[MiniatureRoses]

Only in reunion for approximately 8 months and its been a horrible 8 long months.

This is my first post and I'm scared to put this out there but I need help.

I understand she is angry. Why does she have to take it out on me? One minute she is so loving and kind, then cramming words I say back down my throat. I thought we were trying to work on our reunion together. Get through the pain together. Its one sided anymore.
I've said things like I understand how hurt she is, and she says she is not, then get an email saying how Ive hurt her.

I dont want to return her emails anymore. This is getting so hard to deal with. I know you ladies probably need more information but I just dont have enough time in the day. I'm 49, she's 25. She was relinquished at birth. Her adoptive family has been very opened and giving. She tells me she dont like her family but then sings praises about her father. I'm so confused. I'm emtionally drained.

I will try to come back and finish this. My day is busy but I had to find a place that is private and mostly understands my adoption issues.

I'll post more imformation soon. thanks for any encouraging words.

Rose B.

[MiniatureRoses]

I'm sorry I posted in wrong area.
I'm new and will take a while to get the hang of this. Please move this post to appropriate area if needed.
thank you.

Rose B.

[BrandyHagz]

Rose,

I moved your thread for you

I am sorry you're dealing with such a difficult situation...

[Sun8]

Rose,
Boy what a tuff position to be in. I think i would just have to be plain and simple with her, and ask her does she or does she not want a relationship with you. No one in their right mind will continue a close open relationship with a person who seems to think they can take all their worldy gripes and shove them on you continuously. Be it a friend, bmom, aparent, bro or sis. No one deserves that and no one hangs around for that. Maybe she hasnt thought of this point. Ok granted we adoptees have issues but it sounds like she is putting all her blame for all her issues on you. there may be some issues that you had something to do with but most of them are way past anything to do with you. It sounds like you are most likley her latest dumping grounds for her own pity party and she has a long list of people who were once in the hot seat you are in, they of course have left leaving you alone in that seat. Some people dont want to take resposibility for their emotions or actions, they would rather launch them on another person. They usually will launch them on a person they think loves them as a person who doesnt love them will not take it for over one minute. They also dont realise that those who love them, will do what is best for them by not allowing the disrespect of either party by allowing it to continue for a lengthy time. You love her, she knows that, but she may think that love means a person will put up with anything. Stand your ground and you might think of letting her know you are at the point that you dont even want to see her emails since they are not in any way along the lines of working on a rrelationship but rather a means to dump all over you for things you are not responsible for. If she truly thinks ( are says) all of her anger is stemming from adoption you might add that she needs to see a counselar so she can resolve her issues and become a happy productive person. just my two cents!

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by MiniatureRoses

Only in reunion for approximately 8 months and its been a horrible 8 long months. This is my first post and I'm scared to put this out there but I need help. I understand she is angry. Why does she have to take it out on me? One minute she is so loving and kind, then cramming words I say back down my throat. I thought we were trying to work on our reunion together. Get through the pain together. Its one sided anymore. I've said things like I understand how hurt she is, and she says she is not, then get an email saying how Ive hurt her.

I dont want to return her emails anymore. This is getting so hard to deal with. I know you ladies probably need more information but I just dont have enough time in the day. I'm 49, she's 25. She was relinquished at birth. Her adoptive family has been very opened and giving. She tells me she dont like her family but then sings praises about her father. I'm so confused. I'm emtionally drained. I will try to come back and finish this. My day is busy but I had to find a place that is private and mostly understands my adoption issues.

I'll post more imformation soon. thanks for any encouraging words. Rose B.

I have had dealings with schizophrenia and the reactions above to me, with the limited information you've been able to give at present, seem to amount to normal adoptee emotions upon reunion. Some adoptees are aquiescent and others are just plain hopping mad. You would be well placed to do some reading. If you have such a busy schedule that you don't have time to "vent" on these posts, then the comfort and encouragement you need is going to be very limited. As much as it seems that we bmom's should be able to "walk into a relationship" in reunion, in practise, it is tough. I've had a very tough reunion and my son and I went through nearly a year with explosive reactions to each other. As the bmom I needed to know what the heck was going on. For me, Nancy Verrier had the answers and once I checked out her books the Primal Wound and Coming Home To Self, it made a whole load of sense to me. I would read some of it out to my son and he would say, like yeh, that is it, although not every single thing applied.

The rage inside my son was palpable. Anger? From those professionals that have experience of reunion, they say at least 80% make their bmom's "pay" for relinquishing them. They see it as abandonment and that hurts any bmom as we had reasons. But things changed for me and my son when I acknowledged his pain. My reasons for giving him up were like most bmom's but it still does a bmom in good stead in reunion if she would say "I'm sorry my decision to have you adopted caused you so much pain" but then NOT go on to say "but it was because....". Just acknowledge the pain that your child has gone through with being raised without you.

I would encourage you first to go to Nancy Verrier so as to get a brief synopsis as to what an adoptee, bmother and adoptive parents go through in adoption. My counsellor said that out of daughters and sons, in her experience it was the sons that "emotionally beat up their bmothers something chronic". You are being tested. Big time. Your child needs to know you are going to stick around. Only the Primal Wound (book) can explain satisfactorily what is going on (in my opinion).

Yes what is happening is hurtful to say the very least, but it does come across as your adult child showing their inner child that has been screaming out since you left the scene - where were you mom? IF your diagnosis is correct and there is schizophrenia on top of that, then you are faced with a tough decision. You have to deal with both the primal wound that is screaming out and the distress that your daughter is going through of having to cope with one of the most distressing mental illnesses going. The drugs that medicated schizophrenics are on makes their life **** and its no joke.

There is plenty of support here for you. I couldn't have and still can't function without the support on this forum. If you would like further information about dealing with schizophrenia, then PM me, I can put you in touch with people that can seriously help. If you need to step back and set limits with your daughter, then perhaps now is the time to ask how to do it.

After nearly a year of such behaviour from my son (in his case the phone) - I left him with the option of email but not the phone. I changed my phone number and left him with only email as a means of communication. At one time (but only for a few days when he really went to town on me) I said don't bother emailing, as i've got the "automatic delete button" switched on to any email with your address on. yeh, it was tough. Still is, but it has levelled out enormously after the testing behaviour and the discipline and the reassurance that I loved him, but his behaviour was NOT acceptable.

Keep posting. PM me for more support if you feel up to it.

[MiniatureRoses]

How come the words "pity party" makes me feel better? Yes you hit it on the head! That's what I feel is happening.

She is like a wounded dog that will bite if you come near it, but has to go off and lick its own wounds.

I have forgave myself for what I did 25 years ago. Why can't she.

Its trying my emotions, the ones call love.
I've read the honeymoon stage. We were there at one time. Things seemed normal. I feel like I triggered something in her. I cross examine everything I write, in fear that I will set her off. It wasn't like that in the beginning. I feel bad calling her negative names! How could I just come out and ask her parents if she's had any counseling? I'd feel like I was interfering. And if she found out I asked! I'd catch all heck!

I'm not a sounding block or a punching bag. I want to scream "where did this come from!"

My understandings are she was raised with all the things a young lady would want. She has a good job, engaged, and has a large family.(God help her fiance') She said her childhood was normal. Dogs, cats, prom, talent shows. At first she gave me good stories. I enjoyed them and it gave me relief. I know you bmoms know what I'm saying.
Then she comes off with how Stupid her parents are. Where did this come from? But she is a daddy's girl. But he never showed her love that she "needed".
This is so confusing to me. I don't know to be happy or angry. I don't know what is fact or fiction!

I ignored some of the strange behaviors. Every email or card/letter would remain pleasant. I wouldn't address things she would speak negatively of. I wasn't trying to ignore her feelings but not give her power if that makes sense. If you gave a little "I'm sorry you feel that way", I get an angry "You don't know how I feel! You weren't adopted" or "you weren't given away".
She's 25 yrs old! Acting like a spoiled 5 yr old. I'm too old for this crap!

I think I should step back and give us the proverbial break.
I'd rather run, and like Jannyroo change my number!

I am rambling and sound confusing even to myself. This is where this relationship has left me, feeling utterly confused and helpless and internally screaming!

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by MiniatureRoses

How come the words "pity party" makes me feel better? Yes you hit it on the head! That's what I feel is happening. She is like a wounded dog that will bite if you come near it, but has to go off and lick its own wounds. I have forgave myself for what I did 25 years ago. Why can't she. Its trying my emotions, the ones call love.

I've read the honeymoon stage. We were there at one time. Things seemed normal. I feel like I triggered something in her. I cross examine everything I write, in fear that I will set her off. It wasn't like that in the beginning. I feel bad calling her negative names! How could I just come out and ask her parents if she's had any counseling? I'd feel like I was interfering. And if she found out I asked! I'd catch all heck! I'm not a sounding block or a punching bag. I want to scream "where did this come from!"

My understandings are she was raised with all the things a young lady would want. She has a good job, engaged, and has a large family.(God help her fiance') She said her childhood was normal. Dogs, cats, prom, talent shows. At first she gave me good stories. I enjoyed them and it gave me relief. I know you bmoms know what I'm saying. Then she comes off with how Stupid her parents are. Where did this come from? But she is a daddy's girl. But he never showed her love that she "needed". This is so confusing to me. I don't know to be happy or angry. I don't know what is fact or fiction!

I ignored some of the strange behaviors. Every email or card/letter would remain pleasant. I wouldn't address things she would speak negatively of. I wasn't trying to ignore her feelings but not give her power if that makes sense. If you gave a little "I'm sorry you feel that way", I get an angry "You don't know how I feel! You weren't adopted" or "you weren't given away". She's 25 yrs old! Acting like a spoiled 5 yr old. I'm too old for this crap!

I think I should step back and give us the proverbial break. I'd rather run, and like Jannyroo change my number! I am rambling and sound confusing even to myself. This is where this relationship has left me, feeling utterly confused and helpless and internally screaming!

I still feel that you need to get a grip on this situation and realise that your daughter's adoption caused her a lot of pain and this is what she is discharging. I feel you are showing surface reactions to your daughter who needs her pain acknowledged. You need to have much more insight into what is happening and why. My last post gave you directions in which to get this insight.

What you see is only the outside of your daughter rather than the inner conflicting emotions and you are saying to yourself is "why this", "why me" "why can't she."... well she can't. Emotionally she has broken legs. Thats what adoption does to a lot of children, now adults. They are adults only in age, emotionally they are still paralysed with their loss - you were that loss. The being raised without you has brought enormous pain to your daughter (and my son too) and it doesn't fit what we'd hoped for. We too as bmom's went through the pain of giving our children up and hoped they'd be "happy". Well you are now finding the result of that lie we were told all those years ago. Adoption was not the happy answer we thought it would be. It has brought its own complex problems, and they are more complex for the adoptee because they have grown up with no sense of self and no sense of identity.

She comes across to me as a 25 year old with an inner child that is screaming in the pain that adoption has brought her. I've said it on other posts, but what you are asking from your daughter (to behave, be pleasant etc) is not possible - emotionally it is like having broken legs and you are asking her to "get up" (sort yourself out, why don't you understand, etc) and she can't. .

Many of us bmoms find our children in emotional pain and very very angry.

I wasn't mentioning the books by Nancy Verrier for nothing. You can turn tail and run but it won't make you feel any better and it is well known in adoption circles that your daughter will feel rejected for the second time in her life and she will be devastated. You are confused? heck the child you find before you needs you to understand what is going on and take the reins.

Take a step back for a minute. Get hold of the Nancy Verrier books- try to glean the insight - it is so valuable - talk to the woman herself if you need to she has an email address. My son calmed down completely once I was able to show him that I knew and felt his pain and acknowledged it. That I understood his issues and that I was there for him to the best of my ability as he works through it (if he can). The results are worth it, but it is a tough journey. The most important step though with this raging young man was for me to say "sorry". I"m sorry my decision to have you adopted has caused you so much pain. You know your reasons, your daughter intellectually knows your reasons, but the child that feels abandoned (and all adoptees do, whether they say so or not) only knows its pain of being without you all that time and needs you to respond to the inner child. If you cannot grasp that fact, you will get absolutely nowhere in this reunion and you will both end up like scalded cats wondering what on earth went wrong.

Can you tell me, honestly, what did you expect with reunion? I know I had rose tinted glasses and boy did they come off with a vengeance. When the real emotions came through (and it was an awful lot quicker than 8 months) it knocked me sideways, so whilst I am asking you to get a grip on this situation, I really do understand how puzzling this is to you, it was to me.

Pity party? who said that? That doesn't show much insight into what is going on, although until I was more informed, I have to admit I was one of those people who thought the same of my son. Like you, I just had no idea what the heck was going on. Roll on some time and researching Verrier books (only 2, so you don't need to go any further if you want the understanding and insight, like now) and venting like mad on this forum and things came to light and things started calming down as I gave more appropriate responses to my son's anger. I would admit when I'd gotten it wrong to him and ask for forgiveness when needed. Its very much a try it and see. Anger usually comes from pain, so try to envisage your daughter as a cat in a trap. You wouldn't expect gratitude from a cat from being rescued, why would it? Firstly its in a trap and secondly its bleeding and in pain. The analogy to your daughter is that the trap is her emotions and in adoption, a situation she never asked for and had no say in and the bleeding and in pain is the defense mechanisms brought about by her loss of identity and the pain of being raised with no sense of who she really is and the pain of not having you raise her. Not nice? No, it blew me away. But adoption is not the happy ever ending story that we were all fed all those decades ago.

I've already mentioned that adoptees can feel crucified by growing up with no sense of identity. It doesn't matter that the aparents were kind, considerate, gave them a good home etc, your daughter grew up without YOU in her life and her reactions are manifesting itself as the defense mechanisms and what you are so completely thrown by. Your daughter needs to work through her anger and yes, you are not a punchbag, and you need to set up boundaries, but doing that lovingly may prove a challenge to you. She needs some counselling to help her (and it has to be an adoption counsellor an ordinary counsellor won't "get it") and you also need some understanding of what is going on too.

I get to feeling that you are not able to take anything on board other than to give up at this stage. That would be a shame. Your daughter needs you to be a parent, a reassuring, loving parent and that includes the tough stuff too. Why have you called her names? Are you surprised that she is lashing out in pain, when that pain of being without you has been in her heart all these years?

I'm not sure that what I'm saying is what you want to hear, in fact I get the feeling that you neither have the time or inclination to learn what is going wrong. Reunion is tough and I've been through a particularly tough reunion and your daughter is showing the same reactions. It would be a shame if you didn't try and stand back and see that you have need of counselling and so do she, do work through your issues, but not with each other. You are both wounded.

The fact that you say that you have forgiven yourself for what happened 25 years ago why can't she? shows you don't have the insight into what has been going on in your childs heart all these years. For your daughter its the inner child that is crying out. She was heartbroken when you left her for adoption. Babies know that the woman picking it up is not its mother. You need that insight. All us bmom's do. I hope you decide to spend more time gleaning all you need to know. Yes, your daughter may be a "Pity party" but you are there too. You both need to show empathy, kindness and understanding, but its easier said than done when the reunion is so challenging. But the most important thing is that you acknowledge your daughters inner pain. She can't acknowledge yours. Why? because you are the parent and parents don't dump their pain on their children. One way street? Certainly. Not fair? ditto.

My son was a "wounded dog" and 18 months on, he is calmer and there are definite improvements but it wouldn't have been achieved if I was still where you find yourself at the minute (and I have been there, believe me) and we now have a good thing going. I'm only saying this to reassure you that it is possible to change this around for you with your daughter. You need a support group for help and its here on these forums. You can vent and scream and shout "its not fair" and its ok, we understand where you are coming from. But at the minute, your daughter needs you to understand where she is coming from. You are fortunate in that she has spelled it out to you, albeit in no uncertain terms. If my son had been one of the quiet acquiescent adoptees, I would never have figured out what was going on, or indeed that there was problems in the "paradise" that adoption is presented as.

I wrote my last post very carefully, Please do have another go at trying to see what is in it that will help you. I have a feeling that you won't. That again would be a shame.

[MiniatureRoses]

I am angry and have the right to vent, please don't tell me to get a grip. I may have laid this out for all to see but no one knows the whole story. Give me time to spell it out before you tell me what to do. Ive not given every detail yet. I have been given direction and at 49 I don't think I need to be lead by the hand.

I have a niece that was adopted and she is wonderful. Articulate, just a pleasure to be with. Not all adoptees have broken legs wondering around like wounded cats. I have spoke with her for years and she has never felt ill towards her birth-parents. I am very close to her due to our adoption connections. Even just browsing the boards, there are some that seem to have adjusted and grown from the adoption reunion or experience, they feel whole, wounds healed, the empty filled.

I went in with no expectations. I wanted to give her information she needed for medical reasons, ones already on file for her. She asked for more. She is the one who involved herself, but I never turned my back on her, NEVER! I've not told her how I feel because I would never hurt her. I do let her know that what she says hurts me. I am not afraid to speak up, I not longer take crap off anyone. But I try my best to not be cruel to her. I may have my breaking point today.

Her amom says she was a happy baby. She was especially close to her father. A real daddy's girl, this is from her mother's lips. This is why I don't understand the anger now or the punishment I am receiving. I understand she may be testing me, seeing if I will stick around and I will as far as possible but even the professionals will tell you not to take the abuse. I don't think having a time-out is asking for much.

Pity party was quoted from Sun8.

Let me give you some background on this situation.
My daughter was a product of rape, gang rape.
I went out with a young man and drank too much. I pasted out during the forced sex. We were at a party. I know it was gang rape because when I awoke, my stomach had been signed by 5 stupid boys. Lude awful comments on my gut! The result an unwanted pregnancy. I should have had an abortion. It went unreported as a lot of rapes do. I lived through pain, shame, guilt for being in a situation I had no business being in. I stayed with family out of state and returned after her birth. Her adoption was handled by a lawyer, a family friend. I knew of the family that adopted her. I didn't have the grief maybe that some ladies have. I didn't resent the child. But I didn't want to raise her. Someone else wanted her and that made me very happy, no lies were told to me. I knew the risks of adoption.
I have forgave myself and have moved past the situation.
So for someone to tell me what to do or how to feel now is a little annoying. I want incite. From an angry adoptee who found peace. Or someone who had dealt and succeeded with this issue.

Suggesting a book is fine but don't patronize me. You make it sound like if I don't follow your direction I will not find what I am looking for. I came for personal experiences. I've read books till my eyes are crossed. You want to give advice that is fine, but don't start quoting lines from Shakespeare!

I have told my daughter over and over again how much I know she hurts, especially when she is on a rampage.
I've tried to ease any pain she has. I have done everything I thought was possible. I have acknowledged her pain. I realise her pain. But for a 25yr old, she either needs to grow up and understand I'm not here to take any abuse. Cuddling her and boohooing her isn't working. She is head strong. I think she is mentally ill or trying to make me ill.

She has never been told how she was conceived. I made myself out to be a wild young lady who didn't know who her father was. I put shame on my own name for her sake. When she asks who her father is, I shrug and say "It could be anybody". Maybe she hates me for being a whore or not being able to give her a name but would the truth be any better for her. How could she handle it, she can't handle anything I tell her anymore. I'm afraid to speak when I answer the phone.

God where did this sweet young lady go that I just met only months ago. I think someone switched bodies!

I am so irritated today. I suppose I was expecting someone to tell what I was doing was fine. I was doing everything right and it wasn't my fault. I was coming into this with too many expectations, message boards may not be where I want to be. I don't want to be dissected and examined by those who don't know me or the complete situation.
If I wanted that I would pay for a professional.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by MiniatureRoses

I am angry and have the right to vent, please don't tell me to get a grip. I may have laid this out for all to see but no one knows the whole story. Give me time to spell it out before you tell me what to do. Ive not given every detail yet. I have been given direction and at 49 I don't think I need to be lead by the hand.

I have a niece that was adopted and she is wonderful. Articulate, just a pleasure to be with. Not all adoptees have broken legs wondering around like wounded cats. I have spoke with her for years and she has never felt ill towards her birth-parents. I am very close to her due to our adoption connections. Even just browsing the boards, there are some that seem to have adjusted and grown from the adoption reunion or experience, they feel whole, wounds healed, the empty filled.

I went in with no expectations. I wanted to give her information she needed for medical reasons, ones already on file for her. She asked for more. She is the one who involved herself, but I never turned my back on her, NEVER! I've not told her how I feel because I would never hurt her. I do let her know that what she says hurts me. I am not afraid to speak up, I not longer take crap off anyone. But I try my best to not be cruel to her. I may have my breaking point today.

Her amom says she was a happy baby. She was especially close to her father. A real daddy's girl, this is from her mother's lips. This is why I don't understand the anger now or the punishment I am receiving. I understand she may be testing me, seeing if I will stick around and I will as far as possible but even the professionals will tell you not to take the abuse. I don't think having a time-out is asking for much.

Pity party was quoted from Sun8.

Let me give you some background on this situation.
My daughter was a product of rape, gang rape.
I went out with a young man and drank too much. I pasted out during the forced sex. We were at a party. I know it was gang rape because when I awoke, my stomach had been signed by 5 stupid boys. Lude awful comments on my gut! The result an unwanted pregnancy. I should have had an abortion. It went unreported as a lot of rapes do. I lived through pain, shame, guilt for being in a situation I had no business being in. I stayed with family out of state and returned after her birth. Her adoption was handled by a lawyer, a family friend. I knew of the family that adopted her. I didn't have the grief maybe that some ladies have. I didn't resent the child. But I didn't want to raise her. Someone else wanted her and that made me very happy, no lies were told to me. I knew the risks of adoption.
I have forgave myself and have moved past the situation.
So for someone to tell me what to do or how to feel now is a little annoying. I want incite. From an angry adoptee who found peace. Or someone who had dealt and succeeded with this issue.

Suggesting a book is fine but don't patronize me. You make it sound like if I don't follow your direction I will not find what I am looking for. I came for personal experiences. I've read books till my eyes are crossed. You want to give advice that is fine, but don't start quoting lines from Shakespeare!

I have told my daughter over and over again how much I know she hurts, especially when she is on a rampage.
I've tried to ease any pain she has. I have done everything I thought was possible. I have acknowledged her pain. I realise her pain. But for a 25yr old, she either needs to grow up and understand I'm not here to take any abuse. Cuddling her and boohooing her isn't working. She is head strong. I think she is mentally ill or trying to make me ill.

She has never been told how she was conceived. I made myself out to be a wild young lady who didn't know who her father was. I put shame on my own name for her sake. When she asks who her father is, I shrug and say "It could be anybody". Maybe she hates me for being a whore or not being able to give her a name but would the truth be any better for her. How could she handle it, she can't handle anything I tell her anymore. I'm afraid to speak when I answer the phone.

God where did this sweet young lady go that I just met only months ago. I think someone switched bodies!

I am so irritated today. I suppose I was expecting someone to tell what I was doing was fine. I was doing everything right and it wasn't my fault. I was coming into this with too many expectations, message boards may not be where I want to be. I don't want to be dissected and examined by those who don't know me or the complete situation.
If I wanted that I would pay for a professional.

I'm truly sorry that my posts have made you so angry. What you have been through has been terrible. I can't put it into words and I'm now afraid to. Most adoptees would relate to what I've written. You are comparing your daughter to someone that is a well adjusted adoptee when she is not. Like you she has explosive emotions. I don't think that I should offer any more suggestions regarding your daughter's pain because I honestly don't think you want to take on board what she is going through. She may be in pain, but you are in dire agony. What a terrible thing for you to have to go through.

The experience I've had has been with my son, his behaviour is very similar to your daughters. We are working through a tough reunion and I was attempting to share the breakthrough I had with him with you. I sensed the undercurrent of something underlying and sure enough it exploded as above. I felt you were resisting what I was trying to share, as if my experience with my son met with "how dare you who do you think you are". You have a measuring line and what I said didn't measure against what you wanted to hear. I can see your daughters pain, its very similar to my sons, but I can also see that the pain you have is making it virtually impossible to see further, I get the impression you don't want to and I get to feeling that what you have been through has paralysed and caused terrible trauma and that could well be why you can't connect to your daughters - you have enough of your own, too much.

I do feel choked up with what I read above. Its a terrible thing you went through. Words are useless. I'm sorry that my efforts to show some insight into a similar reaction from my son, something that totally puzzled me last year the way it does you with your daughter has been met with such aggression. I don't see any purpose in making any further comment, I'm half afraid you'll chew my head off.

[Sun8]

Pity Party... yup that was my saying, from my perpective as an adoptee who thought her family would be gone when she got home from school till she was 8 years old, who was beat by adad, had wads of hair ripped out, walked on eggs shells and tried to be the perfect kid so she wouldnt be given away again, who had to watch as birth brother was beaten, hit, kicked and whipped could cook a full course meal at 8 years old because mom was on too many doctor prescribed drugs and the one at 15 years old that had to be the adult in the family because parents were paralysed because of my brother being murdered...guilt carries alot of pain. oh and.. found Bmom.. who wants nothing to do with me!Rejected. i do actually have 2 good legs on which i ski on, do ballet, windsurf and run. and i dont chalk up every bad behavior on my being adopted. I know who I am, always have. Hard for me to have an identity crisis when i can see me in a mirror. So from my perspective, some are doing a pity party thing using their adoption to their advantage and an excuse for many things..i have a relative who did it, i am well aware of the tactics.

[keds]

Here's my 2 cents. I admire you for taking it on yourself not to hurt your daughter further by explaining what truly happened but maybe it is something that she needs to know and you need to share. Is it possible that she somehow is aware that there is more to your story? I don't know as I can't imagine all that you have endured and can't possibly understand how you've managed to hold it together all these years. I think a timeout isn't such a bad idea given all that you've shared but I think you have to be sure she knows exactly why - nobody should have to put up with the nonsense you've detailed. I am fortunate that my bson appears to be one of the adoptees that you describe as being "whole" so it is difficult for me to relate sometimes. I have shared posts with others who have similar experiences to yours, with respect to the anger towards them by their bchild and they are just trying to help with their advice but I have, at times, not wanted any - even though I posted on the forums! Sometimes you do just want a little reassurance that you are doing fine and nothing else. Given what you've been through if you get up each day I think you're doing great. We all are posting on the site from our own unique experiences and perspectives so it is difficult sometimes to leave our own feelings and thoughts behind and recognize that we might not have the whole picture or, want to share it! I do hope you can find some peace and if it means you are out of touch for a period of time, it may be the best for both of you. No matter what your numerical age is some people never grow up until forced to do so. I think I was one of them. At 45 I am just realizing that the world does not revolve around me and my problems. I think being reunited with my bson has opened my eyes to how focused I was on the past, specifically his adoption, and how that affected all of my relationships and decisions. Take care and please don't give up on the forums, I can tell you that the people here have truly made a wonderful difference in my life and outlook.

((hugs))

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by MiniatureRoses

I understand she is angry. Why does she have to take it out on me?

Hello Rose..

I am so sorry you are going through this..
Please don't stop posting here..

Jackie