[golfingmom]

We got a referral today of a 9 1/2 little girl. She appears healthy, althought we don't have her complete medicals yet.

It seems like we've been waiting so long and I thought that when I saw her picture I'd be very emotional and just know that she was mine, but I don't feel that way and I feel very guilty about it. Did those of you who've already done this know it was your child when you saw him or her?

Maybe I had a preconceived notion of what my daughter was going to look like and this child doesn't look like that, I'm not sure. She is a little older than I had hoped for.

[tbristow]

My husband and I both felt the connection immediately as have a few others. There are many that don't feel that way though. Even once the medicals are reviewed and you receive an a-okay from an IA, it's still a gut instinct type of thing. If at that point you really don't feel that she's yours, then she probably isn't. That's just my opinion. I wish you the best with your decision.

[Cteal]

I don't think it is abnormal to not "feel" like she is your daughter from the start. I think people who give birth to their children feel that way sometimes. I personally did not feel 100% that our little girl was "the one". But, when we saw her we both felt like she was. We even had a few doubts about her health, but we decided that if she did have problems later on we would just deal with it the best we could. Hopefully she is healthy, we won't know until we get her home.

Our story with our little boy is a little different. We met him for the first time at the orphanage and we knew he was ours.

All I can suggest is to pray really hard about it, Get some IA docs opinions and see where you stand. 9 1/2 months old seems actually pretty young for a referral--especially if she is a healthy little girl.

Christine

[ahnasmom]

I would say it is normal too. It is hard to become attached to a photo or video when there is still so much uncertainty.

For our daughter, I knew we would accept her right away but I wasn't 'in love' with her...until they brought to me on trip #1. The difference between her referral photo and meeting her in person was unbelievable. She looked so much better in person...I just knew at that point...it was love at first sight.

For our son, there was no reason to turn down his referral other than we were leaning toward another girl! As soon as I heard about him, I knew we would accept his referral...prior to even seeing him or his medicals. Just a gut feeling. Even after meeting him,I loved him but wasn't 'crazy' about him. It's hard to explain. With him I can now honestly say, after his being home over 6 months, we are head over heels in love...but it was rough for the first 3 1/2 months.

As for looks, neither of them looked like the idea in my head...especially our son...we were hoping for a Asian (darker) referral and got our white blonde, fair, blued eyed little guy!

As for age...9 1/2 months is on the young end...although both of our kids were younger at referral...she had a known medical (correctable) condition and he was, well, a boy!

Best of luck in your decision.

[Vicki H]

I can honestly say the connection with my son didn't hit me until our second trip. I think that I wouldn't let myself become attached until he was ours. I loved him but wasn't crazy either.
Now I am so in love with my son, I couldn't even imagine life without him, I realize now that he was meant to be ours. Do not feel guilty about this, it is perfectly normal. I feel you are just protecting yourself emotionally, just like I was.


Vicki

[GCS]

We wait and wonder for so long during this process that we think we are going to fall in love at first sight when we get our referral.

Actually the process is so filled with stress and uncertainity that most people just feel numb when they get the call. All the "what if's" come to the surface and we're so worried about what could happen.

You may not connect with this child until you meet her, or until your second trip when you know she will be yours. It may take a little time, but you will connect with your child.

Best wishes and let us know how things go!

Christina

[kryslm]

Don't feel guilty... I think this is a fairly typical response. It's almost impossible to develop an attachment from a few bad photos and sketchy medical info. We didn't immediately feel a bond to the two boys we were referred.

However, things start to change when you actually meet the child or children. On our first trip last week, we immediately began to feel an attachment to the boys when we were able to hold them and play with them!

It takes some time... But, it will happen. Don't be too hard on yourself! What you're feeling is much like what the rest of us have experienced... It's normal!

Mike

[calikismet]

For 1st time adopters, esp those with bio kids, the process of bonding with these little ones can have all sorts of unexpected feelings.. remember that with bio kids (as I know you have), you have 9 months of emotional connections thru the pregnancy.. so you have time to ease into it all! With these little ones, you have an instant in-your-face child.. not in a bad or negative way, but in a realistic way! And when we are "taught" to look at these kids for health, etc., it is also easy to take a more clinical, less involved approach. So don't beat yourself up about the emotions!

We just got back from Trip #1 and got to spend 2 days with our baby girl (now 7.5 months old). It took me those 2 days to begin to feel emotion for her.. the 1st day, I was looking at her more for health, development, etc... plus she was so new to me! The 2nd day, I fell in love (okay, maybe not madly, but definately began to accept her as my daughter in my heart!). She is not the pinnacle of beauty right now (she has left over mosquito bites, as well as some eczema on her face), so it is also easy to see that... you are 100% correct in saying that we often get ideas in our minds of what our child will look like.. and fair or not, we tend to carry those over into our referrals!

My recommendation to you is to be kind to yourself, and then to sit back and look at her several times... allow her a few days to grow in your heart!

Keep me posted!

Calikismet

[Tracy922]

We adopted 2 children at the same time. I didnt feel any big thing from seeing there videos or pictures either. But, each day we visited them at the baby home and I got to know them I fell in love. I dont think its abnormal not to feel something for a photo. But, once you know that real little person you will grow to love them I guarantee it. Tracy