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I was reunited with one of my children in august 2000 he was leaving for the service and promised to call and write,time passed and no word,it really worried me ,in octi found service sent him home due to some medical problems not known about he still did not contact me.i got a call from my sister and it was basically he hated me and never wanted any more contact with me,this bothered me because he seemed to really except me.i am getting married in dec.2000 and would love for him to be there but he says he hates me.I guess i just tryed so hard and have failed him again by not being the mother he wanted.i just pray he wont hate me forever.

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Originally Posted By Carol, Birthfamily Issues Forum, adopting.org/supports.html

Dear J.G.
Please don't lay blame on yourself and understand that your son is letting loose pent-up anger that he has probably harbored for a long time. Reunion is a highly emotional time. We all act out our feelings without giving much thought to what we are doing and saying.

Many Adoptees harbor anger. To be rejected is distressing enough in the first place. They live those early years of their lives wondering WHY, and no matter how good and loving the A parents may be, the fact that we gave them up in the first place sometimes eats away at them. They HAVE to vent. Like a pressure cooker, they've got to release steam or they will blow up. Do you know what his health problem is? Is it something that is hereditary? It sounds to me like he is blaming you for whatever it is.

If that isn't it, you have to look deeper. Have you ever read Nancy Newton Verrier's THE PRIMAL WOUND (understanding the adopted child). If not I think you should; If you have already read it, read it again (and again and again). It is important that you understand the issues the Adoptee must deal with throughout his/her growing up years. Verrier opens a lot of doors to understanding.

Also, there are a couple of articles in our library at http://www.adopting.org/readroom.html that you should read before you attempt to make any contact with him.
IDENTITY CRISIS YEARS (the young adoptee), http://www.adopting.org/Identity.html
ISSUES FACING ADULT ADOPTEES, http://www.adopting.org/adltcope.html
COMMON CLINICAL ISSUES / ADOPTEES, http://www.adopting.org/commonis.html
IDENTITY ISSUES, http://195.7.48.75/release/new/bosto...t15/p19s1m.htm

They will give you a bit of insight.

There is so much pain and guilt in those of us who have been adopted or who have given up a child to adoption. Verrier says that we sometimes sabotage anything good that is happening to us during reunion. and that sometimes reunions engender emotions in us that make it difficult to overcome the tendency to REACT, rather than RESPOND ..." Sounds to me that is what your son is doing. After he has time to think, maybe he'll come around; right now he needs someone to blame for his problems, and YOU are an easy target.

Hit the books and articles and try to understand the psyche of the unhappy Adoptee, then see if there is some way you can communicate with him and offer him the understanding and comfort he seems to need.

Please drop a note to Dr. Marlou Russell who hosts our ADOPTEE ISSUES FORUM in the Ask The Experts group. Marlou is a reunited Adoptee who is a psychologist/family therapist. She has a deep understanding of the Adopted child, and can probably give you more insight into your son's behavior.

Please keep in contact with me. We are hoping to start up a Rejected Reunion Chat Room so that others having experiences similar to your's can exchange ideas, experiences and support. We'll be announcing it shortly in our weekly newsletter. I'm e-mailing you a copy of this weeks edition. Subscriptions are free, you can sign up at http://www.adopting.org/ar.html by providing your e mail address. It is sent to your E-mailbox every Monday.

Please read the book and the articles I suggested and keep me posted. I'm here to try to help, and I'm hoping others will come on and offer suggestions, too.

Hang in there. Hugs, Carol