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Originally Posted By Denise

I contacted my birthmom last Wednesday for the first time. I had my husband call the phone # we got from a search angel without thinking it would be her. So I was in shock when she admitted it was her. I can barely remember the conversation. I know I sounded emotionally removed.I was dumbstruck. She sounded polite but also emotionally removed.Like I was a bike she gave away. She told me I have 3 brothers and information like that, but no explanation, no "I was hoping you would find me!" Everyone says I'm reading too much into the conversation, give her time, you blew her away with your finding her.At least she admitted it was her. She could have denied it. She did say she would send me pictures.I sent her pictures of my family that day and a letter with what I wanted to say but couldn't remember. I also gave her my address and phone number. I have been an emotional wreck since I called. Making up scenarios. I don't think she'll send pictures or contact me. I think I am a bad memory she would rather forget. I found her in 3 months. I don't think I thought this through and now it's too late. I feel rejected again. To make matters worse, my adopted brother found his birth mom the same day and had a "fairy-tale" reunion on the phone that lasted 2 hours. My conversation lasted 10 minutes, if that. He already has been invited to visit her. I feel like such a loser.I didn't expect her to be my mom now, just act a little interested. I guess I'll just wait, what else can I do.I'm 32 years old, but sometimes I feel like I'm a child since I've made contact.

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Originally Posted By Carol Bird, Birthfamily Issues Forum for older adoptions

Congratulations on your coming Reunion, Denise.
Today is Tuesday, Jan 30. If I have it right, it will be SEVEN days tomorrow since you first made contact with your birthmom on the telephone.
You admit to thinking you probably sounded "dumbstruck" and "emotionally removed" and that SHE also sounded "emotionally removed." Well, honey, take note: BOTH OF YOU WERE IN SHOCK. You've searched all of three weeks and BINGO there she is. She has probably mourned your loss for 32 years (probably half of her own life) and, like me, she probably had given up on your EVER contacting her at least five or six years ago.

There's another thing to consider. Adoptees and Birthmoms alike live in fear of rejection. Neither wants to "impose" on the other's life. We reach out to reunion with fear of that rejection. Most birthmoms feel helpless and "unworthy." God, I walked on eggs for the first five years of my reunion with my daughter ... expecting any minute for her to tell me she wants "out" of the relationship. After all, I gave her up! "What kind of mother gives her own child away?" "How could my child EVER love me?"

I never married and never had other children for fear that if she ever found me, she would feel discarded because I had and kept the other children. (Nothing was farther from her mind ... she actually HOPED for birthsiblings.)

You spoke to your Birthmom for just a few minutes. You exchanged information and she said she'd send pictures. SHE WILL. She is probably STILL sorting them out ... stopping every now and then for a good cry as the memories flash by and the pain of separation and what led up to it is relived. She has probably started and discarded her letter to you a dozen times.

You could NEVER be a "bad memory" Denise. No normal woman can carry a baby under her heart for nine whole months without loving that child desperately. Giving up a child isn't something you decide lightly, and it is something that haunts you forever. TRUST ME, I know! I've worked with hundreds of birthmoms and adoptees over the years I've had my Forum and Chatroom on the adopting.org website. I have actually PARTICIPATED (albeit long distance) in Reunions, cheering the "players" on with words of support and love. Even in cases of RAPE, the birthmother is usually more than receptive to her child.

The child -- YOU --- is the innocent. In 9 3/4 cases out of 10, the decision to go the adoption route was made out of unselfish love and desperation, NOT rejection.

So, sit back. Take a couple of deep breaths, and call up all of your reserves of PATIENCE. Wait for her to make contact now. Understand that she is nervous. She isn't sure why you contacted her and doesn't want to get her hopes built up, in the event that you just want to see her and get answers, and THAT'S THAT. Her first few letters will probably be apologetic. We ARE sorry for having given you up. We have lived with the pain all of your life. We need your forgiveness and understanding. We need you in our lives ... even just as a friend. But we don't want to impose on you or barge into your life.

It took me years to understand my place in my daughter's life. I HAVE a place now. I'm not "Mom," but I'm "Carol, my Birthmother." I'm GRANDMA to my two granddaughters and friend to my daughter's parents and family. I'm a part of her life, and we're STILL working on our "history" together.

You will have that chance ... and you will have sibling brothers, and you will have love.

Just hang in there and be patient. Do a lot of reading and preparing. I recommend that you print out the TOP TEN STEPS TO A SUCCESSFUL REUNION from http://www.adopting.org/ReunionAdvice.html and commit it to memory. It is a wonderful guidelines. Also read REUNION ISSUES by Dr. Marlou Russell (a psychologist/family therapist who is a reunited adoptee) http://www.adopting.org/MRReunionIssues.html and A BIRTHMOTHER'S GRIEF by Brenda Romanchik, http://www.adopting.org/birthmother_grief.html (that is an underline between birthmother and grief).

There are many other helpful articles in our Library Reading Room at http://www.adopting.org/readroom.html and there is also a great book review section. I also recommend that you read A PRIMAL WOUND, Nancy Verrier, if you haven't already read it.

Please feel free to write to me and keep me informed on your progress. I'm here for you if you have a need to "vent."
I also suggest that you read some of the posts in Marlou's ADOPTEE ISSUES FORUM in our experts group at http://www.adopting.org/supports.html (her's is the last forum on the list).

Good luck, honey. (By the way, my daughter was 32 when she first contacted me, too. That was 15 wonderful years ago.

Love n'hugs, Carol
Birthfamily Issues Forum for the older traditional closed adoptions, http://www.adopting.org/supports.html

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Denise

Well It's been a month. I have had contact initiated by my bmom. I think it just takes time for both sides to figure out their feelings. My advice to anyone in reunion is take it slowly. Don't try to guess what the other is feeling. Give the reunion a chance. We are slowly getting to know each other.She has written me and sent me pictures of my half brothers and her family. She just told my brothers of my existence last weekend. What a shock for them I am sure.Her husband has always known about me.Turns out they had registered a few times in the past in the hopes of finding me. I have found I feel more comfortable with writing my bmom than phone contact. In the future this may change. But it works for me now. I still don't know what I want from this contact. But I have learned more about myself and why I act the way I do. I think all adopted people feel some sort of rejection no matter how loved you were by your adopted parents. Somewhere in our psyche we feel rejected, and I am not sure that will go away.But the more I find out about my bmom's experience,the less it hurts. Sometimes. Anyway, Good Luck to ALL of my fellow adoptees. We all have that bond that other people can't grasp. Kinda makes us family in a way. Denise