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I am pretty angry right now with my bmom. I made contact with her (through a mediator) last year twice. She made it very clear that she didn't want anything to do with me. She told the mediator that she never thought about me once since the day she walked out of the hospital (ouch!). Wanting to give her time, I did nothing for about 6 months. In the meantime, I made contact with my bgrandmother (bmom is not aware of this). She & I have had sevral phone conversations, generally pretty friendly. But most of the effort for any type of contact has been made on my part (which hurts a little). My grandmother does not feel comfortable talking with my bmom about me -- she feels that my bmom needs more time. But neither of us seem real convienced that she will come around. My bmom's husband is (and always has been) aware of me and that I've made contact with both bmom and bgrandmother. He has seen pictures of me that I've sent to my grandmother. He has advised my grandmother not to bring "me" up with my bmom -- he says that my bmom would rather forget all about me. Lately, I've become quite angry that my bmom has not contact me directly (either by letter or otherwise). I've also started feeling jealousy and anger towards her because she had another daughter a year after giving birth to me -- a daughter who believes she is an only child. I want to know my birthfamily (especially these three key women who are a part of me), I want to know about my family history and medical history. I am angry that, at this point, my bmom is once again denying me this right. I am having a hard time understanding how she can be so cold and hateful. I'd appreciate any feedback from others who have experienced these feelings and any advise. Thanks for letting me vent!

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Originally Posted By Carol Bird, Birthfamily Issues Forum (older adpt) Experts Gr

I don't know what your birthmother is thinking, but whatever it is, it is WRONG. You had nothing to do with her getting pregnant and having a baby. To simply discard her own flesh and blood without explanation or even contact is wrong. I don't care how she felt about the impregnator (bdad) or what the circumstances of the conception were --- her disregard is despicable. You deserve an explanation and SOME consideration.

She's doing a wrong to her raised daughter, too, in keeping siblings apart ... making their choices FOR them.

You may be better off NOT having a relationship with this woman. It may not be healthy for either of you, but I do hope that one day you and your half-sister can meet, and perhaps get to know one another.

I'm so sorry; I wish I could be of more help. Why not drop in on the Rejected Reunion Chat here at http://www.adopting.org/chat.html. It is on every Friday night from around 9:00 / 9:30 PM EST in the Rejected Chatroom.
On Monday nights at 7:30 PM EST there is an ADOPTEE Chat moderated by Karen DeLuca. You might find talking to other adoptees helpful. You'll find them in the Adoptee Chatroom.

Please hang in there ... you don't give your age, and maybe the time just isn't right ... I do hope she wakes up.
Hugs, Carol Bird,
Birthmom in reunion with dtr 15 years.

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Carol,
Thanks for your message. I'm 37 years old and was adopted at birth (by a wonderful family; I did have a happy childhood). Bmom (Barbara) was only 16 at time of my birth. Not long after I started searching, my received a call from a search angel (Linda). Linda and her mom happended to know my bgrandmother (Helen). Linda went to the same highschool as Barbara, but didn't really know here as she was a few years younger than Barbara. Anyways, long story short... Linda contacted Barbara about me. Barbara was very cool (cold) and very professional (almost clinical). She made it very clear that she didn't want anything to do with me. They hung up after about 10 minutes. After no response for several months, Linda contacted her again. Barbara at least let Linda talk (for about another 10 minutes) -- Linda told her a little about me, asked about my bfather (Barbara gave his name, but nothing else) and asked some medical questions. Again, the message came across loud & clear that she wanted nothing to do with me. At this point, I decided to connect with Helen. After the initial shock (she was pretty standoffish at first), she started warming up. We talk every couple of weeks and have exchanged a few emails. She has made only one attempt to reach out to me (without me contacting her first). She is in her 80's but in good health. I live within 2 1/2 hours from my bmom, bgrandma & half-sister. Helen and I have expressed to each other that, one day soon when we are better prepared emotionally, we would like to meet in person. But she is VERY worrked about Barbara, and how Barbara might react should she find out (which I'm sure she will). I get the impression that they have not always had a real good relationship. Barabara & her husband are quite wealthy -- I suspect that Helen is afraid that should they get angry with her over this, they may "cut the $$ string", so to speak. All her life she had to worry about money, and I think she truely is afraid of what might happen to her if Barbara isn't always there to help her. I've expressed to Barbara (through Linda) and to Helen that I DON'T want, nor do I think it's my right, to any of this $$ (people are sometimes very funny about wealth and $$ -- it doesn't make any difference to me if they were poor or rich but apparently it does to them). On mother's day, I sent a letter and card to Barbara. To date, it hasn't been returned or acknowledged. In every contact, my address, phone, email etc. is clearly communicated. She knows how to reach me. I'm angry that she has chosen not to. But I'm also not ready to give up (I suppose the stubborn gene was passed onto me... this could be a Mexican stand-off.. ha!). I'm also angry because Helen has told me recently that Barbara is selling her house and moving (I don't know to where). Helen has promised me that she will see that I know how to reach Barbara and that she won't let me loose contact. But I'm truely very scared about the possibility. Even though my mind tells me to walk away, my heart won't let me. It's almost a challenge to me that this person (this women who held me for 9 months, this women who is part of me in flesh and blood, this women whom I look so much like) doesn't want me. There has got to be more to this. I can't let go of it. In addition, there is the matter of my sister. I've seen a picture of her and we truely are sisters -- there is no doubt. I also have two small nephews (whom I long to touch and love). I have two nieces (they live in the same town as my nephews) who are just a few years older, and whom I adore. I don't have children of my own (not by choice), but have two step-children. I love kids and long to know these little boys. But I believe that timing is important. I also believe in my heart that I should give Barbara more time; I want to respect her needs (unless she is truely a cold-blooded women with no emotions and therefore, has no needs). But I also want to know my bfamily. How long do you think I should wait before I try to make contact with Barbara again? How long should I wait to contact my sister? Should I forwarn Barbara (ie: give her a deadline before contacting my sister) that I intend to pursue this further? Do you think she will consider it a threat and take legal action to prevent me?

Carol, thank you for talling me about the Chatroom times. Since I'm on the Westcoat (and on PST), it may be difficult for me to join in, but I'm going to try. Thanks for inviting me.

Again, I enourage your comments & advice. Thank you for being there.

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Originally Posted By Sharon

I know exactly how your feeling. I hired a mediator through the agency where I was adopted. She contacted my birthmother. She wanted nothing to do with me. She was terrified that her husband and son would find out. She was 16 when she had me. She grew up with my birthfather and her husband. She had nothing good to say about my birthfather who she never told about the pregancy. She threatend to sue me and the agency if I bothered her again. She threatend to commit suicide and to move out of the state because whe feared I would find her. All I wanted was to know her and have some background information that she wouldn't even give. I feel very hurt and rejected and will live with this for the rest of my life, but I also realize that she is someone I probably wouldn't want to know. I made contact with my birthfather, who has welcomed me in his life. He has never said anything bad about my birthmother and has given me some information about her. This is comforting. Good Luck. I hope you can find peace with this.