[megsmile31]

Thanks for all the advice on this, I really do appreciate it. I guess it might make sense to give you some perspective on the "slapping" part, so that you all do not think I am nut child abuser!!! :-) Also, on some of my feelings on this entire situation.

I have raised, and I am still raising, a wonderful 17 year old daughter. She is a great kid, good grades, thoughtful, sweet & considerate, but like every teenager, she has her ocassional moments. A few weeks back, she and I had a conversation in which she called me a nasty word, very unlike her, but nonetheless, I slapped her face. My bdaughter was NOT present during this and it was me who told her about the incident sometime later during a telephone call, and it was a non issue, nothing more than a small part of a larger conversation.

During the incident last weekend, as I sat in my bedroom with my husband and listened to F bombs and screaming all of the mean, hurtful things she could think of, she basically said that I am a horrible mom because I slap and yell at my daughter. My whole neighborhood witnessed this ranting, screaming episode of my bdaughter. I was somewhat horrified and stayed in my bedroom, hoping she would soon leave. It was almost as if she was egging me on to get into some sort of battle with her, which I completely refused to do.

There was one other incident, which my birthdaughter referred to during her rant. About 4 or 5 months ago, my 17 year old made one of those rude comments to me that kids make when other people are around, because they think it will be hard for you (Mom) to say anything. I asked my 17 year old to go to her room (at the other end of the house), and I followed her, closing the door where I yelled at her that those types of comments were not appropriate, and I didn't care who was at the house, it was not ok. I was mad, but I pulled her aside, as I usually would, and said my part away from my bdaughter. My bdaughter felt this was inappropriate and quite honestly, I don't know why she feels she is in any position to judge my parenting decisions.

The conversations I have had with her adopted mom, were very interesting. At the time, I had not seen all of the behaviors I have now witnessed, and things that we talked about make more sense than they did then. Her adopted mom asked me if there was any mental health issues in her biological family -- she had seen things that made her wonder. At the time, I hadn't seen the things she may have been referring to.

I don't mean to come across as mean or without a heart, but I have such a hard time feeling for my bdaughter what I feel for the children I raised. I don't know why, but that's truly what's inside of me -- and I would be less than honest to say otherwise. When my bdaughter was born 22 years ago, I loved her instantly --- I also mourned her intensely and wondered every year on her birthday and prayed she was ok. Today, when I look at this 22 year old young woman, I can't connect her to that little baby. I can't connect the feelings either, and sometimes it's like she is a stranger. I've tried the best I know how to get to know her and let her know me, but sometimes it has been overwhelming. I've hoped that the feeling that I do not have would develop over time.

What I have found is that she can be difficult, overbearing, nonstop talking, and very opinionated. Like so many 22 year olds, she has a hard time seeing things from anyone's point of view, but her own, or respecting other people's space. As I mention in my letter, I have not done a good job setting boundaries.

Everyone on these sites talks about this "instant love" or "bond" that they feel, but I just don't feel it. I also believe that when people suck the life out of you, you do not have to accept that, no matter who they are. Why would I have to say things to make her feel better that I do not feel? Is that really being loving or honest? I feel that she has selfishly and intentionally come into my life with some expectation that I cannot fulfill, she has berated me, made my family uncomfortable and then set out to hurt and embarrass me and my family.

I do not think I need to be a martyr on this, I think I have already suffered enough and have worked really hard to build a good life that makes me happy. I have given her all that she needs to build that same life, I have answered her questions, opened my home and my life and I do not deserve this.

I also do not want her to walk away without understanding that other people matter and what they feel matters. I'm not saying that I'll never want to see her again, but what I am saying is that I do not need to for me to feel fulfilled and happy.

Being both an adoptee and a birthparent, I see this from a unique perspective. Whose struggle is more difficult? Well, as an adoptee I never felt hurt or pain or anger -- this is probably ironic, as my adoptive father molested me throughout my young childhood. When I was old enough, I was simply and truly curious to know my birthmother. It was like solving the mystery to my life.... it wasn't about healing hurt, because I didn't feel hurt. I felt adopted.

As a birthmother, I felt immense hurt and pain.... it took years for it to heal, and evenstill, I never ever forgot the pain or the loss of my first child. Then, years later, there is some expectation by society that as birthmothers we owe the adoptee closure, love, acceptance, etc. because we abandoned them?

I think if we were all honest, we could say that adoption is not "abandonment". At 17 years old, it would have been much less painful for me to keep this infant that I loved so very much. I could have taken her home to live with my molester of a father.... it would have been less painful for me and ruined her life completely. So, did I abandon her? No. I choose to seek out an area adoption agency with a good reputation in the community. I worked with a social worker from the agency throughout my pregnancy who knew the adoptive parents that my child would go to. I believed and still believe today that they gave her love, safety and security and the type of upbringing that I could not have given her. Ironically, she doesn't see this.

I went through the most immense heartache I have ever felt so that her life would be better. When do I have a right to free myself from the guilt and hurt and why now does she have a right to come back and be so hurtful and critical of who I am? Why is it expected that I will unconditionally love someone that I do not even know? I guess I am trying to put this whole situation in some sort of box, so that life can get back to normal. My husband, my daughter and my son deserve that from me. My daughter really needs me right now.... and I'm not comfortable with a bdaughter who constantly criticizes me for chosing to raise her in a nice community, outside of the city. I'm also VERY uncomfortable when b-daughter tells my 17 year old that she's been too sheltered and needs to live a little, party, drink, experiment with sex, etc. As for my bdaughter, I agree that she has a lot of growing and maturing to do and I do not wish her any harm, in fact, quite the opposite. I think, however, that she has a family to lean on for those intimate places in her life.... the family I gave her 22 years ago. I have not been involved in her family beyond 1 cup of coffee with her Mom - and I wouldn't feel comfortable inserting myself there. Why is there an expectation that she belongs so intimately in mine?

I guess for me, endings matter and I do see this as an ending. Maybe given 10-15 years, things will be different and we will be able to form a friendship, but I need to protect myself and my ability to continue to be the wife and mom that my family deserve.

Am I making sense to anyone???? Has anyone felt these things before? As I read through some of these postings, I just wish i could find someone who understands or has had a similar feeling and is willing to be honest about it -- even though it might not be the popular way to feel. I feel so guilty for being honest. Ugggg.....

[SuddenlySusan]

So, when I hear you say this:

"I guess for me, endings matter and I do see this as an ending. Maybe given 10-15 years, things will be different and we will be able to form a friendship..."

....I hear you say that there is a possibility that this is NOT an ending.

I believe that.....as long as you are breathing....this is not the end....and I would still look at it like that.....this is NOT the end, even if you declare it to be so....

Peace,
Susan

[megsmile31]

Susan,
You make a point that my statement is a complete oxymoron.

I guess it's a long break.... for now, it's about me curling up into the safety of my life, my husband and my children.

Will I ever feel what I am supposed to feel? and if not, how do I deal with that?

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by megsmile31

I don't mean to come across as mean or without a heart, but I have such a hard time feeling for my bdaughter what I feel for the children I raised. I don't know why, but that's truly what's inside of me -- and I would be less than honest to say otherwise. When my bdaughter was born 22 years ago, I loved her instantly --- I also mourned her intensely and wondered every year on her birthday and prayed she was ok. Today, when I look at this 22 year old young woman, I can't connect her to that little baby. I can't connect the feelings either, and sometimes it's like she is a stranger. I've tried the best I know how to get to know her and let her know me, but sometimes it has been overwhelming. I've hoped that the feeling that I do not have would develop over time.

Meg, I'm just going to address the above quote for right now.

I relinquished in 1972, towards the end of the Closed Era. My son and I were reunited in 1990, shortly after his 18th birthday. I did feel an instant connection with him the first time I held him in my arms. And the love I had always held for him in my heart was still there.

I moved back to my hometown in order to develop a solid foundation, a lifelong relationship with him. However, my son had a raging drug addiction to crystal methamphetamine at the time. Through the next few years, we went through hell with that boy. After a couple years, I was emotionally drained -- I felt absolutely no connection with him at all after a while...and it scared me.

What worked for me was a meditation I came up with out of the blue one day. Every day, I would sit in my rocking chair in my bedroom with the curtains closed. I would rock back and forth slowly, envisioning my son sitting on my lap as an infant. In my mind, I made it as real as possible -- I smelled his sweet baby scent, felt his chubby little arms around my neck, felt the touch of his little hand as it caressed my face, listened to his cooing. In my mind, I sang lullabies to him...

After several weeks of daily meditations, I started "aging" him from infancy up thru toddlerhood. By the time he reached the age of three or so in my mind, I felt such a strong connection and deep love for him that it's kind of hard to put down in words. I just know that the exercise worked for me.

Through the years, I've met a few birth/first mothers who were having trouble feeling that primal connection with their reunited children. Most of the moms who have practiced this meditation have been helped by it. It wouldn't hurt for you to give it a try.

[snoopy87]

Meg, I would like to reply from a reunited adoptees standpoint. Admittedly, I do not know you or your daughter and may be misunderstanding some of what your write or be blinded a bit by my own experience so take what you will from this. I’m just trying to help add another perspective.

In your letter, you write, “I actually shared this briefly with your mom, when we met. She told me that I shouldn’t be afraid to set boundaries. In the next breath, however, she told me that she and your Dad try to give you gentle guidance and advice, but feel it is seldom accepted. She told me that she privately hoped I would be able to give you advice and that you might accept it from me. Ironically, nothing could be harder or more awkward than that expectation, but I know she didn’t mean it to be. She just loves you and worries about you." And then in your further explanation, you say, “The conversations I have had with her adopted mom, were very interesting. At the time, I had not seen all of the behaviors I have now witnessed, and things that we talked about make more sense than they did then. Her adopted mom asked me if there was any mental health issues in her biological family -- she had seen things that made her wonder. At the time, I hadn't seen the things she may have been referring to.”
I do not understand how any of this is pertinent to say to your daughter, right now or ever. You say the adoptive mother told you these things in private, you say that specifically to your daughter. Why the need to reveal them now? You say this letter is an end. So she won’t have you any more, she’ll just have her adoptive mother. Why put into her head that you and the adoptive mother have discussed her and her “issues” privately and you now feel agree on them? As an outsider, this seems like it may make your daughter feel doubly ditched so to speak. Her mother that gave birth to her wants no more relationship with her, and her adoptive mother is alleged to have privately questioned her mental health. As an adoptee, I would find that message incredibly cold. If you don’t want a relationship right now, that’s ok, but I don’t think it’s right to meddle in her relationship with her adoptive mother at the same time.

Also, regarding your eluding to your doubts about your daughter’s mental health, I think most adoptees lash out at one time or another in a way that might make the casual observer question their mental health. Being adopted is hard on a lot of people. You say it wasn’t really hard on you and you gave your daughter a great family, even better than the one you were adopted into. That’s your opinion. If she feels differently, her feelings are just as real and valid as yours are. My mental health is just fine, and yet trying to wrap my mind around how one of the people who created me was willing to live her life without me, meanwhile marrying and happily raising several children after me, was nearly impossible for me to understand. I asked myself over and over and over and over again, “What on earth is my flaw? What is soooo wrong with me that I was left out?” I could have been raised by the queen of England, and it would not have erased the pain of abandonment I felt. Do you have any idea how bittersweet it is for an adoptee to see one of their birth parents living a happy life with children they kept? It’s great in that optimistic way that we all wish everyone is happy, but it is so incredibly painful in that “I didn’t get this, they chose not to keep me, I have lost my chance at a shared history with my family” sort of way.

My mom was nearly taken by DCFS as child because her mom was very poor, had way too many kids, and wasn’t married. Times were tough in that house – meals were scarce, she had no supervision, molestation was common, etc. Yet, she has told me sooo many times, “I’m so glad I had my siblings and my mom. I would have lived in a cardboard box on the street with them – my mom was my world when I was a child and I couldn’t have survived without her.” You can’t necessarily mend an adoptees heart by telling her that she is better off for the choices you made, she simply may not agree.

Finally, I would just like to say, once again referencing your letter, that you say you don’t feel any connection to this girl, you need your “veg time” which she was encroaching upon, her baby (your grandbaby) was in your things and not being disciplined to your standards, and you put your foot down. Then, you question why she stood on your lawn and yelled at you and criticized your parenting. I would venture to say, that was because of hurt feelings. No one wants to feel like an unwanted burden. New moms don’t want their children criticized, especially by birth grandma whose attention probably means more than anything in the world.

I’m very sorry your reunion with your daughter has been hard. I hope you both find peace soon.

[megsmile31]

I totally disagree with you. This girl needs to go and get help, for many reasons beyond what I have noted here. I hope that her family will help her.

My husband and I do not have to, nor want to, be involved with this. We have worked really hard to build a loving marriage and family, which we cherish.

I have given what I feel I owed her, and my rants here are my way of expressing my feelings.

So, perhaps you are right. Perhaps keeping this child, to have her be repeatedly molested by my father, would have made her feel more "wanted" and her life would have been better than what she was given? Really??? Really??? This is the typical guilt crap that no birthparent deserves. And oh, maybe I should have sat back and never married, never had children and spent my life in a deep depression over her relinquishment. Really????

You know, what she will never understand is everything that came in between her relinquishment and where I am today. And she should be glad. She won't know what it's like to testify against a grandfather who molested her... only to have a jury be hung. She won't know what it's like to share a bedroom in a tiny apartment with a sibling, while her mother sleeps on a fold-out sofa in the living room, because she has no bedroom. She won't know what it's like to have moved 7 times as a child, losing friends each time, and changing schools. She'll never know what it's like to watch her mother fall into a deep depression over the shame of a father who used her as a sexual toy. She won't be a child who loses her dad at 6 years old, because her parents divorced, and she wasn't important enough to continue to be involved. What she does know is the joy of healthy parents who have given her a stable home and unconditionally loved her and put her needs first. Her adoption sheltered her from all the things she'll never know. What she doesn't know is how appreciate it. What I can't understand is why???? But when I put her recent behavior together in my mind, with other things I have seen, I truly believe she needs help. I think her a-mom knows this too, and that's probably why she brought it up.

To say that I went on with my life, happily married with 2 kids, while not wanting her, is clearly spoken by someone who is very niave to life. Whatever the case may be, those feelings are not things that any birth parent can fix for an adoptee. We are all responsible for our own wellbeing and happiness.

Also, as an aside, your writing sounds very familiar to me..... no harm meant, but it is very self-absorbed and considers only one side. I have to wonder why? Birthparents do not owe birthchildren anything beyond the life that they gave them. If they give more, it is because they want to, not because they have to.

My birthdaughter seems to believe that she has a right to scream, yell, swear and hurt people with the expectation that she will be unconditionally accepted and can do and act any way she likes. Well that is just NOT the case. Her behavior was so outrageous and my husband and I have do not accept it. For the record, we wouldn't accept it from anyone. I know that because of whatever her issues are, she is not in control of her own self. This is not a rejection of her, but a rejection of the behavior, which she has allowed to become part of her.

You are right, people have ocassional disagreements, but this was far more than an ocassional disagreement. She demonstrated to me that she does not understand her adoption, has little respect for our home and our family and begrudges me happiness. She said things that were so mean and hurtful, and I am not interested in being anyone's punching bag.

She is 22 and I cannot put my life on hold and devote it to her. I met her almost two years ago, and I did do that for a time - put my life on hold. Then, I needed to work, be a mom, a wife and continue with my life, which I tried to include her in. It was never enough, obviously, and she has never understood when I can't do or be what she wants.

I can't do this and a part of me feels very bad, but I know that I have a right to walk away not because she is too much trouble, but because her involvement in my life has become negative and hurtful. I do not want that for her or me.

[megsmile31]

Through all my rants, the one thing I have discovered is that I am simply angry. (I'm sure you guys all got that, way before I did.) I know my bdaughter is angry over her adoption, but so am I. None of it is fair and it sucks.... I guess what really frustrates me is that I had little control over it. Out of a whole bunch of bad choices, I chose the one that I thought was the lesser of all the evils. It wasn't easy then, and it's not easy now.

I'm angry at my a-father, who made that so. I'm angry that our lives were pretty much separated. I'm angry that there are no "right" ways to handle any of it. And I'm angry that as a result, she is having such issues and I am having such issues. I resent the fact that a process that was supposed to make this child have a wonderful life, has left her so confused and with such an identity crisis/loss of self-esteem. And I'm angry that I can't make things better, that she can't make it better. I feel guilt for not feeling the "bond" or "love" that I'm supposed to feel, but I think I was robbed of it, and so was she. I feel helpless when I watch her struggling emotionally. I wish she would just go and get help -- and I'm angry that I can't be what she needs me to be. I'm frustrated that she doesn't see she needs help.

I need to concentrate on the things in my life I can control, and the people that count on me for a daily dose of love and support. I have a responsibility to not let my past, ruin their present.

I can't go on feeling guilty for wanting to be happy. We all have a divine right to do what is best for ourselves, although I think we have been trained to think otherwise.

So, I've finally resolved this in my own mind. I am not going to send the letter, and I'm not going to contact her with any of this. In fact, I will not contact her at all. Instead, I'll say a quiet prayer that her Mom and family will continue to love her and encourage her to go and get help.

I'm going to let go and let God.

[SuddenlySusan]

Originally Posted by megsmile31

Through all my rants, the one thing I have discovered is that I am simply angry. (I'm sure you guys all got that, way before I did.) I know my bdaughter is angry over her adoption, but so am I. None of it is fair and it sucks.... I guess what really frustrates me is that I had little control over it. Out of a whole bunch of bad choices, I chose the one that I thought was the lesser of all the evils. It wasn't easy then, and it's not easy now.....

.....So, I've finally resolved this in my own mind. I am not going to send the letter, and I'm not going to contact her with any of this. In fact, I will not contact her at all. Instead, I'll say a quiet prayer that her Mom and family will continue to love her and encourage her to go and get help.

I'm going to let go and let God.

Meg....I think that is the best that you can do. And, I think you'll be glad that you did not send the letter. The main thing is that you were able to express yourself, and start to get the anger out. I understand that you were hoping for a safe and healthy life for your daughter when you made the hard choice that you did. I also understand that none of us is required to accept or allow maltreatment.

You are in a very difficult position, and it must be breaking your heart. I'm so sorry for the situation you find yourself in, but you're right...perhaps it is time to let go, and allow yourself time to heal. Hopefully, your daughter will be able to experience some healing in the interim as well.

In the meanwhile, you might also want to consider connecting with a counselor to continue working out some of the anger issues. I was angry for a very long time....anger can eat a person alive, from the inside out. I strongly encourage you to work on the anger....before it has its way with you....and, before you bury it away again. We can get pretty good at that...burying the pain and anger.... I don't recommend it.....

Peace,
Susan

[AlongTimeAgo]

I went through the most immense heartache I have ever felt so that her life would be better. When do I have a right to free myself from the guilt and hurt...

Meg, you have always had the right to be free from the guilt and hurt.

... and why now does she have a right to come back and be so hurtful and critical of who I am?

She has never had the right to come back and be so hurtful and critical, for you giving her not only life, but a chance at a better life than what you could give her at 17.

Why is it expected that I will unconditionally love someone that I do not even know?

Maybe because "some" do, so all should? I don't know. I gave up my firstborn at the age of 15, actually went to court on my 16th birthday. Way back in the day when the only option was closed adoption. I too, went through the most immense heartache I have ever felt when my mom made that decision, so that daughter's life would be better than I/we could've EVER made it. When she found me, there was no "instant bond" - this was not the baby I cried and mourned over for all those years. This was a 17 yo young lady. I didn't know her, I mean, she did look a bit like me, but she didn't resemble at all the little baby I remembered. She and I sat on my bed, and read her adoption papers, and I could not comprehend that baby JL, was the same person as the young lady sitting next to me. I still can't, and she and I have a wonderful friendship today. But its a friendship, a close loving friendship, but a friendship. The "bonding" to me, comes from the sleepless nights walking the floor with your colicky baby, the first day of school jitters, kissing away the boo-boos, the tears at HS graduation (that you don't let him see), all those things that make a mother a "mom." We don't have all that inbetween stuff with the children we gave up that we do with the children we keep, so why should we feel the same way towards them??

Am I making sense to anyone???? Has anyone felt these things before?

I have felt exactly as you describe.

As I read through some of these postings, I just wish i could find someone who understands or has had a similar feeling and is willing to be honest about it -- even though it might not be the popular way to feel. I feel so guilty for being honest. Ugggg.....

Never feel guilty for your feelings or being honest about them. Feelings are just that.... feelings. You gave your daughter life, you allowed her to be placed with parents so that she could have a better life, you opened your home and your family to her when she came to you; you answered her questions, you tolerated an awful lot from her. You owe her nothing more. You owe your husband and children their mom and wife back. Most importantly, you owe it to yourself to be happy, and not to have to feel guilty.

Hugs, C

P.S. I, too, am glad you're not going to send the letter.