[Mockingbird]

We met on Sunday and spent four days together. It was far better than I expected. I felt really comfortable with him and when I left, it felt like I was leaving a part of myself there. I had no problem describing my exact feelings before we met; but now it's almost as though it is too personal. Anyone else have that feeling?

I met his wife and she is so sweet and wonderful--he's a lucky guy to have married her (IMHO). It was so strange to spend time talking about mundane things and finding out about quirkly little things that we do that are the same, or that are the same as someone else in the family. We're already talking about getting together again--hopefully to meet his sisters next time.

[MrsHoot]

That's wonderful, congrats! I know exactly what you're talking about as I too recently met my daughter...something were hard to verbalize and some things I just wanted to keep to myself...for me, in some respects it was if for the first time I had something that the two of us shared that we will both remember for the rest of our lives...and I didn't want anyone to take away from that...if that makes any sense.

Best of luck on the next meeting and the rest of your reunion journey!

And – yah, that “mirror” effect is something isn’t it! LOL!

[keds]

Congrats to you both! Yes, I felt exactly the same way and, even though I've had several meetings (about every 4-6 weeks) with my bson, every time I feel the same way - it's so hard to drive away although, it's probably a good thing we live so far apart! It is so refreshing to hear about "wonderful" meetings.

[Mockingbird]

The roller coaster thing has, for the most part, subsided. We talk several times a week on the phone and a do an email or two. I am excited to be able to talk to him; but I don't have that drastic adrenaline rush like before--which I'm glad of, because I was starting to worry that I could have a heart attack. I miss seeing him and wish that we lived closer.

At our first reunion my son was able to meet and spend time with his grandparents and also meet one of his uncles. I think my parents felt very comfortable with him right away. He just sent me some of his baby/ childhood photos and I am amazed at how much I see of my brother and myself in his pictures. It is still a strange feeling.

We are planning a get-together for Easter at my parents' house. My girls and husband will be there, along with my parents and brothers, and my son will be bringing his wife with him. I'm thrilled that I'll be seeing him again and the girls are excited. My mother has told several family members, so I'm sure the word has spread and there will be great-aunts and others stopping by to meet him. This should be interesting!

My husband is still a bit strange about this whole situation. I have pictures of us together on the bulletin board in the office (home) and he said "I guess this must be ?" and I replied yes and made a comment about one of the photos; but that was all he said. He came in when I was on the phone with my son and downloading the pictures he was sending. He asked who I was talking to and I told him and said he was sending me pictures. My husband looked at them for a moment and that was the end of it--he never asked about them afterwards. I don't want to force him to talk about it--but I think that this behavior is odd.

[Jackiejdajda]

My husband was okay when I met the bson but he is also kind of protective of me.. wants to shelter me from the 'stuff'.

I say give him time..

Jackie

[kune]

Mockingbird
I think we all have those moments in early reunion where we tend to exclude our partners from the day to day emotions of reunion. Reunion is between two people, and husbands (at this stage) are not totally involved. How hard it must be for them having to put up with our scattered emotions and at the same time realising there is another male in our life who is our focus at the moment. Before reunion you probably shared most thoughts with DH so maybe share with him what your bson shares with you. Speak bson's name often and tell hubby how important it is for you to make this a good connection, and how thankful you are that hubby is your loyal supporter. In whatever way possible, make him feel part of it.

Glad to hear that all is well and you are in regular contact. The visit over Easter sounds wonderful and I am sure your family will be in awe of you and your newfound family members.

Ann

[Mockingbird]

It has just sort of hit me that no matter how much time I spend talking with my son, I can never reclaim that time that I gave up. I missed all of his "firsts". I missed the birthdays, family reunions, holidays with Santa and the Easter Bunny and fireworks. I am jealous of his aparents. I am really GRIEVING now. I'm afraid that the bits of time we have together won't be enough to hold us together--we don't have those memories to share--and he may be lost to me again. This may sound stupid, but I feel like "I want my baby and I want him NOW!" I feel so depressed.

[MrsHoot]

No, it doesn't sound stupid - I felt the same way. It really hit me when I finally had all three of my girls in the same room and the were just sitting around the table coloring with the youngest (they are 23,14 & 3) I couldn't shake the "this is the way it should have been" feeling...it was quite depressing.

I think we need to allow our selves to grieve, if we don't we will forever be consumed with it. For me, for the most part, the grieving has subsided - I still have my moments...but it is important and honor thoses things and moments that we can not go back in time and recapture.

You're not alone, it's perfectly normal, hang on to what you do have and build on that.

[Mockingbird]

Thanks MrsHoot. Yours are spaced almost like mine--37, 27, and 17.

[Mockingbird]

I'm starting to get nervous again--in a couple of weeks my daughters and husband will be meeting my son for the first time! I'm sure they're going to like him--but it's another "first" meeting.

[keds]

Mockingbird, I understand completely! I think that what little time I've had with my son since the initial flurry of visits, calls, etc. won't sustain. Try not to be nervous - I now it's hard. My husband (bdad) and other children have yet to meet bson and I'm sure I'm going to be a basketcase. I think it's great they're all meeting together at once. Have they written or talked to him? I found it much easier to meet my son after pouring everything out in a letter and talking to me him first (I got to know the sound of his voice). Let us know how it goes!

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by Mockingbird

It has just sort of hit me that no matter how much time I spend talking with my son, I can never reclaim that time that I gave up. I missed all of his "firsts". I missed the birthdays, family reunions, holidays with Santa and the Easter Bunny and fireworks. I am jealous of his aparents. I am really GRIEVING now. I'm afraid that the bits of time we have together won't be enough to hold us together--we don't have those memories to share--and he may be lost to me again. This may sound stupid, but I feel like "I want my baby and I want him NOW!" I feel so depressed.

What you're feeling right now is so totally normal in the early stages of reunion. I think it hits all of us sooner or later. I remember the first Christmas I spent with my then 18-year-old son back in 1990. I had taken him to an annual Christmas event, where we met up with friends and family on the seashore. Everybody was having the time of their lives...the weather was perfect, and bonfires were roaring. As I was standing there with my son, I spotted a little boy, maybe 3 years old or so, who was playing down by the water's edge. And suddenly I was consumed with grief...it just washed over me like a huge wave. It was then that I realized I was grieving for my little boy, even though I was standing right there with my armed draped around his shoulders.

Just let yourself feel the grief and sadness...acknowledge it...and let it go. Don't try to bury it inside yourself. There were numerous times during those first couple years of reunion that I felt grief about missing out on his childhood years. The pain lessens a bit each time. Heck, I'm not sure if it evers goes away though. I've been in reunion now for eighteen years, and there are still some days I find myself wishing that I could have had those childhood moments and experiences with my little boy. Sometimes it's hard to look thru my photo album of his childhood pictures. I want to reach right thru those photos, and take him into my lap...to rock him...to sing to him.

One thing that helps me deal with the occasional grief and feelings of loss is by practicing a certain visualization/imagery technique I came up with many years ago. I sit alone in a quiet room, close my eyes, and picture myself sitting in a rocking chair. On my lap, I'm holding my infant (sometimes toddler) son, who reaches up to stroke my face. I inhale his baby smells, and listen to his baby talk. Sometimes I sing a lullabye to him. I don't know why this particular meditation works so well for me, but it does. The sadness always lifts, and I'm left with this feeling of wholeness.

[mariarippy]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

What you're feeling right now is so totally normal in the early stages of reunion. I think it hits all of us sooner or later. I remember the first Christmas I spent with my then 18-year-old son back in 1990. I had taken him to an annual Christmas event, where we met up with friends and family on the seashore. Everybody was having the time of their lives...the weather was perfect, and bonfires were roaring. As I was standing there with my son, I spotted a little boy, maybe 3 years old or so, who was playing down by the water's edge. And suddenly I was consumed with grief...it just washed over me like a huge wave. It was then that I realized I was grieving for my little boy, even though I was standing right there with my armed draped around his shoulders.

Just let yourself feel the grief and sadness...acknowledge it...and let it go. Don't try to bury it inside yourself. There were numerous times during those first couple years of reunion that I felt grief about missing out on his childhood years. The pain lessens a bit each time. Heck, I'm not sure if it evers goes away though. I've been in reunion now for eighteen years, and there are still some days I find myself wishing that I could have had those childhood moments and experiences with my little boy. Sometimes it's hard to look thru my photo album of his childhood pictures. I want to reach right thru those photos, and take him into my lap...to rock him...to sing to him.

One thing that helps me deal with the occasional grief and feelings of loss is by practicing a certain visualization/imagery technique I came up with many years ago. I sit alone in a quiet room, close my eyes, and picture myself sitting in a rocking chair. On my lap, I'm holding my infant (sometimes toddler) son, who reaches up to stroke my face. I inhale his baby smells, and listen to his baby talk. Sometimes I sing a lullabye to him. I don't know why this particular meditation works so well for me, but it does. The sadness always lifts, and I'm left with this feeling of wholeness.

When my mom stopped communicating in 2005 after the death of her 24 year old son to brain cancer I felt myself slipping into a fast food/comfort food inundation. I sought out help. Each time you feel depressed take some Omega threes... I'm not a doctor...there are lists and lists of healthy foods out there to help. Liquid vitamins help me balance the nutrition in my body. Depression sucks and it sucks even harder without proper nutrition. We all grieve.
Omni IV with Glucosamine every morning. Charge, Phyto nutrients, and more... gets me through the day helps me function properly with my four children and keeps me hopeful to hear from my mom again.
We have Omni calls every Thursday and Sunday nights...
Listen on the Live Call...Dial :1-218-936-1600 Pass code: 00148# "Live listen in call "10PM Eastern..9PM Central..8PM Mountain..7pm Pacific... call me if your intrested Maria(651)714-4116 and or let em know Maria in Minnesota sent you.

[Jackiejdajda]

RavenSong

One thing that helps me deal with the occasional grief and feelings of loss is by practicing a certain visualization/imagery technique I came up with many years ago. I sit alone in a quiet room, close my eyes, and picture myself sitting in a rocking chair. On my lap, I'm holding my infant (sometimes toddler) son, who reaches up to stroke my face. I inhale his baby smells, and listen to his baby talk. Sometimes I sing a lullabye to him. I don't know why this particular meditation works so well for me, but it does. The sadness always lifts, and I'm left with this feeling of wholeness.

I never saw my son when he was born never held him never heard his first cry..
A friend told me I needed to do a visualization of holding him as a baby.. I can remember sitting on my front porch and doing the same kind of meditation that you speak about here.. It really helped.

Years later I stood on that front porch and looked into his eyes.. He became real..

Jackie

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

RavenSong


I never saw my son when he was born never held him never heard his first cry..
A friend told me I needed to do a visualization of holding him as a baby.. I can remember sitting on my front porch and doing the same kind of meditation that you speak about here.. It really helped.

Years later I stood on that front porch and looked into his eyes.. He became real..

Jackie

Jackie,

Like you, I didn't see my son when he was born...never heard that first cry...and never held him. I was supposed to have natural childbirth, with only a pudendal block for the episotomy. I was also told that I could watch him being born via a mirror above the delivery table. Well, they let me do the hard part of labor naturally. But when they wheeled me into the delivery room (36 years ago today, btw), the nurses turned the mirror around so I couldn't see anything. They then proceeded to strap both my legs and my hands down, and an anesthesiologist appeared out of nowhere with a gas mask. My doctor didn't say a word, just sat down on a stool and started making the episiotomy incision without waiting for the anesthetic to take effect. I tried to fight off the gas mask, but it's kind of hard to do when your hands are strapped down to the table.

My doctor later told me that he thought I had bonded too closely with my baby while he was in the womb. And he thought that if I heard my son crying or if I saw him, I wouldn't be able to go thru with the relinquishment. He was of the old school....he did it in my "best interest", but he was dead wrong.

I think that the visual meditation of holding my son as an infant helped me to reconnect with him emotionally on some level. It was difficult for me at one point early in our reunion to reconcile my young adult son with my baby son. Betty Jean Lifton talks a lot about this phenomenon as part of her "Ghost Kingdom" theory. She tells this story in one of her books of how this one birthmom she knew opened her door to greet her newly found adult daughter. The bmom's first reaction when she saw her daughter standing there was to think, "what did you do with my baby?" Lifton believes that all members of the triad carry their own ghosts with them. For birthmothers, one of the ghosts is that of her newborn infant. Sometimes it's just hard to reconcile the "ghost" of that infant with the real-life adult son or daughter. This is where that meditation/visualization really helps me, I believe.

BTW, today is my son's 36th birthday. So today I've been remembering that early morning so long ago. Bittersweet, sad.... But I'm going to be calling him in a couple hours, so now I'm feeling kind of nervous. Wish me luck...