[Sally26]

Thank you for the warm welcome home! I hope I have posted a picture, when I preview my post I don't see it.

Things went well with the IA doc. Head circumference is still a concern. I didn't realize they do all the blood tests over again, so that concerns me that they don't trust any Russian lab work. Wow she just pulled herself up to standing in my arms!
The family therapist made us worry about attachment. It was like my dh heard for the first time what I have told him the experts tell you to do.

How many of you didn't let anyone else hold, feed, change, make eye contact with for more than three-five seconds?

How long do you think attachment will take with a six month old?(I know every child is different) She already responds to us, smiles, laughs, can be comforted by me...dh doesn't get that comforting isn't entertaining , yet.

Sally

[suburbanmomgw]

There is much debate on "how long" etc. attatchment takes. Every child is different too. A 6mth old is very young--my guess is that attatchment will be quick, but I'm not an expert! Trust your instincts. Read to be informed of what is "normal" and then, love your child! Congratulations!

[Vicki H]

I really think it depends on the child. Alex was never shy and never backed away from anyone. He took to us right away and when we arrived home he went to my Mother at the airport, but never took his eyes off of me.

A lot of people mainly SW will tell you to keep them away from others for several weeks for bonding purposes, of course this is easier said than done. We really had no problems at all with Alex attaching to us. Our transitions was really smooth , although this is not the case with every child.

My best advice is to read up on the issue, look for signs of attachment.


Vicki

[ahnasmom]

Ahna was adopted at just shy of 11 mos and we had no attachment issues with her BUT no one was allowed to feed her, bath her, dress her, comfort her, etc for many months. I did let others hold her and play with her however. I honestly don't know if I needed to do this but, after all I had read, we decided why risk it?

For Alex adopted at 8 mos 1 day, as I have previously posted, we had and continue to have some minor attachment issues. I still do almost everything for him and he actually prefers it that way. My DH still doesn't feed him (maybe once or twice) and he wouldn't allow it most of the time anyway. DH has not even been able to give him a bath yet.

As the others have posted, it will depend on the child. One thing I read about and did (& still do) with Ahna is massage her after her baths with lotion...she loves and now so does Alex and it is supposed to help with attachment.

Good Luck and try to post the picture again!! Please!!

[Mezzo1]

Our daughter was adopted at 6 months old also. For the first 4-6 weeks, we did not let anyone besides my husband and myself hold, feed. change diapers or comfort her. At times it was draining (we could have used a break), but it was the right thing for us.

We really took the time to explain to our families that this was what the social workers suggested and that it was critical for her future and how she is able to build relationships. This was tricky with the family because they couldn't really understand since they had never adopted, but they respected our wishes.

To be honest, I didn't feel like she was what I would call "fully attached" until she was home for about 6 months. Attachment takes time - it's about building trust and your child knowing that she/he can count on you for all her needs. I'm thrilled for the people that say they met their babies and that within a few days they were attached. But I trully believe that real attachment is a longterm process.

She 2 1/2 now. She is a very gregarious, outgoing child who is fully attached. We are in the process of adoption #2 and will do the same. No explanation needed for families and friends this time since they see how well adjusted our daughter is.

Mezzo

[tschuitema73]

Great Topic
We have been home now since June 12. And I can tell you we have surprisingly found resistance to our request to not hold or comfort our children.

The first two days we were home our front door was like a revolving door. We then got this paniced feeling of "remember everything you learned about attachment" And we closed family off for almost 2 weeks. We now let people play with the kids. Still no holding or comforting and ofcourse we do all the bathing changing and feeding.

We also give my 2 1/2 yr. old a bottle at night. This has truly been a bond builder between her and daddy. She doesn't care what is in it she loves the closeness and comfort she feels from it. This is not something I would share with people outside of the adoption circle. Even after letting a few people know how highly recommended this was by an attachment therapist, I could tell they thought it was strange.
Tamara

[CherAbb]

I too, give our 2 year old a bottle every night. I give it to her and it is GREAT time together. She used to drink the bottle and then bolt out of my lap...now she hangs out afterwards for singing or talking or whatever until I put her to bed.

We were strict about who did what for the few couple of weeks...but did allow people to be around her and play with her. Just tried to limit care (feeding, bathing, etc.) to hubby and I. But, as you all know, the SW recommended a longer period, but easier said than done. If I would have encountered problems I would have done as she suggested, but frankly our daughter has been doing really so I've backed off some those things. I work outside the home so I couldn't keep up with her recommendations. I'm back at work now 2 days a week and my mom cares for her on those days - our attachment seems to be holding up just fine :-) As many said, this is totally kid dependent so you have to see what works for you and what doesn't.

[spaypets]

Tamara-my daughter's been home a year (she's 2 1/2) and we still give her a bottle at nap and at bed. I sing to her and rock her. She loves it, and I think it's a great transition to bed. It was something we did instictively because the bottle was SUCH a comfort to her. Now it's just a nice thing we do -- part of our bedtime routine. I simply don't understand why people are so eager to get rid of bottles completely.

[Mykidsmom]

Hello,

We adopted a 6 month old in Ukraine and we took possession of him the day after the courtdate but the 10 day appeals period was not waived . I look as that as the best thing that could have happened as for as bonding. We were his soul caretakers and we did not have any outside distraction for 10 days then we started on our trip home. No phone calls, faxes, e-mails or jobs. By that time we knew his habits and likes and dislikes and he new that we would be the people there to tend to them. We were first time parents so that time may have been more useful for us then for the baby.

All that being said, I do believe it depends on the child. Our other son we adopted from Belarus and he was 13 months old at the time we adopted him. Our entire trip was only 8 days so we didnot have the one on one time with him . I cannot say that we had any bonding issues.

When we returned home from each trip we didnot leave the boys with anyone for several months. When we went to visit people to show the boys after we got home, people could hold the boys as long as they could see Mom or Dad close by and they were OK.

A few days after we got home with our son from Ukraine we stopped by the adoption agency to show him off. The social worker that did our homestudy was there and she ask if I thought he had bonded with us, I said sure I think so. Before we left one of the men who works at the agency, who happens to be russian, comes up to my son and starts speaking to him in russian ( the language spoken at the orphanage), my son immediately turns in my arms thows his arms around my neck and starts crying. The social worker was watching this whole episode and when I got my son consoled she said to us " Oh he's bonded"

Follow your heart. Give them time and love.

Mykidsmom

[Agapi]

I think you are all wonderful parents!!! You have to do what is best for your children regardless of what others think or feel.

In my personal opinion there's absolutely nothing wrong with giving your children a bottle. I guess you could also use a sippy cup with older children while holding, rocking, etc. .

We are probably going to receive a referral for children between the ages of 2 1/2-5 and if it takes a bottle/sippy cup to bond, then so be it! We are also ready to incur the wrath of well meaning grandparents when they will be told that they cannot hold, feed, etc. the children for a while.

They will just have to realize that it is not about them, but about the mental/emotional health of the children.

Sally, I agree with Suburbanmom. Inform yourself on attachment/bonding and trust your instincts. Only you know your child best. Congratulations!

[Dobby]

I would have to agree that it's up to your comfort level and your child. To be honest, we did not do ANY of the above. We arrived home, had my parents stay for a week, and we all traded off duties. We did not read up on any attachment issues - we of course knew it could be a problem, but we didn't do anything at all special. Personally, we would never have imagined limiting contact with other family members. Of course, both sets of grandparents live at least 2 hours' drive away, so after the initial few days we did not have much of a "revolving door."

We did not notice any problems with Roman not beginning his "attaching" to us. I agree with someone who posted above, it takes a long time for trust and full attachment to occur. Even by the time we got home, 5 days after we got him, he recognized us and preferred us over other family members, even though he did not mind being held by others. He would constantly look around to see if we were there; then he would go back to doing what he was doing.

Recently (3 months after we arrived home) we have noticed a bigger change in his "attachment". He goes to us frequently now for comfort when he is scared or thinks he's hurt. It used to be that any family member could calm him (grandparents, uncle or aunt) but now it is exclusively us that he calms down for.

So again, I would say it's up to personal preference; but it is possible to have growing attachment without limiting family members' participation.

[Vicki H]

I do agree with most that it takes time. Although in my case I had to go back to work 8 weeks after bringing my son home. We also had the revolving door for a few days, then things slowed down.

I did start to leave him with my sister, who watches him while I am at work, just for an hour or so once a week, four weeks before I went back to work, so he could get used to being with her. He didn't cry the first day, he knew her and my niece and nephew, but he was very glad when I came to pick him up. Now he absolutely loves to go to my sisters, he is even starting to say my niece and nephews names. This is the only place he doesn't whine for a few seconds when I leave, he looks at me and says Bye Bye Mama. If we leave him with my Mom he kind of whines a little but never cries.

Eight months after returning home he is even recognizing different homes, he gets excited when I pull up in front of my sisters and if we go to my parents he yells Nana or PopPop.

We still give him a bottle before bedtime and this is excellent bonding time, since this is probably the only time he stays still all day. I plan to continue this for a while, I consider this our time together, since he wants to play every other minute of the day.

Just give them time, you will be able to tell when they have bonded and attached. Good luck to all.

Vicki

[Tracy922]

Hi, we didnt do all of these above things either..I hadnt heard of this. My mom helped us immediately upon arriving home for 1 week. My son really took to her. We see her at least a few times a week. I was worried he liked her to much. But, last week I had a dentist appointment and left my 2 children there during this. When I came back the kids and grandma were outside. The kids immediately ran to me. I picked up my son to go in to get our bag but he didnt want in grandma's house..he screamed until I put him in the car because he knew we were leaving and he was making sure he was leaving in that car with me. That made me feel good. Also, last week the kids went into the nursery during church. I was so worried about them. Our church gives the parents a beeper..ours never beeped. But, as soon as they saw me coming in to get them they ran right out of that room excited it was time to leave with me. Im glad and reassured they have bonded and know me from everyone else after only 5 weeks. Tracy

[grannymac]

I'm reading your posts and crying, just thinking that I might not get to see my new grandchildren for a couple months. I was at the hospital when my other 2 were born and held them after mommy and daddy. If my new ones need time I will certainly give them all they need, I only hope that when my time comes they will have the special bond between grandma and child--to know that there is someone else who loves them with all her heart, a place they can come when they're teenagers and mom & dad become really stupid people. I have so many precious memories of Cody & Riley--especially Cody who is 12.5 now. All the fun times, slumber parties, reading story books, hot chocolate and cookies over stories of school and new friends. My two new ones won't live close to me (over 5 hour drive) and that makes me sad and fearful that they won't feel the special relationship I have with the boys. Did your children have any problems bonding with the family members after being alone with just the parents? Did you gradually introduce them so they weren't overwhelmed? Most important are they now your moms little angels, regardless of what they do?
Cherie

[kimb2]

My oldest Bio Son had a bottle at bedtime given by me (not put in bed with him) until he was almost 3 yrs old. It was the only time I could get him to sit still for 5 minutes. He also had a "binky" at bedtime only until he was bout 3 1/2. By contrast my youngest was done with all of the above by 13 mos. They grow so fast, you have to do what is right for you and your child. Follow your heart and don't listen to others. You are the expert when it come to your child.

God Bless