[sndmcclure]

When I was 19 I had a daughter with a previous wife. I was very young, immature and frankly not responsible at all. Soon after we went through a divorce. When going through the divorce my ex-wife began telling our 1 year old daughter that the man she was dating was really her dad. At the time, because I was immature and unable to support a child, I thought it might be best to relinquish my parental rights - which I did. Soon after and throughout the years I regretted the decision. I never forgot about her. I traced her steps throughout her childhood and learned her adoptive name via public records. Now my daughter has turned 18 and she contacted me a month after her 18th birthday. We have been talking, emailing and we saw each other for the first time this past weekend. She wants to be part of our family and I want her to be part of our family.

I am now married and have a son of my own and two step-children. Their ages are 9, 10 & 11. I told my wife about my daughter when we first met years ago. My son and step children do not know about my daughter. My wife and I want to know the best way to tell the younger kids without scaring them or placing any undue anxiety upon them (such as them being scared that I might walk out on them). I want my daughter to feel a part of her dad's life, but I want to integrate all of the kids in the best possible way.

I feel honesty is the best policy and I would hate to introduce my daughter to the kids as a cousin or some other relative because then I worry about my daughter’s feelings. Truthfully I worried about everyone’s feeling. What is the best way to handle this situation?

[JustPeachy]

Honesty is definitely the best policy, as regarding how you will introduce your daughter. You can't say she's a cousin. The truth will come out somehow and then you'll be caught in a big lie.

I think the younger kids are old enough to be told, in age appropriate manner, that when you were very young, you had a child that you were not able to be a dad to, for what you thought at the time were valid reasons, but that you regretted it very much and now she is back in your life and you would like very much for her to be part of your family. They may be excited to know they have a big sister! If you have been in these children's lives for a long time, I don't think they will automatically fear you will walk out and leave them, but ask them if they have any concerns and see what they tell you. Maybe stress how happy you are as a family, how much you love them all, and how much you want all your children in your life forever.

Best wishes to you!

[kune]

sndmcclure
I'm the mother of adults and I didn't tell them about my bson. They were 31 and 32 when they found out they had a 35 year old My mother and siblings finally heard I had a child out of wedlock. (shock/horror)
Family went through all the emotions ......bedlam....hurt.....jealousy...anxiety....wha t about me........lies and deceipt are terrible!!!
and finally about 6 months later, they gained acceptance of what was and welcomed him into the family. My nephews and neices were a year or so older than your other children but they took to him immediately. They didn't have this perception of the perfect family as we adults do. They accept easily and as long as she's pretty and fun, they will love her ....because they are family.

You have to tell them. You can't keep secrets like I did - it will eat away at you until you feel helpless. I can't remember a more "freeing moment" than when I told my family about bson. It was like a huge weight being lifted off my chest.

Hey...and instead of concentrating on how you had to leave the child in her early years, try emphasising that family need to be together and even as an adult, she wants to be part of your now family.

Wooohoooo....congratulations all round. I remember the excitement and the fears but I also felt blessed to have the opportunity to right what felt like a wrong and had haunted me for many years. Telling the story is part of the reunion.

Ann

[NanieB44]

I'm was reunited successfully with my firstborn 20 years ago, thank God!

I understand the trepidation you and your wife are feeling about informing your sons about your long, lost daugther. I echo the advice of others here....please, please don't make up any lies to explain your daughter's existence and presence. Ultimately, that would hurt your entire family irreparably.

You are lucky that your son and stepsons are so young. I'll bet that it will just roll off there back and will eventually love having a big sister.

Bless you and your wife for accepting your daughter into your lives. So many birthdads don't...even when give a second chance.

God bless you all in your journey!