[jrainbow]

Mockingbird,
Congratulations. As you know by now, this reunion stuff is totally unlike anything before or after. It is great that your son and you have connected.

When I first talked to my bmom, she told me she knew how to get hold of my bfather and it was certainly my right to know him. But she said that she just wasn't ready to do that yet and was it ok with me for her to wait. I gave her the time she needed - basically because I knew I would get what I wanted eventually and I wanted to give her time to get used to me. I believe that as long as you tell your son the truth - that you know he has the right to know - but you really want to keep this between the 2 of you right now, that he would understand. It was over 1 month after we first connected and after we had met that she called him.

It sounds like he is in the same emotional state as you so he should understand - one step at a time.

Congratulations again .... and enjoy this time.
Good luck.

[keds]

Mockingbird, telling the kids is very hard and I can only say that I told them separately - not on purpose! My eldest daughter's best friend found out she was pregnant and was being mistreated by others and my eldest was standing by her but coming into some criticism so I just blurted it out (I know the family so well and they are the nicest people so it's hard to see them go through the pain). Of course, I then felt badly so I told my youngest the next day.

As Kune said, they were more angry that I hadn't told them about THEIR brother than being judgmental about me. I think the best thing to do is to just tell them that you have something that you need to tell them (and I said I had wanted to for some time which was the truth). You know them better than anyone and if you can put your fears aside it does make it easier.

Take care and I wish you all the best. It's tough but it does get easier!

[cls2445]

Mockingbird, I too had to tell my raised adult children. That was a very difficult thing to do. (This was a huge secret for 44 years, and something which was never discussed, except with my DH, who is not her father).
I told all 3 in separate conversations. I was so afaid they would judge me...one was told face to face, the other 2 by phone as they live out of state. You know your children and how they react, so each was told a bit differently. One of mine is a REAL talker...my opening statement to her was.."I have something to tell you but do not say anything please until I am finished.......then you are free to ask questions". I had 3 different reactions. My oldest dau.is not dealing well with this, the middle dau is in contact with DD and youngest son is neutral.
Wishing you the best.............

[Jackiejdajda]

Husbands..

Stand up for yourself.. this is a most important time in your life.. and if your husband is having problems these IMO are his problems..
Something he needs to sort..

I had to put my family first when I relinquished.. I did my best to not get a resentment when I re-united..
Stand your ground.. tell him.. Tell him about your feelings around his reaction..

And maybe let things go when the going gets tough.. none of us are perfect.. and this is a big issue.. situation..

But you are a person of the first order and what you are going through counts.. I think some of us pick a mate soon after relinquishing.. and we pick a mate that has the same qualities.. or lack of them.. as our parents..
It’s the same old same old fight.. or situation..

We are given situations in life.. I believe.. in order to sort them..

Its all lessons..

[Mockingbird]

Thanks jrainbow for telling me about your bmom. That's exactly how I'm feeling. As I am getting to know my son more, I'm feeling more comfortable about it. I'm still concerned about the type of person the bfather might be now; but I can't control that. I would just like to have a little bit of time for the two of us before he moves on to search for his bfather.

[SuddenlySusan]

Mockingbird...

Most husbands, like most people in general, have no understanding when it comes to surrender and adoption issues.

I asked my husband to read "The Girls Who Went Away" after I finished the book. He cried all the way through the book. He has been my most reliable and loving source of support throughout my reunion experience. In fact, we have been so very close, that he said it is almost like we have just birthed a child together (we have been married 14 years, and have no children between us). I think it would have been different if he hadn't put the time and energy into gaining a better understanding.

Education, counseling, support systems... good for both of you to have as resources.

Peace,
Susan

[Mockingbird]

This emotional thing is worse than my "hot flashes". I will be feeling pretty calm and then I think of my son and it's as though adrenaline shoots through me and I'm shaky and can't concentrate on anything. When he calls, I feel like I'm high for about the next 24 hours. If I haven't talked to him in a while, I start stressing and worrying. Wow--talk about mood swings! How long does this type of reaction last?

[keds]

Hi Mockingbird - I can relate to the "hot flashes". As for "how long does this last", it's been 2+ years for me. The highest highs when I get a call or see a card/letter or his name on an e-mail in my in-box and the lowest lows when more than a month goes by (and yet I don't speak to my own parents that often!).

All the best!

[kune]

keds

(and yet I don't speak to my own parents that often!).

Hey...Good perspective - Thank Goodness we can acknowledge how obsessive birthmothers can be!!! If these first-born children of ours knew how we react when we see their name in the in-box......they'd think we were stark-raving mad.

Ann

[Mockingbird]

LOL! I agree--I hesitate to tell him exactly how I feel--he may think that his birthmother is a lunatic! It's great to have advice and support from the other birthmothers. I felt like it was just me going crazy until I found this place. It is amazing!

[SuddenlySusan]

Originally Posted by Mockingbird

This emotional thing is worse than my "hot flashes". I will be feeling pretty calm and then I think of my son and it's as though adrenaline shoots through me and I'm shaky and can't concentrate on anything. When he calls, I feel like I'm high for about the next 24 hours. If I haven't talked to him in a while, I start stressing and worrying. Wow--talk about mood swings! How long does this type of reaction last?

It took me a full nine months (hmmm) before I was fit for public. I find that interesting...

I, too, have to remind myself that I don't expect that much communication from the son I raised -- although, it would be very nice if he did...

Peace,
Susan

[kune]

Mockinbird
I think the elation we feel when we are in close contact is very hard on our hubbys. It's like someone else is competing for your attention - and getting more of it than he is. I had to make a conscious effort to make sure he was included as much as he could be, and not to isolate myself. Men = Big brave boys who need much nurturing and attention Plleeeeaaase!! Thank God I'm a woman

Ann

[susieloo]

my husband has been fantastic +! I told him the first time we met. My bdaughter has just gone home today after a two night stay and I took the time to thank him once again for being amazing!!!
But hey 11yrs into reunion I still get the 'hot flashes'! After she left today I went down to her bed and lay on it with my nose buried in her pillow!!!
I am humming right now as it was such a cool visit...and I miss her b4 she even goes!!!!
It has taken a long time to get to where we are now, and I am still not without my ups and downs and self doubt.
I was talking to my mum on the phone and she asked when she was going home and I just said " NEVER"> Ha dreams are free eh?
It can be such a fine balance when it comes to other family members I know and I have spent zounds of energy trying to let all concerned know that just because I have this love for her it does not take away my love for them! A true libran trying to keep it all balanced!!!!
Suddenly Susans idea is excellent if he is prepared to educate himself.
I remember also at the time of our reunion how she had to balnce things at her end. Her boyfriend became jealous. Her sister ( also adopted) hadn't and still hasn't had such a great reunion with her bmum and was envious...and her a mum felt intimidated by me as we were so like each other. So remember that our children too have a balancing act to sort.
Susie

[kune]

Whew....it sounds like all was well and you got your time alone!!!! Well done.

I bet the house feels empty and you want to set another place at the table.

((Hugs)) and if I don't catch you in chat, have a great Christmas and look forward 2008.

Ann

[hunny0404]

Mockingbird:
I met my husband soon after placing my son (he came to work at my place of employment while I was on maternity leave and heard all the gossip...), so the knowledge of my first-born has always been a part of our life together. But DH always thought of J as my son until our reunion began and then he began to think of him as "ours." He truly loves J, but neither of us was prepared for the obsessive-compulsive nature of the relationship-in-reunion. He has provided constant, loving support throughout this process. We hit a slight speed-bump during my "tattoo phase" (J has some tattoos and I started obsessing a little about getting one to mark our reunion and it freaked DH out pretty bad...) but mostly he's been exactly what I needed.

Still, the reunion has been rough on this loving man, as he witnessed the wild mood swings, addictive behavior (the emails, texts, and phone calls are a drug that create the most amazing endorphin rush, but oh! the crash when the "drug" is withheld!) flashbacks, and the endless re-living, re-hashing, re-evaluating of every piece and layer of the experience from the relationship w/biodad, conception, pregnancy, birth, relinquishment, and all the years of denial, shame, and guilt ever since. (Not to mention the aftermath of the sibling reunion and the family-of-origin dynamic...) There were times when I'd have to explore the next piece by raising the next awful question that was troubling my heart that would lead to the next guilt-loss-grief-shame cycle and he would say, "Oh no, I think we're going to need to call S!" (my therapist) and it broke my heart to see him hurting so, hurting for me, but I felt powerless to help him. I wasn't in a position to hide what I was feeling--I had done it for 28 years and it was time to get it all out--and he didn't want me to hide any of it. But there have been times in the past 13 months when he just didn't know what to do with it. And I know we were both afraid I'd never get to the other side of the craziness and unpredictability of the emotional tidal wave, but instead be crushed by it. We didn't know if it was normal or I was really losing it.

After our first f2f in July (we spent his 28th birthday together!) I started spending more and more time "lurking" on these forums and what I discovered was a community of people who not only understood, but had lived what I was living. There was nothing that I was feeling or experiencing that wasn't somehow expressed by someone here. I was relieved to find out I was actually normal!

One evening I told my husband that there's good news and there's bad news. The good news is that all that was happening to me emotionally was completely normal; I hadn't somehow gone around the bend. The bad news is that we should expect it to last for a while longer, maybe even years.

I agree with Susan that some information about what to expect from the reunion experience can facilitate your husband's understanding. I began reading some of the posts to my husband and the information helped him immensely. He was able to see how our family's experience fit into the range of what is normal within the universal adoption experience, at least to the degree that that universality is represented on these forums. It gave him tools to support me, language to express his own feelings, and comfort that what had seemed crazy and without pattern or predictability actually made a lot of sense. And it made him so much less afraid for me, knowing that what was happening to me had happened to so many others, and they had come through it to the other side.

This reunion has made us closer than I ever thought we could be, which is saying a lot considering the happy life we've already shared for the past 28 years. Not a perfectly smooth ride to get here, but worth the trip!

Hang in there, Mockingbird! Enjoy this crazy, exciting time, especially this first holiday season with your son (it's my first with my son, too...)

Best,
Susanne