[katlyn]

I found my daughter on April 10th 06, she'll be 20 on the 28th. My question is this, I have a number and address for her bfather. I haven't made contact with my daughter yet, still not sure how to go about it. Anyhow, back to my question, should I call and let her bfather know that I have found her and intend on making contact with her. I want to put this out there for him, so that I can have an idea how he will respond to her if she wants to meet him too. I have not met with her yet, and have no idea how our first contact will go, but I thought I should be prepared and this way if he seems open or closed to the idea I can throw that out there if she asks. I have not spoken with him in at least 13 yrs, but I thought even though he swore she wasn't his, maybe he's grown up since then. If anyone out there has a similar situation, any advise would be wonderful!
Thank you in advance for any ideas and suggestions to those who respond to this.

[katlyn]

Just thought maybe I should clear this up, in case anyone is wondering. There is no doubt that the man I spoke of in my earlier thread seeing that he was the only one I had ever been intimite with at that time in my life. He knew that she was his, otherwise he wouldn't have wanted a picture of her. Anyway, I'm not trying to defend myself, just hoping someone might give me a little input on whether or not I should let him know there is a possibility that his daughter may want to contact him in the near future. Plus if he seems like he's going to be nasty about the whole thing, I can at least tell her that he might not be open to meeting with or talking with her. Or should I just give her the address and number and let her do with it what she will?

[Jody M]

Hi Katlyn! I would not contact the birthfather at this time. Often reunions can become much to complicated and overwhelming for the adoptee. Too many people and too many emotions/expectations coming at once. Many adoptees I have met in the past 12 years of attending and hosting adoption triad support groups- many wish to find their birth mother first. Often in time and some sooner or later will have questions about the birth father. Then it would be appropriate to tell her the truth and some details about the past and the relationship. Share realistically that you are not knowledgeable if He would be open to contact or reunion. I would invest your energy/time now on your own contact and reunion and let the rest come naturally. Adoption search/reunion can be emotionally draining. When you make your own contact and discover if the adoptee is receptive, and open and ready for a reunion, you will know when it is right to share about the birth father. My suggestion, wait on this until your own reunion takes place and you establish contact/relationship with your birth daughter.

Hope this is helpful! In my life, I put these things to prayer, for though I can only see the smaller picture- God sees the bigger perspective/eternal perspective. I trust Him for Wisdom and guidance for I embrace Him as the one who is All knowing and Sovereign over life and circumstances. He's the best to guide me and His timing is right in all things.

Blessings, Jody M
Others may have other suggestions.

[sunnyfromNY]

My son and I were in reunion for six months before I gave him his bdad's name... he never asked but I thought he should have the information. I left it up to him whether he wanted to call or not.

He called. His bdad denied that he was his father.... the jerk! It could only have been him.

[kune]

Sunny
Are you wild with bfather because he has hurt your son or hurt you? Liars are like leopards - they don't change their spots. People who dishonor you are not worth the energy you expend on them. If it's important to your son.........go to battle Girl!! If it's you he's hurt....well you knew what he was like and he hasn't surprised you. If you want him to feel some emotion about the whole thing, ask him for a sample so DNA can be established. See how he reacts then.

I understand your &*%#%!( but......no point in letting it rattle your cage.

Ann

[eastendmommy]

Hi Katlyn. It might be some time before your Bdaughter wants information on her Bfather. Let it be her decision and her call. If/when she inquires about him, simply provide her with his personal information and let her do the rest. It's not up to you to navigate her reunion with him...That's between the 2 of them!
Hugs, Tammi

[bmomliz16]

I gave bdaughter all the info she needs, after flip-flopping on this exact same issue about a million times. I finally concluded for myself that my relationship with her is mine and that his should be his own, separate entities. She has made the comment that we could all get together and have a happy "family reunion." I had to nip that in the bud real quick. While I've been extremely respectful in speaking of him, those eyes are not eyes I ever want to see again, and to hear that voice again would bring me unimaginable pain. Bdaughter does not need to witness that. That is for me to deal with, not bring to the table. Luckily in her I see his beauty, something I blocked out for a very long time. I have warned bdaughter to take into consideration all the "what-ifs" when it comes to contact with him. More than likely he will request a DNA. I've explained that this is not a slam against me or her, but that he's the type of person who will NEED that confirmation. Honestly, I would be the same way if I were a man in today's society. Sorry for rambling.

[katlyn]

Thank You for your advice. You weren't rambling....seems the more I talk with other people about my fears and doubts, the more I want to "ramble" myself. Having had no one really to talk to over the years, now that I've found this sanctuary it all comes pouring out of me it seems. Thank you to everyone for your advise, I think that my first instincts were right, I'll just leave her reunion w/ her bfather up to her and give her the information when she's ready. I'm not in a hurry to have any contact with him, not that our separations was on bad terms, just strained. Anyhow thank you to everyone!

[bmomliz16]

I know exactly how you feel. I didn't speak about any of this until about two years ago. I still don't speak about it, except here. Who else would understand?

Good luck to you!!

[hello&goodbye]

katlyn
I would contact the birthfather, that way it will be easier for her if she wants to connect with him later on. i think your foresight on this is great. You are right even men can grow up a little bit lol! It will be much smoother for her if she wants to meet him as well, if he is not open to knowing her, well then you can deal with that bridge when you both come to it. Sounds like you are trying to plan for any outcome that may happen, good for you I wish you luck on your journey!

Adoption is not a four letter word

[kakuehl]

Katlyn,
I once asked the birth father what he wanted me to do if our birth son contacted me and wanted to know about his bdad. He told me that he'd let me meet him first and trust my judgment. (Thanks a bunch! ) Unfortunately he died several years ago of cancer and never got to meet his bson.

I did call bdad's widow and let her know - bson has a half brother who is her son. I hope they will get together some day. I gave her bson's iinfo. I don't know if she passed it along to her son. (He's in his 20s.)

I don't know if there's any one right way to handle the situation. Relationships (if any) between bparents vary greatly. What's appropriate in one case would never work in another.

I'm really helpful, aren't I?
Blessings
Kathy

[katlyn]

Kathy,

I find a little help in all the responses I get, each one makes a good point, each coming from different perspectives and from different circumstances. It's basically, like you said, there is no one right way to deal with this type of situation. I suppose it's a learn as you go process . Yes you did help a little in your post, basically, my thoughts on contacting the birth father were this. I don't want my bdaughter to suffer if he decides he doesn't want to claim her as his own. I know how hard it is to make that first contact, at least if I can give her a heads up as to how I think he might recieve her. Then leave the decision to contact him up to her, I will not offer up the information until she is ready if ever to contact him. At least, if he says that he's not her father as before, I can let her know his feelings in advance, so she'll be prepared for whatever response he might give her. No right way, really, it's all so difficult...I'm just going to trust my instincts and use all the advise that I've recieved, cross my fingers and hope for the best .

[kakuehl]

Katlyn,
As I reread the suggestions and replies to your question, I think I would probably call him and sound him out (does he still deny her, etc.). I would be honest and say that I've found her and will give her his info when she asks for it. I would also be open with her about his previous denial. (Bdad did initially question paternity originally in my case, until he discovered I wasn't expecting anything from him! If he saw him today, he'd have no questions. Bson sounds just like him and has many of the same gestures - it's amazing!)

By the way, are you making your plans to contact her? Just having the info is an incredible feeling isn't it?
Kathy

[sspete]

Katlyn...

I went through the exact same thing you are going through. When the news first broke I was pregnant he gave his little song and dance spill that he didn't know if she was his. I was a nervous wreak that she would ask about him, and she did!!! I gave her all of the info I had about him though so she would atleast know who he was. He was really a sweet good guy, just a scared teenager as I was!!!

I did however contact him after I contacted her and a mutual friend of ours gave him some pictures of her for me. I have not heard a word from him since!!!

I don't know what I will do if she ever wants to really know him, because I REALLY don't know how he will respond to her????

Hang in there and let the chips fall as they may...Hopefully everything will work out fine!!!

Staci

[reunionspouse]

I have not posted for a while. I will give you another story that many people only hope happens.

Adoption agency contacts bmom wanting to know if she wants to be contacted by bson.

Bmom calls bdad (my husband). They both contact adoption agency, open file.

Bson is given all information. He calls both, only reaches bmom first.

Both parents have grown up. The past is the past. Both parents send off family pictures and wait.

We all reunite together. Both birth families. Supporting each other through the rollercoaster ride of reunion.

What a great time we have had. The joy,and sadness of catching up on 25 years apart.

The truth is....every case is different. That little voice inside is right most of the time.

My husband and I were thrilled to be included.

Good luck