[pahlsm]

I don't know how I will get through this... but we lost our
referral. I dont know the details but this is the hardest thing I
have had to deal with. I don't know how we will get through
this... I just feel like my heart is broken and well I don't know
what to do. Have any of you had this happen? Please help. Kathleen

[jenn13]

Kathleen, I am very sorry for your loss. We lost our 1st referral as well and I know how heartbreaking it is.

Jenn

[angiesavage1]

Kathleen,
I'm so sorry. I wish I knew the words to take your pain away. For whatever reason that this happened, know that your child is still out there waiting for you.

[lakimnafite]

We also lost our first referral. It felt like a miscarriage. Apparently the birth mother had never signed over her rights, and had decided she wanted her baby back. I cried and cried and was sure it was a sign that not only was I not supposed to have a biological child, but perhaps I was also not supposed to adopt. With a lot of reservation, I started considering another referral.

Only a few weeks later, I received a referral of a 5 month old baby girl who had just become available. The first time I looked into her face, I knew her. She has (I think,best I can tell from the quality of pictures) my eyes and my ears (poor thing... I recognized her face as it I had seen her a thousand times.

I think the first referral may have been meant to 1) stall me until my daughter was ready and available to be shown to me and 2) facilitate the reconnecting of that first baby with her birth mother who realized she had made a mistake.

Now, I am at peace with the first loss and eagerly anticipating meeting our daughter in 15 days!!!

My heart goes out to you. I do understand your pain. I shared my story in hopes that it will help you through the hard part and start eagerly anticipating the referral of your meant-to-be child!

[Bcelli]

Angie's right, Kathleen. Whatever the reason, it is because 'your' child is still waiting. That is little consolation, I know, when you are feeling the pain of this loss, but when you are holding the child who is meant to be with you, you will know that what we are telling you is the truth. There is a Divine plan. I've seen it unfold 3 times in my life - first with my husband - and again with our 2 Russian-born sons. It will happen for you as well. Our prayers are for you to find strength, courage and comfort in your journey. God bless.

BECKY

[pahlsm]

She was healthy, happy, and off the charts.... we are in love.... I just don't know what to do with the pain. So many people know about her and I will have to deal with this loss for so long as everyone asks.... "any news on travel date?" She really is our daughter. Why do after 10 years of trying to start a family do we have to go through such a thing. Why can't we just get a referral and things go right. I just don't get it. How do I tell all of these people we lost her. Will we have to go through another holiday season alone? I just don't know how much more I can take. Look at our time line.... this is taking forever. Thanks you everyone for letting me vent and helping me through this. I know that I have not always help you as I tend to post rarely but I do read and feel for everyone. I just haven't had much help to offer. I so do thank each and everyone of you. Kathleen

[aboyd]

Kathleen,
I am so sorry for your loss. We also lost our first referral after traveling to meet her last January, and I thought we would never get over the loss - and I know that we will never forget meeting her or wondering how she is doing.
It actually took 5 mos. for us to receive a new referral, and during that time I was so frustrated at how long it was taking, but now I realize that we needed the time to heal and be in a frame of mind to move on. Now, we are waiting on a court date for the referral we accepted, and we are so very excited to start our family.
So I truly understand your pain - most likely you will never forget her - but please try to take comfort in knowing that in time you will get through this, and meet the child that was meant to be part of your family - it will just take some time.
Take Care,

Andrea

[GoCathy]

My heart goes out to you. We lost a referral for an older child because a family member stepped in to take her. As bad as that was, I feel that in the long run, the real purpose of adoption is to find a home for a child that needs one. Our child did find a home...so did yours....but there are other children out there who do not have parents to take them back. These are the children who truly need us and will belong to us. I am not trying to minimize your pain in any way - it is real - but you can love another child. I know -I have two at home and we have now found another little girl we are adopting. Our hearts are big enough to love more than one. Allow yourself your grief but do not give up. The reward of parenthood is too great, and there is a child, and perhaps more than one as time goes by, who truly needs you. I am so sorry this happened to you.

[manon]

I am so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to make a suggestion about a way to alleviate a little bit the hurt you will be feeling if you do indeed have to go through another holiday season without a child of your own.

I don't know what age child you're trying to adopt, but regardless, try calling a local children's hospital to volunteer to help with kids that age who are hospitalized. Often babies and little kids can't have a parent with them 24/7, in fact many times there are families who live quite some distance away who can't afford to visit often or who have to stay home with their other kids. And of course, there are those children whose parents or family don't visit, who will probably go into foster care after the hospitalization is over.

But rocking babies who need to be rocked, or playing with toddlers, or helping older kids with homework, is something pretty much every children's hospital everywhere needs volunteers to do. I know it may make you think even more about the fact that you don't have your own child in your arms, but I think it might be a good way to use that love you need to give in the meantime until the child that is meant to be yours shows up.

I wish you all the best.

[kryslm]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss... That is the worst part about the international adoption process: It is unpredictable. I'm going to keep you in my prayers. I hope and pray that you'll get another referral very soon.

Mike

[tinker1]

I'm so sorry.. We too went through a loss of referral after we travelled to meet him. We tried for over a year to get a court date but when we finally did the biological mother refused to sign the release. She wanted to know what she was goig to get out of it.. When we got the call we were devastated!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They called me at work and I wound up just walking out and leaving. I went home and cried all night. My husband and I wanted this child so bad. We loved him. I love to draw and had painted a mural all over his bedroom walls and I had years worth of toys and clothes and now no baby!!!. We did move because I felt that room had only been for him.

We got through it eventually. I still think of him often and hope that he is well. He just turned three. He will always be apart of my heart.

That was almost a year ago. We started the adoption process again and are leaving on Sunday to meet our daughter for the first time. I look at this referral as being even more special because we would never have known anything about this little girl if it hadn't been part of the long process.....

[emjay]

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I hope you find support and comfort here as you grieve. You have every right to grieve and miss that little girl. And please know that, while it may not seem so now, there is a child who is meant to be with you - it WILL happen.

Blessings and peace to you during this trying time.

- Maura

[AlabamaDad2Be]

Wow.
I will be praying for you. This must be devastating to you, and I wish I could find the words to try and comfort you. Just know that you are in my prayers.

[ATwinkleofHope]

I am so sorry to hear about your lost referral. I know it is a very difficult time, and I pray that your healing starts. However, I strongly believe that God has a plan for all of us, and you will be united with a child he has selected for you (hopefully soon). It is hard for the human heart to understand but keep the faith.

-Jo

[DSmall]

Hello Kathleen, we too lost our referral of our twin girls one day before boarding the plane to Izhevsk. We were so devestated and I had never seen my DH in such a state of dispair. He was so angry at the whole process, he even said call the agency and get our money back, I am not going through this again!! Well, obviously we did not call and pull out, we prayed that the Lord would reveal the good that I KNEW he would make of this. Well, he made us wait two more months before getting a new referral - this was much needed time for greiveing. That is my advice to you is to GRIEVE, GRIEVE, GRIEVE...it will clean out your soul and make room for your child that WILL come home to you.

The good news is that now after we sit here and watch our new twin daughters run around our house, there is no doubt that they are the reason we lost our first referrals. There couldnt possibly be any other children for our home - they are perfect for us. Sometimes I think that the Lord just needed somebody to pray for our first girls, and we still do...wherever they are.

Hang in there and maybe you can assign one person in your family (your mom?) to make all the calls and have her politely ask people to just let you grieve without all the questions...this is what we did and it was a godsend.

Take Care,
DSmall