[tl_angel]

I Need Some Advice. I Found My Birthfamily 2 Years Ago And Things Have Went Fairly Well, Actually Pretty Well, Still Awkwardness And The Quite Times Of Course Wonder If That Will Ever End. But My Problem Is No With My Sibling I Have Three Brothers And There Is One That I Feel Is Self Absorbed And Treats The Family Like They Are Well Less Than Human And Tries To Put Things In My Head About Them., Well My Question Is I Want To Talk To Him About These Issues But Am Afraid Of Isolating Him And Also Fear If I Don't It Will Get Really Bad And I Will Just Start Blurting Out Everything At The Wrong Time. Any Suggestions On How I Should Deal With This Situation Would Be Greatly Appreciated.

[dmca]

very carefully and gently. Tell him you understand how he feels about the family and it will be between you and him but you don't feel that way.
Then be gentle, smile all the time you're telling him this.
dmca

[tl_angel]

Thank you, I appreciate you advice. I am battleling with this.

[kune]

Traci
I think the advice dmca has given you is very good advice. You are telling him exactly how you feel - with respect. If you can say it compassionately yet firmly, he can take no offence.

It's very hard when things are still strained or awkward with your birthfamily. I hope somehow you make him understand that you are trying to connect to the whole family and his side issues are just that - his. You need to draw your own conclusions.

Ann

[Jordan's bmom]

I am a bmom who was recently reunited with my son, Jordan. I have dreamed of this day, and never imagined it would come so soon. My son found me 3 weeks after his 18th bday. We live in the same county! It has been 6 months now and I am so in love with him. He is a darling young man. I'm having trouble defining my role as bmom. It seems as if the last 18 yrs never existed and he's back and I'm his mom. I couldn't love him more if I'd have raised him. His aparents are wonderful and very excepting of me, but here's the kicker. They don't have a lot of money. I went on to get my nursing lisence and married a professional man. We are not rich, by any means but are better off than the aparents. Jordan's car was wrecked and in order to get a loan on a new, used one he needed a cosigner. His parents couldn't do it because there credit is shot due to bankruptcy. I offered to help and everyone seemed appreciative. And, whenever we go out to eat I always pick up the check. Now it is several months later and Jordan's 20yr old girlfriend is pregnant. The kids got a place together, but they have nothing. I thought since she is pregnant it was important for them to have a good bed. I offered to buy them one as a house warming gift. I took the kids shopping and got a great deal on a floor model. It was a very expensive bed, but I paid less than 1/2 the original price. The kids are thrilled but I think the aparents are a little put off because they can't help out very much financialy. They didn't say anything, it's just a feeling I have. I don't want to over step my boundries, but don't really know where they are. It's so weird, because when it's just my family with Jordan, I feel like his mom. When the aparents are involved, I don't know who I am. Like at his prom, he was having trouble with his cufflinks and both moms rushed over to help. It made us both uncomfortable, but I was the one to back off.(As I think I should have). Jordan calls me by my first name, but if we're on the phone and someone asks who he is talking to , he'll say "my mom". Are any of you that have been reunited, having similar issues?

[Yarrow1]

Your insights and concerns seem to come from a compassionate place, and Jordan is lucky to have that, to have you and his aparents. Maybe as you get to know the aparents more you will become more aware of the ways in which they can/do support him besides the financial and that awareness will clue you to where you can step back and let them love him in that way? I would go carefully with the $ part... they (j and his gf)need t find their way, but your gift sounds sensible and lovely! Bst of luck to you.

[marymaid]

I am happy for you that you found your B son. i found my Bmom about 2 yrs ago but I am having a problem she doesnt introduce me and my family as her daughter we are just friends . how can I handle this? Also how do you come to calling her MOM when you already knew your adopted mom? Thanks for listening . Mary

[rainmon]

yes the introduction thing is a bit strange, but I am hoping it will all fall in place as time goes on, I found it tricky especially in situations where you did not have the time or it was just inappropriate to take the time to explain it at the time ( not being the right time or place) so yes I do understand how you feel, and it seems to make me want to avoid situation like that for right now.
JordansMom, I agree with yarrow on the money thing....it can cause problems, but I know how you would want to share also..... it will be hard to find a balance.....How about to have your son or his GF earn money by doing little things for you....then it won't seems so much that you are out-doing the adopted parents with lavish gifts. young couples can always use some extra money for things.

[keds]

hi there, rainmon has a great point - I have just recently reunited with my bson and I am fortunate enough to be able to help him out. I have 2 daughters who just moved into residence at university and I thought if he needed extra $$ I could ask him to use his van to move their stuff - I'd have to pay movers anyway. It hasn't come up yet but that's the only way I could think of helping him out without just handing over a wad of cash. Even with the best intentions sometimes things are interpreted the wrong way. All the best.

[SuddenlySusan]

Keds! Your daughters are going to university already? Wow! Where does the time go?

Nice idea about an "exchange" of assistance, by the way.

[keds]

Hi Susan, yes, unfortunately both my daughters are very bright and "skipped". It's been very hard as them leaving as brought back all kinds of memories of leaving my bson. Lots of time alone!