[Mockingbird]

My adult (37) son recently located me and called the day before Thanksgiving. I was in total shock--but we talked for a bit. I had company (in-laws) visiting and said I would call him back. I called back five days later when the house was cleared and we have talked a half-dozen times since then. I have sent him pictures of me and of the family. He sent me some pictures of himself.

I have always held this vision that he went to a wonderful home with parents who would love him and give him a better life than I could have at that time. I found out that some bad things happened and he has had some problems and now my heart is breaking over that and for relinquishing him. I cry over that.

I have been having anxiety attacks and problems sleeping. I want to hear from him; I want to know all about him. I worry about him. He is constantly on my mind. I would like to have a relationship with him--he has said that he wants to meet me. I feel like a mother feels about her child--but what kind of role am I supposed to have? Can I hug him and kiss him or should I shake his hand?

I'm afraid that I might be pushing him; I'm afraid that if I get emotionally involved (which has already started happening) he may decide that he doesn't actually want me in his life; I'm afraid of telling him how I feel because he might think I am crazy; I'm afraid of saying and doing the wrong thing.

[josh1788smom]

Welcome to the roller coaster of reunion!! I would say - follow your heart. He searched for you. He may pull back at some point, but he is a grown man at 37, and so he should be more ready to deal with the reunion. Good luck to you!!! and Congratulations!

[keds]

Mockingbird - great! I've just gone through everything you are feeling and it is unbelievable that I survived! The self-doubt, obsessive (no other word fits) thoughts about him, his family, etc. My best advice, let him lead you - I am fortunate that my bson was older too, at 25, and he hasn't opened up on all accounts yet - says he's had a good life - but as time goes by and we get more comfortable with each other that may happen. I did hug him (I did sit on my hands for the entire first meeting) goodbye and now I decide if it's appropriate to hug him hello/goodbye - that's the type of person I am but if we're in a busy place not so much.

Anyway, I talked way too much at first so I'm listening real hard now to see if there is anything I should be doing differently. The good thing - he wants to meet you! I always say if it ended tomorrow I could live with the memories of meeting him and seeing photos, talking with him but, of course, I would prefer to keep some form of communication and have the occasional visit. To be realistic both my husband and myself only see our parents once a month or so therefore I can't expect more than that of him.

Best of luck and if you need a sounding board, feel free to PM me. Keep posting, it helps. Patience is a four letter word but it is the key to success!

[Mockingbird]

Thank you both--I guess I'm normal! Thanks for the advice--I'll post again after the next step.

[Jackiejdajda]

Mockingbird wrote

I'm afraid that I might be pushing him; I'm afraid that if I get emotionally involved (which has already started happening) he may decide that he doesn't actually want me in his life; I'm afraid of telling him how I feel because he might think I am crazy; I'm afraid of saying and doing the wrong thing.

I say stay out of the negative thinking.. If it starts up tell yourself to stop it..
If your mind is going around and around in negativity you may miss the subtle clues your birthson is putting out..

Stay in the moment.. pay attention..
Know you can not change what happened.. You can not go back and change a single thing.. What has happened has happened..
All you can do is right now..

And know you have the rest of your life to sort this..


Jackie

[Mockingbird]

w00t! My son called last night and we talked for almost three hours! It is so wonderful to learn about him--what he was like growing up; what he's interested in; what his life is like now. I felt like I was still high when I woke up this morning.

In an earlier conversation, he asked me about his father (as none was listed on the birth certificate). His father was a very nice looking, person but was abusive, manipulative, and just not a very nice person with me. I'm pretty sure that he was into drugs (but I was a few years younger than him and very stupidly naive, so I didn't realize it then) and also was engaged to another girl (in another town) at the same time as he was engaged to me. I was afraid of this person for quite some time after I broke it off with him.

One one hand, I feel strongly that my son has the right to know who his father is; but on the other hand, I fear that since my son has had some emotional problems, if this man is still the same person, he could do serious harm to my son emotionally. I am praying that he has changed and become a better person. I have told my son only what I have written above. No matter how I feel about his father--it's up to him to decide what he feels, so I don't want to taint his impressions with my history. I know I will eventually give him the information--I have told him that I definitely would, but asked him to give me a little bit of time. Am I being too selfish to want to get to know him and meet him before I give him this information? Does anyone have advice on how to handle this?

[mlassi]

There are online services where you can do a background check on someone. That could help. Also knowing a name doesnt mean he will make contact. You can find out a lot about someone without directly talking with them.

[txrnr]

Mockingbird,

I'm glad you had such a great talk with your son! I hope they only get better!!

My advice comes from the perspective of an adoptee. Your son is 37. He has as much right to know his father as he does you. I completely understand that you want to protect him, and to keep him to yourself a bit. I can truly see why that would be important to you. That being said, for me, part of being adopted and considering reunion is getting all the pieces of the puzzle, and I'd want to know who my father is. That includes the negative information too, but I'd still want to know. I hope he gives you time. I think as adoptees we need to respect that these questions may bring up bad memories and we need to let you deal with the question. However; bdad is half of the equation, and I wouldn't want to wait long. I'm 40,and perfectly capable of taking what information I have and deciding what to do with it.

Good luck, and my advice may not be what's right for your situation. I imagine whatever you do you will do out of love, and most of the time, you can't go wrong there!

[keds]

Hi Mockingbird, I married the bdad but that doesn't mean we've had it easy! My husband can't face the emotions of meeting our bson (partially due to his family) but I am making sure that he knows that it isn't about him - it's about their family problems! IMO he has the right to know him and make his own decision on whether or not he wants a relationship with his bdad. At the same time, I think you have the right to protect him to some degree but at the same time I know from experience that you don't want to get stuck in the "middle". As txrnr said - just because he has his name doesn't mean he will contact him! All the best!

[SuddenlySusan]

Hi, Mockingbird...

I'm in reunion with my 36 y/o son, for over 10 months now. I told him the basics, pretty much like you have. I provided his bdad's name, and he has photocopies from the high school year book (those are the only pics we could provide). I told him that I would help to search; in fact, I feel an obligation to help. However, my son has not taken me up on my offer, and I do not think he has searched.

I can only speak for myself, but I would help my son search if that is what he wanted. I don't know what he (or we) would find, but I think he has a right to know. Whether he exercises that right is up to him.

Best wishes,
Susan

[susieloo]

I so relate to your your feelings about bringing in bdad mocking bird...esp if he still unstable, but I think it is a must. This is not about us and how we feel, ( I guess it never was eh?), its about doing the best for our children.
My bdaughter met her bdad a year ago, her and I have nearly known each other for 11yrs.
Last month I had to sit beside him for three days at a huge sporting event to watch her play. OMG it was hard work. I just wanted him to go away. But as i said to amum, who had to sit by her estranged husband for the first time in 6yrs..." The things we do for love"
Us birthmums gave birth to these children. We carried them for 9months and nurtured them in our wombs. We sufferred the pain of delivery and loss first hand. Our breasts filled with milk for a child that was not there and we bled! It is natural we feel this way...hell I have tears running down my face as I write this!!!!!
Your son does need to know!
Susie

[Mockingbird]

I finally put my feelings into an email to him. I told him how I was so stressed (enough to lose weight and sleep), wanting to hear from him and all about him; thinking about him day and night. I didn't feel like I could say these things out loud; but I wrote him. To my surprise he called and told me he was having the same feelings! I am feeling less stressed now and a bit calmer.

While my husband hasn't said much except that he supposed this (my son finding me) would happen sooner or later, I think he may be starting to feel jealous. He seemed annoyed after my last phone conversation with my son. He can't seem to understand what we could talk about for several hours. (I feel like I could talk to him for 24 hours! My heart just thrills at the sound of his voice.) Has anyone else had this reaction from your spouse?

I am planning to tell my daughters (1 married; 1 in h.s.) about him soon (probably within the next week and a half). I'm not quite sure how to go about this--should they be together or separate? How should I preface it?

[kune]

mockingbird

Whew....that's never easy telling your kids. I too had kept bson a secret and needed to be open and honest. I suggest you start with something like......"I have something to tell you that I wished I had told you years ago. When I was .........I had a child that I placed for adoption. He has been in contact with me and..........

I know its not easy. My eldest son found it really hard to accept I had kept something from him that was his....(an older brother) and took months to get over his disappointment but with time was able to understand that his half-brother wasn't taking his place as oldest child, but instead was a welcome addition to the family mix.

((Hugs)) and best wishes with your reunion. Take it slow - take your time with all three - and I hope you have many memorable moments to celebrate together.

ps. I am sure Hubby will realise that this early uphoria doesn't detract from your relationship with him and life (and your emotions) will settle down soon.

Ann

[kune]

Mmmmm Birthdads. Initally I gave my bson the details and he didn't search. Instead he asked me to find him. Although a little reluctant, I wrote a letter to the address I had (explaining that I hoped this recipient would be the right person) and they have since met and been in regular contact.

I honestly didn't want to share him with the bdad until I was able to trust that our own relationship was secure. I shared him with his a/family, but a bdad was just one too many to start with.

I don't want to have a personal meeting with bdad; I have had nothing to do with him for 38 years but guess that some time in the future that could become a reality. He was, (and is) a nice person but he was someone I was obviously intimate with years ago and he didn't take any responsibility then but is enjoying the spoils of my labour now!!!! Resentful? Maybe!!
Ann

[Mockingbird]

kune, that's how I feel about his meeting his birthfather--he was not a nice guy then and I'm afraid that he still isn't and I don't want our son to be hurt by him; but I don't feel that it would be right to withhold the information I have from him. So, I'm just hoping to get to know him a bit and maybe meet him in person, before I start him on the next phase of his journey.