[Kasey]

anna,
I just wanted to commend you on everything you have wrote in this thread--you really have educated many of us onthe topic and are obviously well versed in this area.
Thanks for showing the other side of the issue!!
Best wishes to you, you seem like one amazing woman!

[Littleruler3]

Give me a break!I appreciate your post and your situation, am not minimizing RAD, however, every child that has or is placed in foster care/orphanage or just plain dysfunctional family structure is not a candidate for RAD!Thus you protest too much. Without knowing all of this child's background/situation, you can not make a clinical diagnosis of RAD or any other behavioral affliction. All that you know for sure is what you may have seen(don't know what was edited nor how creatively edited?), what was in the transcript, you have no access to any medical records,so, why are you preaching?Nobody is saying that parents of RAD children are not stretched to the limit, but clearly this woman is just a cold-hearted witch!Most of the post on this forum agree with that assessment.Maybe this woman has a lot to deal with, but bottom-line is the child.He does not deserve this abusive treatment.


Mary

[HappyMomAnna]

Thank you Mary decent is the only way to see changes in attitudes. The only thing I know for sure is that until this past summer I rejected the entire concept of RAD--having faced it and dealt with it has made me a 'preacher' of the need for others to think a little more about it.

[Lorraine123]

Respectfully, I do think you are minimizing RAD. Unless you have lived it, you can't comment on it.

You don't need a professional to diagnose RAD. Live in my house for one day and you will know what it looks like and how to recognize it. There really is no test for it, therefore even a professional simply gives the diagnosis based on symptoms that are displayed.

This family showed many of the symptoms of having a child with RAD. The fact the child appears bonded with the dad and not the mom is a classic sign. Also a burned out mother is another classic sign. Why do you fight this as a diagnosis???

It very difficult to get treatment for RAD. Even for us parents who know what our children need, we still have problems getting treatment. If I didn't know what RAD was, I would have no idea how to get treatment. She may have never heard of attachment disorders.

I find it interesting that the parents of RAD children see it but parents of non-RAD children don't. We live it daily. We have credibility.

[Kasey]

Mary,
I don't think Anna was attempting to make a diagnosis but rather state that this could be an issue with the child and parents and I felt she was not defending the actions of the woman in anyway but attempting to educate us on RAD and issue surrounding it and what it is like to be a parent of an RAD child. There are two sides to every issue and while no one here is justifying how this woman has treated this child, there could other issues we don't know about. I think we can all agree this was not a topic to be dealt with in 10 minutes on a ridiculous talk show.
I don't think Anna was "protesting too much" but trying to get across the ins and outs of the disorder. I do think however from all your posts I have seen that your protest too much, it seems like if you don't agree with the comment or statement, then it is absolutely wrong. It just seems like many of your comments and posts can be harsh at times.
I am thankful that Anna posted what she did, I learned alot from it and I am sorry that you are unable to view it that way.

[HappyMomAnna]

Lorraine--someone here once said RAD is sort of like Porn--You know it when you see it.

[Littleruler3]

Everyone is entitled to their prespective opinion. Of course there are issues that None of us know about, however this is not license to "treat" children in abusive manners no matter what problems they come with. RAD is a serious disorder that should be diagnosed by Professionals.Am happy that you felt you learned something today...thats good. It is obvious that on this forum that many are unable to truly enjoy a discussion without "offending" those who seem to be PC. Nowhere in my previous post did I disrespect those who have children with serious behavioral problems, having watched that episode, read the entire transcript, I found this woman to seriously lack empathy, basic parenting skills and just plain cold. I don't belive I'm the only one who felt this way. The problem is that the entire show is a joke and seriously undermines the creditability of international adoption.

[HappyMomAnna]

serious behavioral problems...... ?

No it is a serious lack of willingness to accept the fact that the bonds between little tiny children are as fragrile as they really are.

Some of us experience a lack of support from our own families who choose to call the pain of the child and parents dealing with attachment as a behavioral issue. Doctors and teachers and thrapists offer us advice to use that is proven to do nothing except to set back the chances for the RAD child to heal.

It is common for the mother of a RAd child to feel so utterly isolated and completely at a loss to cope and deal that she is the problem...The more the community attacks and treats the mother as if it is all her problem then the less chance there is to help.

If Dr Phil wishes to be a conduit of support and help for families then he should understand and help in the ways that are most needed. To berate and dispaly only the negative feelings of this family on national Tv is of no service and causes OTHER mothers who are helpless and tettering on this line to retreat and not look for the kinds of help that MIGHT actually make things work out. It is irrisponsible for a person who is providing a service in Mental Health to allow only the dispare and loss of hope this mother has to be dispalyed.

I honestly do not believe that the only things this family had to say were how much they hated the child... Give Me a break... If this is the case why hasn't anyone called child services? WHy isn't there an effort being made to remove this and all other children from the home?

I can say with great shame that I have FELT every feeling this mother expressed. I can say with saddness in my heart that there are days when I wish that I was not the responsible person to help a child recover from things I didn't cause... MAYBE I am a little stronger then the AVERAGE person and do my best to not attack and demean the feelings of others but I can say that I know I could have said all the things this mother said...I just know how to be polite.

[lucyjoy]

I saw a woman on the floor playing with her kids. I saw her kneeling in front of her little boy talking gently to him trying to get him to open up to her. I heard the wistfulness of her voice as she said, "I don't think you're ever going to let anyone in, are you?"

Dr. Phil does not know that this child was bonded to his foster parent. He doesn't know what kind of care that child got before coming here. Neither do I. But I've seen many families like this and many children like this one. Regardless of the problem, step one is helping mom.

And not sure anger at the husband showing the child affection was a correct assessment. Disappointment is likely a better term. It's hard to have a child push you away and throw hate at you all day and then run to daddy like nothing ever happened. It's tough to see that despite what you do, your child only shows love to the other parent.

I think condemning this mom over 10 min of tape is wrong. There is just way too much to this story.

[Lorraine123]

I can say with great shame that I have FELT every feeling this mother expressed.

Thanks for saying that Anna. I had something similar typed into my previous post, but took it out for fear that others would view me as mean and cold hearted.

There have been days when my husband has found me balled up on the kitchen floor crying that I can't do it anymore. I remember a therapy session where all he did was cry for an hour because he couldn't take it. No, I've never told my daughter that I wish we hadn't adopted her, but I sure have thought many times that I am inadequate and there must be a better family for her. Yes, I have had moments where I have felt resentment towards my husband because of my daughter's preference.

Its so odd how freely people accept that children from the US foster care system can have RAD, but they vehemently deny that it can happen in internationally adopted children. Whats the difference?

RAD is a serious disorder that should be diagnosed by Professionals.

Wrong. My daughter was diagnosed by her foster parents.

[Littleruler3]

I see a serious divide over those who"obviously" are supporting this AM on Dr.Phil and then there are those who under no cirrcumstances can tolerate a parent who demeans, abuses, and is downright hostile to a toddler little boy!Its funny how many post talk about how those who do not parent children with attachment disorders are totally clueless, uneducated and downright unsympathetic to the plight of parents.As far as the show yesterday, there was never a factual conclusion that this child had RAD!!!He has a physical disease that makes walking painful and difficult, his AM would make this child engage in walking knowing it caused pain to her child...what kind of Mother does this?What does RAD have to do with this?What kind of a Mother refers to her son as an "IT"?This is not the Addams family!What does that have to do with RAD?



Mary

[spaypets]

I don't think there's any question that at the root of this child's problems is an attachment issue. The parents described him on arrival as being unwilling to be held, not wanting to accept affection--sure this might have been a grief response but ultimately it impeded the child's ability to attach. It may not have been RAD, there are lots of degrees of attachment disorders.

When we adopted our social worker pointed us to the attach-china page where there were all sorts of things we could do. We were told that if our daughter didn't want to be held, to do it anyway, to feed her from a bottle even though she was old enough and used to holding one herself, to hang pictures of ourselves in her crib and on and on. The fact is these parents tried some of the techniques and gave up (probably because they had a newborn competing for attention). They got discouraged.

Some of us, when faced with a challenge rise to the occasion. And some of us display our worst qualities when faced with the same challenge. I would like to think that I would be like Anna or Dadfor2 and rise to the occasion and educate myself on what was going on and advocate for my kid. I hope I'm like them, but I haven't been tested, so I can't say for sure. I know that I once thought attachment was a bunch of psychobabble. And, since my daughter attached naturally to our family even though I didn't hang my picture in her crib, I might have still resisted the idea. But I've read the stories of the parents here. I know now so much more than I knew then.

Now, I'd fight for that little boy the way everyone here says they would. Then--I'm not so sure I wouldn't have been more like that woman on that stage. I'm not proud of that, I'm horrified at the thought. But I've reacted well in bad situations and I've reacted badly and I'm not sure which way I would have gone.

[spaypets]

Originally Posted by Lorraine123

Its so odd how freely people accept that children from the US foster care system can have RAD, but they vehemently deny that it can happen in internationally adopted children. Whats the difference?

I can't speak for everyone, but I think it's a given that children in foster care have been abused in someway. Aparents are told that children in the orphanages have been lovingly cared for. It's often true--I _know_ my daughter was lovingly cared for. I could tell by the way she patted her mouth in an Indian war whoop when I changed her diaper. I could tell by the way she leaned forward to get her face wiped after every bite.

But I know there was benign neglect--she banged her head and rocked herself to sleep. She would cling to a teething biscuit for HOURS--we called it her security cookie. She happens to have a resilient personality, so she took the love she got and ran with it. Other children need more.

[BrandyHagz]

Merging threads, there doesn't need to be two of them.

[HappyMomAnna]

Brandy--not sure I understand what 'merging' the threads means? From what I can tell this thread is still the way it was so what was merged? Does that just mean that our talk in Special Needs was deleted? Because on that thread most of us were on the same page and supporting each other and our common understanding where as this thread is more broad and contains differeing points of view? Just wondering not actually complaining but I don't understand the merge idea?