[ahnasmom]

Why does it seem that many people here and elsewhere have such a fear of even admitting the possibility of their child having attachment issues?

Is it a fear that it is a negitive reflection of the adoptive parent? (It is not!)

Is it a fear that your child will be 'labeled' in a negitive manner? (It's like anything else...fixable!)

I honestly don't get it. I come here to give insight and honesty to the other side of the issue yet feel like 'the bad guy' because my kid has attachment issues and I talk about it...it shouldn't be that way.

It is an honest possibility for ALL of our kids, now and in the future...just like anything else.

Can someone explain? I have heard this called the 'all rosy' and positive board...I guess I now know why.

I'm not trying to 'start' anything but I simply can't understand why saying 'my kid has attachment issues' is so taboo here?

[Jim_in_PA]

The one thing I have learned from reading three books so far on the subject of adoption is that one should expect the worst and hope for the best when it comes to attachment...reality will likely be somewhere between those extremes. Even children adopted as infants can and do have attachment issues...and for those of us choosing to bring older children into our family it's almost universal to some extent. Adoption is about loss and when there is loss, there is hurt. Sometimes it's hard to see it, but it's there. As parents (or prospective parents) of adopted children, we all need to step back and try to be objective...to look beyond the apparent joy and peace and be sure we recognize anything and everything early on. And then deal with it.

[Ktates]

Karen-
Please don't feel that people here don't value your insight regarding attachment - I know I certainly do - but you are right - it's really not talked about on this particular forum for whatever reason. I have to go to FRUA to find recent posts about it.
We have always been concerned about attachment - no matter what age of a child we were adopting. I think anyone adopting a child from an institution especially should educate themselves and err on the side of caution. Like Jim said - expect the worst and hope for the best.

Sometimes people just want to reassure but I think you are correct to point out what could be a very serious issue (if ignored).

I think part of it is family too - I know my family doesn't get it and their first response is - they are just being a child. So that plays a role I'm sure.

Just my two cents...
Karen

[Javalita]

Hey Karen,
Know that your comments definitely *do not* fall on deaf ears with me! I am always thinking about the road ahead and your recent posts have again got me planning. I just purchased the books you recommended. I don't deny that it is something that we will be focusing on.

So, maybe some people get annoyed in hearing anything negative, but now you know at least one person is listening!

[ahnasmom]

Thanks guys...I appreciate your comments...and feeling like the bad guy won't stop me from posting...it will take a lot more than that! If it helps even one family feel OK about their issues...it makes it worth while...

I guess my personality just says...face it, deal with it, fix it, and then get on with it! Others don't...neither is right or wrong...

I'm just curious why attachment is so 'bad?' Why not being delayed, or small HC, or having parasites?

[emjay]

Karen - I also appreciate your perspective and comments on attachment! We're still waiting for a referral, but are preparing for attachment issues - we just don't know what they'll be yet. I have done lots of research, talked to social worker friends, and bought books (just added one of the ones you recently recommended to my collection!)

Perhaps some parents who are now dealing with attachment issues (or not recognizing signs of them) are finding it too hard to accept. After all that many of them have gone through to finally have a child - they don't want it to be the case. I would hope they deal with it now - so much better than later - and realize they can find so much support.

- Maura

[LHecht]

Karen, I too appreciate your honesty on this...I do think it's a risk that some don't want to face, kind of like FAS (talk about something that is sensitive). I think the FRUA board is more informative, to me anyway, on these sorts of topics because it's anonymous.

It was interesting talking with other adoptive families while in Russia and I know this is not everyone's experience, but I tell you, when some of the other families we met learned we were adopting a 7 year old, you would not believe the looks of horror and how many times people said things like "now that's why we adopted a baby - because we won't have to worry about those kinds of problems".

[lakimnafite]

I also appreciate the information on attachment. I never knew about if before this board. I have been on FRUA, but I really don't like it. It is anonymous and I think people can get very negative etc. when they are hiding like that. I really enjoy this board. Anyway, like I said, I'd never heard about attachment issues before, and I learned a lot and realized that was what my son was going through a few years ago. DH's bio, not mine. He was only a year old when we got together. Bio mom not in the picture at all. Had I known what was going on and had tools, I could have saved both of us a lot of heartache years ago. I feel lucky that I can now understand what happened, reconfirmed what I did right, ideas on how to better handle what I did not do very well. I feel that even if my daughter has some attachment issues, I will be well equipped to handle them!

[swmphoto]

We are waiting for a referral and I would appreciate
some book titles.

I am going to be brave and and make this statement.
I think I have attachement issues. My mom died
when I was 8 and I definitly do so some signs. Mabye
reading these book will help me and my future
son.

[cilohtac3]

Hi there...can someone help...what is "FRUA" that everyone keeps mentioning? Thanks!

Back to the topic. I'm a prospective adoptive parent and I'm definitely afraid of attachment issues. It's nothing more or less than the fear that my child won't love me. And the fear of disrupting our happy home where I have 3 happily attached biological children. To go from happy, to dealing with serious problems, is, indeed, a stumbling block for me and it might turn out to be why we won't adopt at all. I hope that is not a bad thing to be concerned about. Personally though I don't think any sane person wouldn't be concerned about that.

[beckyww]

"Attaching in Adoption" by Deborah Gray was the best DH and I read.

[erickk]

Some parents-adoptive and bio-will stick their head in the sand rather than just say-this is what it is and this is what we have to do. Parenting any child is not for sissies and when issues come up-you deal with them. We adopted our son within a week of my best friend having a child with spina bifida. We just went to her son's 3 year birthday party last week-he's doing great-but they have stuff they have to deal with and worry about--is this a spina bifida thing or is this normal. Just like we say-is this an orphanage thing or normal 2 year old ( 3 year old, etc.) issue. Our son has major control problems due to 15 months in the orphanage. He was suffering from infantile depression when we adopted him. We started noticing it shortly after we got home but it took over a year for his pediatrician to recognize it for what it was. Once we got into a counselor who works with institutionalized kids it was smooth sailing. We know it is not over-but we are much wiser parents now--just like my friend who has a son with spina bifida. I think initially it is scary-but you love your child and you will do anything for them. You're a parent-that is what we are supposed to do. My friend and I have come to the conclusion that God did not make any of us perfect but He did give us the skill and heart to do what we can to make our childrens lives happy and good. Sorry for the long drawn out...I get flack all the time from family and friends when they find out our son is being treated. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM. They are right-there is nothing wrong with him-in my eyes he is a perfect gift-he just needs a little extra help some times. Any input from you who will share what you are going through and what resources you use is a great gift. Thanks.

[Lo-la-la]

Ahnasmom, what are some signs of attachment issues? I remember a thread that lists some of those signs, but I can't remember which one. Olya, at times, will go to just about anybody. How do I know if that is an attachment issue or if she's just very social and outgoing? Sometimes it really hurts me that she will do that. She doesn't do that as much now as she did at first, but she still does it. When we first got home, if she reached out to someone, I would insist that she stay with, that I was her mama - I don't know if my reaction was good or not. I want to have a healthy balance between caring for her without smothering her. I'd like your feedback.

Erickk, what are the signs of infantile depression?

Until our children were adopted, they had more than one caretaker and I'm assuming that's why they may see anyone and everyone who pays attention to them as their caretaker. In my case, because I am a single parent, I had no other choice but to return to work 2 weeks after we returned from Russia - now she's back to getting more than one caretaker in the daycare. I want Olya to be personable and social, but I also want her to know that I am her mother. Help!

Thanks to all of you for your input on this subject.

[KGM]

Your posts are not falling on deaf ears here either.
Though I am still waiting for a referral too, I have raised two other children. My son was diagnosised with adhd.
When I read things that this can be from drinking during pregnancy, I go crazy. I didn't drink...at all. People read things and take what they want from it, how it may fit into their world some people change things to fit and adapt to it.
Attachement issues are very serious and some people might not think so, some might have the same problem themselves so can not see it as being different. They see how they want to.
Just like reading all these forums and boards. Take what you want and leave what you want.
I prefer this board not because it is all warm and fuzzy, if that were true then we would only here about gotcha days and travel dates, referral pictures. I like this board because we get all kinds of information.
I dislike the FRUA boards as some of it is helpful and respectful but boy there are some mean and grumpy people on there. I do weave in and out of there for some good information but I cringe too when I come across some posts. I think, poor child who ends up with them as parents. I would dread having a few of those posters as family.
The bottom line is you must post what you feel and some will get good from it some will not get it at all.
I like your attitude though, it is true it you can help one person with your experience then you must share.
I wish I could help the whole orphangage but I know I can only afford to take one home.
One at time, it will build from there.

[schphoner2]

Here are some of the books . I've only read Building the Bonds of Attachment by Daniel A. Hughes (very good).

There's also

Attaching in Adoption by Deborah D. Gray

Parenting the Hurt Child by Gergory Keck, PHD.

Facilitating Developmental Attachment:by Daniel A. Hughes,

Adopting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck

Holding Time by Martha Welch

When love is not enough by Nancy Thomas


Best of luck to you!!!