[thanksgivingmom]

At 25 I have no will and nothing of any value that I would leave behind. However, if I did have something of value I would have to give a moments pause about leaving it to DD. She's only 18 months and so it would clearly go towards the future - education? Having said that, I wouldn't want to step on the toes of her Mom and her financial planning for their future. It's a trickier situation that just "Oh, I love them I'll leave them money!" There's a strange pressure not to offend as a birthparent in this situation. I can understand the desire of parents to take care of the children they raised financially as they don't have another set of parents to provide for them. Having said that I can see how that could hurt the adoptee...

Thank goodness I *hopefully* have some time to figure this out!

[Oceans]

Just to clarify because I don't want anyones feeling hurt but sometimes our children are strangers.

I am from the closed era and my son is 26 years old. I have never met him, never spoken with him and up until I found him recently (April 9* to be exact), I didn't have a name or know if he was alive. So I can't speak for Paige (altho I think she already clarified) but as a bmom who is not in reunion - my son is both my son and a stranger.... Just as I am both a bmom and a stranger to him. KWIM?

I just feel bad that anyone's feelings are hurt about that.


*BTW: I know I know I said 3 months ago earlier... The wait has made time pass slow!!

[paigeturner]

I called him my son in my post because I don't know his name. If I did, I would have just used his initials. Having said that, he is a stranger to me, to my daughters, to my husband and to the rest of my family. That doesn't mean that someday he won't have a place in our lives...but right now he is an unknown (as we are to him)...and it pains me to say that.

Again, I didn't intend for my words to be hurtful.

[Isabo]

I would like to add, in case I did not make it clear, that I very much considered my son my son and my heir. Legally, the law does not automatically view him as my heir unfortunately, and therefore I have to affirmatively name him in my will if I want him to inherit. It was my complete intention to leave him my entire estate, with the exception of a few things which I would leave to my sisters. I was actually very excited about doing this. I had always intended to name him in my will, but had been concerned about whether I could find him (until he found me). However, things have changed in my reunion. It has become clear to me that my son is unable to have a relationship with me in the face of opposition from his adoptive parents, and he "throws me under the bus" any time it suits his purpose. This rejection of me also comes with vicious verbal or written attacks, which I am supposed to forget completely whenever his attitude changes. I have consistently kept the door open to him, but I am coming to realize that I cannot give him "son" billing in my life (with all the rights and privileges that come with that) if he is not willing to honor and stand up for our relationship. He is much too willing to hurt and attack me. He is an adult, well past the teenage years.

If there comes a time when he truly wants to treat me with love and respect (as I treat him), then he will be entitled to all the rights and benefits of being my son. I believe that your will is about relationships - if my son chooses not to have a relationship with me, then that fact will be reflected in my will. It is his choice, and he can live with the consequences. If I treated my parents like he treats me, then I would fully expect them to leave me a lump of coal as my inheritance - if I deserved even that.

Now, what do you think about the adoptive parents leaving more to their biological children than to their adoptive children? My son's amom told me that they were leaving their house (their primary asset) to their biological son, and that my son would inherit his grandmother's house. Well, grandma has changed the will to another grandchild who has favored status (it appears to be a control issue), and so my son will probably inherit very little from them and the biological son will probably inherit the majority of their estate, unless they change their will.

[dpen6]

Thats what a lot of adoptees have said in terms of meeting "mother". She is a stranger, we are strangers to each other. thats is very much a fact. I have often heard how bmoms feel that that person they are meeting is NOT a stranger, but their child that they gave birth too and need validation of that very thing. That this son/daughter has the ability to "hurt" in many ways.

but when it comes to wills...well then the adopted person IS a stranger, and the raised, bio children come first.

I trully do understand that point of view, as a matter of fact I have lived it. I would definently step aside for the raised children, as I said, my dad (adoptive) will be leaving us money. Rightly so, as I am ghis legel heir.

Isabo, maybe you should attempt to remove the "son" aspect of your relationship and stop and think if you would allow nasty behavior from anyone else.
In terms of of will, I would not wait for him to shape up, just make a will to leave to charity. Then he won't have to live "up to being your son" and can just be himself....sadly if thats an angry self .well its his job to fix that and come to terms with whatever is making him angry.

[gigglessa]

I just wanted to clarify.
I wasn't actually talking about just a will. My bmom has nothing if anything I want to help her with $$.
What I meant is that, sometimes it seems that in reunion, many times the adoptee has to settle for less in compared to the raised kids. Not always, as I have read here of some raised children who feel left out.
I don't know how to phrase it, but all that I have read, and all that I am going through, makes it seem as if the adoptee is loved and missed, but still on the outside looking in...just like SOME adoptees felt in the adopted family..or rather, that is my experience.

[keds]

Geez, I'm having a hard time posting lately! I thought I had responded but nothing here! Anyway, as soon as I had my bson's info I changed my will. I have always felt that he was as much a part of my family as my raised daughters and, whether we reunited or not, they would find him and he would receive his portion of my estate (don't get me wrong, we're no Rockefellers here). I did explain to my raised kids, so they wouldn't be surprised, and they understand completely. My life insurance beneficiaries were changed as well - all will be divided equally as they all share in my heart.

[loveajax]

This has been an interesting thread for me to read....because my husband recently contacted his birth mom but has not heard back from her.

I can say honestly, no matter what relationship (if ever) they form, I know he would expect NOTHING from her (she parented four other siblings and placed another for adoption). But when he was contacting her (he is 42 now), I thought: "would she think he was looking for something financially?" and even: "would his birth sibs think that?"

I asked my parents if they talked to their lawyer about DD (who is also adopted). I did not want to "presume" anything, but I know some states are wonky/wills are wonky about leaving money to "blood" relatives. My parents said they talked and it is "all set" (again, I wouldn't care if my parents wanted to leave all their money to charity, or any of my sibs, etc. I just knew that they would be hurt if DD was ever negatively affected simply by being adopted).

The reality is in adoption that in every legal matter a kid is considered to be a kid of their legal parents. Some kids may have adoptive parents who are poor or loaded, or birth parents who are poor or loaded. I personally think every person has the right to decide to whom they leave an inheritance. I also think (from personal experience) people "expect" things just by virtue of being "family," and my personal philosophy is you are entitled only to what you earn for yourself.

I saw an article about a kid who was adopted who sued because his grandpa (birth) made a mint and said that he had no right to be "excluded." That personally made me annoyed, I don't know why (obviously I am not in that situation).

[keds]

loveajax - I do hope your husband hears from his mom soon. I never thought for one moment that my bson contacting me had anything to do with "financial reward".

I have to say that I have prayed and "talked" to him over the years and that is why he may have felt the need to find me (at least I tell myself that I had something to do with it because I didn't feel it was my place to find him). In any event, there may be a few who are searching for a quick buck but, in my experience, and from others I honestly think it's the emotional connection that draws us back together.

For me, my bson is very successful and his aparents are much better off then I ever will be but I have always felt that my children will all share equally in my love and my puny leavings. Hopefully, the love part will mean more to all of them! Best wishes!

[loveajax]

Thank you, Keds!! What a sweet post!

Of course, easy for me to say, I was hoping he was a Rockerfeller by birth!! haha.

[austin0i]

Another adoptee’s opinion here….

I am in reunion with my mother and have never had a minute’s thought about money of any kind.

What I “need” from my mom is her love and acceptance. I need a relationship with her. An emotional connection. That is all I will ever want.

I am taken care of in my parents will and expect my natural mother to name her raised children as her sole heirs.

There is another wrinkle to this.

If my parents knew that I was heir in any will, other than theirs, that would be very upsetting to them. They take care of their children. They feel very strongly about this and I would never want to do anything that disrespects their feelings on this issue. My parents were “all in” from the day they picked me up from the Children’s Home Society and that continues in death as well.

I have not had this conversation with my natural mom and if it should ever come up, I will tell her to leave her estate to her raised children. (In a very loving way of course, cuz I love the "begebbies" out of her :-) )

The only thing I would ever want from my natural mother is something to remember her…a piece of her favorite jewelry or whatever. Just something to hold on too...but not money.

K

[belleinblue1978]

My first mom has refused contact with me, but even at that I would have NEVER expected to be included in her will.

I grew up in a state with wonky estate laws so everyone was really careful about their wills. My parent's lawyer has to hate them.... include two adopted children and your adopted daughter's placed son. I'm guessing he had to do some reading up, lol.

[shadow riderer]

Another reunited adoptee here...I think it would be a personal decision.
My Bdad, upon our first face to face, started talking about wanting my SS# so he could change his will. I was quite offended by his mention of it. I ignored all his references and he soon dropped the subject. Shortly after he told me he had taken out a life insurance policy and made me the beneficiary, but he didn't want anyone else to know he had done it. I was a little torn by this. On one hand it was nice of him to think of me. On the other, I was a little angry. I have way too much pride. I did not contact him because I wanted anything other than to know him, my Bfather. He was always bringing up things about when he is gone and the will, bla, bla, until I finally got really angry with him and told him I didn't care and didn't want to hear anymore about his death or his silly will. Maybe it was a guy thing, but give me a break.


I think it's kind of funny because he and his wife talked such a big story about how well off they were. Seeing that things weren't adding up, no punn intended, and it being abit of an occupational hazard, my curiosity got the better of me. Sometimes I am worse than a cat. Anyway, in my occupation, I sort of have access to certain things, so I did some research. Nearest I can tell, he isn't exactly as well off as his wife and her offspring think, and my guess is that the only person who wont be disappointed about what they get upon his death, is me. I have no proof, but I would be surprised if there was really a life insurance policy, and right now, considering the state of my relationship with him, well, I would hate to think of were I might want to stick that policy. Hmmm, guess I'm still a little miffed about the whole thing.

My Bmom gave me a dining table and chairs made by my Bgrandfather. When I'm gone it goes to my Bsis or Bbro. I expect nothing else from her, and there again, most of what she will have will be sentimental things that belong to my Bsibs not me. They have the history with her and her belongings. I don't.

My Afather passed about 4 years ago. His family, excluding my Amom, me, and my Abro, all seemed to be under the impression that he had money and other things of value. Interesting thing is, he didn't. They flocked in like volchers and went home hungry. It cost me mega bucks and two years of heck, to get his estate straightened out because he did not have a legal will. I kept telling the volchers he had nothing. You wouldn't believe the crazy things they did trying to get things that didn't exist.

My point, if you don't have a will, get one. The moral, if you expect nothing, you wont be disappointed whenyou get nothing.

P.S. If you want to put your relinquished child in your will, it is your right to do so, but I wouldn't suggest telling them on your first face to face. I found the whole incident with my Bdad very offensive and insulting. I wont say don't tell, just wait a good while before doing so. Let the relationship develop first.

[dpen6]

keds,

That was a very nice post!

[Mockingbird]

loveis,

I do not feel that my son is a stranger. I want to include my son in my will--in my heart and mind he IS my son.

I just never saw any discussion of this before and am wondering what legal complications there are in trying to say that your relinquished child is your child and heir along with your other children (don't know if that made sense), since legally he is not.

I don't know how the adoptive parents feel about it--would I be "stepping on their toes" and "trying to take him back"? My son may feel like he should be in his aparents will, and not mine; but I worry that if he were not included in mine he may feel like that I did not love him as my child and he may feel like I was leaving him again and that he didn't truly belong to me and the rest of his biological family (which LOL, he is so much like!). I'm just trying to get a understanding of how to do this and not insult or hurt anyone. I love my son NEVER want to hurt him.

Originally Posted by loveis

Please do not flame me for what I am going to say, I am having a really hard time this week with adoption and reunion and when I saw this thread I felt like all that I was feeling was just validated here.

So what you are saying is that we are good enough to be called son or daughter, but in the end when it comes down to it we really are "strangers" who you wouldn't think to leave a few dollars to.

My bmom, a few months after we met, said she was going to change her beneficiary to me and I told her she didn't have to. I am not in this relationship to get her money, and really don't want it or feel like I should have it. My parents are well off, she knows that but she still feels like this is what she wants to do. Everyone has to do what is best for them. I guess when I see threads like this it just makes me sad, what are we strangers or your children? Hard to read a thread where in the same paragraph a son is called a stranger.

Please again, just my own thoughts and issues this week and really trying to understand all of this which I don't think I ever will. I don't know who I am suposed to be sometimes, stranger, outsider, acquaintance or daughter??

Remember IMHO, please. Just trying to understand.