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Originally Posted By Linda

My son and I reunited a couple of years ago and have met face-to-face 4 times since then. We have had a very loving relationship so far and I have been so happy to have him/his family in my life. In September, they had a baby, my first grandchild, and I got to hold him a couple of weeks later when I went to visit him. Around that time, communications between us started to slow. I assume it was because of the stress/time constraints from the new baby in their lives. Anyway--one day, in an attempt to convey that I missed them and missed hearing from them, I sent an email that was a little whiney and *****y (I said that I was getting really antsy that I hadn't heard from them in a couple of weeks and wonderred if they still loved me (I also put in right here that I realized that I sounded like his mother or even MY mother (ugh!!)!!). Anyway, I truly thought they would find my email amusing and would respond in kind -- well, I received an attacking kind of email in response -- one which said alot of hurtful things that weren't true. I didn't understand where this was coming from with my daughter-in-law. So I tried to explain myself and inquire as to what was the problem. She kept telling me that I should be walking on eggshells with them and that they didn't owe me anything (I know that!--we don't really owe each other anything!). My feelings were truly hurt. My son tried to smooth things over by sending an email the next evening finally ended up reminding me that that I had always told him that if he ever needed 'space' to digest all that was happening in reunion, to just let me know and I would step back a bit. He told me they just needed some space to get used to the baby and get their schedules worked out. I replied saying that if that was what he wanted, then I would step back and wait for them to regroup and that I would not be going anywhere -- I would be here when he was ready. Although my heart was breaking over this -- I knew that I could not hold on too tight. Since this time, I occasionally get an email joke from his wife, an ecard for Christmas and birthday. MY QUESTION TO ANY REUNITED ADOPTEES IS THIS -- I am getting really antsy to have some contact with him. I really NEED to talk to HIM-- talk about these issues that are bothering him, etc. Should I try to explain myself in a letter/email or just keep waiting, and waiting. (God, I feel like I have been waiting my whole life!!!). Anyway, any input would be appreciated. I have asked several birthmother friends of mine, but I wanted to get some input from adoptees.
Thanks so much

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Originally Posted By Jennifer

Linda,

I am an adoptee who as been in reunion with her bmother for 12 years. There have been many ups and downs over that time but thanks to this board, and the people here, the past 6 months of our reunion have been better than I ever could have imagined. In the beginning of our reunion I listened but didn't really hear what my bmom had to say. I was feeling too angry and hurt and was unwilling to deal with my own emotions. This prohibited us from having the relationship we have now. I tell you all of this because during the 12 years that we have been in reunion I had a daughter of my own. She is now almost 5 years old. I have come to realize that when my daughter was born I became even more angry with my bmom. I was a single mother and couldn't imagine why I could take responsibility for MY actions and raise my child while my bmom had chose to let someone else take care of me. I just became more and more angry without even understanding why. Then through conversations with other birthmothers on this site I've come to understand all the reasons why a mother might make the decision to reliquish her child and that they have nothing to do with not being responsible. Perhaps with the birth of his own child your son is dealing with some new emotions regarding his adoption, emotions he has not yet identified himself or is not yet willing to address. Do send him a note telling him that you miss him and love. Let him know that while you wish to respect his need for "space" you are thinking about him. Then give him the "space" he is asking for. He will be back. I speak from experience. He needs you as much as you need him. I wish you the very best. You will be in my prayers.

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Originally Posted By Linda

Thanks so much, Jennifer. It means so much to hear from another adoptee about what may be going on. I have read so many books and am on a list with a couple hundred other birthmoms, but I still needed to hear it from one who has been there!
Thanks!
Linda

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Originally Posted By Carol Bird, Birthfamily Issues Forum, Ask the Experts group

Dear Linda:
Just hold tight. You have to understand that our kids have their own life to live, and a new baby can be very stressful (especially to a young mother).
Something similar happened between my daughter and a couple of times during the early years of our reunion (We are now in reunion 15 years and I have two wonderful granddaughters).

We had such an upheaval that I dashed into therapy hoping to find relief and understanding.

It went that way for a while. I learned to give Susan plenty of space and much as it hurt, I stopped the weekly calls and started writing letters only once a month. I stopped visiting for a couple of years and we communicated via letters (snail mail).

I concentrated on my granddaughters. One was 4 months old when we reunited and the other was born about 2 years after reunion. As they grew i sent books to them that I read on an audio tape. (They loved that ... Grandma Carol read them a bedtime story.) Books became a popular pasttime for both of them. They would scribble and their mommy would tuck the scribbles into an envelope and send them to me. I have file folders full of their craftsmanship. Then came the drawings and then the letters.

My daughter and son in law CAME TO ME, after a couple of years of no visits from me. (they live in Michigan and I'm in Florida). It was VERY difficult for me to stay away, but I realized that I was suffocating them, and they had so much responsibility ... they really didn't need MORE.

I concentrated on Therapy, and was invited to handle the Birthfamily Issues forum for the older (closed) adoptions here on adopting.org ... then I took on the Birthmom's Monday night chats for adopting.org. I have many, many birthmoms in various stages of reunion coming to me, adoptees too.
I help them and they help me.

We support one another and share experiences. You'd be surprised how many of us have struggled with the same experiences and issues. We learn from one another.

Just step back and relax. Your grandbaby will be growing up and you WILL be sharing your grandchild's life. Just let your son and daughter in law become accustomed to their new role as grandparents ... they'll be around.

Don't dwell on the separation ... just remember what it was like not having them in your life and enjoy KNOWING them. They are in your life for keeps. But it takes time and patience to build a history together. He has ALWAYS been a part of YOUR life, but you haven't necessarily been a part of HIS life. He already HAS a Mom and Dad. He doesn't NEED another mother, but they do need a biological Grandma for their children. What you couldn't (and can't) have with him, you will be able to have with your grandchildren.

Believe me, Linda. I've BEEN THERE ... I've DONE THAT. I have survived and my relationship with my daughter, her husband and children and her A-family have improved tremendously.
I am a PART of her life, and that is what is important.

She is my only child. I never married and never had other children. She is my life and they are all my love.

Please, stop beating yourself up and understand that this is all a part of the recovery process. It moves slowly, but it IS moving. How lucky we are to know our children -- we were told we would never know them.

Let the reunion unfold as it is meant to unfold. Don't push, don't cry, just learn. Do a lot of reading on adoption and reunion ... Check our library http://www.adopting.org/readroom.html for articles on reunion and recovery, and stories of reunions. It helps to read about other birthmom's experiences.

Read the top ten steps to a successful Reunion at http://www.adopting.org/ReunionAdvice.html. Read about the problems Adoptees have growing up. Understand what their issues are.

And, come to our Chats and Vent all you want. The birthmom chat is in the Birthfamily Chat Room and is on Monday nights beginning 8 PM EST .. running to around 11 EST. On Wednesday nights we have a REUNION CHAT that comes from California. It starts at 10 PM EST and is moderated by Sabra...although I'm starting it around 8 EST for people on the East Coast until Sabra comes on at 10 EST. Reunion chat is in the Reunion Chat Room.
We also have a Rejected Reunion Chat that we all pop in on ... That's around 9 PM EST on Friday nights in the Rejected Reunion Chatroom.

To get to the chats just go to http://www.adopting.org/chats.html

Don't fret ... get busy and prepare to be a good Grandma.

Hugs, Carol.
Feel free to write whenever you have a need.

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Sometimes birthmothers assume every problem that happens has to do with adoption issues. What you are describing sounds to me like an IN-LAW issue. Your daughter-in-law, a new mother and probably edgy from hormones and lack of sleep, takes offense at an innocent (though possibly unwise) letter, gets nasty, and your son tries to smooth things over.

Since I don't have other children, when my son found me I became a mother and a mother-in-law at the same time. I spend time reading the in-law boards on other sites just to see what the issues are, and it has been very helpful to me. I kinow have avoided doing some things that I might have done without thinking, that really could have irritated my daughter-in-law.

I am very lucky in my daughter-in-law. She understands that my son and I need time alone together and manages to disappear for awhile whenever I visit. But I also have the "advantage" that she HATES his aparents (for good reason) and I was a big improvement for her.

Hang in there, and maybe even apologize for the "whiny" letter. They were obviously stressed and didn't see the humor. Just let them have some time getting used to being parents. Your son wants to have you in his life and he will.