[AlabamaDad2Be]

OK, the wife and I have declined two referrals, each of them has been heartbreaking.

Both were precious little girls, they were both just a bit older than we'd requested, and there were some medical and developmental issues that concerned us.

Those of you who went the route of getting medicals and a video, how did you know from that little bit of information that your child was the one for you?

We know that God already has the right child for us, the perfect fit to our family. It's just so hard to know.

And, forgive my being trite, but this is not something to take lightly, like choosing a puppy. This is a child, a human being, who will grow and become a young lady.

From a 3 minute video, sometimes sketchy medical information, and the input of a doctor, do you just know when you see the one??

[waitinginnj]

Some people report that instant bonding and connection through a picture or video. I did not. I looked at a wonderful little girl, but my guard was up. I wanted to investigate the medical info and protect myself.

I worried that I didn't have that instantaneous connection and discussed it with family members. They laughed and said that my personality would never permit such a reaction - that I would have to think things out.

Over the next several days of thinking about it and getting the additional information and reconciling any of my concerns - I accepted the referral.

During our first meeting, she was very upset at first,. But through the meeting I was able to stop the tears, play and interact. At that point, I knew that I could make it work.

However, I didn't release my guard until I was through court and had custody of my daughter. This is not to say that I wasn't emotional throughout the whole process, but I had a little self protection built in.

Once my daughter was asleep in my arms, in the privacy of the hotel room, I was able to truly acknowledge that this wonderful little person was my daughter.

I needed the civil proceeding to be done in order to feel total comfort. I even remember going through the doors of Kennedy airport and looking behind me to make sure that someone from customs wasn't chasing me down to say that something wasn't right with papers or something. I remember being alone in our house for the first time, with her in her crib and thinking now we are a family.

The most important thing is not to put too many expectations on yourself and how you think you are supposed to react. Deal with your reaction and you will figure out the rest.

[CherAbb]

Great point on expectations - don't try to "picture" your child if you plan to get info prior to travel. It only makes things harder. This was a problem for hubby. He was picturing a blonde haired, blue eyed little girl...don't ask me why :-) Anyway, our daughter doesn't have either.

We did not have an instant "bond" with our daughter. We had to be fairly business like in evaluating her information and take a big leap of faith. Basically, it came down to...we can picture this child in our family, she is in the age we wanted and the doctors gave her a low - moderate risk factor. Let's go meet her and see! I have to say that we fell in love with her within 5 minutes of seeing her...not to say I still had my doubts...those continued throughout trip 1, the 3 months in between trips and until we saw her again on trip 2. Then, we finally started feeling like this is definitely the one for us :-)

[jimpol]

My husband and I declined two referrals before we accepted our son's referral. We did have that instant bond to the pictures and video, but I did keep a little skepticism in the back of my mind. I looked at it like this - if the first meeting is awful and it isn't the right child we don't have to adopt this child. Fortunately for us the minute we saw him in person it was almost magic. Of course he was scared, but I knew we made the right choice.

Sometimes you need to see a few of the referrals that you don't want to find the one that fits. I will always wonder what happened to those other referrals, but I can only pray that they found homes.

[Dobby]

Our son fit our requirements - less than 12 months, low risk health-wise. When we first saw a picture, we thought he was cute and would definitely "fit" in our family (I don't know why we thought that - but we did). We talked to an IA doctor, and when she said he was one of the healthier children she had seen recently, we accepted. Like jimpol, we liked him enough to go meet him, thinking that we could always decline it then if something wasn't right. But in the back of our minds, as the days went by before our trip, we just knew. The more we looked at his picture, thought about holding him, and talking about him - we knew that no matter what medical issues came up, we would deal with them.
I suppose you could call that instant bonding. It was so easy for us, I was surprised to hear from our sw later that approx. 50% of the couples she works with turn down their first referral.

[schphoner]

I immediately knew my daughter was meant to be our child. She was much older than expected and did have some health concerns but, I instantly felt a connection to her picture. I thought it was weird at the time that I could feel such a connection but.....here we are.

[adamcrystal]

I think we both knew when we saw her, I tried to remain the "calm uncommited" one of the two of us We did go through the steps of an IA doc and there is still that little part in our minds that knows there could be something unexpected.

Baiscally it comes down to your comfort level. We are comfortable that she is the one for us for a variety of reasons.

If you don't have the comfort level then maybe it's not the one to accept.

The children need homes but they need the right homes too.

Adam

[spaypets]

I don't believe in love at first sight and I didn't have an "instant" bond with the tiny headshot I got with my referral.

We adopted from India and didn't get a video until months after we accepted the referral (it was shot by a parent picking up her daughter). I noticed she had big eyes and big ears. We read the medical report and sent it to an IA doctor who didn't tell us anything major to worry about. It was fairly clinical.

I was emotional--I mean this was going to be our baby--but I didn't feel a bond or a connection to THIS baby above all other babies. Even with later pictures, while reassured that she was growing normally, I didn't feel a connection.

It took a while to fall in love. I loved the idea of my daughter, but it took a while for me to fall in love with the reality (just like falling in love with DH!).

Today, I'm in awe that we have been given the opportunity to raise this wonderful, delightful little girl. I must have been really good in a past life to get this reward!

[DET62]

My situation is a bit different, because I met my child on a choir trip. I had actually dreamed about her before I met her - and the night of my dream, the choir had no plans to go to the orphanage the next day, and I had no plans to adopt a child. But God knew the plan and revealed it to me. The moment I saw Alesia's little face there was just instant recognition. It was scary and delightful at the same time.

Your situation may be similar when you see the referral you are meant to accept - or it may not be. Sometimes fear is what keeps us from seeing things, I think. Fear that you may not be able to complete the adoption, fear the child may have issues you find overwhelming, just plain old fear of being responsible for this little person. All natural fears.

Obviously, like me, you are a person of faith, and all I can do it try and reassure you the way I am reassured every day when I sit down at my computer. Taped to it is this quote:

"In nothing be anxious, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God."
Phillippians 4:6

As long as I remember that, take a deep breath, and talk to God, I feel like I can handle anything. It's truly helps. Ask the Lord to reveal your child to you, and I bet you will know soon.

Take care and God Bless -
Dee Thompson
Atlanta

[LilyMoon]

I knew the moment I saw the picture of my daughter that she was the child that would be mine forever. It was an instant feeling of this feels right and this is what I have been waiting for all these years. My dh felt the same way. We used two IA docs, but we knew that no matter what they said, she was our daughter.

Well, nine months later, and she still feels like she was always meant to be ours and has been here forever.

LilyMoon

[kalina87]

Don't feel bad, a lot of us have passed up on referrals! I passed up a boy and a girl. One being too old, and one having BAD problems!

When I got Maverick's referral, first things first I had checked over the medical report. (after seeing 3 of them, you get the hang of things! The other 2, I didn't get a gut feel when I saw the video. With Maverick I did. I just KNEW he was my little guy. There wasn't going to be anything stopping me from getting him.

Those of you questioning your medical reports.. make sure you go to www.orphandoctor.com she sets you straight on all the diagnoses!

[Waiting4Skip]

For us, we saw this tiny black and white photo and instantly thought how much he resembled DH as a baby. We had already completed our dossier for another region when this happened but we were drawn to him. We requested his medical info and when we watched the video, we KNEW, however, the report was scary so we didn't let ourselves fall in love. The minute Dr. Skurkovich called with the good news however, suddenly I was showing everyone the video of OUR little boy. When we made our first trip over, the caregiver brought him out to us and when she went to hand him to DH she paused and smiled then said, through the translator "MY, he looks just like his Poppa". There has never been a second when he didn't feel like ours. Some say it was luck or fate that brought us together, we believe it was simply, God leading us to the son who had been waiting patiently, for the momma and poppa who would forever love and care for him.

And while most everyone tells us how lucky HE is, we KNOW that is US who are lucky ones.

[dvona]

In hindsight, I don't think I was able to see my now daughter, as the sheer gift and little cutie that she is. I too had prayed and her name and birthdate were very significant parts of my answered prayer, still we had thought God had answered our prayers numerous times before, just to have our hopes dashed and our faith put to the ultimate test. So for us, we couldn't give our hearts over until we found out all her medical history. Funny thing is as soon as we met her I was never so sure of anything in my life as I was that this little one was to be our daughter! I still can't believe I ever even questioned whether she was the one in the beginning, she is so much more than we had ever dreamed of.

Donna

[kalina87]

oh wanted to mention... our little guy looks like he soooooooo would be our kid. I have to post a picture of my hubby finally in Mav's web page. but see how he looks like me a little in there! It's kinda scary.

[GoCathy]

I must be different from the rest of you in that when we got a referral picture picture of our daughter I didn't feel anything special. In fact, I ws surprised because she didn't look anything like the rest of our family - very different coloring. But she seemed to be healthy so we went forward. Then when we met her, it took me a while to warm up - her,too- but I did realize that she was a sweet kid and I "liked" her. Of course, now we love her.
I think this may be a more common reaction when a referred child doesn't look like the "fantasy child" people may envision in their heads before adoption. For us, it was more like a blind date. You meet someone and it takes a while to really know them and feel the love. But it doesn't mean the love won't come.