[thediva320]

Rose,
First of all, congrats on your upcoming grandchild!!!

I'm glad I can help. Just remember, whether your bdaughter acknowledges it or not, she's obviously hurt and probably angry. She also may not have realized the extent of the anger until your reunion. Like I mentioned before, boundaries are VERY important in any relationship but even more so in a reunion. They need to be set and firm as soon as possible. I also believe that honesty is the most important thing in a reunion. (Mine failed due to dishonesty on bmom's part.) As much as you think it will hurt her, one way or another it will come out. And the sooner the better. She may surprise you and completely understand your choice. She might also be able to clearly see why you made your choice and be able to empathize with what you were going thru at the time. Most importantly, most adoptees are searching for answers. And the biggest answer is WHY. Why did you place?

Keep posting here. I think most of us here have some good advice and if nothing else are great listeners. Feel free to pm me anytime if you want to chat one on one any further. Hang in there. Good Luck!!!

[keds]

Rose, glad to see you back! Diva makes some very good points. I haven't had to deal with anger, yet. It's still early on in our reunion and it may come out later on. Honesty is huge. My first meeting was pretty much superficial and I thought I had blown it so I wrote a letter to my bson and "spilled my guts", not something I would recommend as he is a very calm person. It was the right thing to do as he called me the day he received it and we met 2 days later and from there we have done very well. He hasn't asked too many of the tough questions though but I intend to tell him the truth. Your situation is quite different from mine, so it is much more emotionally charged and I honestly can't tell you how to even go about telling her, if that's what you decide to do. Hang in there!

[MiniatureRoses]

Diva,
I don't want to sound stupid, I could give you a definition of boundaries, but for her what would that mean?
I can tell the step kids, my car is off limits to you, or that cake is for dad's lunch. Okay that is boundaries to me.
I've never told her when she can call or write. Should I say if you are going to be upset, don't call/email?
I'm sincerely confused. I'm striving for some answers, ways to do this as best as I can. Like I stated I try to remain calm when she is blasting me. I have even broke into her sentence and said I really have to get off the phone.. then her calm voice will reply okay... like she was in the middle acting a part in a play.

I remember her yelling at me one time, and I never asked her about it, but she made the comment that I should have never had it so good. She ranted about finding a man and settling down.( I think she was talking about me)
I'm reading too much into this, but is she mad because I'm not a drugged out street urchin?
At one time she told me she couldn't save me. I thought that was funny/strange at the time because it took me off guard. Why would I need saving and why from her. Does this make sense to anyone? Is this role reversal, jealousy of my life, playing with my head, or she is confused. My head just spins when trying to sort all this out.

I think honestly would be the best. I most likely made a bad judgement call when it came to the facts of her conception.I took the advice of well meaning family and friends who said no, dont tell, it will only hurt her. I'm so afraid if I told her now, she would think everything else would be a lie. I've been honest with her in everything else. I can almost hear her crying now if I told her. I dont think I could take the sobbing. God help me if she started yelling and screaming something at me. Yes I should have been honest but how do I get myself out of a mess I put myself into 8 months ago.
I may search posts for adoptees who were born from rape and just see how they feel, not ask, just do the research and read, just read.

I've thought about asking her Amom, but thats an area you can tell she dont like to go. I like her Amom but she reminds me of a June Cleaver, or Aunt Bee. Piddles and works around the house, takes care of the neighbors who are sick, waits on DH hand and foot. She's a really nice lady. Maybe she avoids confrontation and thats where daughter is exploding. She was never given the chance to vent. I'm grasping at straws now but so trying to understand.

I'm going to do some reading and make my way around the message boards.
You ladies are great. So kind to come to the aid of a stranger. Thanks for letting me vent and ramble on.

Rose

[thediva320]

Rose,
You don't sound stupid at all. The boundaries you set for your step kids are much the same as you would for her. You have to tell her that it's not okay for her to scream, yell, or disrespect you the way that she does when she's angry. I would suggest that if you are on the phone with her, and one of these starts happening, calmly tell her that you think that "right now isn't the best time to discuss this and that she should call back when she's calmer." I think I read here from another poster, she is testing. I know it sounds juvenile, being her age. But she wants to see how far she can push you before you just shut the door and walk away.
As for her saying you should have never had it so good. There is this taboo in the adoption world that the only reason kids are relinquished is because the parents were junkies. That is not always the case though. She could have just said that out of anger. Maybe she says that because she doesn't understand why, if you ended up being successful......married with step-kids, etc........then why couldn't u have raised her too. Obviously you had ur reasons for not at the time. Which she doesn't know. I am sure she isn't mad because ur not a junkie. But it's easier to grasp that you would be that..........then that is a reasonable explaination. (That's a bit confusing). Example, although I do have a junkie for a bmom......it's easier to swallow that I was placed because she couldn't physically raise me and the state determined that for my best interest, i needed to be placed. Now, you DO have a reasonable explaination, just like every other bmom out there. She just doesn't understand it. (Much like you can't understand what she is going thru because you are not an adoptee, she can't understand what you went/are going thru, because she's not a bmom.)
Now, the honesty part. You are going to have to tell her the details of her conception and why you chose to place. There really is no way around it. I would say, do this face to face if you can. Inform her that you are trying to spare her any further hurt and you took the advice of a trusted family member, hence the reason you didn't tell her before. But that you feel that at this time it's important that she knows. It will also explain why you told her you didn't know who her bfather was. I really don't think there is any way around telling her. I believe that eventually she will find out the truth and if she does, YOU need to be the one to tell her.
As much as it would help to talk to the Amom, I don't think that's a good idea. Personally, if my bmom went and talked to my amom about all this I think I would flip out. I am not sure how other adoptees would feel about that, but I don't think the two should be brought together, unless of course, it was an open adoption or the amom and bmom had some sort of relationship before/during the whole adoption process. Make sense?

[MiniatureRoses]

Thank you again.

I am thinking this through slowly and carefully.
I think I will write it out and mail it to her, but first let her know its coming. That way it will all be out in writing and she can read it over again if she needs. I would rather have a letter instead of a conversation that I can't remember 5 minutes later.

I will just have to brace myself and endure.
I think it will be worth it in the long run. (I'm talking myself into this)
I want her to be a part of my life. I don't want to be the MOM, but just be here for her. Can I be the friend, the aunt like person? I've never asked her what position I should take in her life.

I can pick the brain of my niece but she is not in reunion, she has no need to find bparents.
So asking these questions, I'm sorta relying on you gals.

Please over look my spelling etc, I'm so tired and drained. Truthfully tho, I'm hoping for a new beginning with her, just getting through this terrible spell...it's scary as h*ll. My stomach is twisted and excited at the same time. I just want our relationship to be good. I can't explain how it was just in the first few weeks. Telling about our lives, our pictures, family, love chocolate (Who don't?) what we have in common. Even down to food allergies. It was like a whirlwind romance.
Then boom... came crashing to a halt. Like finding out the person was never real, and here's the real one.

I'm up for any suggestions.
I know a letter seems like a cowards way out, but I just dont think I could do it in person or on the phone. I get nervous just thinking about it.

Okay, off for now. I have to readjust my thinking and get positive about this.

I'm sorry if i offend anyone with my words. Esp the "drugged out mom" statement, I wasn't thinking that could be a person's story. I just wasn't thinking.

Rose

[thediva320]

Rose,
BIG HUGS! I know this is hard for you. As it is for her. I was going to suggest a letter. That always works for me. Cowards way or not, I think writting is therapeutic and you can get things out and the reader has the opportunity to mull it over before responding. Also, write it, read it and write it again if need be.
If you're worried you offended me by the "drugged out mom" comment, don't worry, u didn't. It's my reality, but HER choice.
I think going into a reunion, we all fantasize about what will happen. Naturally we all look at it as a perfect reunion of two people who should have always been together. We go into it with rose colored glasses and always hope for the best. Then we get to the reunion and realize that it's not so perfect afterall. Life has a funny way of doing that to people. I went into mine preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. Although, I had plenty of time and information that would determine the outcome of mine. My reunion didn't turn out the way that I had hoped and dreamed. Not even close. However it did give me the drive I needed to find my bdad and his family. Unfortunately he died in december of 05, I found his sister in august of 06. His sister and I have a great reunion. We talk at least once a week and it gets better everyday. She has told me about bdad, who was the furthest thing from perfect.
I think informing your bdaughter of the position you would like to take in this reunion is a good idea. I would also suggest asking her what position she expects you to take. Inform her that you aren't trying to replace her amom, but that you just want to be a part of her life.
Hang in there, take this one day at a time. Be patient. It will work itself out. Sit down and write your letter, see how you feel after that. I think it's the right move. Good luck!

[keds]

Rose, I'm glad to see you're thinking of being completely honest - my experience is it's so much harder to try and remember the lies than live the truth. I think your idea of researching other adoptees' feelings about their conception is an excellent one. Also, if you are writing a letter someone here once advised me to write it out and leave it for a few days and then go back. Do this as many times as necessary until you're certain that it says exactly what you would like it to so that your message is from the heart and raw emotions are tempered a bit. I do hope that things work out and get some rest - you'll need it. First and foremost, you have to put yourself first sometimes. I know as bmoms, IMO, we tend to put our feelings and needs behind everyone else out of guilt. There are times however that you must be first so that you can help others. All the best.

[MiniatureRoses]

You guys are awesome! I will let you know how it goes.

thanks so much for the support.

I'll post back tomorrow. I know I won't have a letter by then but at least sleep will be easier tonight.

Rose

[Jackiejdajda]

Thediva wrote..

Example, although I do have a junkie for a bmom......it's easier to swallow that I was placed because she couldn't physically raise me and the state determined that for my best interest, i needed to be placed. Now, you DO have a reasonable explaination, just like every other bmom out there. She just doesn't understand it. (Much like you can't understand what she is going thru because you are not an adoptee, she can't understand what you went/are going thru, because she's not a bmom.)

Some of the reasons are lost to some.. There are the surface reasons.. the blame reasons.. but if there was no addiction or forced sex.. how does a person tell the nitty gritty reason and then know the relinquished son or daughter understands..
I went past the “My mother made me.” And.. “We must keep this secret.”
And I tried to understand.. why..

The woman that has a reasonable explanation may hurt the one that is having this explained to.. To cause that kind of hurt.. is so difficult..

You love the person..

This is a deep and difficult situation in reunion.. but wow you nailed it.. Thank you for the thinking..

Jackie

[RavenSong]

Rose, I want to write a long post because I do have similar experience in my own reunion (going on 18 years now, reunited in 1990) with my son. But first I'd like to ask you several questions:

1) You say you've been in reunion for 8 months. Have you actually met her? Do you see her in person? Or is the reunion so far only been thru phone calls, letters, email, etc.?

2) When you say that you think your daughter is "schizophrenic", do you mean the actual disease of schizophrenia, complete with hallucinations, delusions, etc.? Or do you mean she's acting "schizophrenic" in how she seemed to be one person and now is acting like another person? (Many people think schizophrenia means having a "split" personality. It does not. People often confuse true schizophrenia with Dissociative Identity Disorder, which was formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder.)

3) Have you ever received any counseling for the rape, itself? I may be a little biased here because I volunteered as a rape-crisis counselor for many years. I truly believe that it is imperative for women who have been raped to get some type of counseling.

[keds]

Jackie/Ravensong/Diva - excellent posts. I was not a junkie or raped. I knew my family and when found out I was pregnant by the man/boy I loved (and still do) I knew that my mother would raise my child and that if I wanted him to have the "best" life that I should place him for adoption - still fighting the demons! Agree though that if it is too hurtful for her you may not want to share the whole story - and, if I can be blunt - you didn't lie - do you honestly know who the "dad" is, maybe that is the jumping off point. Sorry, I really don't have any experience with this and Ravensong does so I would take her lead. All I can offer is support and wish that whatever you decide is the best for YOU. I know mine wasn't.

[thediva320]

I think the most important thing in explaining the circumstances of your choice to place is how you word it. For the most part, I believe that adoptees are accepting and really do want to try to understand why. It's important to express and own that it was your choice for a, b, c or d. From being on this site for awhile now, I have come to realize that not a single bmom (atleast none that I read) just simply did NOT want to raise a baby. There were other contributing factors as to their decision. Hypothetically speaking, say the state didn't intervene in my situation, but bmom (with the same demons she possessed when the state intervened) said to me she didn't raise me because she was a drug addict and felt that it was in my best interest to be raised by someone else, then I would look at that as a tremendous amount of love and caring went into the situation.
Rose, regardless of what happened that lead you to being pregnant (and I'm not minimizing or even shrugging off how awful that situation was) the fact is, you were faced with an unplanned pregnancy and you had to decide for yourself and that child what your next step would be. You knew in your heart that at the time, raising this child wouldn't be the best thing for her. As with other bmom's who have had to make this TOUGH decision in their lives, you all had to decide one very important decision............What is in the best interest of the child. Which, to me, is the most selfless decision a person can make. Every bmom wanted what was best for their child and every bmom knew they couldn't give that to their child.
Whatever the reason for placement is, it needs to be put out there. I won't say that the adoptee won't get hurt, because chances are they will. However, it's all in the wording. Letting the adoptee know that you were doing what you thought was best for them at the time. But owning what got you to that point and letting the adoptee know that you don't blame anyone (except maybe the bfather who was also there) for your actions is very important. I also think that figuring out your place in his/her life is also key. And that should be discussed as well. The expectation factor, if it's out on the table then there's no "grey" area and everyone knows where they stand. If a relationship of any sort is what you want then that needs to be said. Even if all that can be given is a friendship.
I have to agree with one of the other posters in that bmom's feel some guilt. On the flip side, adoptees also feel some guilt. Especially the ones that ended up in good homes with great afamilies. Because we don't want our bmom's to feel like we are picking one over the other.

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by MiniatureRoses

I'm up for any suggestions.
I know a letter seems like a cowards way out, but I just dont think I could do it in person or on the phone. I get nervous just thinking about it.

I think the diva is right when she writes that the truth will set you free.. (<my take on the words)

But I think there also needs to be some judgment calls.. on terms of when do you tell..
I remember an adoptive mom and therapist posting once that telling the relinquished person that he or she is the result of a rape.. can be devastating.. and she said that she thought therapists needed to be near by.. I know she was talking about a person under the age of majority..

But talk about the primal wound.. IMO this at the top..
I think a person needs to proceed with caution.. What if the letter is received at the wrong moment.. when she is in a bad place..

If we weather the storm of reunion IMO we can then.. see and or observe how the other person is really doing without our own personal demons sitting on our shoulders.. See if they are able to handle some real hard information..

Jackie

[MiniatureRoses]

Oh so many responses and I don't know where to start.

Calling her schizophrenic, that was harsh. I shouldn't have started the thread with those words. I think I mentioned later that I was sorry for calling her names. I was so frustrated. Her actions, I thought were comparable to someone with the disease. I've looked up symptoms and they were quite similar, but I'm not a psychologist. I'm covering a few incidents here that would give the impression of schizophrenia, there's many. She called pretending to be someone else, I have caller ID. I even told her as much and she went on as if there was nothing wrong. Maybe she is just a silly young adult. Who knows! But I should have never posted that statement.

I am still weighing the the decision to send a letter. I will write one. If not for her but for me, I may help myself in some way or another. I can hold it for awhile like someone suggested. I want to research this situation before I move on it. I want to be careful for all parties involved. This will impact her Aparents. They knew the story when they adopted.

We have met, but only twice. We have left the relationship to email/calls. We met about a month into the reunion. Then another month later, and I was reluctant then. That's about the time she started acting out, but in smaller degrees.

At the time of her adoption, I didn't want to report the rape, and I understood that if I went to a doctor, or clinic they were required to report it. This was in the 80's and I wasn't sure at that young age.
I have in recent years had counseling. But the rape wasn't the reason for the initial consult. But the issue was discussed to some length.

I'm sorry if I've not answered all the questions. I do appreciate being asked.
I only wanted to check and see if I had any responses
and be on the computer briefly.
I'm terribly addicted to my soaps and Y&R is about to come on...

I'll continue this evening.

Rose

I'd post quotes for the questions but not sure how to do that.