[chinabloo]

As a birth mother, would you EVER forget your child's birth date?

My birth date is October, 11, 1968. In a letter that my birth mom sent to the Salvation Amry in 1994, she said my birth date was "October 23, 1969". In a document she filled out for the adoption agency during the same year, she wrote "10-19-68?", and then in an email to me, she again referred to 1969.

I asked her about it and the response I got was, "it was the most traumatic situation of my life and I did my best to forget it." I guess if it were me who had been through such an ordeal, I'd NEVER forget the date, let alone the YEAR! Heck, I lost two pregnancies and still remember those dates!

However, having not been in her shoes, I thought I'd ask you ladies who have been in her similar situation. She was not forced into the adoption - she was 22 and made the decision for herself.

Thanks in advance for your responses.

[patrisha]

Since the date on my son's amended birth certificate isn't the same date I remember...... I must have forgotten.

Trish

[Nano]

The date on my daughter's amended birth certificate is different than the one I remember also. I verified it with 2 friends, who where there, and they both agree that the amended certificate is wrong. My understanding is that it's pretty common.

[bajohnson]

I'll second Nano. It is very common for a birthmom to have "blocked" out one of the most traumatic days of their lives. They are going through sooooo much, labor and delivery, and then the thought of relinquishing their child...... I totally understand the situation. I didn't at first, and I understand how someone forgetting that info can seem callous. Please try to understand. Have compassion. Those things aren't important in the long run. Reunion and healing are.
Good luck to you!
Hugs,
B

[sspete]

I agree with the other bmoms.....I truly think it is something our mind does to protect us. Even though I knew the date of my daughters birth I would often in the begining get it mixed up with the day her aparents arrived to take her home. REALLY strange!!! Again try not to let that bother you it is nothing against you or her trying to forget you......TRULY!!! It was just SOOOO very hard to deal with everything happening at the time of labor, delivery, and the adoption process!!! Blessings to YOU!!!!

S Pete

[silverqueenbee]

My experience was after finding my birth mom was that she said every year around the holidays (my birthday is Dec. 1) she would go into a depression--but she never forgot my birthday.

There are other things though that she has said that she says she definitely blocked it out because it was so hard.

Just my experience...Becka

[debsdone]

My birthmom is totally unaware of my birthdate. Same with the boy she gave up....my brother. Love, Debi

[SoulWhisper]

Chinabloo,
Hearing that scenario is painful for both adoptee and birthmom but it happens more than people realize. It is a result of trauma. Like PTSD, or in severe abuse cases, memory is sometimes blocked out. Please don't take this to heart, we are all so uniquely different in our emotional capabilities. It isn't about you, but rather her inability to cope with loss and pain.

Try to find forgiveness, it will bring you peace...



Love

[Carol Bird]

Although I never forgot my daughter's birth and birthdate, in the past several years that I have been active on a Birthmom Chat and A birthfamily Forum, I have discovered that there are MANY birthmothers who were very young, confused and frightened at the time of birth -- so much so that the dates were subconsciously locked away in the mind.

Even some of the older Birthmoms 18, 19 and 20s have scrambled memories because of the constant admonitions to "put it all behind" them and "go on with (their) life".

But that doesn't mean that they did not care or that their child was unloved and unwanted. It is a terribly confusing time, and sometimes the mind blocks the memory of painful times.

Don't dwell on that! If you have a match and all of the clues connect, get on with it and have a happy, lasting and loving reunion.

Life is much too short to waste time looking back on the painful times.

Have patience and understanding.
Hugs, Carol Bird

[snow princess]

Carol

Very well said !

hugs to you - Snow

CHINA-

First my sincere sympathy for you - having a miscarriage has to be very difficult to go thru, I have not been there, but my sister had 3 and I know it was extremely difficult.

As far as your bmom forgetting your birthdate - I have talked to many other bmoms who have gone thru the same thing. It is not an uncommon occurance for someone to have "traumatic amnesia". Having a child and placing that child for adoption is a very difficult thing to do, whether you chose to place or were "forced" to by family, society, whatever. Given that you were born in the late 60's, even though your bmom may have made the decision herself to place you - most woman that made that decision were in essence "forced to by society", they were shunned by family - sent away to have babies. Sure you can keep your child but if you have no place to live, no job, or a minium wage job, no insurance, no one to help you - how to you keep and raise a child? Back then there were not the programs that are available now for single moms - help was NOT out there. Adoption was the only option for most. Single pregnant woman were not accepted!! plain and simple! There was No "murphy brown" out there saying it was okay!

Your comment that "I guess if it were me who had been through such an ordeal, I'd NEVER forget the date, let alone the YEAR!" Well you arent in her shoes, nor were you, so you really do not know what you would have done and how you would have tried to cope with the decision.

If you truly want a relationship of any kind with your bmom, my suggestion is - don't dwell on it. Some bmoms never remember the date, i've talked to a few who have mental block to weeks around the "birthdate" of their child, some cannot focus on events for a year surrounding the date. It does not have anything to do with the child personally - It is a "medical" issue. Some victims of violent crimes will experience the same "traumatic amnesia" it is your brains way of dealing with something it cannot cope with.

Also - many states have changed DOB on birthcertificates, especially back in the "dark ages of adoption" thru the 1970's and some still in early 1980's. So October might be the right month but date could be wrong on your amended BC.

Try and be a little sympathetic to your bmoms emotional issues with your DOB - tell her this is the day that was put on yoru ammended BC, so that is what you celebrate - If you truly want a relationship with her - dont worry about it!!! Invite her to celebrate with you on "your" birthday.

Let it go - move on - get to know her - maybe you will gain a lifetime friend!

My best wishes for you and your bmom
hugs
Snow

[LIR - NFL]

I would have a hard time telling my girl how much I thought about her all these years, how hard it was to do what I knew was best for her and it was done only out of love for her - but I didn't even remember her birthday. To not remember her birthday would seem like she wasn't important enough to remember. Maybe the date is different on the amended birth certificate but I know for a fact what date, year and time she was born. To me, it is about her - her very beginning moment and I was there. It meant to much and was to important to forget even with the feelings of loss and pain.

[LIR - NFL]

Im not denying anyone anything. I was talking about ME and how I feel. I said "I would have a hard time telling my girl how much I thought about her all these years, how hard it was to do what I knew was best for her and it was done only out of love for her - but I didn't even remember her birthday."

I did NOT speak of anyone else. Someone above said "It isn't about you, but rather her inability to cope with loss and pain" I dont agree with that. To me, it IS about my girl. My feeling of pain and loss is secondary. Others may feel different. I dont tell them that they lack compassion if they feel different than me. I NEVER said anything about others not loving their child. Thats your words.

My friend from the home and I have always got together on our girls birthdays. Not really a celebration but a memory time. I dont think anyone that was with us at the home would forget. There was lot of sadness but smiles to. Most were strong young women facing reality. Everyones different but those I knew would remember the special day.

[bajohnson]

LIR/NFL- You may not have meant to sound harsh, but the simple fact is that you did. It's that old adage that if one person tells you that you have a tail you may, but if 4 people tell you that you have a tail, you'd better check your behind. You sounded like you thought less of mother's that couldn't "even" remember the birthdate. Your emphasis on even, made it harsher then it needed to be. There is no need here to push another down to raise ourselves up. We need to encourage each other without shaming.
B

[LIR - NFL]

bajohnson, Please show me a quote from my posts where I said anything about what I thought of other mothers let alone said I thought "less" of them. I said how "I" would feel, if "I" didn't even remember MY girls birthday." I said nothing about how others should or should not feel as that is not my place - or yours. Instead of guessing how you think I "sounded" read my words. I said how "I feel"- not anyone else. Others may feel different and I would not "push another down" but I feel the way I feel and I don't need to be pushed down for the way I feel by you either. Is this how you "encourage each other without shaming"?

[Sharon]

I did not remember my bson's birthdate until I decided to search for him and began looking through my old paperwork. In my case, I'm not sure it was the result of trauma or anything like that; I'm just not very good with dates. That sort of thing means very little to me. I realize it means a lot to some people. I'm sorry you were hurt by the fact that your bmom does not remember your date of birth. I hope you won't let it interfere with your relationship. Not everybody thinks about time the same way.
Best, ~ Shar