[hodyhouse]

Can I hear from anyone who adopted a child age five or older? I have a friend who adopted domestically and she said she'd never adopt a child older than two because they are "too messed up." Had they been in an orphnage for years or fairly recently placed? Since they were older, could they tell you about their family problems? How long have they been with you and have any issues surfaced? (all children have issues, so I'm not being judgemental.)

Thanks!

[WaterNut]

We are in the process of aopting a 5 year old boy, so do not have personal pos-adoption experience. However I do have friends who adopted a 7 y/o girl from Russia 5 years ago. They had some initial struggles establishing authority, but after a few months things fell into place nicely. She has become an absolutely wonderful young lady - when you watch her with her parents you would never know she has only been with them for 5 years. SHe has picked up her fathers wonderful sense of humor and keeps us laughing all the time. They started her in school almost immediately upon returning from Russia - I think it was about a week later. She was anxious to become "American" and would mimic and follow the others in her class even though she did not understand much at the time. Within 6 months she was a chatterbox, and hasn't stopped since!

Deciding to adopt an older child does present additonal obstacles to overcome, but then again adopting any child of any age come with its own unique obstacles. We have heard all the questions and gotten all the same comments "you are taking on a lot of baggage", " he's gonna be really hard to control", "you won't be able to mold him" - (I love hearing that one). In the end the decison is yours and yours alone (or with your spouse or partner) - you will know what is the right decision when the time comes. By the way...our friends started out looking for an infant boy - as did we!

[LilyMoon]

We adopted our daughter at age 4 1/2 over a year ago. While adopting an older child does present some challenges, we think it was the right choice for us and we are thrilled with our decision.

There were some adjustment issues the first couple of months. The language barrier does make it that more difficult. I think the key is preparation and knowledge. Try and learn as much Russian as possible before meeting your child and bringing them home. I used Theresa Kelleher's Language and Parenting Guide cassette in my car whenever I was driving. It was very helpful. I also had a Russian speaking person speak to my child on the phone a few times to explain some things. Research older child adoption and attachment parenting. There are many books and websites dedicated to this topic, so there is a wealth of information out there.

Try to be aware of what your child is going through....coming to a strange place with strange people and leaving all they know and love behind. They need to learn what it means to be part of a family, learn a new language, learn our social and behavioral rules. These things take time and patience. Many of these children are much less mature emotionally than their chronological age yet have learned a level of independence that is way beyond their years.

Our daughter is now the most wonderful child...she is smart, loving, beautiful, funny and just a joy in our lives. She is a gift that we treasure every day. It is so rewarding to adopt an older child. It was the best decision I ever made.

Feel free to PM me for any further information or resources. I am happy to help in any way.

All the best to you on your adoption journey!
LilyMoon

[LHecht]

Our older daughter is 7.5 and we have been home just a month. (I hope others with longer experience will respond to your question!) Our girl was in the orphanage since birth, and like Waternut's friend's daughter, she had problems at first with authority and control. She started off her first days with us testing not only the boundaries, but whether we really loved her and would keep her. Considering that she was uprooted from the country, language, people and familiar surroundings she knew and loved just a few weeks ago, we are very proud of her ability and willingness to adapt to her new life. She is in excellent physical health as well. Our biggest concern is attachment, and it will be some time before we know how we're really doing there. When we received her referral and went on the first trip we asked a ton of questions of everyone we could find regarding her behavior and relationships with others. What we observed of her, together with the comments of the orphanage workers, was enough to reassure us that she would most likely be able to attach to us.

I think the best advice we got was that one adopting an older child must be able to delay gratification. We love our daughter very much and wouldn't change a thing, but sometimes it is more work than fun to be her parent. We are new parents, incidentally, so it probably isn't always fun for her to be our child either. We spent a lot of time talking to others who adopted older children, so nothing we have seen so far is unexpected. Please feel free to PM me if you'd like more info.

[jenmart]

I have not adopted yet but I just wanted to add that "hosting" an older child is a great way to see if adopting an older child is something you want to pursue. The children are usually about 5-11yrs old and come to the US for about 2-3 weeks and stay in your home. You are able to see if the child is a good fit for you and your family. I have hosted before and the particular child we hosted just wasnt right for our family. She was wonderful but I just did not seem to bond with her. She is now being adopted by a wonderful family. Our hosting program does not cost anything so you really have nothing to loose and it is a great way to see if you are able to adopt an older child. We are going to host again this summer and see how it goes! Take care, Jen

[Jim_in_PA]

Jen is correct...hosting programs are a wonderful way to go the older child route and we are doing just that this summer, hopefully for a pair of sibs. You really get a huge amount of quality time with the child or children that way, the ability to arrange for your own medical, dental and eye evaluations and after the process is complete and your adopted child or children are home, there will likely be others from the same area and even the same orphanage living "just around the corner". There are so many wonderful things about that. The program that we are doing is just like Jen's, too...no real cost through the hosting portion. (Although we're proceeding with our full home study anyway just for grins...)

Older children need home and loving parents, too. And since there is always so much focus on infant adoption, they often are harder to place. Go for it!

[laurat1966]

We brought home Katya 6 months ago at the age of 8. (she turned 9 in October). We really felt she was a good fit in our family and we also read lots on older children and attachment. However, the first 6 weeks were a nightmare and it started in Russia. The language barrier was difficult, but I really think that it was just too much for her. We took her from the only place she knew, her only friends, and her hope that one day her "real" mom would come back for her. But, after 6 weeks, things started to get better and they got better fast! She is great now- she stopped speaking Russian in December, and she is very smart at school. She has many friends, and is a lot of fun. She is definitely more work to parent though, than my other 9 year old and my 7 year old. Now we are trying to teach tact, manners, and some responsibility.That is very hard!! I don't think she had to do a lot in the orphanage other than take care of herself. All that being said, we would do it again. These kids really have a lot to offer and they deserve a chance.
Laura

[HollyB]

We adopted our daughter when she was 4 years old. After a year home, still no issues. We talk daily about her country of birth, what she went through before she came to the US, speculations about her birth family, etc. I have read many books regarding older child adoption and I'm waiting for some fallout at some point. We have not sought professional advice because, like I've said, we've not hit any problems yet.
We hosted a sib group this past Summer and we are waiting for a court date. It was an absolutely awesome experience. These children are older (5,7 and 8) so I'm sure we'll have more obstacles. Because these children are bio sibs and have been together, does that mean they've attached to each other, so the risk of attachment disorder is less? I haven't looked into the sib factor. Anyone know off-hand?
Holly

[Jim_in_PA]

Holly, in the book, Adopting the Hurt Child, the author seems to say that sibs that have been together and stay together have an edge. I suspect that any attachment issues will more likely be focused on you, the parents and your daughter, relative to the new children rather than between them. Why? Their existing relationship is the one thing they are bringing with them. Everything else is new. Of course...no sibling bond is perfect!

Based on what I've learned about the hosting situation, you already have a small leg up in that they have experienced your love close at hand...something that drew us to the hosting program we are now in.

I hope you get to bring them home soon!

[grannymac]

Our good ol' forum buddy-Abdulina-and her husband have adopted older children.
They are currently adopting a 5 yr old boy, but she should be home in a few days. I think he's #4 or #5. PM her-she's a sweetie and as soon as she has rested she'll be happy to share with you.

[generalmar]

A friend of mine hosted 2 russian orphans this past summer. It was a sibling pair (girl 11, boy 12). I was considering toddler adoption at that time and would have never considered pre-teens. These kids came for a 4 week stay. We all fell in love with them! They have a younger sister who is 4 and they all lived with their mother until she died shortly after their sister was born. The older children REMEMBER what it was like to live in a family. They miss it very much. I am happy to say that my friend is in the process of trying to bring all 3 of these siblings home for good. In my opinion, these kids will be greatful for a family and won't trouble her the way some teens here do. These are really great kids. They were helpful, had no problem with authority and were the best kids ever. I can't wait for them to come home! Hosting seemed to be a great experience!

[generalmar]

My friend found out about her host program thru a coworkers church. How else might I find out about a host program and getting involved if I want to participate?

[keithww]

There is a Yahoo group 2HostKids you might want to look at.

[1moretime]

I adopted my 7-yr-old son in the very end of June. And like the above posters, the first 6 weeks were very tough. He got out of the orphanage and decided it was now his way or the highway! Things got much better until the holidays, I think they really over loaded him. Finally got that straightened out at home. Now we have to get him to get his act together in school. Don't get me wrong he is extremely bright he just doesn't alway listen, again, his way or the highway.

Now I said all the above, I love him with all of my heart. He is fun, funny, thoughtful, sweet, kind, and more joy than words can describe. I can't imagine one day without him in my life. I look forward to seeing him every day, and I will sit and watch him sleep at night thinking how unbelievably lucky I am to have the opportunity to share his life. It makes me kind of sad that I wasn't there the first 7 years.

He was in an orphanage his entire life until I brought him home.

It is not as easy as raising my bio son who is now 19. Then again, I have seen numerous bio kids that act a lot worse than my 7 year old does.

The recommendation to read "Adopting the Hurt Child" is excellent. It really touches on a lot of expectations, feelings and issues. I highly recommend it.

These kids need a home with love, too. And just because they are older does not mean that they can not nor will not attach to you. It is scary when you read so much information on what can possibly occur. But have faith.

My son and I laugh, he may have been born on a separate continent but we both have the same eyes, the same hair, the same noses and the same HARD HEADS! lol

Take care

Nancy

[momm2be]

I just brought home a 6 yr old 3 months ago. There are many challenging days and just as many rewarding days. The first few months were rough on me. It doesn't matter how many books you read - believe me I read almost all- these kids are real life and will find that one loop you weren't planning for. For me it was back talking. Purposely did not ask for a preteen because of it, but it is still there just in a pint-sized package. Authority is also an issue, but this eases up with time and most of all, consistency - no always mean no.

Are they messed up? Depends what you think is messed up. Will she need grief therapy - maybe? With an adopted child it is hard not to overanalyze them, especially if you prepare and read the 'books', you get paranoid, you think she needs this therapy, that support etc. Than I see her classmates, and these kids who have been raised by their birth parents most with no real trauma in their lives have many issues too... most of which go unaddressed. Its then you realize how lucky you are, and how wonderful your kid is.

I wound up changing gears - ditched the adoption books and started reading child development and positive parenting. My favs- "Your six year old, defiant and loving" by Ames and Ilg and "3 steps to stop the whining". These books are old but its from the Gesell institute a standard in child develpment. The first chapter was my daughter, exactly. Ames and Ilg have a book for pretty much every age -2 -10 maybe.
Also love SuperNanny. I wish I had starting watching before i left for Russia. I would have had a better idea what to do when we were at our worst moments.

I think the one thing you don't fully understand until you are home is that you have x years of simple life rules that you are pushed to make up in a short time. Simple things like not: walking in the street, talking to strangers, walking away in public places, running away in a parking lot, turning on the water while holding the hair dryer... alot of important things that kids learn over the years are pushed in a short time to keep them safe. Hence alot of rebellion = 'issues"

It isn't easy, but it certainly is worth it. I can't imagine life without my daughter. I am beginning to forget life before her.