[thor205]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. I read a post earlier and it really made me sad. I feel sad for the parents I really do. This process can be a lot of heart break. However I feel like I must address this thought... I also feel very sad for the little boy who was told his "papa" was here then had his hopes and dreams dashed. How is this boy supposed to trust the next "papa" that shows up? His short life has already been filled with more anguish than any of us can imagine...I don't know that he will "get over it" or find a "perfect family".

This journey is not about bringing home 100% healthy children because there is no such thing. I think people need to be more realistic in what they expect from adoption. Are you prepared to walk away if the referral isn't what you hoped? OK fine...but the kids don't have that choice. What if you have a less-than-stellar medical history? You can make yourself feel better by saying some other family will take them...that may be true. Or not.

Every parent wants healthy kids. Is there anyone out there who says "Oh I hope my kids are ill!"...No. When you have a bio child you can do everything perfectly during a pregnancy only to be presented with a less than perfect or less than healthy child. I suppose you have the option to turn him down and go home...but most parents dig deep into their hearts and minds and vow to do the best they can with the obstacles. It is hard. It isn't what we requested...but it happens. This is a small person it's not just a "referral".

We all have insurance...because our homestudy says we must. It covers medical costs for children who need it. I believe IA doctors are very wise and knowledgable...but it all comes down to an opinion (thousands of miles away) on a short video. I'm not saying you have an obligation to pick up all the sick children to adopt...but re-evaluate what "healthy" really means.

Russian medicals are not the most credible things from what I've heard. Quite often they're completely wrong or have left out important information. I can totally understand not wanting to deal with FAS...it's a big unknown and can be very hard to handle. I don't know how I would handle it either. Not every mother who drinks gives birth to a child with FAS. Many children with FAE are undetectable until they're older. So many children are being turned down for not being "healthy" it saddens me.

I did everything "perfect" during my pregnancy. Gave up junk food, coffee...I never drank of course. Yet I ended up with pre-eclampsia and had an emergency C section at 32 weeks. My son weighed 2lbs 11oz. and we both almost died. He spent 6 weeks in NICU... many days I got to the NICU and the nurse told me she revived him several times during the night. He almost had his lung amputated. They were throwing around cystic fibrosis as a diagnosis. He didn't sit up til he was 18 months old and never crawled correctly. The Drs were all upset because he only military crawled. He had a bad head tilt and didn't sit up well or get teeth until almost 18 months old! If I saw him in an orphanage with little medical info I would be scared that he was not "healthy" ...I have the option to reject the referral so why not wait for a more healthy child?

Guess what? By the time he was 2 he was caught up on everything! He's so healthy now he never even gets colds. No allergies either. He's a tall healthy happy 6 yr old boy.

My point is...I don't think anyone rejects a referral easily but when you adopt it's a risk. Know that risk when you start...Nothing is guaranteed. Follow your heartand you might be pleasantly surprised.

[calikismet]

Wow.. this is an intersting thread, and one that I'm sure will become pretty involved as it's read more..

I guess I can only offer my own experience.... we got a med eval on our son (and will be doing the same for our daughter) b/c we wanted to be aware of our risks.. believe me, it is a shame to have a child come home with problems of which the parents are not aware.. it causes anger in parents, and the child often will not get the treatment he/she needs. We wanted to be as prepared as possible for any problems -- not b/c we would ncessarily reject based upon the findings, but b/c we wanted to be educated. I think that is vital in a good transtition to parenthood --- esp 1st time parenthood! Thank God our son was healthy, but you are absolutely right -- we'd love him anyway and do everything in our power to overcome!

The issues that I think parents are concerned about are the ones for which treatment is not necessarily available... like FAS. Altho the effects can be dealt with, it is a lifelong affliction. Parents going into that scenario have to be as prepared as possible.

So I guess I don't differ too much from you in that I feel that yes, all children should be given the benefit of the doubt, and given the chance to shine in ways that cannot come across on paper. But I also support the use of meds as a way to prepare the families for what may be to come, and also a way to determine if indeed the problem is one that the family can deal with... that makes for a MUCH better transition for the whole family!

But overall, good post -- certianly makes one think....

[obasan]

I agree with the previous poster in part. I don't think anyone who decline the referrals are as you put it, "easily decline referrals". If you read the previous thread, you see numerous people were literally heart broken for declining a referral. I don't see anyone said "oh, well he/she is not healthy, so I just waite for the next one". Most people get referrals and have IA docs examined, hoping that everything comes out okay. There must be lots of emotion and prayer going on. When the results are favarable, there will be the feeling of dissapointment and sadness because many of them already fellin love with the child from looking at pics. I don't think it is an easy task to say "no" to the child.

Also you need to keep in mind that not everyone can offer the level of care that the child may need in the future. For example, we are older couple, I will be 42 and my husband is 50. It would be very hard for us to raise a child with some type of permanent issues such as FAS/FAE. I don't think there is anything wrong with us being honest because I know there is someone else out there who can provide for the child much better than we can. I am not looking for a perfect child, I don't think most people are not. But just because they turn down a referral for health reason does not make them bad or cold hearted people. I am no one to judge others. when I see some people turn down a referral, I figured that they have very good reasons and they thought about it very hard. Everyone's situation is different.

[algal]

While I agree that every child should be given a chance, I don't agree that every adult (prospective parent) is equipped to deal with illness. And I don't think that it is in a child's best interest to be placed with parents who cannot "deal" with the child's needs. Thoughts?

[Bcelli]

I don't disagree with your point that we never really know what might can be, but no one can decide for a family what match is right, but them.

With respect to the heartbreak the child must be feeling because he was told this was his 'papa,' I would speculate very little. Children who have grown up in orphanages, especially young children, have little or no concept of what a papa and mama are. The children in our youngest son's orphanage called all women mama and all men papa. I doubt this child is pining for the family he lost because the concept is just too abstract. In order for this boy to have his "hopes and dreams dashed," he would have to be able to conceptualize relationships he has never experienced.

It is much sadder for us because we sympathize for these kids and project our own feelings into the situation. I don't imagine there is anyone who read that thread who did not feel for all parties involved.

[dlhall]

Until you're actually faced with having to turn down a referral I don't think you can really understand nor can you judge the decision that is made. We turned down a referal and I sobbed for days. It was the hardest decision we ever made and I still feel a lot of guilt about it. I keep praying the child has found a home and is happy and safe. Did we do the right thing? I don't know and I'll probably never know, but I do know that at the time we were presented with the serious health situation of the child we didn't feel like we could cope. So, I guess yes we made the decision that was right for us at the time. I hope I never have to face a decision like that again.

Liz

[spaypets]

IMHO there's a difference between having an illness or a disability thrust upon you and volunteering for it.

Of course, if my DD had turned out to have medical problems or special needs after we took custody, we would have done our best to address those needs. Actually, that's an understatement--we would have fought tooth and nail for her to receive the best treatment possible.

But that doesn't mean we should have deliberately sought out an ill child or accepted a referral of an ill child.

I have the the utmost respect and admiration for people who adopt children with special needs. They are a special breed and I am not one of them. Yes, I have no doubt I could rise to the occasion if need be, but that isn't the way I dreamed my life would be. That isn't the path I would choose.

One of the features of international adoption that make it superior to birth is that there is an element of choice. I got to decide what sex my child would be and I got to decide what health problems I would accept or at least learn more about. Is there a possibility of surprise? Absolutely. It's a gamble, but the odds of having a healthy child are improved when the IA doc says the records look clean.

And, actually, bio parents sometimes do have a choice about whether they will parent a child with special needs. Those prenatal tests aren't just academic exercises.

I'm sorry if I sound defensive, but I get irked when people want to deny me the right to choose a healthy child just because I'm adopting. I did not adopt as an act of charity to help some poor unfortunate. I adopted because I wanted to be a parent and I prayed for her good health. I also played the odds by choosing a child whose records said she was healthy.

[kimber413]

Well said, spaypets.

[EJsDad]

I ditto spaypets post too.

I also admire those families who are willing and able take on special needs children. My wife and I are not in that category, nor do we feel like we should be obligated to consider children of a particular category simply because we are not capable of biologically having children.

In the story that the OP is referring to, this couple was deceived (IMO) by their agency in telling them that both children were healthy when it is clear that they *should* have known or at least made the effort to confirm the health of these children. No family should be faced with a decision to refuse a referral based on new information concerning their health. This family returned home empty handed and now have to start the process over again. This was NOT a decision made lightly.

While I, too, feel for the little boy, I don't agree that the family should have adopted them "just because." A lot of thought and committment to these kids' futures needed to be considered as well.

I certainly hope I never have to put in a similar position.

[AlabamaDad2Be]

I also agree with spaypets and dlhall.

Until you've been in that situation, you don't know what it's like. I've said this before, and I'll say it again - it's a process until you start getting those videos and medical histories.

The couple in the thread referenced went through a very difficult experience, and, I too think they were deceived by their agency.

My wife and I have just gone through all the heartbreak of declining a second referral. We both literally could not sleep the night before we made our final decision.

You know the saying that was tossed around in the 80s - "it's not a choice, it's a child". I think that applies here. As adoptive parents, you have to look at what is best for that child over their lifetime. Some parents are equipped to handle situations that other parents are not, and it is only doing the child and yourself a disservie to accept a referral that you are not going to be able to handle.

People go through enough grief having to turn down a referral, please don't make it any more difficult on them by questioning their motives.

[sickmeig]

my daughter was turned down by another family. in her video, her head was shaved, she was chubby, dressed funny....but i saw her potential. she is very beautiful. i wonder if they think about her. their loss, my gain. the orphanage teachers told me that they often see parents chose a child who is less bright but the parents go on looks. even kids who look perfect and beautiful can have problems. adoption is really a leap of faith and a trust in god. there is NOTHING wrong with turning a child down but i agree with not setting yourself up for perfection. prepare for the worst, hope for the best. i thought katya might have tourette's because of a grunting sound she made. but i decided we would deal with it - that she was meant for our family. it would have been a big mistake to turn her down, she doesn't have tourette's and is very bright, loving, gorgeous.
(adopted katya age 3 - 4/04).

[lawood]

We asked God for a child and that is just what He did. We never had our daughter evaluated by an IA. Just like we never had an ultrasound with our bio son. God is good and He has a plan. His plan is perfect and we believe that He knows what is best. Who are we to choose?

[papedge]

just remember that all these children have Dx's my son had 9 on his medical and he's been home 7 mon. and only has 1 hernia in his belly butten you have to use a good IA doctor that can help and you need to look at you options if you are someone who has to work you might not be able to care for a child with special needs you can not judge intil you walk in there shoe's so remember it is your opion but please always be kind in your words because there are no perfect people or children because if we all were perfect we would not need to adopt and if the bio parents were perect there would not be all the kids waiting to be adopted..... just my toughts

[LHecht]

Everyone feels for the children who need homes, no doubt. I'm sure it is heartbreaking to have to decline a referral and I thank God we did not have to do that. But if a PAP decides they can't handle whatever medical info they're presented with and decide to decline, it's the right decision for them and for that child. Hopefully everyone adopting is prepared for the possibility of the unknown that is the same with biological children, but that's for them to judge and I can't fault anyone for trying to minimize the risk.

[grannymac]

I guess this is my night for asking questions and this is a little off the subject of the thread. I work for a physician, and often claims are denied as a "pre-existing" condition. My question is this-if the child you adopt has medical problems does your health insurance company give you static or raise the premiums to cover the expenses the child will have. Drs. fight insurance companies on an almost daily basis, so this thread just made me wonder if any of you had problems with your health ins.