[Mockingbird]

Has anyone changed their will to include the child which they relinquished? I am in reunion and wondering about this--are there any complications from doing so?

[Oceans]

I have a pocketwatch that was my grandfathers, who passed it to my dad, who gave it to me and I will pass it to my son (that I placed). Not hugely monitary but that will go to him no matter what (and my will states that NOW)

As far as my estate, I am getting married soon (2nd time for me) so that is TBD. Personal items yes, money will go to those who are around me in my old age I guess.

I plan on spending it anyway...

ETA: Complications... No just name them in your properly executed will and you should be fine.

[Jackiejdajda]

I gave my bson an etching my mom did when she was in school in the 1930’s.. It was on the mantelpiece when I went there and I was very happy about that.. and I would like him to have some of my treasures..
But I will not be leaving him money he has a lot more money that we have right now..

I think his parents are very wealthy..

Jackie

[Isabo]

I am in an odd position in that I have more money that my son or his afamily. My husband and I put ourselves through school, and we both have good careers. Everything we have we have earned together.

My son is my only child. I intended to make him my heir (which has to be done formally in a will, since legally he is no relation to me). I actually had the will drawn up, but have not signed it, as I am having serious second thoughts about it. I believe that he is at a place right now where any money he inherited from me would not be appreciated or used wisely. I have given him some beautiful wood furniture and some family heirlooms, and I don't believe he has kept any of it or assigned any emotional value to any of these gifts because they came from me. For some significant reasons, I have started to feel very much like I am viewed as primarily a checkbook.

I will most likely leave my money to a charity which I am involved in and my family heirlooms to my nieces and nephews. If I am able to develop a relationship with my granddaughter, then she will be included in my will as well in some way.

[josh1788smom]

Our will specifically states our estate is left to the children born of our marriage. We have young children. The estate we leave behind, at least if it would happen at this point in time, should be to care for our children. My bson has 2 parents providing for him. We have met, and he is going through whatever 19 year old issues he needs to go through; however, in the event of my untimely death, he should not benefit financially. I need to make sure my kids are raised properly, as I would raise them, and get the opportunities they would have if we were around. My husband and I both have good jobs, and because of my position, I am heavily insured. My kids all attend private schools, and there are a lot of years left in getting them to a grown up status. If my son and I develop a relationship, I would make my wishes known to leave him something sentimental or whatever, but at this point, my estate is to guarantee my kids' current standard of living.

[paigeturner]

I have two grown daughters and at this time my husband and I are planning on leaving everything to them. Should I ever meet and build a relationship with my son, I will consider leaving him something. But right now that would feel strange. We have 23 neices and nephews, some that we are very close to and it would be wrong to leave a stranger something and not them.

[loveis]

Please do not flame me for what I am going to say, I am having a really hard time this week with adoption and reunion and when I saw this thread I felt like all that I was feeling was just validated here.

So what you are saying is that we are good enough to be called son or daughter, but in the end when it comes down to it we really are "strangers" who you wouldn't think to leave a few dollars to.

My bmom, a few months after we met, said she was going to change her beneficiary to me and I told her she didn't have to. I am not in this relationship to get her money, and really don't want it or feel like I should have it. My parents are well off, she knows that but she still feels like this is what she wants to do. Everyone has to do what is best for them. I guess when I see threads like this it just makes me sad, what are we strangers or your children? Hard to read a thread where in the same paragraph a son is called a stranger.

Please again, just my own thoughts and issues this week and really trying to understand all of this which I don't think I ever will. I don't know who I am suposed to be sometimes, stranger, outsider, acquaintance or daughter??

Remember IMHO, please. Just trying to understand.

[gigglessa]

I agree. I sometimes feel that the adoptee will never be included 100% no matter what anyone says.
I feel the same way. Almost like I am an after thought.
I think its the history, or lack of history that is hard to overcome.

[paigeturner]

Let me clarify. The son I placed for adoption 25 years ago is an unknown entity at this time - yes, for all intents and purposes, a stranger - but one I would like to know very much. When drafting our will we discussed this with our lawyer.

First, he may not even still be living (my greatest fear); second, he may not want to have anything (including part of my estate) to do with me; and third, I may not be able to locate him while I am still living - This is a possibility since I've hired two paid search firms and haven't been able to find anything to date. I could put him in my will as a 1/3 benificiary of my estate but until he is located it seems unfair to my daughters because if scenario 1 happened ie: he'd passed away, then there's the whole complication with his heirs; if scenario 3 happened part of the estate could be tied up for years.

My DH and I update our will every two years. If he's located then we'll reconsider.

I apologize if my brief answer earlier caused you any pain. That's not what I meant.

[Oceans]

Loveis and Gigglessa… I am soooo very glad you posted here. There is another thread on this topic where the answers are a lot different and I have found it interesting to the point I almost clarified earlier today.

From what I know (and I could be wrong) most on this thread are from the closed era and they can explain their personal relationships (or lack there of). I see Paige has posted this as well... The OA thread is much different – at least the last time I saw it.

My situation is that I JUST found my son and we aren’t even close to anything resembling a reunion. In fact 3 months ago I didn't even know his name or if he was alive.

My personal feeling is that if he becomes involved in my life then 100% of my portion of mine and “DH to be’s” estate will go to him as I have no other children. In fact I have a life insurance policy that I will name him as a beneficiary and take out another for my hubby just to be sure this does happen.

That said, if he does not want me in his life, then $$ will go to those in my life. Personally, I have no qualms about picking and choosing between my nieces & nephews based on a relationship. I don’t believe in giving $$ just because you are blood – KWIM?

As far as personal items and family heirlooms – the watch will go to my son as first born as it has for generations – regardless of our future relationship. It may mean nothing to him and if he throws it away I may haunt him in my afterlife – I’ll decide when I get there =) Other items are reserved for my nieces and nephews and would be regardless if I had raised him or not.

So for me anyway, adoption has very little to do with it. If I had a grown son that I raised and he and I were estranged I probably would have no problem “cutting him out of the will” when it comes to $$. I’m not saying that anyone has to spend their days feeding me to get in the will (I have a long term care policy or that) but a phone call once a month would be nice.

Just my personal feelings on the topic.

Does that make sense? I too am sorry if my short answer hurt you - certainly not my intent.

[jrainbow]

I was reunited with both bparents last year. My bmom never had any other children or siblings and changed her will to include me after 6 months. When she told me, she said that she made me equal to the lifelong friends that she had always had in her will and she hoped that I understood. I was floored and very touched that after such a short time, she would think of me in that way. As a matter of fact, one of her friends told me she heard her tell a lawyer friend that she needed to redo her will. The lawyer asked why? Bmom said - " Now, I have a daughter, of course."

Bdad, on the other hand, has a family, etc. and has not spoken about it.

I am certainly not in this for the money - but it truly touches me when she talks about leaving me family heirlooms and describes it as "your grandmother's whatever".

[JustPeachy]

I've been concerned about this from a different angle. I would definitely like to leave things to my son after I am gone, but was not sure if it is something I should tell him. We are not in reunion yet, but I don't want him to feel obligated or pressured to have a relationship with me based on future monetary or material inheritance. Do any of the adoptees here feel that might be an issue at all, or am I worrying for nothing? Would there be something uncomfortable for any of you in knowing that someone you have never met or didn't have a solid relationship with was naming you in a will or leaving you family heirlooms/mementos?

[dpen6]

I say leave money out of it, it does nothing but cause trouble. from all points in the triad.

Personally, I never expecated anymoney from birthmother(she didn't have any anyway) and would't from birthfather if I ever find him. On the flip side I feel no obligation to give any birthfamily money either. And yes their has been those situations also. I am not sure if it was here or not but I recall a story of an adoptee finding her birthfamily and the birthfamily moved in!!!! overstayed their welcome and she was young, niave and didnt have the whereforall to say get out. It almost caused a divorce and caused anxiety for her children. Her heart was broken because her bmother played on her and she felt obligated.

Money causes to many problems, people see didn't value systems attached to it, some see it as a sigh of their sucess and attmept to lord relationships with it, others see it as an entilment for really no reason.

Funny how our emotions can change when money is involved. Keep money out of it and keep it clean. If in fact one party or another wants to leave money , I agree with the person who said they would not tell the other person. It just adds another demension to an already loaded situation.

I am already in my dads will and would never expect to be in anyone elses as a daughter.

loveis, I underestand what you are saying....it really is just the pingin pong of being an adoptee, it happens with some adoptive families also....I have heard where grandparents won't leave anything to an adoptee because they are not blood. Blood doesn't feel the need because we were not raised as their's. Thats why I say..leave money out of it, then we can get to who the real people are.

[Oceans]

JP: I would say do what ever feels right in your heart, but I wouldn't tell him.

[Jo Ellen]

loveis I agree with your thoughts of being called a child and a stranger in the same post. I am an adoptee reunited with my 1st parents now 2 1/2 years. There has been nothing mentioned to me about their wishes of anything they want to leave to me when they are gone. They each have other children from previous marriages and although I don't want anything from them except the things I have given them thus far it would be nice to know they have thought about if / how I fit into this aspect of being in their lives as far as their willl is concerned. All I can say right now is.... it will be interesting to see how things turn out for each of us when the time comes.