[firstmom47]

I was so scared/yet so happy to meet my son. We live very far apart, so it's hard to maintain contact or have the relationship grow. I promised myself (and him!) I'd let whatever he wanted to happen just happen. Harder to live up to that--hard to know what's because of what he wants or doesn't want, or because he's not good at creating relationships, or just because he's busy and has his own life (for which I'm grateful), and what might be because what he now knows is "enough." And of course he's a grown-up!!
Who can tell? Anyway, I email him from time to time, sometimes I get an answer, sometimes not. It can be a long time in between. My husband also wonders...yes, he's the father.
I don't want to push, or put him off, yet I don't want him to think I've lost interest, either.
Tough to balance all this.
I always knew, all these years, that I cared, but I didn't expect to love him the way I did when I saw him.
Most important: that he be happy.
It's possible to be hurt even when no one's hurting you.

[kathy79]

Wow firstmom47,

I could of written your post word for word. I'm on the same rollercoaster and I'm not sure I can stay on it much longer!

I shouldn't be hurting but I am. How can this person that I never knew consume so much of my life?

There seems to be a double standard in our communication. Why? He says all the right things when asked but falls short living up to what he says.

Is this just typical for guy? My bson is 30.

[firstmom47]

I can't blame him, or even myself--it's all natural. We birthmothers have had feelings all our lives; it's new to them. Lots of questions answered, but they already have other lives, other relationships.
We've been "saving a seat" without knowing it, all this time--even when we thought we were moving on.

[quantum]

My son is 24. When we don't have contact for a while, I find myself pulling back, hiding a bit, making myself feel like it doesn't matter.
But it does, and it shows when he DOES contact me.
And we have a relatively good reunion. Just thousands of miles and many lost years separateing us.

[kune]

I don't think any of the responses here are unusual. You do notice I hope that all have sons...me included.

It takes longer with sons, I am sure. My bson and I have been in reunion now for over 8 years. (Whew...I had to stop and count and the number surprised me!!)
Those first three years were difficult. Should I ring? - why doesn't he call? - does he want a relationship? - is he confused like I am? - is he sick of me calling? - he said he would ring and I haven't heard from him for a month.... is he pulling back? - did I say something that hurt? All of these thoughts were real....and some still are. It's impossible to treat these new bsons of ours the same as we treat our other kids. We feel we are an intrusion- but we do need to be open and honest.

My solution is Ask the questions. Am I annoying you? How often can I ring? Are you wanting a lasting connection? Do you ever get angry with me and think why did I do this? The answers were refreshing and enlightening and sometimes not what I wanted to hear, but the lines of communication were opened and we continue to be open and honest and free with how we talk about wants and needs.

It's not like the normal mother-son relationship - more like a special kinship connection. I know he is mine, and he knows I am his birthmother, but he doesn't think of me in the same "Mother" way as his amother. I wouldn't want to replace her, but I want to be just as special - in other ways. He can't replace my other son, but he is just as special - in a different way.

My other suggestion is to stop and analyse why you stress over this relationship. Ask yourself "Am I causing this disruption to my life or is he?". If it's you - try to be happy with what you have (even if it is just knowledge of who your child is). Think positive thoughts instead of believing the worst, and learn to laugh at your obsessions. You know you were once sane and controlled so where did this manic self come from?

Smile a lot and dreamof what is possible in the future. Keep going - your sons are still young - my son is 39 and still we have work to do. We have the rest of our lives to make this work, and I wouldn't want it any other way now. They say the reunions that take baby-steps are the ones that endure. I need mine to endure and God-willing, yours will too.
Regards
Ann

[firstmom47]

Beautiful. That's what I try to do--just have doubts sometimes. I know it's all mostly in my head (and heart.)
Thanks, it helps to know others are feeling the same thing.
And yes, it's partly a guy thing!