[simply_maddie]

My birth daughter has recently turned 18 years old this past January and a few weeks ago, her mom found me and called me. I was so excited and had to contain myself as she told me about her....my birth daughter Jessica. She explained that Jessica has wanted to find me for years but that she said she would have to wait until she was 18 and that Jessica didn't know I was on the phone. She went to get her and what followed was a very happy and emotional 2 hour phone conversation!

During the call, we hooked up on facebook where I was able to finally see her and we shared pictures back and forth. The call ended and later that night, we had a little chat on facebook as well. During the following week, I would see her on facebook and say hi and try to strike up a conversation. Just about regular stuff since I was scared to death to dwell on just adoption stuff. Two of her good friends also requested to be my friend on facebook.

My problem is that I am the only one initiating conversation when we are both on facebook at the same time. I don't want to come on too strong. I was able to read her status messages all the way back to her 18th birthday and she was literally counting down the hours and was chanting my name. She said she knew since she was 5 or 6 that she was adopted and has always wanted to find me. But the way she is right now does not show that at all. I don't want to scare her away but I don't want to back off too much either. I am dying to have another phone conversation with her and am debating on asking for one. But what do I say then! The chat on facebook is making me nuts....I don't know. Plus, she is that typical 18 year old who is still only a junior since she was held back a year. ugh...I'm so scared and confused.

I have read a lot posts here and it seems my feelings are pretty normal but what do I do? Any advice? Please.

Maddie

[zxczxcasdasd]

I can't speak for your daughter, but I know that when my son reunited at 18, confusion would be the theme. His feelings were all over the place, and half the time he didn't even know what he was feeling. He had been sure he didn't want to talk, then he was sure he did, then he didn't want to, then he was glad he did, then he was happily obsessed, then he was ambivalent....you get the picture. It's impossible to follow their cues when their cues are all over the place.

Also, this generation as a whole is more comfortable with the typed word than with voice communication. My son only "talks" with his 2 half siblings by his first mom over IM. Even here at home, he and his girlfriend live 5 minutes apart, go to the same school, both have phones, and yet they talk most of the time via IM. I don't get it, but I've learned to adjust. If I call him, 9 out of 10 times he won't pick up. But if he's signed on to IM, I can usually get a good exchange with him.

I know it's frustrating to try to walk a line that's invisible and keeps zigzagging. The best advice I can give is to think of this relationship as being for the long haul. If you are HERE now, and not going anywhere, it will be an adjustment for you to get used to the relationship, and her development and maturity, moving at a normal pace- especially when the build-up and the initial contact seemed like it was set to hyper-speed. Make sure you have a good support system. Reuniting with kids at this age is a rollercoaster and then some. It would probably be good to look up an adoption support group in your area. Without people who understand, this whole thing can make you crazy...and we need others to keep us sane in those moments.

Congratulations on your reunion.

[keds]

Maddie, let her be the lead, if she wants you to "chat", then "chat". My experience, post once or twice a week maximum - if she wants more, respond - let her decide how "much/often" she wants you to contact her. I would use personal messages too, rather than posting on her wall. Keep your relationship special, between the 2 of you - as a young person she may not yet be certain of what she wants or expects - you are the adult and, unfortunately, have to hold back your emotions to build a strong, lasting relationship. Take care and I wish you well.

[greenbottles]

My bdaughter is over 18 and we have been reunited since she was 14...if you can call it that...lol. she hasn't replied to any of my letters for more than 18 months but she has been in contact with other bfamily members. It is tough and it has driven me mad - read up about pullback...that may help...lol

[Janeytwo]

Hey Maddie,

I'm not in reunion, but I'm just coming in to back up what others are saying.

The electronic age has greatly changed the way people communicate. Plus, your daughter being 18.....well....teens are all over the place.....as was posted.

Hugs to ya and keep us posted, okay?

[simply_maddie]

I want to thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. Your words of advice and encouragement have really helped me.

I have one other concern I didn't mention originally. Her mom. She called me and we spoke for barely 5 minutes before she ran off to get Jessica on the phone. My gut is telling me this is a hard time for her as well but I want to speak with her again at some point. How does that work?

[keds]

Maddie, my advise is to write her first - whether by snail mail or e-mail. She may be feeling "insecure", I've tried to "see" reunion from all sides and think that would be my reaction - wanting to do what is best for my child and still being so afraid. All the best. Kate.

[saj]

Maddie,

I was thinking as I read these posts that perhaps you should contact amom. I am an amom, so I am speaking from my perspective only. Your daughter's amom contacted you first. So she seemingly recognizes DD's need. She contacted you by phone, so I would think that media is okay. As an amom (not in an open adoption) I think about my DD's bmom at least as much as DD does. I feel a sisterhood with Bmom, I also feel guilty because I am parenting and not her. I have a need to share all of our wonderful girl's milestones, achievements and even her wounds and heartbreaks. I have this whole relationship going on with DD's bmom, even though I don't know where she is or how to contact her. The reason I have these feelings and needs is because in this whole wide world there is only one other living person that loves DD as much and in the same way as I do. That of course is her bmom. So for those reasons I vote that you contact Amom. If you are more comfortable writing, or emailing...by all means do so.

Much luck for you and your dd.

[simply_maddie]

saj,

I was so touched by your response. It is great to get an amom perspective on things. I am cycling through these stages of feelings myself. For 18 years she was a baby I gave birth to that for all those years I ached and longed for. There was definately a piece inside me missing. Now that she is "real" again and in my life, it's indescribable what I am feeling now.

So just an update. I decided to ask Jessica how she is doing and feeling and why the lack of chatter. She is apparently not like this generation with texting and internet and such. She explained that she is more of a phone person....haha! I laughed as I read that. I asked her for another phone chat and left it up to her to decide when and she agreed. She said she is just as confused as I am on where to go from here but knows she is happy with the person she found and wants me in her life.

I guess the thing from here is how will my part play out. I will muster up the guts to call her amom at some point. I think I am afraid. The last words I said to her as she told me she was about to go get Jessica on the phone was "your amazing for doing this" and she just mumbled "uh huh". I don't know what to do with that.

Thanks again to everyone for all your words. I think I will be hanging around here for a while

[keds]

saj/maddie - excellent advice and kudos for acknowledging that bchildren come first. At times, that gets lost in the emotions of all of this nonsense. As much as I have longed for my bson, his mom/stepmom were the ones that got him through the terrible twos, night fevers, etc. and I have to respect their role as mom. I gave birth to bson but they "raised" him. Hard to swallow as someone who longed to do it but so easy to accept as their love and caring made him "seek" me out.

[Janeytwo]

Hey Keds!!

I hadn't seen you in here for a bit so I thought I'd just write and see how you're feeling.

Just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you and saying prayers for ya.

[greenbottles]

Maddie, how is the reunion going?