[keds]

OK my wish has finally come true. After just over a year, and totally out of the blue, I got a call on my cell phone yesterday, just as I'm about to leave for a 5 hour drive for business, it's my bson and he wants to meet! (woohoo!) I have no idea what I said in our 5 minute conversation as it is all a blur. I just kept thinking it's him!! I was standing outside in my driveway as my daughter kept telling me to hurry up as she was dropping me off at the rental car agency. He asked if I was available to meet him on June 30th!! I said SURE but since hanging up the phone I've gone through a whole bunch of emotions - scared silly, excited beyond belief, nervousness to the point I'm sick to my stomach. What if he doesn't like me?? What do I say, where do we meet, what to do, should my husband/kids be there (his bdad and full siblings)? He mentioned that he wanted to meet me first and then the others but that was after I sent him a letter saying I preferred to meet him alone so I'm not sure if he's just being mindful of my emotions. I know it sounds easy to "just ask" but it's the answer I'm worried about. I told my oldest daughter a month or so ago and she wrote him a letter and he asked if he should respond to her - I do remember telling him on the phone that yes, he could write/call her directly. My youngest daughter was to be told once her exams were over on the 22nd. Again, I feel terrible as that's not very long for her to deal with her emotions and she's had a rough year so I don't want to put more pressure on her. A word of advice to everyone, tell your kids when they're younger - I'm sure it's much easier in the long run - secrets kill. I'm also feeling extremely guilty as I've been communicating with him by snail mail for a little over a year and I really want to meet him by myself, first. More guilt! If he wants everyone there, I'll agree as I feel it's only fair to him and them, besides if it's just me he may not even want a second meeting! It is all about him and his pace and I don't feel I have the right to say too much. I feel selfish about even asking. Also, I think I want more in the way of a relationship than he might and putting myself out there is huge, I don't want to scare him off. Not to say I know what kind of relationship, just I would like time to get to know him and his family and maybe spend a little time together. Any suggestions to getting ready?? Thanks for all your help.

[PastorStephanie]

How exciting!!! I remember the thrill and the sheer terror of that first phone call leading to the first f2f. As an adoptee I wished I could have had that first f2f with only my bmom... as it was -it a huge family thing. I often still wish I had more individual bonding time with my bmom before it became the BIG HUGE family thing that it is... Of course, I love the relationships with my bsiblings more than I can express... none the less, I always wish for more with bmom. (Could just be a girl thing though). So I say, put it out there, go with your heart on this one. And let him develop his own foundational relationships with his bsiblings and bdad... they will be healthy that way because each member of the family will own their own relationship with their brother/son.

Good Luck... I hope your relationship becomes everything you want it to be!

[keds]

Thanks so much. I'm going to call him tonight when I get home from this trip - just awful - 14 hours of driving, all meetings and I'm exhausted but I want to do this sooner rather than later. I only hope he feels as you do. I have the same feeling - I just want a little time first - terror is the right word. I've been waiting for this for so long and now it's here I'm scared to death. Thanks and I'll let you know and I'm so happy to hear you've had a successful reunion - I'm hopeful. LOL

[quantum]

I'm so excited for you keds!

Ok...breathe.
I don't think it's so bad to meet with him on your own the first time.
Don't worry about yourself, just be that, he'll like you!
Just let it happen naturally.

I know I was kind of terrified at my ftf! Poor bson had to drive hours to meet us and I kept getting updates about traffic jams he was in. I was terrified he was going to back out! It went really well, was really natural. He stayed two nights in the same hotel we were in (not the same room). We had time together (but his bsisters are very young, so no pressure for a relationship if you know what I mean) and we also went out the first night and just hung out a bit (he said 'how embarrassing I'm hanging out with my mom' can't tell you how much that made me glow!).
Anyway, I don't know how much time you'll have. I didn't talk at all about the future or what I wanted or anything, I just let him lead the way.

KEEP US UPDATED!!!!

(((((keds)))))

[keds]

Thanks, I appreciate the advice. He's about 5 1/2 hours away and will also be driving. He's staying with friends. I told both my daughters and they are so excited. Unfortunately, my husband is very angry as he didn't want them to know and that makes this all so hard. I'm now at the point that I'm going to do whatever I can to make my bson and daughters happy. After all, they are the most important. Besides, my husband will eventually come around. all the best and I'll let you know.

(((quantum)))

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by keds

OK my wish has finally come true. After just over a year, and totally out of the blue, I got a call on my cell phone yesterday, just as I'm about to leave for a 5 hour drive for business, it's my bson and he wants to meet! (woohoo!) ... If he wants everyone there, I'll agree as I feel it's only fair to him and them, besides if it's just me he may not even want a second meeting! It is all about him and his pace and I don't feel I have the right to say too much. I feel selfish about even asking. Also, I think I want more in the way of a relationship than he might and putting myself out there is huge, I don't want to scare him off. Not to say I know what kind of relationship, just I would like time to get to know him and his family and maybe spend a little time together. Any suggestions to getting ready?? Thanks for all your help.

Hi, and I remember the feelings when my bson found me and we had a F2F within a month of first contact! as you say, Wahoo! it was great. I'll tell you what worked for us and then you choose if there's anything there you like. My son was 2 hours drive away. We went through the adoption agency and the plan was for me to arrive an hour before, meet the adoption worker (he was 28 by the way) and discuss my hopes, fears etc - in fact I had some discussion by phone and emails with them as well as emailing my son. An hour later, my son arrived ! and he came into the room that had been booked for us, and then we went for a walk around a pretty city - 4hours together! it was brilliant, he made me laugh so much, and we clicked immediately. He then went home with his adoptive mother (whom I didn't meet) and I stayed overnight with my best friend who was there for me after the reunion.

Its only my opinion, but I think bmothers and sons should be alone for the first meeting. Its a massive thing and there's lots of emotions and you want time alone. Others can be taken care of later, but I feel you need to focus on yourself. Also, I was not prepared for the colossal effect it had on my son meeting me for the first time in 28 years. He pulled back, to gauge his feelings some time after our first meeting and I was totally unprepared for it (apparently its quite common, but you have to chill out and let them go through it, you may find you feel the same), so the more you can prepare for that the better. There are several stages of reunion that may help you, let me know if you'd like me to PM them to you or on the thread, I know I've posted them on one of my replies, so you may find it under Jannyroo.

Anyhow, ENJOY! and whilst guilt is our lot, that over time needs to dissipate, as we become a special relationship in their lives. Don't underestimate your needs. I ignored mine for a year and then had emotional collapse, but I put up protective but loving boundaries and my son is responding very well. So in my opinion, you do have to consider yourself as well, its healthy.
If he's asking to SEE YOU, then it sounds to me like he wants a relationship with YOU, so enjoy, but be cautious, tentative, gentle both on yourself. You are wise to gauge any pace he may want, but also recognise your own. ENJOY - I'm so excited for you. I remember my reunion and the feelings are wonderful.

I look forward to your future postings!!! (((Hugs))) and whoops of delight!!!!

Oh, before I forget, I took a large photo album of photos of his biological family as a starting point for us to discuss and share, it was a great ice breaker so to speak and gave us something to focus on to introduce ourselves to each other .... and.... we met up the next day too, as it was so successful the first time round. We spent all day together, the first 2 hours alone, and the rest of the day with my friend included, and then a bit of time, say an hour alone, before I had to go home. We had pub lunches and he drove me round the local countryside, so whilst my friend followed, we did have some time alone and sometime with my best friend. The adoption agency said that in such an emotional time of first reunion, you MUST have someone to support you after the meeting, but again, I would say its your special time, have it alone with him. You will treasure it forever. Relatives can come later... my son is still not ready 14 months later to meet his biological relatives. I can't tell you how excited I am for you

[keds]

Hi Jannyroo,

Thanks so much for your advice. If he is agreeable, I will meet him alone first. I know I'm going to regret it otherwise. I don't want to worry about "other people", just him and me. I was going to have him come to the house but your ideas seem more appropriate. He's coming to town so I may just rent a hotel room or something like that so we can have some privacy. If it's not too personal, a hug or a handshake. I'm a touchy feely person but we are strangers after all and I don't want to make him uncomfortable, but Oh, how I long to hold him again - but I'll wait if that's what he needs. Also, I better get on with the album - we didn't take too many pictures but I'll make copies and get them for him to take a look at. I have 75 people coming to our house tomorrow for an annual BBQ. My in-laws are here and they will be staying until Thursday (my daughter's graduation is Wednesday) so if he arrives on Saturday it's going to be a short time to really get ready (my in-laws are wonderful people but this never happened, if you know what I mean). All the best and thank you for your help. I'll let you know. My feet aren't touching the ground at the moment!

[quantum]

It's probably a good thing that you have so much going on this week! it will help the time go a bit faster.

You're doing so well keds! Don't forget to breathe. Everything will be fine.

I know what you mean about the in-laws not knowing. That's something I'm struggling with a bit. Mine will need to know! especially if bson does what he says he wants to and comes to visit, because he'd be staying in their beach cottage! How can I explain a 22 year old guy that I know? I do want to tell them, but I'm scared.

Congrats to your daughter as well!!!

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by keds

Hi Jannyroo,

I'll let you know. My feet aren't touching the ground at the moment!

WONDERFUL! I remember the feelings I had, and there's nothing on this earth that feels like it. ENJOY and BE YOURSELF! Will be thinking of you, I don't think ecstasy is too strong a word when I was meeting my son and people could see the GLOW on my face for weeks to come and weeks before!!!!

I'm really thrilled for you!!!!

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by quantum

I know what you mean about the in-laws not knowing. That's something I'm struggling with a bit. Mine will need to know! .....How can I explain a 22 year old guy that I know? I do want to tell them, but I'm scared.

I remember that scared feeling, I went into meltdown with fear... all those years I'd kept it a secret and here I was about to let a couple of hundred people I know, know that in fact, although still single, I was actually a mother. Once I started to do it, I think I was almost paralysed for 2 weeks!!

You know what? Everyone was fabulous. I started making a list of people I told, and after counting 140, I stopped counting. But everyone was so like "oh wow, you're a mom? like wow, oooooh" - it moved peoples hearts. All those years and there I was fighting with shame, stigma, all those feelings that the 70's brought with closed adoptions. I'd written down all kind of come backs to anyone who would be unkind and it just didn't happen? I told people that I interact with too - at my bank, post office, I really started to get bold. I'M A MOM!!!! YAHOO!!!!

However, i was given a word of advice and it may help you? Imagine your worst case scenario, and then work out how you would deal with it, what you would say, then if you meet it, you are prepared and if it doesn't - it doesn't matter. I thought that was great advice, hope it works for you too. (((hugs))))

[keds]

Jannyroo - great advice - about the worst case scenario - mine is - he won't like me and will walk out. I can't control it so that's it. God I hope not. Quantum, remembering to breathe sounds silly but I've been there where you're so scared you hold your breath. My bson is 27 and I keep thinking that if my husband takes off next weekend and the kids are both away and this 6'3" good looking young man comes to the house and stays for a few hours (I hope) then I would have a lot of explaining to do. I'll let you know when and where we're meeting - I'm hoping he calls early tomorrow as I'm on pins and needles. Take care and thanks for being there.

[quantum]

Originally Posted by keds

and this 6'3" good looking young man comes to the house and stays for a few hours (I hope) then I would have a lot of explaining to do. care and

Isn't it funny the things that go through our head! As I was wandering around Harvard Square with my bson the first night when we had our ftf he said 'How embarrassing, I'm hanging out with my mom' I said 'well better people think that than that you're my boytoy!'
Well, it was funny at the time.

I know I was feeling so weird in the days up to the ftf, a bit separated from the situation, like I was protecting myself in case he didn't show...

Hang in there!

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by quantum

Isn't it funny the things that go through our head! As I was wandering around Harvard Square with my bson the first night when we had our ftf he said 'How embarrassing, I'm hanging out with my mom' I said 'well better people think that than that you're my boytoy!' Well, it was funny at the time.

Don't worry, on 1st day of reunion, my son and I were walking around a pretty town, when we stopped and asked someone to take our photograph. My son (touchingly) was holding me hand for most of the afternoon and the woman took our picture, with my son's arm around me, saying, "how romantic" which cracked us up. I am a very young looking 50 year old, but my son made me laugh. After we had our picture taken, he said "did you see that woman passing us mum? she looked at us as if to say "she's old enough to be your mum" - well she is my mum!". Great memories of our first day together. He made me laugh so much in the 4 hours we had on our 1st day, I had to beg him to stop....!!!

[keds]

Thanks for the laughs - I can see people's faces now! One question, did you meet at a hotel, restaurant and then go for a walk. I'm trying to figure out what would be best. Also, a little more sensitive question, and I'm not sure I've asked before - hug or handshake or what?! I'm a "huggy" kind of person - only since I heard from him a year ago. Before that I kept my emotions to myself pretty much and didn't "show" people my love for them in case they didn't reciprocate. We are virtual strangers but I just don't know what is appropriate - do I ask? It seems odd, and my other kids are like - no way mom - just do it!!

Still waiting (patiently) for the call. NOT!

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by keds

Thanks for the laughs - I can see people's faces now! One question, did you meet at a hotel, restaurant and then go for a walk. I'm trying to figure out what would be best. Also, a little more sensitive question, and I'm not sure I've asked before - hug or handshake or what?! I'm a "huggy" kind of person - only since I heard from him a year ago. Before that I kept my emotions to myself pretty much and didn't "show" people my love for them in case they didn't reciprocate. We are virtual strangers but I just don't know what is appropriate - do I ask? It seems odd, and my other kids are like - no way mom - just do it!! Still waiting (patiently) for the call. NOT!

these are only my thoughts, but if you are a huggy person, you can bet your bottom dollar he is. My son got hugs and kisses from me.... for the first time in his life. He never got them from his amother (not a criticism, its just the way she was brought up) - but he loved it. It did however cause him anguish later, as it felt so strange, but he didn't want it any other way. Although you are "strangers" you may find like I did, that the bond of being the bmother and son kicks in almost immediately and you may find both of you doing and saying things that you instinctively recognise in each other. Its weird to the point of being almost supernatural at times, but its a crumb of comfort and "gift" I felt from my son after all those years of being separated.

Also, when my son came into the room and I got up and we just put our arms around each other, be aware that I felt "who is this?", because, he is a stranger, whom I'd never met. So try not to expect too much as to how you are going to feel. You may react differently, but that's how I felt.

Restaurant? i feel its not private enough, not for a first time. Hotel - if you can hire a private room for an hour, then go for a walk after, yeh, much better I think. Or maybe find a quiet part of a hotel where such a meeting would be appropriate? I definitely found that first hour in a private room so much more accommodating to my feelings and his. So any building where you can have a room to yourselves and it seems appropriate for the occasion. We had both emailed each other saying we expected to be very emotional and cry and we didn't! THAT was a surprise!! So don't be perturbed by your reaction or his, as there is absolutely no guarantee as to how you are going to react to each other.

We met up c/o the adoption agency in a pretty town/ city. They made a room available for an hour and someone was to "pop" in to see how we were getting on. If it was not successful, we could just then part with the benefit of an intermediary, and a neutral place. But if it was successful (and it was) then it was suggested that after an hour, we go for a walk around town, which we did. 4 hours later, they had to call me on my mobile to say when are you coming back!! His amother spent time alone as did my friend waiting for me, so that we both had someone to go to after the meeting, but we spent our time together alone and he held my hand the entire time we were walking about town. I didn't meet his amother and he didn't meet my friend on the first meeting. The time was for us and us alone. Then time to be with our thoughts. I then stayed overnight and we met up the next day too, to make the most of a long journey, as it was 2½ hours drive for me. That's why my friend did the driving, as emotionally, this experience takes you to a level I never thought possible.

So I would say BE NATURAL. Don't beat yourself up. I was completely myself and so was he, even though we were strangers, we were also amazed about the jigsaw pieces that fitted in, just on talking. Don't apologise or keep apologising for anything, as it will stifle it and it will be awkward for him to keep saying don't. I found that my son wanted to protect me as much as i wanted to him .

One point, if we were to meet up now (and he's used to the hugs and kisses I give him over the email/ phone) then I would want to hug him again, so there is no way I want to meet him somewhere very public. So you may want to consider a town park or somewhere, where hugging won't seem out of sorts, as I am not prepared to hug him outside a shopping mall etc no way! But a private room, maybe a hotel room or something, whatever you feel appropriate to your feelings and again, don't be so concerned about his feelings that you forget yours.

I think your kids are entirely right - just do it! And enjoy the effects that this reunion will bring. I think its great that the buried part of you that made you a huggy person has come out. I certainly have benefited from the reunion and it brings out things you never knew!