[lololo]

we got a kind of cruddy referral back in early december. crappy b/c the kids were out of our age range but good b/c they are bio sibs...here is the problem, i don't want to give up on an infant...i know the new law makes an infant even older than before, at least 8 months, but why should i miss something just b/c russia changes their mind? agency just says take the referral ( they were supposed to come off in march, now it looks like may as we are all adding on 2 months) and get over there and look at other kids. question: should we decline? these kids by summer will be way out of our age range. we know nothing about them, no info except the month/year they were born. we don't have a connection and they don't want us to know anything. i told agency that it doesn't really sound like a referral at all since they don't come off until march( now later) and they said it was a good way to think about it. we have been signed with them since sept of 2003. we should be done. i want to tell them to forget it. what should we do. we are thinking of going to 1 child or switching to kaz. any help would be appreciated.

[tbristow]

Wow, that's a toughie. IMO you still have to go with your heart. If you want an infant under 12 months then I say to wait for that. Keep in mind though that a number of people that get infant referrals under 12 months don't get them home until around their birthday. I don't know if that will speed up again or not. Best of luck. I know the decision can't be an easy one no matter what the final outcome is.

[Amysue1112]

If you know it does not feel right, then I wouldn't do it. One thing a friend (who adopted herself) "This is not the time to be unselfish, an adoption is a lifetime decision". For us, we want an infant (under 1 year). We accept the fact that we will probably wait longer, but for us, it will be worth the wait. When I see little ones (like 4-5 months, I think to myself, "we will not be able to be with our child at this age". For us, we don't want to miss anymore time than we have to.
These kids may be perfect for you, but it your gut tells you it doesn't feel right, then I would not accept te refer soley because you are tired of waiting and ready for this process to be over. But maybe if you can get more info on these children, you will feel more comfortable. Good luck and hang in there, I am sure this is not easy for you.

[Ktates]

Count me in with Theresa and Amy - you should hold out for what you really want. We changed our range but age wasn't important to us. Don't let your agency push you into anything you aren't comfortable with.
Good luck

[ahnasmom]

A different view on this...but anytime you take a child to be considered, you are removing that child from the 'pool' of adoptable children...in others words you are holding off someone else's ability to begin their process to adopt the kids...you keep them in the orphanage longer if you eventually turn them down.

If you know you do not want to accept these children, but wait to travel until March and then decline them...you have just held them in limbo for 4 months...months when someone who is willing to accept them has been unable to.

I am not trying to be harsh...but any reputable agency should not be giving this type of advice...they should be explaining to you how the process works.

If you want an infant, wait for infant...if you don't want to wait...rethink what is more important...age or being a parent sooner.

Good Luck...

[stephw3boys]

According to my agenc - referrals in Kaz are getting more difficult too. They are not giving videos and complete medicals anymore. If that helps in your decision.

[GCS]

I agree with the other posters that you should be true to yourself. I dont think that this is a decision you want to be having the "what if's" about. You know, "what if I waited one more month and received the referral I've been dreaming of" or "What if we go with this referral and I always long for that infant to raise and nurture." Just follow what your heart is really directing you towards and dont worry about having to justify your decision. What ever path you choose will be the right one!

Christina

[Sally26]

I say wait for an infant, too and ... start raising heck with your agency! If you have been paper ready waiting since Sept. 2003 you have already had an unreasonable wait, plus they shouldn't have given you the referral they and did and no other info with it sounds fishy. I don't mean to be a downer, but I don't feel you have been treated fairly. They are working for you.

[lakimnafite]

You didn't mention how far out of your age range they are. When we started this process over a year ago, one of the reasons we selected Russia was because we were told we would get younger babies. The first child we accepted and lost would have been over a year when she came home. That was older than I wanted, but we still accepted for other reasons and was sad whem we lost her.

With the baby we accepted and are eagerly awaiting her homecoming - she was 5 months when we accepted her. With summer delays and quota and holidays - well, we'll be lucky if we get her before her first birthday. I am disappointed because 1) I really wanted an infant and 2) she has been stuck in an orphanage for 6 months while we have been waiting for her!

But, you might think about the delays. With her 3 month prematurity and a year in an orphanage, she is delayed about 6 months - so even tho she will be a year when coming home, she is the size and development of a 6 month old. I still get my infant after all...

It's hard. I certainly understand. We had to turn down a few referrals. Go with your heart! Good luck!

[kdk545]

Youve been ready since September 03 and now they want you to accept a referral that is not what you requested???!!!!

Im sorry, but I think I would have ditchedthis agency looooonnngg ago!! I cant imagine over a years wait, even if its an infant girl you want!

Stick with what you want! And since you asked for advice, again, I may check into other agencies. We have been with ours only 4 months and have gotten 2 referrals already (had to turn them down due to health issues though)

[kimber413]

It all depends on when you were paper ready. If you signed in September, but didn't have your paperwork finished until April, then it hasn't been an unreasonable wait for an infant girl. Infant girls as young as possible can take from 6-12 months, depending on region. However, I can't believe they told you to go ahead and accept these children, knowing you probably weren't interested. I agree with Karen that, if you go ahead and take them knowing you don't want them, then it's holding off their chances of finding a family.

You definitely should decline, and have a word with your case worker that you aren't satisfied with the service you're receiving. If that doesn't work, speak to their supervisor. If you were paper ready in September, 2003, with only these referrals to show for it, then this really is an unacceptable wait.

[drazil65]

This is a HUGE red flag in itself (they have asked you to just go with it for now and turn them down later, do you question their integrity?) and coupled with the length of your entire process I am not sure its the country you should be switching? I have to agree with several issues brought up by the above posters. I think one thing you should keep in mind as someone wrote above is that even if you accept a referral for a child at 5 or 6 months the chances of bringing them home before their 1 st birthday (or at least right around that time) are slim especially now, so maybe this is an issue you should be dealing with to be emotionally ready for that possibility as its very easy to get attached to that 6 month old and suddenly she is 12 months old when you get her home.

I can tell by the way you labeled your referrals as "cruddy" that you have so much disappointment already attached to these children, so just based on your statement alone you might want to consider turning them down so they can go to another family. I think you might feel better about not encouraging your agency to work this way. I think I would still be thinking about switching agencies as this is very inappropriate on their part. Good Luck with all of your decisions.

[tdc1457]

I read your post this morning and truthfully, have spent the day being annoyed at you, someone I don't even know, for referring to these two children as a "cruddy" referral. I hope to God you don't adopt them, as I don't know how you could look into their eyes and know you called them "cruddy". I can understand if your agency is not doing what you expect of them - but did you research the company before you signed with them? I think you misdirected your anger towards two little faces in Russia who desperately need a home when your angered should be directed elsewhere.
I've been to Russia on my first trip and I saw twenty little boys and girls waiting for a good home. That's why I think I'm so angry right now. Russia doesn't care about any of us who are adopting their children - they don't care if you want a girl, an infant,etc. Be grateful you're permitted to adopt from there at all. If you wanted a guarantee on a girl, you should have gone to China. There are no guarantees in Russia. I understand wanting an infant, and a young infant, but get over it, because you won't see the first tooth, or the first step. But you'll have many other "firsts" to share the rest of your lives together.

I hope you do turn down the referral, because there are so many other families around the US and the rest of the world that long desperately for siblings.

[Sally26]

Don't listen to tdc1457. tdc1457-this board is for support, not attacking.

[tdc1457]

Hey, I was personally offended by the remark. She asked for opinions, I gave mine. Sometimes the truth hurts. I support everyone here 100% in their decisions, but I've been to Russia, I've seen the little faces of toddlers desperate for a home, and I'm adopting two children, ages 3 and 5, so that really angered me to hear someone refer to a "cruddy" referral because the children were older and not what she wanted. I've read many, many posts about people who had to decline a referral, for one reason or another, which is fine - everyone must do what's right for them, but I've never read where anyone slighted the children in that way (which I'm sure was totally unintentional, by the way - and I'm sure she is emotionally drawn from the whole experience - who isn't?)