[LasVegasMom]

I am so mad right now and I just need to get it out. My son and I have had a very rocky but apparently typical reunion. We have been in reunion for a little under 2 years now. After he ceased all contact with me last October, we started taking baby steps again in March. We talked and talked on the phone, I was really honest with him about how he had hurt me, he apologized for the things he did (he is an addict, which obviously complicates things). We made promises to each other to never let anything come between us again, to make our relationship strong so it can withstand anything. We worked on our relationship before i started talking to his amom or he started talking to his brother and sister and my husband. We were very honest with each other, or so I thought. Well out of the blue he stopped calling me last week. We talk every day, it has been a little over a week now with absolutely no contact. Our last talk was a normal one, talking about our days-my work was a mess and I was talking to him about that-it was like a totally normal conversation. So I emailed his amom just to make sure he wasn't dead or something. I left him multiple messages with no response. His amom told me he was in detox for 4 days, but has been out for 4 days now and he "will call you he says he just needs to figure things out". The last time I was told this he cut off all contact with me for months. He has now disconnected his phone. I'm just curious what in the hell does he need to figure out? I have taken his abusive behavior, his threats, his lies, and never ever have I "cut him off" or treated him with anything other than love. I thought this time would be different, I was 100% honest with him-no drugs, treat me with respect, I am trying to be a good mom to you. He even told me he saw the change in me, that I was being a good mom and that I was the one he called when he needed to talk. He is in an abusive relationship (he is the abuser) and now according to his amom, they are back together. This woman is horrible, he is horrible to her and the two of them together is a terrible mix. I believe that he told me such a mixture of lies that he is trying to come up with some kind of game plan to cover his tracks. Doesn't he realize this is not a game? That I am a person who is trying to live her life the best way she can? Doesn't he realize there are birthmoms who deny their children the opportunity to know them? I have opened up my heart, my home, my very being to him because HE IS MY SON. But he only treats me as his mom when it is convenient for him. My other children would never do this, they would never change their phone number and not tell me. I feel so defeated. I know he will call me sometime but why does this have to be so hard? Is he punishing me for relinquishing him? He has told me that his brother and sister are so normal, so good, he says he wishes he wasn't so f-d up. But he is 28 YEARS OLD, he needs to grow up. I'm sorry, I'm just ranting but doesn't he know I have feelings too? This is not a game, this is my life. I love him beyond words but sometimes I just think it would have been easier if he never found me...

[DianeS]

I am so sorry for the amount of pain you are in.

Unfortunately, your birth son is an addict. That means that things that are known and acknowledged by healthy people are not going to be known or acknowledged by him.

Addicts have a whole other world view. Nothing matters to them as much as their next fix of whatever their drug of choice is.

His actions aren't about you and what you deserve, because OF COURSE you deserve to be treated well. This is between him and his addiction, and he only has a slice of his attention to give to others, and he only has that at certain times in his addiction cycle.

If he would get himself into a good, voluntary 12-step type of program (not detox, a real long term program), then he might be able to develop the skills and abilities to have a good relationship with you. But without that, he's stuck. Your comment about him needing to grow up is a good one, because he's probably stuck at the stage where he first began his addictive behaviors. But healing the addiction has to happen before he'll have that ability to grow up that he so desperately needs.

So no, he doesn't realize this isn't a game. It IS a game to an addict - to see how often he can get his fix, to see how well he can cover his tracks. No, he doesn't realize that you have feelings that are being hurt, or if he does realize that, in the heat of wanting his next fix your feelings become so unimportant to him that it's the same thing as thinking you don't have any. No, he's not punishing you for relinquishing him, he's actually incapable of having any healthy relationship with anybody, no matter what they did in the past, and at various times you'll find that he treats everyone in his life the same way he treats you, so it's not about the relinquishment.

It's horrible to be in as much pain as his actions cause for you. And having all those questions about him and his behavior that can't be answered can only be making it worse.

I hope you'll consider joining a group like Al-Anon. It's for family members and friends of alcoholics. There are similar groups for family and friends of those who are addicted to drugs or other addictive behaviors. But Al Anon will accept any family or friends of any addict, the problems are all so similar to each other. In a group like that you will find support for the heartache you are going through, as well as specific ways to cope with the abuses he throws at you while in his addiction cycle.

Hang in there, and {{HUGS}} to you as you deal with this.

[RavenSong]

LVM, I'm echoing Diane's advise. I know I've told you this several times in the past -- you really should attend some Al-Anon meetings.

If your son just went thru detox, I imagine he's not exactly thrilled with the idea of telling you that he had yet another relapse. It embarrasses him...

Be careful that you don't engage in a codependent relationship with him. When you look behind the addictions and/or alcoholism, you'll often find codependency issues.

I wouldn't push him for daily contact, not right now. It's going to be extremely difficult for him to just make it thru 24 hours without a drink or a drug. Hopefully, he'll be busy attending daily AA and/or NA meetings.

Hang in there. Loving an addict/alcoholic is really frustrating...it requires a LOT of patience.

[LasVegasMom]

Well I also think AlAnon would help me but for my husband and 2 other kids, it would just be me once again taking up my time trying to understand my relationship with my son. I feel kind of stuck, like I was when I gave him up-"get over it, get on with things" I'm older but not too much wiser! This hurts alot and unfortunately I'm really good at burying my feelings which I know is not healthy so I'm trying to deal with this as best as I can. I keep thinking of the psychological exam he just had for some court issues he is going thru and he told me the psychiatrist told him he had no empathy-just like a sociopath. That, to me, is very scary. He has shown me his caring side but I just wonder if that was an act as well. I can't wrap myself around the fact that he is so so so different from my other 2 children. However, I would do anything for him, as I would for my other 2 children. I love him but it is so complicated sometimes I just feel like this will undo me, and I'm not very patient, which doesn't help...

[SuddenlySusan]

(((LVM)))

Although I haven't participated in Al-Anon, my understanding from friends, who have been and/or are still active in Al-Anon, is that most people in general can benefit from participating. Meaning that not only would it be beneficial for you, and beneficial for your husband and two other children, but that the general public could benefit. After all, most of us live with or are friends with or work for/with people who suffer from the effects of addiction.

I read somewhere that for every adoption that takes place, 12 people are affected. There is a ripple effect, and the ripple effects from addiction are huge...like an ocean.

Your husband could participate in Al-Anon with you, and perhaps not feel so separated from you and from the addiction issues of your son. I don't know the ages of your children, but I've also heard that there is a program for teens as well.

Addictions aside, I think many of us could benefit from the guidance given in "The Big Book" (although I admit to having a bit of difficulty with the god/higher power piece of it). Other than that, it's basically just good advice for living a life worth living, if that makes sense.

I'm sorry for your pain, and hope that you are able to find peace...

Best wishes,
Susan

[1982benji]

had a similar experience with my son..last weekend..

went to alanon....meeting .

answer for me..

helps me greatly in seeing the true picture if that makes sense ....

best wishes..

[Jillalan]

LV Mom

I'm probably repeating what others have said - but in my humble opinion - give him space. I know it's worrying but I'm sure he will contact you - and yes since he's relapsed he will be embarrassed and ashamed.

My first born was an alcoholic, complicated further by we lived in different countries. There would be weeks when I wouldn't hear from him. I made countless calls to find out where he was - scared out of my wits.

Eventually I would find him and even though I'd say please don't just vanish and not tell me what's going on - the next time it would be the same thing.

This is what it's like with an addict. All I can say is you either accept him the way he is, or you give up. I never gave up - I was there every step of the way, whether he wanted me to be or not.

I attended al-anon. You have no power over his addictions, you have no power over what he does or doesn't do. All you can do is be supportive. Yelling and being angry doesn't help - walking away - in my eyes, is just showing him that he isn't worth the effort.

My son was killed, while drunk, walking along the side of the road. I will forever wonder if there was something more I could have done (there wasn't), I will forever wish that I had done this or that differently (I couldn't).

Yes you have feelings, but this is NOT about YOU. This is HIS demon - attempt to make contact with him, but don't be angry with him. He can not help himself. Unless he is ready to change, there is nothing you or anyone else can do.

I am forever grateful for having the chance to know my son - only six years out of 41. I'd gladly trade places with you and deal with his behavior due to his addictions than only have photographs and memories to live with.

Again this is my humble opinion.

[Janeytwo]

Hey LVM,

I also think AlAnon would help me but for my husband and 2 other kids, it would just be me once again taking up my time trying to understand my relationship with my son.

I hope this post will not sound harsh, it's not meant that way.


AlAnon is not about trying to understand the addict.

AlAnon is about trying to understand how the disease of addiction has affected us.

It teaches people to separate the addict from their illness.

This is invaluable in learning how to truly live at peace with ourselves, no matter whether the addict is recovering or not because, quite frankly, whether the addict is our child, our parent, our husband....whomever.....? They must overcome their addiction to alcohol/drugs themselves. We cannot do it for them. If we are so caught up in the hell that addiction (not the addict) brings into our lives, we are of no use to anyone; most especially ourselves.

However, if we can learn the mechanics of addiction, how it wends itself into our daily lives and controls us, we can get that much closer to being healthy so that when/if the addict recovers, we will know how to support them in a way that will aid them in remaining clean and sober.

There is an old saying, "The road to hell is paved with good intention."

When we continue to obsess on an addict's behavior or try to rescue them from the consequences of their drinking/drugging? All we are doing - even though we don't mean to - is to kill them with kindness.

A wise old woman once told me that my ex-husband's drinking was none of my business. She was right. I was so caught up in trying to keep him from the booze that I was slowly losing my mind, losing all sense of purpose.

If there is anything that addiction wants, it is that. It wants people to be lost from themselves, their loved ones and their God.

And it doesn't just want the alcoholic to be lost. It wants us to be lost as well.

You have a hard decision to make here, LVM and believe me, I appreciate how hard it is. You can either keep going the way you have been which isn't working and is also turning your life into a heart-breaking mess, or you can get an education about what it is you're truly dealing with here.

A disease that has an addict and his family, including you, in it's grips. Don't get down on yourself about that. Addiction has been around for thousands of years. It's got some time on us. It's had a few centuries to perfect it's agenda.

If you're not comfortable with AlAnon, then I would strongly urge you to see a counselor who deals with addiction (preferably an ex addict if possible). I would also urge you to read everything you can on addiction. Do as much research as possible.

Knowledge is power when dealing with this disease.


There are some things to try and remember - and they're not easy.

#1. Your son is not choosing to be an addict. He is ill. This might help ease your mind when trying to understand what's wrong with him. In a way, being angry at him for being an addict is like being angry at someone for being a Type 1 diabetic. Though it might sound odd, he truly cannot help his addiction. Perhaps that might help a bit knowing that.

As an alcoholic once told me when I asked him why he drank, "I drank because the sun came up in the morning. Any excuse would do. I was an active alcoholic."

#2. The 3 C's. Addiction is a disease. We did not cause it, we cannot control it and we cannot cure it.

What we can do is learn all we can, recover ourselves from what addiction has done to us and embrace a new way of thinking.

#3. It is generally believed that an addict has an 80% higher chance of recovering if a family member is in some kind of Program or therapy to deal with the addiction. I am not entirely sure on those numbers. That is what AA taught but you could research that if you like. I would bet respected clinics like Mayo or Cleveland would have vast amounts of knowledge on the subject. Also you could try The Henry Ford Health System. They have a groundbreaking program for addiction.

Again, I'm not saying you are in any way responsible for your son's illness. It's just that in helping yourself, you will be far better able to understand and support him. Plus, your life will be easier to manage.


Please....if nothing else....go to AlAnon and pick up some literature. Or call and have some shipped to you from your local AlAnon office. They are not a religion. They will not hound you or try to sell you a bill of goods.

They are the sister program to AA and they have been in the trenches with addiction for a very long time now.

They can help.

Or go to a health professional and talk to them; even if it's your doctor. They will have literature and advice.

We do have a choice in the face of addiction. We can choose to let it continue to destroy us or we can take a stand for our own sanity and peace of mind.

Wishing you, your son and your family freedom from the terrible grips of this devastating disease.

[LasVegasMom]

I think the Alanon thing is a good alternative for me. I just don't know how to handle this. My life has become a mess in the almost 2 years of our reunion. I have lost 2 jobs, am out of work, and barely hanging on now. I was in therapy, and it really helped but now I can't even afford that! I thought I was doing the right things by him but now I just feel used, like he ignores me when his life is going well, and he is sober, and then runs to me when things are in upheaval and he needs a 'lifeline'. I have been used by him, and I've allowed him to use me, and I guess that is what hurts so much-that he won't share all of his life with me, the REAL person he is when he isn't drinking or doing drugs, he only shares himself when he is drinking and drugging. I just don't get it and the last time this happened I completely fell apart. This time, I'm acting like it doesn't bother me when it is absolutely killing me inside. Even writing this, I see that I need some help to deal with this, so I am going to take all you wonderful women's great advice and go get some help....Thanks..

[SuddenlySusan]

(((LVM))) ....glad to hear that you're going to get some help...I wish you the best...

Susan
xoxox

[Janeytwo]

Hey LVM!! Big hugs to you today!!

I thought I was doing the right things by him but now I just feel used, like he ignores me when his life is going well, and he is sober, and then runs to me when things are in upheaval and he needs a 'lifeline'.

Wanted to send compassionate comments your way re. this paragraph. Something that few people understand about addiction. It isn't so much the addiction itself,though of course that's bad enough.

It's the behavior behind the disease that is so harrowing for the family & friends of addicts.

One thing that AA teaches; a person isn't sober simply because they've quit boozing or drugging. They're only considered "clean and sober" when their attitudes change. When they become grateful for the gifts sobriety has brought them. When they have admitted they are addicts. When they have made amends to themselves and others they've harmed through their actions under the influence of drugs or alcohol. When they have accepted that addiction is a disease that they've suffered from.

A person who is using you and running to you for rescue? They may be many things, LVM - but they are definately NOT sober.

((( LVM )))

AlAnon can help you to understand this better and to negotiate your way through the disease of addiction without losing sight of yourself or your compassion and love for your son.

There is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel. I promise you that much. I promise.

I just don't get it and the last time this happened I completely fell apart. This time, I'm acting like it doesn't bother me when it is absolutely killing me inside.

That's all right my friend. That's perfectly okay. "Fake it till you make it" has saved more souls than I care to count - including my own.

Don't think you are unique or alone in how desparate you have felt; in the way that you have struggled, questioning your sanity and your strength. Many have walked this path before you and will be there to take your hand and travel along beside you with respect for your troubles and your desire to return from the terrible place addiction sends us all to.

This feeling of despair, of feeling the fool? That's just one more way the disease of addiction shackles us to it. By coaxing us into believing that because we haven't been able to make sense of the insane, that we are flawed and less than human.

Not so, LVM. We are simply people caught in the midst of a devastating disease that neither we - nor those we love - asked to fall victim to.

Hang in there sweetie! Many people have been where you're at now and have returned from that hell.

I am one and I am here to testify with every cell of my body that there is hope and that you can find yourself again and that you can look in the mirror and like what you see.

Addiction is a long and desolate winter but it doesn't have to be an eternal one.



Much peace your way today!

[megsmile31]

I've read through this post, and I am both an adoptee - reunited years ago, and a birth mom, reunited a little more than a year ago. I had just turned 17 when I placed my daughter for adoption. It was a closed adoption. I grieved the loss of my first child, and went on to marry, have two children, divorce and am today happily married and my husband has adopted my two children. To give this some context, my son is 19 and in the military and my daughter is 17, soon to be a senior in high school. Also note that my adoptive father molested and abused me during my childhood. Adoption has touched my life in many many ways, both good and bad.

Last week, my birth daughter (who found me through this website over a year ago) decided that she did not want to see me anymore, and here is the letter I am thinking about sending to her. I have not done so yet, but thought I would share it with you and ask if any of what I am feeling is normal and what you guys thinks about her behavior. Get ready for a good long read, as it is quite lengthy. I'd also appreciate any feedback on whether or not it is appropriate for me to send. Not sure what to do, but I feel like I need some sort of closure.


_________________________________

I have read your e-mail and taken some time to really consider whether or not to respond, and if so, how. Ultimately, I decided to give you the raw honest truth. I am simply very hurt, which I am assuming was your intention, by the tone and structure of your email and all of the things that were said on my front lawn. I need you to know that I sat in the bedroom with my husband in disbelief as I listened to what you were saying. He didn’t know what to do or say and was afraid that the neighbors were going to call the station. When you were knocking on the door, yelling for your cigarettes, I couldn’t have answered. I would have cried, so I honestly thought it was best for me to stay in the bedroom. I asked my husband to go and give you the cigarettes and he got up to get his clothes on and give them to you, but by the time he got to the door, you were gone.

When you first contacted me, my life was turned entirely upside down. I never imagined the emotions and feelings that finally meeting you would bring to the surface, and at times it was both joyful and painful. I didn’t realize this would happen, but many old wounds were opened. I believed that I needed to allow myself to feel all of it, because I strongly felt that it was your right to know me, and if it hurt me, I needed to suck that up so that you could have the information and closure that I owed to you. I was also insanely, selfishly curious and felt that I could finally find closure too. I tried my best to not lay my pain on your doorstep, and most of it was suffered quietly and only shared with my husband. I know on perhaps 2 occasions, I cried in front of you, and for that, I am truly sorry. I really tried not to. I did all that I could to make you feel welcome into my life, introducing you to the people who mean the most to me.

Since we met, I have privately struggled with what our relationship should be and how it can fit into my life and where I fit into yours. I’ve never known where the boundaries are and what was ok or not ok. I’ve also never felt comfortable enough to say that to you, because I was afraid that it would hurt you and you may misunderstand my struggle and feel somehow rejected, which was the last thing I wanted. You’ll recall the one time that I did let you know what was important to me setting a boundary involving my daughter. You were so angry and thought I was being a complete jerk. In reality, I was torn and couldn’t stand watching her feel hurt and left out, but in order to do anything about it, I had no choice but to offend you. Sucky position to be in. From that point on, I tried to just go with the flow and let you call the shots. I wish there was a societal definition of what this type of relationship should be like. For instance, we all know what a mom is, what a dad is, what a brother is, a sister and so forth. Where is the rule book for a birth mom or an adoptee? It all seems so very complicated to me and flawed with a vast amount of potential pitfalls, huge problems and misunderstandings.

My life is very full of many things. Sometimes, I think it is too full and find myself feeling overwhelmed and generally exhausted. I know this is of my own doing, but I also know the things I need to do for me to bring sanity and balance into my world. Sometimes I still struggle with the balance part, but I have gotten better at it the older I get. What I have not been good at is letting you know when it is too much. Again, that awkward, crappy feeling that I am d*m*ed if I do and d*m*ed if I don’t. I actually shared this briefly with your mom, when we met. She told me that I shouldn’t be afraid to set boundaries. In the next breath, however, she told me that she and your Dad try to give you gentle guidance and advice, but feel it is seldom accepted. She told me that she privately hoped I would be able to give you advice and that you might accept it from me. Ironically, nothing could be harder or more awkward than that expectation, but I know she didn’t mean it to be. She just loves you and worries about you.

This weekend, I tried to let you know how I was feeling. It isn’t that I don’t care about you or your daughter, but I really need my veg time, which I was willing to share with you. I was frustrated that the baby was so all over the place in my home with everything. I really did not want to tell you how to be a Mom, or what you should or shouldn’t do, however, I needed you to respect my things and my home and to teach your daughter to do the same. I was not trying to hurt you or demean you or treat you like a child, I was attempting to set a boundary and ask you to honor it. I tried a number of times throughout the day to let you know, but I wasn’t successful at communicating it to you in a way that was non-offensive and that you could connect with. When you reacted the way you did because I suggested that using time outs, instead of threatening them, and told your daughter that I was a b*t*h, I wasn’t upset that you chose to swear around your daughter, I was upset that you chose to say something like that about me to her. It hurt. I felt in reaction to my drawing that line and letting you know there was a boundary, you lashed out, using your daughter to hurt me and it stung.

I have truly tried the best I knew how to make myself an open book to you and with that came many risks. Risks that if you knew about the situation with my father, you would think less of me or think I was a nut case. Risks that if you saw the “real me” with all the good and all the bad, you may not like me. Risks that involving you in my life would hurt my son and daughter, and make them somehow feel betrayed or less important. I decided to take on all those risks, and therefore I knew the possibility was always there to be hurt. In your email, you describe all of the things you dislike about me very eloquently. That really stung, but what hurt more is the realization that you knew it would. I have shared with you on many occasions how important it was to me that if you ever found me you would find someone you could be proud of. I think you deliberately went to great pains to ensure I fully understood your disappointment. I’m not sure why you would want to do that to someone, but I accept it for what it is. Very mean and very intentional.

When I heard you yelling things about my children and things about my experience with my father making me the kind of Mom I am, I felt like throwing up. That hurt more than anything else, because of the risk I took in trusting you with that information. I never in a million years thought you would use that to say something so mean spirited, no matter what. None of my friends that I have trusted with that information have ever used it in that manner, no matter how angry they have been.

Am I perfect? Hell no. Have I been the model parent? No no no. There are no perfect people in this world nor perfect parents and I think we all do the best we can with the cards we are dealt. You are right to say that I was dealt some pretty crappy cards. However, what you miss is that I have done the best I know how to be a better person, despite all of it. And you are right to point out that I will continue to grow. We all will, every day that we are above ground. I now know that I will never be able to live up to the expectations of who you think I should be, and I can’t apologize for that – I am who I am. I also realize that I am much different than your mom and dad, however, I love my children. Even if I yell or I slap them, I still love them, and I am trying to teach them how to be better people. I want only the best for them and they know this. It is far from abuse, and what I see as normal discipline. With respect to your feeling like I have treated you like a child, it is important to point out that I have never yelled at you for anything, and I never would, because you are not my child, you are my friend, and you will be 23 this month, and I will be 40. There are 17 additional years of experiences that cause me to see things differently than I did at 23. I hope you will never experience some of them, and others you’ll need to go through. That is not weakness for you and does not make me better than you or smarter than you, it just makes me older.

Since I have known you, there have been many things I have witnessed that have concerned me, but I never felt it was my place to butt in. And even now, I feel very uncomfortable to point out any of this out to you, so I will not. That doesn’t mean that I don’t care and that I am not worried. The only times I have offered any substantial opinion or advice, is when you asked. Even then, I felt awkward, but I tried to be honest about what I thought. I have never said anything about your boyfriend or anyone else in your life in a mean spirited, hurtful way --- I tried to treat you the way I would want to be treated -- the way my friends interact with me, and the way I interact with them. I wouldn’t want a friend to just agree with me to make me feel good. What can be gained from that? Evenstill, I have always felt that I needed to tread very lightly and carefully with you, because I have come to know you to be very sensitive to anything that might be perceived as criticism or that might suggest that there are other possibilities beyond what you have thought of. Based upon the things that you said this weekend, I understand that I failed miserably in this regard.

Now I want to try to explain why I have tried so much to find your birthfather for you and address this squarely. This gets more complicated, and I’m not really sure that I fully understand it myself, so it may or may not make sense to you. I have always told you that I loved your birth father when I was with him, and I really did. He is not a bad person and has good qualities. What he didn’t have was a fair shake at life. The situation with his own mother walking away from him, and his father’s inability to give him any real parenting, truly destroyed his ability to know how to build relationships. The only bond that he was ever able to sustain was with his father, and he died way too early. There is no one else for him. Because of this, and because of the simple, albeit misguided, love I had for him, I have sympathy and compassion, even though I know he is very messed up. This is also something for whatever reason I felt comfortable being involved in with you, as your birth mother. I remember how he was when you were born… and I don’t mean with me, I mean with you. Despite all of his shortcomings and problems, he clearly demonstrated that you meant something to him. You meant enough for him to want to see you and to hold you, knowing you would never be his. And as I told you before, if it wasn’t for him, I may well have changed my mind and taken you back. Whatever his motivation was, he is the primary reason you remained with your mom and dad. It was his ability to talk sense into a distraught young girl, convincing me to put your interests before my own heartache. With all that being said, I kind of feel like he has gotten the raw end of this deal, simply because babies grow in a woman’s belly, and men donate sperm. I have often wondered if meeting you could impact his life in a positive way, and I wonder if such a meeting would give you that satisfaction of knowing that you have done so well, far beyond anything he was able to accomplish. Most importantly, I believe it would give you an opportunity to independently judge him for yourself, without all the rumor and speculation from everyone else, including me. For the record, I really and truly do not believe he is a cross dresser! I never thought I’d hear myself say this, but I think he deserves that much and secretly it would make me happy to know that there is a chance for him to be happy and as normal as normal can be, given his circumstance. When I really think about this, I know it is completely unreasonable for me to put this expectation on you. I also realize that he may simply be a lost cause. I’m sorry that I didn’t see this before now and made it so awkward for you. Again, if I had the “Birth Mom”, “Adoptee” rulebook, it might have read otherwise. Or if I had listened more carefully to what you were trying to tell me.

So, why am I telling you all this? You are probably thinking that it is an effort to get you to change your decision. Well, it is not. Do I wish you had agreed to take the time to think about things? Yes. I had hoped that the time we shared meant enough to you that you would honor that request, and just take time and allow me time. Does it hurt that you have refused? Yes, but I will be ok and you have my word and promise that I will honor your wishes. I am telling you all this because the way things end matters to me. I’m telling you because it is important to me that you know that I have never said or done anything with the intent to hurt you. In fact, all of your life, from the moment you were conceived, it has been quite the opposite. If you have gained anything from this experience, I hope that you will appreciate and take with you that I am not angry, I am sorry for my mistakes and I forgive you unconditionally. You did not choose to be adopted and I know this situation has presented you with an equal amount of stress and you too have surely felt the awkwardness and risk of being hurt that I described. You do not have a rulebook either. My hope for you is that if a situation presents itself in the future that is upsetting, you might think back on this time and consider walking away, breathing, thinking and sleeping on things before reacting. If I have learned anything in life, I know that angry words hurt, even when we don’t intend them to. Although I believe you intended to hurt me, I’m fairly certain that you are not clear in your own mind as to why. As for me, I cannot take any more risks right now beyond the vunerability of sharing these feelings with you. I do think, however, that all that I described was worth having the opportunity to know you….. and “you do have the tenacity of a pitbull”, and I hope that this will carry you so that you will always be ok. Lastly, please remember you don’t have to be perfect, and there is nothing to lose by seeking help when you need it. It is not a sign of weakness, rather a sign of strength.

[SuddenlySusan]

Well...generally speaking, it is a very thoughtful letter and well-stated letter, that's for sure.

I don't really know your situation, but I'd reconsider this piece:

"I actually shared this briefly with your mom, when we met. She told me that I shouldn’t be afraid to set boundaries. In the next breath, however, she told me that she and your Dad try to give you gentle guidance and advice, but feel it is seldom accepted. She told me that she privately hoped I would be able to give you advice and that you might accept it from me. Ironically, nothing could be harder or more awkward than that expectation, but I know she didn’t mean it to be. She just loves you and worries about you."

I say that because it might be best to keep her adoptive mother out of your letter...her amom might not appreciate it, and it might make things more difficult between the two of them.

This part puts me on edge:

"I also realize that I am much different than your mom and dad, however, I love my children. Even if I yell or I slap them, I still love them, and I am trying to teach them how to be better people. I want only the best for them and they know this. It is far from abuse, and what I see as normal discipline."

...it's the slapping part...Evidently, it put your daughter on edge as well. It leaves me without any further words, really...

Susan

[RavenSong]

Megsmile -- I had the same exact reaction that SuddenlySusan did to your letter. The two parts that she mentioned are the parts I had trouble with, too. You may want to edit those parts out.

One thing you do NOT want to do in any reunion is set up any animosity between your grown child and her parents. I'm really afraid that telling your daughter the things her mom has shared with you could cause some backlash.

I agree with Susan -- the reference to slapping your raised children put me on edge, too.

[snoopy87]

It sounds like what has recently happened between you and your daughter has triggered a lot of painful emotions for you both. Your letter seems to be trying to express the pain of that encounter, as well as to signal the end of the reunion. I would just be very, very careful because what you put down in black and white and send off to your daughter will stay with her forever. We all have disagreements and hurt feelings from time to time with those we love, but if we had only one last opportunity to communicate with these people, I think most of us would want the opportunity to let them know how much they have meant to us.

I too am in reunion with one of my natural parents whom I recently had an emotional outburst with. I felt the need to follow up with a letter and my first three drafts varied between trying to make excuses for what I did, trying to show how other people's actions caused me to do what I did, blame, excuses, poor me, etc. Reunion is emotional!

In the end, I thought about how much this person has meant to me, not just since our reunion but even prior to that. I thought, "hey, if this my last letter, if there is nothing left to lose, this is a golden opportunity for me to put it all out there, to say the things I've been too uncomfortable to say because I didn't want to risk our reunion." And, when I thought it about it, the main thing I would want my natural parent to know if we never spoke again is that she was in often in my thoughts, my time with her was special and will always be cherished in my memory, I feel more whole having met her, I want what is best for her and her family, I will always think of them, and, essentially, I love her and her family.

I would try to leave the door open. People grow, mature, and change. You are older and wiser. Let her know you're sorry for your part and you still care.

I guess if I had to summarize, the point I'm trying to make here is imagine you or she dying immediately after this letter is read - what would you really want to say to her if this were your last chance?

Best Wishes