[lololo]

Please don't kick me off this board but is anyone as sick of russia as i am. we just got a reffereal for 2 kids older than what we wanted, that is ok but we just found out that we won't even be traveling until march, we have no, i mean no info about them except the month they were born in. 1 is 3 and 1 is 1and a half. Both will age out of our "request", that is fine but irritating. I don't mind playing catch up with 1 toddler but now it looks like we are going to catch up with 2 toddlers and no infant. I can learn to deal with that if i have to but why would they offer this "referral" if we won't even find out 1 more piece of info until March (if we are lucky) agency says we should accept it b/c region will look upon us badly if we decline another referral,( last month they offered us 2 kids that were the exact opposite of what we wanted...my husband wants a specific gender and since we are getting 2 i feel i have to honor that.) He was pretty upset about turning that referral down, (both wrong gender and nowhere near our ages)it's like they never read our request. Not saying we aren't flexible b/c we are....just disappointed. Not happy. Why do they offer or inform us of a situation that isn't even near to happening? now we aren't considered for other situations. We did accept this b/c they are siblings and that is a huge positive. is it reasonable to call home office of agency and go over local agency's head to try and find out more info in the mean time? we almost wish they hadn't told us anything since nothing is even close to happening. These kids are not even coming off database until March. i'm angry and disappointed to say the least...please don't anyone say roller coaster to me or i may scream...i just want to vent and i want to know when i can call my agency, if ever and demand more info/ better assisitance. what can i expect fromn my agency? we aren't bad people we are just very disillusioned right now. Help

[lakimnafite]

I'd definitely call my agency. Start with the person you have been working with. You need them on your side and jumping too high over their heads can cause damage to your relationship. Obviously, you may have to do that, but I'd go one step up at a time so everyone realizes you have done what you can to resolve the issue.

I think your frustration is more with your agency than with Russia. You have been waiting a long time.. Are you limited to just one region or are they keeping the options open? If you have very specific requests, sometimes it's best not to limit to just one region. However, I think many agencies will not let you search multiple regions...

I would say you can call your agency and vent and demand ( or very strongly request...) more information and better assistance. I am in contact with my agency about one a week to two weeks - and have been for most of this process. They don't always have any info or answers - and frankly sometimes they don't answer the emails for days.. - but at least I know they are there and working for me... Your agency owes you the same service.

Vent any time - God knows we all need that from time to time!

[mikeintexas]

I agree... call your agency now. I call or e-mail at least once a week. We are paying way too much money for them to keep us in the dark. Everytime I call or e-mail, I always get a good response and all my questions are answered.

Mike

[lololo]

thanks for the reply. we are in one region, that is the way our agency works. i just sent off an e-mail to them telling them how unhappy i am even though we left yesterday accepting the referral. I asked them to send some more info and what our expected wait time is before 1 trip b/c i can see that time line coming and going too. They come off in March but what does that mean? a little jaded huh?is that too demanding? gosh i've
never been so mild and meek mannered. is it effective to be a squeaky wheel? i know it's not there fault but i want more attention...i don't want to be sent home to just repeat my paperwork and keep my mouth shut until march when they come off database. you were lucky you got a picture. thanks a lot, hope all goes well for you

[lakimnafite]

In a way you have to be mild mannered because these people are your connection with your child. The truth is, if your relationship with them goes bad, no telling how hard they will work for you.

On the flip side, we pay a lot of money for this service. The agencies are responsible for providing that service. Ultimately, what we all want is our children. But the money we pay is for all the people involved to do their jobs and help us get our children!

I found it works best for me to be a squeaky, but smiling, wheel. I make it clear what I want, will harrass them, nicely, when I don't feel I get what I need. But in the end, I do get the answers I am looking for.

You said in your post, I know it's not their fault but I want more attention... Actually, if they are not providing referrals that meet your criteria, not looking into other regions as options, not working for you to get the information you require and provide the attention you need - then yes, it is their fault!

You had also mentioned that your husband wanted certain gender. I've been wondering a bit about that combined with the ages. If you are saying you want one infant and one toddler, one boy and one girl - and are flexible otherwise - it shouldn't be an unrealistic request. If you are asking for a 6 month old girl, a two year old boy, that are siblings.. well that would be very difficult to fill... I'm not asking for the details of your request, only suggesting that perhaps you and your husband should outline your desires and your wiggle room - and really think about where you might be able to adjust. Can the girl be older? Can they be in the same orphanage but not siblings? And so on...

Good luck to you!!!

[lololo]

we are very flexible. we want 2 kids, 1 under the of 3 and the other under the 1 year and yes we are flexible about ages we just want one of the kids, doesn't matter which one to be a boy, happy to take 2 boys, happy to take a boy and a girl. they offered us 2 girls last month which we did consider but the age weren't right either. what is upsetting about this is the fact that we won't even be able find out 1 piece of info and the whole thing could take months even before the first trip. we are supposed to go back and wait without any info or when we travel or what will happen if this doesn't work out. I'm mad that they gave us a bogus referral last month and now it is a strike against us. btw we never had any info about them either.

[lakimnafite]

You sound MORE than reasonable and flexible. You have invested so much time with your agency to get to this point.... I'd push back on your agency and question why this particular agency or region would count this as a strike against you. As I'm sure you've seen on the board, many people find they need to refuse a referral. I refused quite a few for medical reasons, but I even refused one because when I looked into her face, I just didn't see MY child. Frankly, she would have probably been considered a perfect referral... But she wasn't mine. When I almost accepted that one, I sat with my agency almost in tears. I told her that I thought I should accept the referral, but it just didn't FEEL right. She sat right there with me and said to go with my heart. I was NEVER pressured to accept a referral - even one that perfectly matched my criteria - let alone one that did not match my criteria...

Incidentially, the very next day after I refused the 'perfect' referral, I was offered my daughter...

[sickmeig]

on the other hand...enjoy your last months of freedom!! life will never be the same. no quiet baths, no recreational reading, no fancy dinners. they will be ever the more precious to you for what you went through to get them.

[yeysk]

Lakimnifite,
I'm intrigued that you declined several referrals for medical reasons. Would you feel comfortable saying what medical reasons those were? Did having to decline more than one or two referrals shake your confidence in your agency?

I'm so worried about FAS and whether it can be diagnosed correctly. I'm afraid of a false positive, and, worse, a false negative!

My other question is what has been folks' experiences with how long you take to decide whether to accept or decline a referral?

We have requested additional info about our referral (our doctor suspects FAS because of low birth hc and possible indistinct philtrum) but it has already been a month and may take another month. Meanwhile our agency says, "No hurry. If you wait, you may get encouraging info. And if you decline the referral, don't worry -- someone else will adopt her in a minute."

Why them and not me?

[Littleruler3]

Just my opinion, but low birth weight is not the sole criteria for FAS. You might want to get more than one medical opinon. Here locally we have an international adoption health clinic in Birmingham Alabama. Our referral for our son, stated that he had a little bit of a low birth weight, but he has caught up and is in the normal range for a child his age. Our daughter who came from China is 3.5 and is 37 inches high, but hits the scale at 29lbs. She is perfectly healthy and a good eater, but just small!We have no idea of the genetics involved and that always plays a role in determining many things!



Mary

[lakimnafite]

Would you feel comfortable saying what medical reasons those were?

2002 was a very bad year for our family, I had three surgeries and almost died, then my mom had emergency surgery and did not make it. Then, my dad had to have heart surgery.. we spent most of 2002 in the hospital for someone.. So, I was not able to take on any child who would likely need surgery, even simple surgery. So... two babies with cleft lip/palate. One with possible heart defect. One with likely CP (not surgery related, I know!).


Did having to decline more than one or two referrals shake your confidence in your agency?

Not at all. They were very open and honest. They said that they would show me any baby girl and let me make the decision. With one, they showed me the referral, then after they received the video they called me and said they no longer felt she met my criteria - I could see the video but they suspected some problems.


what has been folks' experiences with how long you take to decide whether to accept or decline a referral?

For the medical issues, I knew I just couldn't do it so I decided immediately. For a few, it took a few days. For the baby I accepted, I knew the day I watched the video and accepted her that day.

[sickmeig]

there are thousands of healthy children/babies to be adopted so there is no reason to have to accept a child with known or very probable medical problems unless that is what you are prepared to do. I very much trusted my IA doctor. that is their job. they see so many of these children and have researched the prognosis of these children. low birth rate can even mean learning disabilities for those born in the states. but low birth rate can also produce a very healthy child. but if their is another child who weighed more at birth, why shouldn't that one be available for you. i felt better with katya as she was three and the older they get the easier to detect problems. my IA doctor said that katya was overweight (she is fine now), but that coming from an orphanage - "bigger is always better". i think she was heavy because of the starchy food, lack of exercise, and a bloated belly because of parasites. she has been home 7 months, has grown over 2 inches and lost a pound or two. she is very active and eats more fruits and vegetables than she got there. she weighed over 7 pounds at birth. i would take birth weight very seriously.

[Littleruler3]

Of course that is your perogative. However, I belive in looking at the totality of every situation. There are no guarantees, I weighed in at less than 7lbs over 35 years ago, I have a MS, so I don't necessarily agree that low birth weight has to mean disaster!Women in Russia and other countires do not have accesss to the same type of prenatal services that we have over here. That has a lot to do with low birth weight! Overweight babies/children can have as many problems as underweight children!.My daughter from China weighed in at 5lbs, she was full-term, today at 3.5 she is reading,knows all her alphabet and numbers and was talking in full sentences at 18-20 months. At 37 inches, she doesn't even hit the 30lb mark!Many doctors in Eastern bloc countries way overstate medical problems, an example a couple was given a referral for a 4 month old girls that they said was developmentally delayed, supposedly had heart defects, they accepted the referral, her peditrician couldn't find one thing wrong with this child, she is now 11 months old and right on target!You have no guarantees with your own bio children, even if u do everything right!!!!!

Mary