[kndhrted40]

I am a 40 yr old adoptee that has just recently located my birthmother. She lives ONLY 20 miles away from me !! I sent her a "letter" telling her she may be my birthmother, and included a copy of my original birth certificate. I tried to be sensitive in my writing and to not at all sound accusatory. I also included my name now...my address and phone numbers in case she ever wanted to call me. I also included a SASE for her to write back, even if I had the wrong person (Which I doubt I do)....
I sent the lettr certified, restricted, with a return receipt...to ensure ONLY She got the letter and I would have proof she received it...which she just has 8-3-02.
I find myself now very depressed....because no phone calls, no returned mail etc. I have heard nothing at all from her.
I had hoped that she would be as happy to know of my existance and I am of hers....but so far that doesn't look like that is the case.
This is really effecting me in a negative way....I feel rejected again and very hurt by this. Am I wrong to feel this way so soon...? It has ONLY been 5 days since she recieved my letter? Am I being impatient? Or do I wait longer....and still hold onto a thread of HOPE that she will someday contact me????? Is it true, that the majority of found birthfamily members DO want contact of some kind? And do you believe my birthmother loves me?
Please, any advise you can give me on this matter would be greatly appreciated. I am new to this forum....but very scared of the "What if"s"....

Thanks
Raspberrywine39@aol.com

[lbmckay]

Dear Raspberry,
Reunions, and potential reunions are soooo complicated. It's impossible to predict how the other party(ies) will feel or is feeling. Reactions to these things vary as much as people do. When you were born, 40 years ago, the world of the "unwed mother" was dismal... filled with shame, lies and fear. I had my son in 1966, and we were encouraged to "forget" all about it and pretend that our little accidents didn't even happen. Mentally healthy, eh? People today can barely believe how it was for us. If your birthmother seems to be reluctant, or taking extra time with this, it might be for a lot of reasons. It might be shock (we were told we'd never see our children again--we had no hope of ever doing so) or it might be fear (many bmoms have never told their families) or it might be a host of other reasons. Many of us have lived lives of denial, even almost convincing ourselves, sometimes. I can only answer your questions from my point of view. I always, always loved my son. Even when I couldn't know him, I always loved and missed him. I jumped at the chance to know him and have him in my life. But everyone isn't like me. I would advise you to take good care of yourself. Gather a good support system around you. If you don't hear from her in a month or so, I'd try again, being very honest about what you want (medical information, to meet her face to face, to be somehow a part of her life if that works out for both of you... whatever you're thinking you want/need.) That may help her make a move. Feel free to keep in touch here and I'll do my best to support you, too. Best of luck, my dear.
Linda

[Ronna]

Hi Kindhearted40/raspberry,
As a birth mother I just wanted to let you know that even though I had placed my son for adoption in the 70's I never forgot him, loved him and missed him! It was very sad to think of him, every time I tried to say his name ,I got a big lump in my throat and there were times I cried a river of tears all alone in the darkness of the night.
Because the times were so different back in the 60's especially concerning adoption practices its very difficult to understand the magnitude of emotions that have risen and re-awakened in her by your contacting her. I went over and over the scene in my minds eye, replaying that old tape recorder of those that participated in my son being placed for adoption at the time just like it was yesterday. When it became too painful I would shut it down which was my pattern of survival through the years. We have to learn how to 'feel' what we were not permitted to feel so long ago.

Its being able to face the depth of that pain, confronting in some way those who were or more important weren't there for her at the time she had to sign those papers. Telling friends, spouses, kept children, etc. I hope she is able to recieve lots of validation and support this time around! I wish you luck in pursuing a reunion and healing to all involved.