[bishopmom]

I started telling people that the three children we're planning to adopt would be around 5, 3, and 1, and boy, do I get a response. I've been told everything from they'll stab you all to death as you sleep, to they'll be emotionally damaged forever and have doomed relationships all of their lives.
Help. We really want to help an older child, (between 3 and 6), because we feel like their chances for adoption have decreased so much by that age. My standard reaction has become, "No, I didn't see that on 20/20."
Someone who has adopted a 3-6 year old, please tell me that it was alright. Thank you!
Donna

[aMarylandfamily]

It is surprising to find out once you are in this process how much that word scares people ... and its not "because they'll stab you in your sleep" but more because it is different and most people can't do different.

Adopting a child of the age frame you are talking can be very successful. The hardest thing to remember is that they have seen and/or witnessed more trauma at some point than you could imagine anyone ever experiencing ... so with this comes their extreme handling of some situations with anger, tantrums or rages or the oppositive of reacting overly affectionate to hide from or cover emotions ... so you need to know your what you can handle as you identify what child you are willing to be matched with and what needs you can handle ... as a mother, father and family - individually and together! And ... then you need to be willing to open your door to professionals who can and will assist you through many phases of their growing ... getting assistance whether in the form of mental health therapy or special education services or whatever is not a bad thing nor a reflection on your inability to do things yourself ... if anything it is love with courage. And if for some reason a child with your family does encounter a phase where agression (minor or major) has to be addressed then you set up the necessary safety precautions for the child and any and all family members and or friends if applicable and you take one day at a time ...

Our last placement was 11 when he joined our family and is currently in a residential program when he became a danger to himself and others but that does mean the adoption was unsuccesful ... only that he has needs that must be and are being addressed ... and if we had to do it all over again - we would!

Hope this helps!

[grannymac]

Do people think that the horrific crimes we read about, committed by children, are those that have been adopted? I'll bet the percent is very small. Any child, from any family, can have emotional problems. That is why we have professionals that deal with adolescent behavior problems.
Yes, you're going to have your hands full, and yes, it's going to be a big adjustment, but the age range you are wanting are delightful and formative years of childhood. Don't let anyone talk you out of it. People who make stupid comment are just that-STUPID

[Mysticah]

I have experience........now. I knew nothing 5 years ago when we chose this route. We chose to adopt a beautiful 6 year old. We knew nothing about her background when she was placed with us. They moved her so fast, her child study wasn't even done. She was a sweet little girl. Smiled at us all the time. Grinned from ear to ear. After a short honeymoon period, it all changed! OOOOOHHHHHHHH we were so not prepared! A majority of what was happening was happening on the bus and at school. She would hit, pinch and scratch these other children. Children who were trying to be her friends! She would come home from school each and every day telling me her day was awesome, terrific, everything was fine! One day I received a call from her teacher. She said "We really need to talk and talk NOW" That was when we were blown away. We had no idea what we were getting into. None. Zilch. No one prepared us. I could go on and on and tell the drama. But lets fast forward to today.......5 years post placement later. She is 11 now. I no longer hear horror stories from school. She actually has friends! No more tantrums. The only thing we deal with on a daily basis is lying! Ohhh we lie about everything! I just don't understand why. Lies daily. Over everything and anything! But I always think back to how the first 6 years of her life must have been. She was abused in so many ways, she was neglected, she was the parent. How difficult it must be to finally be in a 'normal' family. Where there is no abuse, only love.

Was it all worth yet? Yes! She is growing into a wonderful young teen. She would never have gotten this chance if she wouldn't have been 'saved' from her birth family. Who knows where she would be had she stayed there. It's difficult, but there are rewards. It has taken us 5 years to decide to give her a sibling. We have just finished our home study process and received the approval to do it again. Are we crazy? Perhaps! Listen to your gut feeling and decide what you want to do. Just believe it won't be easy. But I have faith, you can do it. If I can go through this, anyone can!

[hockeyMom]

I have many friends who have adopted toddler age, school age and almost teenagers from all over the world. It has not been a nightmare. There may be some issues to deal with, like culture shock, having a family for the first time or other issues. But certainly nothing violent or even remotely like you mentioned. Even adopting an infant can have issues. Wehave 3 all adopted at 14 months and younger and we know that the future can still have some things that will need to be dealt with from a therapy/counseling point of view. Nothing is certain, not even with adopting an infant at a young age.

Our next adoption will be of a toddler/infant sibling group. I am not even worried about any issues, it happens in life and our family will cross that bridge when we get to it.

Good Luck,

[bishopmom]

violent outburst, angry rages, or emotional exlosions? If you brought home a child from Russia between 3 and 6 and the child was happy and healthy, tell me. We are adopting three children. Should they all be under 2?!
Can anyone offer a comment other than, "It will be very difficult, but you'll survive" ?

[sickmeig]

just brought home 3 year old katya in april. she had some bad habits but i was very firm with her and i don't see these 3 bad behaviors anymore (picking her nose-then when asked to stop, picking deeper, pinching, shaking her fists at people). i let her know that these 3 behaviors are not tolerated. she has only been here 3 months. she is the most loving, well adjusted child. i think that pinching is prevalent in these orphanages. i'm not sure if the kids do it to each other or the teachers use it as discipline. she does have tantrums but i think she is learning to show emotion for the first time. nobody cared about her likes and dislikes before. she was in the orphanage since birth. a child removed from a home might have been abused and might have other issues. i know several others in my city who have adopted russian toddlers. no problems except for tantrums and emotional outbursts. but when we go places i see american toddlers behaving the same way. she loves barney and watches several 30 min. movies at a time. (good attention span). NO SIGNS of attachment disorder. she went to daycare for 1 week (had to go to work) and they thought she was great. she will run away (for fun) in public so her safety is always an issue. i don't think that the risk of adopting a toddler is any greater that having your own biological child. the risk is always there for brain injury, chemical imbalance, etc. i agree that if you are able, the toddlers need saved because the babies are adopted more often.

[bishopmom]

Can I ask the agency to show us children who have been in orphanages from birth rather than those who were removed from abusive homes? Would they be likely to tell us the truth? Do they have to?

[suburbanmomgw]

Our son was almost 2 when we brought him home. I know you are talking 3+, but I want to say "GO FOR IT!" If you have a desire to shelter an older child, do it. I will say knowledge is power. Read, read, read! There is a ton of info. out there on older adoption. Also, I feel that the things I read seemed extreme/challenging, but i also saw things our son wasn't and felt some comfort. I think it also helped me to understand what I was seeing for what it was. Education is key. I do think people think you are crazy because they don't understand. My own family members still admitt they think it's crazy, but they embrace our son. It takes a special heart to adopt. Trust that God's plan for your family will happen! Oh, and any request from you to your agency should be applied! Your agency is working to make you happy! Ask away!

[LilyMoon]

Our daughter was 4 when we brought her home and she is the most wonderful child. We are thrilled with how smart, healthy, beautiful and good spirited she is.

The first few weeks were a bit tough as she adjusted to a new family and learned to trust us. The language barrier also makes for a tough transition as it is so hard to explain things. But that ended fairly quickly as she began speaking English. Now, 8 months later she is completely fluent in English and such a delight.

_________________
LilyMoon
Lucky Mom to Zak and Anastasia

[orphanagemom]

Hi,
We got home with our little one last month (June). She just turned three yesterday, and she has been absolutely wonderful since we got her. The day we brought her home, she started playing with her new 2 brothers and 1 sister, and with all her new cousins that were here waiting for her. She now speaks completely in English, and won't even answer us in Tagalog if we ask her a question in Taglalog (we had the orphanage make up a list of phrases that a two/three year old would know)! She is very observant, and tries to do everything she sees others doing. She does have the little "two year old" tantrums, but there not even as bad as many neighbors that I've seen (bio kids). She pretends to cry and lay on the floor for about 30 seconds or a minute is all. The only hard part we had was that all the new food gave her diahrrea for about a month - we had to put pull-ups on her, and she was fully potty trained (but she went right back to being potty trained as soon as the diahrrea went away). Go for it, I say! Good luck!!
Jen

[Abdulina]

Our children were ages 3, 4, 6 and 8 at time of adoption. We brought home 2 at a time. Yes, no matter who you adopt, there will most likely be some issues related to the orphanage. It also is very individual and depends on the child. We didn't know what the heck we were doing the first time around. This last time, easier but not without what you'd call difficulty. But if you're prepared, you can do it with ease. We use Hold Time at our house, which is rather effective in adopted children. We are going back for a 14yo girl, 10yo girl, 7yo boy, 1 or 2yo boy, & baby brother of our son. We will use Hold Time on all but the 14yo. It is something to consider. You prepare for the worst but hope for the best. They are a joy but you have to understand that there is an adjustment period when you get home. All children react differently. Good luck and try not to worry. Many people who have not adopted will tell you of some media thing they saw on adoption. Let it go and move on. Take care. You'll do just fine.

Stephanie.

[manon]

I adopted a little girl who turned 2 yrs old while I was there on the 2nd trip (waiting out the 10 day waiting period). I know that's younger than you asked, but it hasn't been a nightmare! But a total lack of outbursts? I would be concerned if she didn't have some!

I think the thing to remember about an older child is that they often are emotionally younger than their chronological age, especially if they've been raised in an orphanage. So you might be misled if you're expecting their behavior to match up to their chronological age.

About the question you asked about asking the agency to only refer you a child who has been at the orphanage from birth -- I think that you could talk it over with them, but from what I've read on this & other boards, it sounds like it could very well be just luck of the draw about whether that even makes a difference. The fact situations are all so different & hard to predict. Sometimes there are kids who have been in an orphanage from day one onwards who may have suffered abuse in the orphanage even (not terribly likely but always possible), and there may be kids who were with family up until recently who actually had very healthy family relationships and did not suffer any abuse or neglect but actually had their parent(s) die in a car accident or something. It varies a lot from child to child.

I have a good friend who adopted an 8 yr old from Russia, and she's 13 yrs old now and doing fine. She has had her moments (her mom calls them melt-downs) and still is nowhere near as motivated in school as her mom wishes she would be, but really it has not been a nightmare. Oops, just remembered you were asking about ages 3 to 6!

Anyway, best wishes to you. I think adopting more than one child at a time is hard (heck, adopting one is hard!) since you'll have to just see how they are and what they need when they get home, and as they adjust and grow up. But I don't think every toddler adoption turns out to be 20/20 fodder!

[grannymac]

Sickmeig--I have a bio 3.5 yr old grandson. He recently started picking his nose, and when told to stop he ignores me. Shaking fists and temper tantrums were at about 2.5 to 3 but he still is very opinionated. I think this is just a general problem with this age group.

[Bcelli]

I have told you before both my sons are perfectly normal, happy, healthy and well-adjusted, one adopted as an infant, the other as a toddler. But to answer one of your questions - yes you can request a child who was relinquished at birth and has not lived anywhere other than an orphanage. All children without families deserve a home, whether they were abused, neglected and removed from the home or abandoned at birth.