[Jackiejdajda]

Or maybe she does know and will not speak about it with you Rose but does act out..

I have read threads where adoptive parents try and sort how to tell.. or if they should..

Jackie

[thediva320]

You hit it on the had Jackie. That was my point. See, with my story, I knew ALL the details and found some more while searching. Of course, and I know it was sneaky, but I have trust issues. I never told bmom, at least not at the beginning, what I did or didn't know. I wanted to see if she'd tell me the truth or beat around the bush or flat out lie. To be honest, had MY bmom told me from the beginning when I had asked the honest truth, our reunion would have gone quite different. Because then I would have known that she "owned" it. However, the truth of the matter is, she doesn't own it and blames everyone around her. Again, very different situation then yours, rose. Consider whether or not she already knows. Then the question would be, if she already knows they why all this? Because then maybe she is looking for validation from you. Adoptees get lost between fact and fiction. I suppose it's hard to figure that some reasons just are and it's simple. I knew my bmom was a drug addict, but I dreamt that my being removed would shape her up. Make her a better person and if it did then this all wasn't in vain. It didn't shape her up, she still uses drugs. (At last contact) And went on to have 2 more boys with a drugged out new husband. I would imagine that finding out that you were the result of a rape would be heartbreaking to anyone. Idealy a baby is conceived out of love between two people. It may sting when this is told to her, but I believe that in time she will move past it and realize that you, Rose, still had her best interest at heart despite the negativity of the situation. I also believe that you loved her and still love her like any mother would do, reassure her of this. Let her know that despite what happened, she is your bdaughter and you still love her.

[keds]

Good point Diva. I was going to keep some details to myself but bared my soul and told my bson everything and I think it has made it easier for us to "bond" if that's the right word. We're still trying to find the right amount of space but I'm starting to feel that I'm no longer an outsider and I hope he feels that way too. Of course, his conception was out of love, I married his bdad 5 years later and we've been married 22 years and have 2 other children so it is very hard for me to relate and even try and offer advice. Honesty is the only thing that I hear over and over again. Peace to all and have a great weekend.

[MiniatureRoses]

You gals may have it right, she might know. I doubt her mom told her but what about family, nosey family members who thought she knew. I'm grasping at straws but it makes me wonder.

Her mom and dad know most of the details. They were a friend of a friend, my parents had a lawyer friend, who my dad went to school with. He contacted him for help and his friend knew a couple ready to adopt. They were suppose to know the whole story. We wanted to make sure they understood why I was placing for adoption. I stayed with family in that state. So the parents knew I was there, but we never did a face to face. I couldnt do that but did met with the lawyer, He was a great man and I trusted his judgement. All my information was left with him and told she could contact me when she was ready and to pass that on to the Aparents.

I may just have to endure what lies ahead for now. I will make sure she knows I love her. All the while, I'll be reminding myself that she might already know something, if she dont, then I have my words in her heart.

I have to come back later..

[keds]

Rose, I hope your situation improves soon. My family can't keep anything quiet, as I found out when asking my parents to respect my privacy while entering reunion. My siblings found out lots of interesting news just by being in the house when the "adults" were talking in the next room. I think at some level she has to realize that you love her, for what you went through, placing her in the first place and your involvement so far in enduring her emotional turmoil. Hang in there. "It's always darkest before the dawn".

[Jackiejdajda]

diva wrote

To be honest, had MY bmom told me from the beginning when I had asked the honest truth, our reunion would have gone quite different. Because then I would have known that she "owned" it.

Its getting to the owning part that is hard.. Rose have you really sorted what happened?

I have terrible guilt around the way my bson was conceived.. There is some not knowing in my story.. and my bson and I are distant..

I keep trying to find a way of ‘owning’ what happened in 1964 in Boston.. but I cant..
I have forgotten things.. I was told to forget and I gratefully accepted.. I forgot an awful lot of those months in Boston..

It was my way of running from my past.. And I have turned around and stood in what I did.. I have owned the realization of what I had started..
But I still got a place in me that can not fess up..

Rose can you ask the adoptive parents as to whether she knows?

I know of one man.. an adoptee that was conceived by a gang rape.. and he considered his birthmom someone that had survived a terrible ordeal.. (my take on his posts in another place)
I was not raped.. I just kept throwing myself out into danger when I knew it was there..

Jackie

[thediva320]

I don't want my words to be misconstrued, and so far they haven't. But I feel the need to clarify, when I say owned.

My bmom is/was a drug addict, thru her own actions and not thru anyone else's, I was taken by the state and put thru the adoption process. She was given several opportunities to get clean, work on "goals" and as a result would get me back. None of which she did. To this day, she will tell you that she was not at fault, the police framed her. Clearly, her refusal to put down the drug for the sake of her own children is her fault and ONLY her fault.

With that said, Rose, you being raped is definitely NOT your fault. Sure, you could have done some things differently that night, but what happened to you was a violation and wrong. No matter what. By "owning" this I mean that you acknowledge the mistakes that you made in getting there. Not the rape itself. We all make bad choices in our lifetime, but what it boils down to is how we learned from those choices and moved on in our lives.

I would suggest, maybe talking to the aparents, like jackie suggested and finding out (if they'll tell you) if they told her the real story of her adoption. If they do tell you this, then it would give some insight as to why she is reacting the way she is. But as I said before, reassuring her that you love her and wanted/want what's best for her, I think, will set her at ease. Either way.

My heart goes out to you, as I know this is such a difficult step in your journey right now.

[MiniatureRoses]

"Owning" what happened. Yes I carried the guilt for putting myself in the situation, even though I know I wasn't responsible, I still carried that guilt. Now I know it wasnt my fault but it took years to tell myself , all the while knowing I had a child and trying to "forget" as we all are told. I think at times I blocked out the real story and replaced it with a better one, for me that is. I made myself believe it was just the one night stand with the young man I was out with that night. It took a while to "own up" and say that wasn't the truth. I suppose that's why I felt easy just saying I didn't know the father, it could have been....etc. Self defense, I don't know.

I could name the guy I went out with that night, but not sure if that would spin more lies. I didn't know the names of the boys, just "been here" sigs. I know what happened was terrible and its been hard. My only relief is that I wasn't conscious during the rest.

Its hard opening this back up, but I know for her sake it will help. Life is stressful enough. I don't want to add more to her, nor selfishly to myself. I'm wore out.

I would ask her Aparents, but its such a sore spot. Like if we don't talk about it, it never happened and they wouldn't have to tell her. I don't think they have told her. I would think they would warn me if they did. I understand kids hearing the adult conversations, I was one of those kids years ago.

I've not started the letter yet. I thought I would have time but the week ended up busier than I thought. But reading every one's thoughts and opinions has gave me much to think about.

talking about this is helping me. Thank goodness I feel safe at home, no one staring me in the face watching for my reactions. I can mull over any thoughts and hit backspace when needed. I wish I had came here sooner.
If I've over looked a question, its not on purpose. Just so much to take in and process. It's a good thing.

I'm anxious to her from her again. I may send an email since its been some time since I've heard from her. Take it slow and see how it goes. I've calmed down some in the last few days, may have built up some courage.
Baby steps, loving baby steps.

Rose

[MiniatureRoses]

Diva, I got what you meant by Owned.
I like how Oprah says you have to own it.. etc.
It makes good sense.

Rose

[keds]

Rose, baby steps is the way to go. Maybe a short e-mail to start - thinking of you, or the like. Nothing too heavy until you get back on your feet, so to speak. Take care.

[Jackiejdajda]

Keds happy thanksgiving to you.. We are not having a turkey as my daughter can not make it out here so I am waiting till she can.

Diva wrote.. and I really like your posts diva..

With that said, Rose, you being raped is definitely NOT your fault. Sure, you could have done some things differently that night, but what happened to you was a violation and wrong. No matter what. By "owning" this I mean that you acknowledge the mistakes that you made in getting there. Not the rape itself. We all make bad choices in our lifetime, but what it boils down to is how we learned from those choices and moved on in our lives

.


I think owning the experience is part of this..
Standing in it and acknowledging it happened (and yes seeing my part in it).. I was forced to have sex with an abortionist (I walked into that office).. In a doctors office.
I fainted after it happened.. after I got out of there..
And after that I could not go to a doctor without becoming terrified..

I sat in a doctors office many years later and told this man what had happened.. I remember he opened to door of the office..
Fear of me getting nutty I guess..
But I told him.. and I owned (acknowledged) what happened.. heck I owned the fact that I lived through it and still was able to function..
After that I went for therapy and became comfortable in a doctors office..

I guess a person could say I own the experience.. I am no longer running from it.. No longer trying to block it..

Now going back to that hospital in Miami where I was drugged for the birth.. where that time was a nightmare.. na..
Can’t do that..

But I was able to give my bson the medical information from that hospital.. how long was the labor birth weight etc..

Jackie

[keds]

Jackie - Geez! ((hugs)) to you. I had nowhere near any experience like you and yet you seem so much more centred than me! Congrats for all your hard work as I'm sure it took a lot to get where you are today. I have't "owned" up to my part yet. Still working on it. The forums are helping, that is for sure. No turkey for us either - it's just hubby and me so it didn't seem worthwhile. Actually, a bit depressing as no family here and it's the first time. I may just stay in bed!

[Jackiejdajda]

Our pump went so we have no water now.. I am soooo grateful that the daughter is not coming out for her turkey dinner..

Its almost like it was common back then.. this forced sex.. And getting over it was just not talking about it..

Who knows if I am centered on that.. I still hate going to doctors.. Hate it..
I need to go for a check up but I have to deal with a new doctor as we moved a while back..
I do not want to give my body over to him..
Be told what to eat and how to live my life..
Such power they have..

Such power I give them..

Jackie

[thediva320]

Thank you Jackie. I'm glad you liked my post. I got worried that I wasn't clear about "owning" the situation. But you hit it right on the head. Happy Thanksgiving to you guys. I was sitting here wondering WHY you were talking about Thanksgiving in October........silly American....LOL!!

Rose, I hope things look up for you. Sending an email is a good idea. Now that things have calmed down and you have had a chance to think about all of this.

[Jackiejdajda]

The diva wrote

I got worried that I wasn't clear about "owning" the situation.

Its a very complicated thing to sort..
Heck its the root of it for me..

When I first went into reunion I got angry with a lot of issues and people and places and things..
I owned nothing.. It was all outside of me..


We are having turkey next week.. as daughter thinks she can come out then.. we bought a place in the country two hours outside of Toronto..
She is getting a car with her new job.. and can now drive out.. coming out on the train is very expensive..

The water is fixed.. the plumber came yesterday..
In Toronto I know we would have been taken for a ride.. this guy just came in and fiddled a bit and fixed it..
Whew..

Jackie