[kune]

Wow Susanne - That is a really powerfull post. You are right....there is a universality about reunion - the 5 Stages are broad guidelines and everything else inbetween has been experienced by one of us at some time. Well done engaging the hubby to understand your emotions and reactions. You have a real buddy there to share this with.

Ann

[hunny0404]

Thanks, Ann. I think it helps a lot that we had a good foundation to start with, that I was as honest as I could be at the beginning of our relationship. When I look back and think about how I met DH just a month after J's birth and relinquishment, and we married seven months later, it's amazing that we've been able to have what we've had all these years.

Just the other day DH and I were talking about how far I--and we--have come since Nov. 8, 2006 when I received that call from the third party and began this reunion journey. I told him that I know he signed on for better or worse, and that he knew about J when he met and married me, but that neither of us knew what we were really getting into. I didn't really understand what relinquishment meant, what I was actually giving up. Did any of us who hadn't had a child before really know? And because of that, I couldn't explain to him what he was getting when he married me.

We continue to struggle with all the lost years and sometimes it's hard not to imagine the "what-ifs." My husband loves J like his own and I try not to get bogged down in the guilt of having never given J and DH the chance to be father and son because of what I chose all those years ago. Even though my son was never a secret I kept from my husband, I find that my marriage has a new freedom and lightness about it, just because I'm "out from under" the weight of the lie. J says that he doesn't want to "contaminate" what we have now by obsessing about what we missed and lost. DH and I have tried to heed the wisdom of this 28-year-old and so mostly we just focus on what we are now creating together. It's getting easier...

Susanne

[SuddenlySusan]

Susanne... your prior post is one of the best I've read. That was one well-crafted essay... well-stated and beautifully written.

Yes, it is good to know that no matter what we are experiencing, there will be someone on the forums who can relate. Your speed bump with the tattoos, for instance -- LOL! So glad to know that I'm not the only one!

Happy Solstice,
Susan

[hunny0404]

Dear Susan, thanks for the good words. I used to make my living writing, teaching, and speaking (in theology, higher ed.) so communicating this way feels very natural to me. I get so much here; it's good to know I have something worth sharing that might strike a chord in return.

J says that we should go get tattoos together, because we're both "so cool." (LOL at the thought of my kid thinking his nerdy mother is cool!) A few months ago, we were in such a coccoon together, if the opportunity had presented itself, I might have gone forward without attending to the reaction from the rest of the family. But I think those heady, delicious days of total exclusivity are passing. I miss them already, even as I welcome the growth and awareness of how the others I love are perceiving what's happening to me. And since I'm aware, I have to acknowlege that, alas!, my family isn't ready for Mom to get a tattoo. I think especially for oldest DD, it'd create more than a speed bump, don't you think?

Still, I'm not ruling it out for sometime in the future. The idea appeals to me as somehow creating a symmetry or acting as a counter-balance to what has always felt and what I've always "visualized" as a flesh wound that was left behind at relinquishment, the way it seemed I could feel the ripping and tearing when I let my son go. It sort of feels like by intentionally marking my flesh (stretch marks don't count!) I would be symbolically cancelling out the old wound. This doesn't seem to make sense to anyone I've shared it with, but then, none of them has ever relinquished a child...

So, Susan--did you get the tattoo?

BTW--Today is youngest DD's 20th birthday. Each year on this day she tells me, "Mama, it's the darkest day of the year." And I reply, "Well, it was the brightest day of my year."

Happy Solstice to you, too!
Susanne

[SuddenlySusan]

Susanne...

Although my son is covered with tattoos, I have not gotten one...yet. I actually chose what I wanted, but my daughter (also tattooed) told me that it was a gang tattoo -- oops! What do I know? It would have been a tear drop under my eye, at the top of my cheek. I felt that it spoke to the pain of surrender and the tears of reunion.

Having moved through the intense emotions that accompany the early reunion stages, I think it's probably a good thing that I didn't end up with that particular tattoo. I haven't completely ruled out the possibility of getting a tattoo, however...

Peace,
Susan

[hunny0404]

Susan,
Over and again I'm floored by the similarities in our stories. My son has a number of tattoos, too, and at our first f2f, one of the first things he asked me was whether anyone else in the family had any. Had to tell him no one in my immediate family, but some others in the extended family, very discreet ink, nothing like what he has.

The funniest thing was how I'd never thought I'd be a person who would consider a tattoo until this reunion experience began to happen to me. To return to Mockingbird's original post about how to help our loved ones understand and cope with what's happening to us, it seems like so many things are opened up during this process--so many emotions and memories, even to the point of feeling like I actually have access to parts of myself I had suppressed or had forgotten existed. It feels akin to an emotional unravelling, as if so many of my feelings, and even parts of my identity, were wrapped up so tightly, almost mummified; preserved in a way but not accessible until I knew that knowing my son and being with him might be possible. Only with the possibility of a relationship with him, is it safe enough to go there...

Sometimes this has resulted in my DH or kept children looking at me and saying, "Who the heck are you?" but little by little we are all finding out that what they are seeing are all parts of me that perhaps have always been there. The intensity of the early stages of reunion makes it hard to sort it all out, but as you and I are finding with the possible-potential-eventual-tattoo question, we can't say exactly where we'll be down the road. That said, I also have to admit that I like having access to these parts of me and letting them find their voice. And eventually, I think my family will see that I'm a happier, more liberated person, and a better wife and mother, for living more honestly and authentically and more fully myself, whomever I turn out to be.

Best,
Susanne

[Mockingbird]

Well, I did it! Just before Christmas I first told my married daughter about her half-brother. I couldn't figure out an easy way to break the news so I just blurted out the basic facts. She thought I was playing a joke on her at first--it took a lot of talking to convince her that I was serious (even with a picture of him). She was in shock--but interested.

I gave her a few days to digest the news and then after Christmas (with her help) I told my teenage daughter. As soon as I started telling her that I had gotten pregnant at 17, she started crying and I thought she was going to flip out. When I explained that the child was alive and had contacted me she was concerned that she might have to give up her room (which was just decorated for her) for him to move into. LOL! She was thinking he was little--until her sister reminded her that he's 37!

To my shock, the younger one took the information in and assimilated it better than the older one did in a short time. She actually said that she wanted to meet him and called her best friend to tell her she had a brother.

I called him two days later to tell him that everything went well and they actually talked to him. So, all in all, it went really, really, really well!

I guess the next phase is face to face, which I'm hoping we can do this month.

[kune]

Mockingbird
I'm very glad you have shared your secret with the kids, and they both have accepted it and are keen to meet this new family member. I can imagine how stressed you were - it is/was a biggie. But.....you know..... things that stress us the most and tie knots in our stomach are not always as frightening as we expect. Sometimes it's the little things that creep up behind us and hit us in the back of our knees that really bring us down on our knees. Enjoy your actual telling of the secret. It is just the start and I doubt you will hear one negative comment. Just surprise and good feelings.

Ann

[Mockingbird]

Thanks kune. It was such a relief--and joy to see their reactions once the shock wore off (which was pretty quick considering how long it took me to come out of shock).

Now that the family knows, I'm excited to begin telling a few friends. One was my best friend before and after the pregnancy, but who never knew about it. Another is a neighbor who has an adopted son who has been experiencing some emotional problems. Now that I have read so many posts of birthmothers and adoptees, I see that this is not so unusual.

[SuddenlySusan]

Originally Posted by Mockingbird

Well, I did it! Just before Christmas I first told my married daughter about her half-brother. I couldn't figure out an easy way to break the news so I just blurted out the basic facts. She thought I was playing a joke on her at first--it took a lot of talking to convince her that I was serious (even with a picture of him). She was in shock--but interested.

I gave her a few days to digest the news and then after Christmas (with her help) I told my teenage daughter. As soon as I started telling her that I had gotten pregnant at 17, she started crying and I thought she was going to flip out. When I explained that the child was alive and had contacted me she was concerned that she might have to give up her room (which was just decorated for her) for him to move into. LOL! She was thinking he was little--until her sister reminded her that he's 37!

To my shock, the younger one took the information in and assimilated it better than the older one did in a short time. She actually said that she wanted to meet him and called her best friend to tell her she had a brother.

I called him two days later to tell him that everything went well and they actually talked to him. So, all in all, it went really, really, really well!

I guess the next phase is face to face, which I'm hoping we can do this month.

Mockingbird,

The two children I raised, son age 33 and daughter age 30, had different reactions upon hearing the big news that I found my lost son (age 36). My daughter had actually searched for him a number of years prior, and was really excited. My 33 y/o son was very cautious, and watched things unfold from a distance.

From what I've read, it's not uncommon for the oldest raised child to take a little while longer to warm up to the found sibling.

You're doing great, Mockingbird...I wish you all the best.

Peace,
Susan

[Mockingbird]

Hey everybody, thanks for all of your positive comments and encouragements.

I just got in contact with my best friend (before and after pregnancy). I thought I was telling her something shocking when I told her I had gotten pregnant; but she said "I sort of knew." She said that she had never said anything to me because she didn't want me to be embarrassed by thinking people knew about my situation. I probably would have told her afterwards, but her mother and mine were best friends also and I didn't want anything to get back to her mother that she didn't already know. Gosh, all of those years I could have had SOMEONE to talk to about it with!

[Mockingbird]

It's finally set! In 10 days I get to meet my son face to face. I'm so looking forward to this--but I'm scared too. I'm worried I won't look right. I'm worried I'll say the wrong thing. We talk on the phone for hours at a time, but what if he's disappointed after meeting me? We're going to my parents' house so that he can meet them that day also.

[keds]

Mockingbird - I'm so happy for you! Don't worry about what you look like - beauty is in the eye of the beholder and he's been waiting his whole life to see your eyes. As for saying the wrong thing - that may happen but I'm sure he is just as nervous as you are so chalk it up to being so excited. My first meeting was a blur but I can tell you that every time since I still have that feeling of excitement and apprehension. I wish you both well, take care of yourself and deep breaths work best.

[Jackiejdajda]

What a wonderful thing to happen!

Jackie

[SuddenlySusan]

Originally Posted by Mockingbird

It's finally set! In 10 days I get to meet my son face to face. I'm so looking forward to this--but I'm scared too. I'm worried I won't look right. I'm worried I'll say the wrong thing. We talk on the phone for hours at a time, but what if he's disappointed after meeting me? We're going to my parents' house so that he can meet them that day also.

Mockingbird, I get where you're coming from, but try not to worry about what you look like. Put yourself in his shoes...he's expecting to see a "mom" not a fashion model. Let me put it this way: BE YOURSELF.

If you are worried about saying the wrong thing, perhaps concentrate on being an active listener. Watch him for body language that will let you know when he is becoming uncomfortable. And, try to set some time aside for just the two of you.

If you haven't already sent him a photo album, or memory book, bring copies of photos that he can take with him. Don't forget to bring a camera, and have someone take some pictures of the two of you. Oh, yeah -- have some tissues handy.

Other than that, leave all of your expectations at home. No matter what you think it will be like, no matter what you want it to be like, it will be different... but it will be okay, and so will you.

I am so truly happy for you, Mockingbird...

Best wishes,
Susan