[quantum]

So, here we are. February 26th 2007 I first made contact with my birthson.
I guess it's gone pretty well. I mean, he's only 22 but he's pretty together. He seems interested in having contact, but of course the initial rush of emails and excitment is well over.
We did have our FTF and it was really great. He seemed a bit shell shocked, but also seemed to have a good time and we share a weird sense of humor.
But now, we're back in reality. We live an ocean apart so planning the next FTF is not something we can right now. He's working, studying, lives with his girlfriend. I completely get that he's busy! If I don't hear from him in a while, I email and he writes back, but still...
I guess I just wish we had more in common.
I wish that his desire to take time to get to know me more was stronger.
I miss him.
I miss the years I didn't have with him.
I'm frustrated that I'm fighting all of these feelings as well as all of the demons that are popping up after 22 years of secrets and keeping things inside and that the only person I can really share them with is my husband, well there's here of course! But cyberhugs just aren't enough sometimes!

I know. We have the rest of our lives to get to know each other. And perhaps in a year or two when he's settled down more, he will be ready for more of me. It's hard to wait though. I don't want to take the 'easy' route and pull back to protect myself.
I don't want to feel a twinge of jealousy at those bmoms who have such a fantastic connection that it eases things a little! I AM happy for you guys! just a little jealous!

I'm also feeling a bit down that I'm living in a country where I don't really understand a lot of the social rules. Is it ok for me to talk about this with friends? I know where you live is no guarentee of how people will react! I also have a bit of a language barrier. My swedish isn't too bad, until I get into subject matter where the terminology is unfamiliar! This is a big one!

I'm also wondering about all sorts of choices i've made in my life, how affected by relinquishment was I really??? Did I stay with the mentally abusive husband longer than I should have because I agreed with what he was saying?

Oh well! I just needed to get this off my chest.
Thanks for listening!

[keds]

Quantum, big (((hugs))) to you. You are a little further down the road than me but I think we share the same feelings and insecurities. The only difference, my husband isn't interested in getting to know him (he's fighting his own battel) at the moment and yet my daughters are - and I'm feeling guilty as I'm not sure I want them involved yet as I want more time - talk about screwed up! I think what you're feeling is quite normal - I too miss the years without him and even though he gave me an album and has told me that he's had a good life and is fine with everything - I'm NOT! His birthday is tomorrow and I'm driving 300+ miles to see if he wants me to say Happy Birthday in person, rather than just a call. It will be a long day as I have to drive home as well. I know what you mean about him being busy and I don't want to intrude and yet, sometimes I get the feeling he wants more and other times not so much. It is hard to keep putting yourself out there and fighting the fight but the alternative is not attractive to me. Kune has it right - I'm thankful for what I have now as it is more than most and yet I'm still yearning for more! Hang in there, at the very least, having you and others like me to "talk" to makes it a little easier to cope.

[InBlindFaith]

((((Quantum)))) If I could fly out to Sweden and give you a great big hug I would!!

Your day will come!!! Until we can help each other stay patient...only good things can come from all of this waiting.

More ((((HUGS)))))

[quantum]

Thanks for your supportive words gals!!
:-)

[kune]

QUANTUM
Don't be despondent

I guess I just wish we had more in common.
I wish that his desire to take time to get to know me more was stronger.
I miss him.
I miss the years I didn't have with him.

We all have these thoughts (especially the last) but it's early days yet

I know it is possible to weave a relationship that crosses an ocean. My son lives in Australia and I live in New Zealand. Bit by bit we have managed to learn more about each other, find commonalities and lifestyle similarities, we've crossed lots of hurdles and finally are at a place where we both feel comfortably connected as friends.
I have my list too - I regret I'm not his motherI regret we were both wounded by adoption
butI love being his friend
And by slowly taking it one day/one month/and oneyear at a time, we have moved past what is missing and look forward to what is to come.

It's taken 5 years. 5 months after the face-to-face I was still having sleepless nights and day terrors. Checking the e-mails every hour, and waiting for phone calls - too scared to ring in case I was thought of as a nuiscance.

At 5 years + I know to not wait and stress - I make the call
At 5+ years I trust him to be an enduring part of my life. Maybe not in the same form - but trusting and inclusive.
I want to be a Grandmother to the children he hopes to have.
I want to be friends with his wife.

And what keeps me going is the belief that MY TIME WILL COME. Every conversation, phone call or e-mail lets us add a little and learn a lot.

Those emotions in the first 6 months are extreme. No couple could sustain that pattern. It was envigorating and oh so exciting and fearful, but it's not life as we know it. I think your plan to do apersonal evaluation and finding a way to work through your buried "head stuff" is positive. And very healthy too.

Sharing your story with others is also cathartic - to actually vocalise....."I gave birth to a son and placed him for adoption." ........... is like letting the secret shrivel up and die. Once it is shared it is a secret no more, and saying the actual words to others somehow makes it very real and right. To know for sure that the listener isn't going to tar and feather you is a relief too.

Can I suggest that if the language is a barrier to you sharing the biggest thing in your life at the moment, find someone on the threads from Sweden and check how they feel about your story. Ask them about the terminology or the right words to use. (Love the forums.....they are full of insightful and wonderful people).

I don't want you to hurt. I want you to embrace your reunion and see it as a blessing. An opportunity to know your young man that was once denied you, and for you both to weave together something that you will hold dear for the rest of your life. Attitude is everything!!! Be positive - and think about this "bit" I found on another thread. I thought it was well worth remembering.

Regards
Ann

Watch your thoughts they become words, watch your words they become actions, watch your actions they become habits, watch your habits they become your character, watch your character it becomes your destiny.

[quantum]

Thank you Ann! That was a real boost for me.
I also got a letter back from an Aunt today, who I'd written to and told part of my story. She was so positive and happy for me, and sad for what I've gone through. I'm so glad to get some more support in my family as well. It helps!

I'm reassured that it's not 'over' yet. I do appreciate the positive. I just need to be patient!

Thanks!

[FAYE56]

Quantum

First congratulations on your reunion! I am an adoptee and I would love to be in "reunion" with my Bmom - but its not something she wants - that stories for another time.

What I wanted to tell you - is don't stress about the lack of communication - my oldest son lives in Florida and I'm in NJ and yet I don't speak with him on a regular basis. He's busy with work and his life down there and I'm the same up here. We speak once or twice a month (more if he needs something) Also, according to him - I'm mom and right now he has more to say to his father (even though I was mother/father when he was growing up - my boys were raised in a single parent + grandpa household).

Heck my boys could care less that I found my Bmom - about the only thing they've said about this whole process was that they would pay their Bgrandmother a visit if I wanted them to (at my expense of course) and that's only because if would ruffle her and her husbands feathers.

As for talking to other people about how you feel and what you're going through - go for it - just don't get down if they don't understand - I've come to the conclusion that the only people who know what your feeling are either right here or someone you've grown up with and knows everything there is to know about you.
(fortunately I have someone like that in my life)

Good luck to you and your son

[keds]

Ann, you are very wise. I printed out your "bit" and posted it on my computer to remember. It should help me keep things in perspective.

Quantum - I too am trying to find my way and "talk" to friends/family about my reunion. I met up with some old friends last week and again today and when I told them the reaction was what it should be - they are thrilled for me and all positive. I know there will likely be some that will be negative but I'm going to concentrate and put my efforts on the good ones! I can't control what others say and do but I can control how I react and decided if I want them as part of my life or let them go. So far, so good.

[kune]

Ah Keds
It's a brave thing you do !!! (I know how hard it is to finally let go of the shame) and to receive positive affirmation makes the next telling easier. To me it was part of that healing process that everyone talks about and yes...it gives you some control.

Stay focused

Ann

[keds]

Hi Ann, you are so right. I've only told 3 close friends, one of whom I work with so I was a little hesitant as I didn't want it to affect my work. I shouldn't have worried too much as she has her own personal baggage and I think I purposely picked the people I did as I was almost certain they would be supportive. Unfortunately, our friends who we holiday with and spend a good deal of time with are very judgmental and it is likely that our friendship will end (comments about others that were in my situation over the years regarding how they should be punished). It's odd but they are the ones that I really want to tell - not sure why but probably because I am tired of keeping secrets.

The shame is "dissolving" a bit as once I say it out loud it doesn't seem to be such a big deal, not sure why that is? I'm wondering if it is because I'm actually very proud of my bson and what he has become and want everyone to know about him. My youngest daughter actually reflected my feelings by telling me that she wants to shout if from the rooftop! Could it be that the decision I wrestled with and regretted all these years allowed him to be successful and I can finally let go?? Does that make any sense? Besides, if friends fall to the wayside then I guess they weren't really true friends and I would trade any of them in a second for what I'm hoping is a lifetime relationship with my bson. Of course, that's easy to say without them staring blankly at me, saying something mean and walking away! Courage! I'm so happy for Quantum and I'm going to see my bson again at the end of the month. Although it is a long drive, we seem to be doing OK contact wise but I know from posts and reading that the first 6 months are not indicative of how things will always be so I'm going to enjoy it while I can and hopefully lay the groundwork for a stable relationship. All the best.

[quantum]

It sounds to me like you are on your way to a good stable foundation Keds! We can hope, right?

I had written a letter to my Aunt. I got an answer this Thursday and she was so supportive. She said she cried when she thought about the pain I've been going through but was happy that this chapter has a happy ending. It feels so good to have her support.

I'm still quite scared to share with friends in Sweden. I've told two people, but they were carefully chosen in some ways and have been supportive.
After finding out how few children are relinquished in Sweden (10-20 a year) I'm afraid i've gotten even more afraid.

I guess on the positive side of so few adoptions that happen inside of Sweden, you can see how well having a lot of social financial support can help. The goverment support programs support a mom staying home for the first year, higher education is free and there are good loans to help with living expenses. I can see the high taxes going somewhere.
On the downside I read that many more teenagers are choosing abortion. Adoption wasn't even mentioned as an option. It makes me a little sad. I know so many of us are hurting, but I am proud of the choice I made then.

[keds]

You should feel proud of your decision! I know I am learning to do so. At the time, I waited 6 months before telling anyone I was pregnant as I didn't want to be forced into a decision I personally couldn't live with but I do have friends that made a different choice, as it was best for them, and they have had to deal with their own pain. There is one common bond - most of us were scared, had noone to count on and didn't know much of anything or how we would feel afterwards (most are still hurting!). The first friends that I told the night before I was meeting my bson were so happy for me and after I told them how great our weekend was they told me it was like a movie or a book with a storybook ending! I do hope so!

Sweden sounds like a great place and I can see that the smaller number of people that share our experience would make it difficult to talk to anyone. I think it's sometimes hard for people to relate to the situation. I too am being careful about who I speak to and hope I don't make the wrong choice as I don't want anything to negatively impact my reunion or that of my daughters and husband (bdad). I have to give up worrying about other's opinions when all that matters is what bson and my immediate family thinks!

I went back through the momentos from the hospital and found a bunch of scribbles and poems - ee cummings and one of my favourite quotes by George Sand - There is only one happiness in life – to love and be loved. I couldn't agree more! All the best!

[quantum]

I waited until 6 months to 'find out for sure' about my pregnancy as well. I think it was partially fear and partially not wanting to be pressured into something I didn't want to do.
As a matter of fact my college advisor took me aside and said she believed some states still performed abortions as late as 6 months! GOOD GRIEF!!! Makes me feel a bit ill thinking about it in retrospect.

[keds]

Yikes! I miscarried at 5.5 months and my doctor asked if I wanted to have a service. I had 2 miscarriages after placing my bson and thought I was being punished, crazy I know, but hey. Then I had my first daughter and my second was born 17 months later! 2 more miscarriages before I had to call it quits - my heart couldn't take anymore. When I was pregnant with my bson it was my mom who came up and asked me if I was pregnant (6 months along). I guess being 5'9" and 125 lbs for the longest time a big belly bulge was fairly noticeable! He was born in July as well so it wasn't like I could hide under bulky sweaters.

I went back through some of our older posts and I think we're doing O.K. Congrats to us for sticking it out and I have a good feeling about everything. I'm taking Ann's advice and appreciating what I have but it's hard not to pick up the phone and call him everyday. I don't know if he would mind or not but I think once a week is about right so I'll test the waters and call him this Thursday (we've met each Thursday for the last 3 weeks) and see. My husband doesn't want to talk about it and my eldest daughter is quite jealous and feeling left out - although she did say if it was just a meet and greet and goodbye she wanted no part of it so I'm going to ask him if we can enjoy our relationship for 6 months or a year or so before putting pressure on the others. Of course, my youngest daughter wants him to be part of her life NOW. She is younger and I don't think she has though everything through as yet. I hope you're well and I'm glad you're helping me along, it's much appreciated.

[quantum]

I cannot imagine the heartbreak of going through miscarriages. I've been lucky in that!

I completely understand you wanting to pick up the phone everyday! My bson is HORRIBLE on the telephone. Also with the time difference and his schedule, I'd never know when to call. I think it's good that you're not giving in to your urge to call all the time! I like the idea of calling on Thursday, gives you an excuse 'Hey! We've seen each other the past few Thursdays so I was thinking of you!'

I wonder if adoptees think about US nearly as much as we think about THEM! No matter what I'm doing I think my bson is at least on the periphery of my mind. You know what I mean? He always has been and having contact has intesified that.

Please keep letting us know what's going on! I love hearing it, feeling like there's hope for me further down the line! (your son is a few years older and probably a bit more stable in his situation!).

Many hugs!
Tamara