[MCYOung]

DH and I began the adoption process three years ago and just had the home study was complete when I had a miracle baby (no fertility treatments). Baby conceived after yrs of not conceiving with or without fertility rxs and several miscarriages. After 2yrs of trying to conceive again - w/ drs conviction we could- and going through 4 failed IUIs and 1 IVF we decided to adopt. I am concerned taht family members may show favortisim to my biological child - any thoughts, ideas suggestions to help me with this?

P.S. Everyone has been supportive of the idea, and I do not think it would be eliberate - but I am still worried how it will be in reality

[grannymac]

From a Grandma who has two grandsons who I would literally die for--I can hardly wait to get my two Russian sweethearts. I don't even know who they are are where they are yet, but I do know that I will love them just as much as I do Cody & Riley. Cody will be 13 in Oct. and Riley is 3.5, so Cody will always be my "special" guy. Laura's brother and SIL were both working a lot of evenings so I had Cody alot when he was small. We are still very close and just this past Fri. evening he walked into the house and announced he was spending the weekend with us. Do I love Riley less-absolutely NO. Your mom might have a special place in her heart for your oldest, but she's going to love them just the same!!

[Bcelli]

That pretty much sums it up. Nicely put MAC

[kimber413]

I worried about this with my mother-in-law. She's not exactly what I would call a touchy-feely kind of person anyway, but she has other biases that I thought might lap over onto our adopted child. She already has two biological grandson's from her daughter and SIL.

However, yesterday, my friends had a baby shower for us (early, but they wanted to do it before we traveled on our first trip). My MIL bought so much stuff! I told her she'd gone a little overboard, to which she responded "this is MY GRANDDAUGHTER we're talking about". It put a great big smile on my face.

I guess I'm trying to say that even the toughest parents can melt where their grandchildren are concerned. I'm sure you don't have anything to worry about. But if you notice a difference being made by any of your family members, you can always take the offender aside and tell them what you've noticed. They may not even realize they've done something insensitive.

[Vicki H]

Hi,
My parents have three biological grandchildren. I can honestly tell you I see no favoritism with the bio-grandchildren, they love my son just as much as the others. Hope this helps.


Vicki

[Dobby]

My BIL & wife had this trouble with my MIL. They adopted from Kazakhstan, and had just decided and informed us all that they weren't going to pursue another child. Boom! Two months after that, pregnant (after 10 years of ttc). There was definitely more excitement for the biological child at first. The pregnancy and preparation was FINALLY what my MIL wanted to glory in, and loved telling everyone every update.

She also got "in a lather" (as my DH says) when it came time for the birth; much more so than for the flight home with their first son. But now that it's a few months later, she treats them both absolutely and truly equal. We worried that because of her own biases there would be more obvious differences in how she treats them, but it's not noticeable.

Now, my DH and I have noticed that the older child, who is 3, doesn't get as much lap time as the 10 month old; but again, he's not walking yet, and it's easier to cuddle a 10 month old than an active 3 year old!

[mamatokay]

On the flip side of this let me tell you about my MIL...

Our daughter was 2 when she was placed with us through fostercare, we adopted her when she was 5..we are the only family she remembers as she had been in fostercare since she was 7 weeks old.

My MIL is a very mean spirited person..and in her warped little world she thinks BLOOD is the most important thing. I told my husband when we adopted our daughter that if his mother treated her any different I would stop any interaction with her. Well..for the first few years she was cordial to our daughter, (let me say I also have a bio son who is now 31 and our daughter is now 13). Of course to my daughter this was the only granparent she had since both of my parents are deceased. If anyone was to ask my MIL how many grandchildren she has she would state '6' she has '7' including my daughter. In any conversation wth others she always referred to my DD as "the adopted one". Of course when my DD was younger she did not realize the prejudice her grandmother had, but as she got older it really started showing. May 2003 we all went on a cruise together including MIL, she let her true colors show to my DD who was 12 then...needless to say....my DD and I have NOTHING to do with her, my DD refused to go to the womans house..Thank God she lives about 2 hours away. When my husband wants to see his mother, he goes alone. we have seen her twice since last May, and both times were at his sisters house. My DD refuses to speak to the woman..if she calls here and my DD answers the phone and hears the womans voice..she doesnt say anything..she just hands the phone to her daddy.

I was extremely hurt over her reaction to our DD..but I came to the conclusion that the woman had a problem..it wasnt my dd, but I will protect my dd, and will not step foot in the womans house as long as she treats my dd as an outsider. The bad thing is our dd has been with us for over 11 years now, and the old bat still treats her like an outsider. Oh well its her loss...not ours, I don't want people like that around my daughter, I don't want her raised with any kind of prejudice. Oh by the way the MIL is a very prejudice old bat also, she has her way of believing about things and there is no changing her....my husband sees it, but of course its his mama, so he won't cut contact with her.

Hope you don't have to go through that.....but if you do remember the person treating the child differently is the one with the problem, not the child and not you.

~Carol~

[schroeder]

I think my mom favors our son a little more. I know she has a different bond and the main reason is she is his caregiver while I work but we always had a running joke in our family that my first neice was her favorite child- now 24 gradkids latter- Beth is the favorite girl and Jake is the favorite boy. She loves all her grandkids- but I can see there is something different with Jake.