[calikismet]

I'm gonna throw in my 2 cents here now that we have decided to accept our referral.

Our son was our 1st child, and we had NO idea of what type of child to expect. I think that made it sooo much easier to feel that he was the one when we got his pic.. I fell in love with his eyes, but also connected to the "sadness" I saw in them.. His eyes just didn't dance like they do now. But we felt that essentially instant connection. We adopted him at 8.5 months, and he is now the joy of our lives at 25 months old.

About 2 weeks ago, we got a referral for a baby girl. I didn't feel that instant connection, and was worried about why.. after all, I had felt it with our son. She was beautiful and sweet, but I questioned my lack of emotional connection. It took a while of soul searching, but I realized that in our minds eyes, we had a menatl image of what our daugher would look like.. our son is a gorgeous blondie, and was so tiny when he came home (about the size of a 4-5 month old). We just naturally expected our 2nd one to be the same. Along comes this little brunette, a tad older than we had originally visualized (she'll be a year old in September) and I think that since she didn't fit that mind's eye pic, we were not as "connected." BUT, we gave it time, and allowed ourselves to be honest about WHY we were missing that feeling.. once we figured out why, it was almost like that connection happened instantly.... We accepted her referral last week, and got the big thumbs up from the IA doc. Now, we simply could not be more excited.. we are doing her room, imagining her in our household and anxiously await the day we get to meet her (hopefully in a couple of weeks).

I may be "cyber-punched" here, but I am the type of person that cannot turn a child away unless there is something significant, something beyond just that lack of overwhelming emotions...major health issues, way over our age criteria, etc. But for those of you who have not yet received referrals, allow the child to "grow" on you a bit before turning her/him down... I think we expect the referral process to be roses and songs, but what in our life is? I doubt many of us fell in love with our spouses/ partners at first sight.. and pregnant people have 9 months to fall in love with their kids. We need to give these little ones the same ability to grow in our hearts... Just my humble opinion, and one that may not be very popular!

Hugs to all,
Calikismet

[marjo]

I believe that our agency gives us 4 days to decide on a referral, that is going to add a lot of pressure. I am trying not to have too many expectations of what our child will be like, but it is hard!

Marjo
still waiting for a referral

[Sally26]

My first initial reaction was she's not blonde haired and blue eyed, but the more I looked at her the more she made sense, she looked like my sister when she was a baby. Red haired and couldn't really tell eye color. I fell in love with her and then got the medical information. It was not great, with small head circumference being an issue. I agonized over her. Did a lot of research and my husband finally got to the bottom of my agony, what if she has a small head, but is normal. We asked for developmental information. We got it and more medical information. She was doing fine developmentally, but had tested positive for Hep C antibodies. More agony, what if they are telling us what we want to hear about her development and she's really not doing everything they say she can? What if she ends up with Hep C? We also found out that a well known IA doctor had told another couple to run not walk away from this referral. But we decided we owed it to her to meet her. More agony before travel, more discussion with my dh... I had to be sure he understood what we were in for if she did have problems. I teach special ed. I teach kids with small head circumference that have severe problems. I teach mentally retarded kids and while I love them, I didn't know if I could deal with these issues 24 hours a day, work and home. With a lot of prayer from us, our family, friends, our church, our families churches and friends churches. Before we left we knew come what may she was ours.

Incrediably, she could do everything developmentally than they told us and more. Our first visit was less than an hour and while I did hold her and kiss her, I was busy finding her fontinell, checking her hearing, dh checked to see if she could track objects, taking measurements...

She is eight months old. On target developmentally and the joy of our lives and gives joy to everyone who meets her. Her head circumference is still small (and all other measurements), but I don't even worry about it. She continues to test postive for Hep C antibodies and negative for having Hep C and I'm trusting God that she won't end up with it.

God has abundantly blessed us with her. Everyone that knew of our journey is invested in her. I can't tell you how overwhelmed I have been with the love and gifts that have poured in for this little angel. My cup truely runneth over. We have recieved over a hundred gifts, some from people at church that I don't even know that introduce themselves to us at church. Dh asked recently, Is there anything she has that we bought for her? And the answer was-not really. We went shopping this weekend and bought clothes for fall and next summer.

I have two pieces of advice, Don't expect a perfect referral and if you turn down a referral, think of me. I am so grateful that another couple turned Emily down! She is our daughter, our blessing, our fulfillment of God's grace. As I type tears of joy fall down my face, God's goodness overwhelms me.

I pray you soon get a referral of a child you just have to meet,

Sally

[chucknfw]

I may be "cyber-punched" here, but I am the type of person that cannot turn a child away unless there is something significant, something beyond just that lack of overwhelming emotions...major health issues, way over our age criteria, etc. But for those of you who have not yet received referrals, allow the child to "grow" on you a bit before turning her/him down... I think we expect the referral process to be roses and songs, but what in our life is? I doubt many of us fell in love with our spouses/ partners at first sight.. and pregnant people have 9 months to fall in love with their kids. We need to give these little ones the same ability to grow in our hearts... Just my humble opinion, and one that may not be very popular!

<Thank you for this thought. I wouldn't dare question a decision like this other than to say to be very careful not to be too businesslike in your approach of whether or not to say yes to a child. The best advice for those who are believers is to trust that God will place you with the right child for your family. Pray, pray some more, and have friends, family and as many in your circle of fellowship lift this up to our Savior. Be sensitive to the leading of the Spirit to know when to rush forward, to push, to say no, or just to wait.>

T

[khc]

Looks didn't matter to us at all and we were pretty flexible on ages. My criteria was that the kids were generally healthy.

When we got our first referral of brothers (2 1/2 and 4) from Kalingrad, our very first region, I must say that they captured my heart. The older boy was very protective of his little brother and they looked so lost and sad. When we got a diagnosis of possible FAS in the little one, we were pretty crushed when we turned down the referral. I must say that I felt an instant bond from the video.

When we finally met the kids we actually adopted, I bonded immediately to our son. He was adorable and the apple of everyone's eye. My daughter took awhile to bond to, in fact probably about 6 months after being home. She was a crying mess for the first month and I admit that she drove me crazy. I definately did not have a warm fuzzy feeling about her. Our bonding came over time and now our bond is very strong, even though she drives me nuts being a head strong 4 1/2 year old. Although looks are not important, both kids, especially Sasha, look like me. She also has my temperment. I feel in my heart that she is the daughter that I couldn't have biologically. I feel a very deep bond for both kids.

[MoscowGirl]

This is a great thread! We are still waiting for our referral. Of course, in my mind, many times over, I imagine what the child will be like when we receive a referral. Thank you for sharing your experiences and giving us your advices full of wisdom, encouragement, and faith.

[CHG]

My husband and I kept a photo of our referred son from Russia on our frig while waiting to travel. Needless to say, we could not wait to meet him in person. I had fallen in love at first sight.

Unfortunately, when we arrived at the Russian orphanage, they brought out a child who was not the one in the photograph. Needless to say, we were in shock esp. when I pulled out the photo to show it to the nurse. They did not recognize the child in our photo. Taking a step back, we decided to give this new child a chance. However, he had a severe case of failure to thrive, so much so that at ten months he could not hold a toy in his hand. We had to decline the referral.

That night, the trip coordinator called to say there were two other children she wanted us to look at the next morning but we would only have 30 minutes to make a decision. At that point, what did we have to lose? So, they placed the two on the floor at the same time. My heart did reach out to one of them who is now our son. So, the photo is not everything, be careful not to have too high of expectations until after you have spent time with the child.
Good luck.

[quixotic]

My wife and I just returned from Astrakhan after meeting our new son.

The process to meet him was not easy. The first boy we saw really scared us in terms of his health, size, possible FAS, hip displasia and a few other factors. We did not feel any connection with him. He was delightfully sweet but he was more than we could handle. Especially for our first child.

The next day, and a little gun-shy, we met another little boy. We were so shaken up from the meeting of the first boy we were so nervous we could not sit still.

Roman, the next little boy and the child we will bring home as our son in late sept., probably would have grabbed our hearts and found an immediate connection with, but as I said. we were cautious.

Over the next 2 visits we grew close to him, allowing ourselves to feel for him and connect to him. We grew to feel he was the right boy for us and we are wildly excited to have him in our lives. This will be a long month to wait to go back and get him. He needs us and we need him.

Best wishes!

k

[MICKIE54402]

We just got back 4 months ago. We asked for a infant girl healthy under 6 months from Russia. After seeing a number of children from other agency we turned down for different reasons.I found the agency that could find us a infant girl under 6 month at referal. We got two referals and the first one wasn't her. The second referal the medical said one thing but the facts were better. They said she was a 31 weeker born with apgars of 8-9 wegiht at birth 4 1/2 lbs went to the orphange and needed no help after birth. We say where video she was doing everything a 4 month old should do, we knew that she was not as premee as they thought and we took her.
KNOW THE REST OF THE STORY, 3 weeks before we were to go see Hanna for the first time we decided she need a older brother.So the race was on to get the paper work to Russia before we left. We would have to go on a blind referal meaning we would have to look for him once we were there. We thought we wanted a toddler boy under 23 months. But had our paper work done for up to 4 years old. I had no intention of a 3 year old or older. We were told about 3 boys one medical clif plalet I said no, the other boy when we saw him he just wasn't him. Then they told us about Victor he had some issue but when we saw him and he was almost 4 and was only saying 3 and 4 words in pharas and kept to himself didn't play with the ohter kids and walked like a toddler still stubbling and I didn't notice until we went over his video he walked different. I asked but who knows how it get translated if he had nearve damage CP they said no. We went back thinking about Victor. I had real consirens with him, I had a dream ( a real dream of what Seth would look like) this wasn't him. We were told they had two more boys for us to look at and my husband said no he couldn't do this again. I prayed to God to let me know if this was to be Seth or if one of these other two boys might be him. When they brought in the two boys the first a blond hair 2 year old shy little guy, and then Sirgay and my heart stopped and that was the boy from my dream that was Seth what ever his medical said what ever he was that was Seth. Know the heart wrenching choice who do you leave behind we asked more question about Victor this time we were given differnt answers ( again you don't know how things get translated when you ask something how it is said.) This time they said he had some real problems. I am sure artisum and CP. We just couldln't deside what to do. We played with Sirgay and Victor went off by himself not even noticing us or the other kids. Sirgay was shy around my husband but when asked who we were he said Mama and Papa and pointed to each of us. I thought this couldn't be so I asked him where is Papa and he pointed to Skip and where is Mama and he pointed to me. He picked us and he was the boy in my dreams he was to be Seth. We are home 4 months and he can count to 15 and say his ABC and understnad 90% of everything we say to him and is talking in short sentence. God knew who was to be our son and when he cam in the room we knew too. We still think of Victor but we also know that we would have had to leave Seth behind. The right thing was to bring Seth home.
Trust in God and your heart they will lead you to your daughter.
God bless Denise
ps forgive the misspells it is nap time and I am rushing to get this done.