[katlyn]

First, let me say thank you to everyone for your responses, I will let you know how it goes. I have gotten in touch with my bdaughters bfather, by email and by accident. I had looked at his profile at classmates, and let them send him a notice that I looked. He responded with a brief hello email and gave me his regular email address, so that's a plus! I have not however told him that I've found his daughter, I'm going to wait until we've sent a few emails back and forth to get caught up . Then I'll let him know. Yes Kathy, I do intend on contacting my bdaughter, and YES it is an amazing feeling just knowing where she is. I'll keep you all posted on what happens next.

[JoEvans]

I wished I could find the birthfather of my son. Just so he would quit calling my parent's house. I would let him know anything that I did about our son.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by katlyn

I found my daughter on April 10th 06, she'll be 20 on the 28th. My question is this, I have a number and address for her bfather. I haven't made contact with my daughter yet, still not sure how to go about it. Anyhow, back to my question, should I call and let her bfather know that I have found her and intend on making contact with her. I want to put this out there for him, so that I can have an idea how he will respond to her if she wants to meet him too. I have not met with her yet, and have no idea how our first contact will go, but I thought I should be prepared and this way if he seems open or closed to the idea

Please be very careful, I can't honestly encourage you to do this after my own experience. My son found me this year and after 4weeks of wonderful emails and a reunion that was bliss, 3 weeks later I offered to find his birthfather. His bf replied in the negative and it has blown not only my son to bits, but our very early relationship. People are not kidding when they say take it SLOWLY. To me, slowly is a difficult concept - what is slow? weeks/months/years? Anyway, the resulting agony that ensured would make me very wary of saying anything but let your daughter decide and dont mention it if you can help it, if you do, you have to be prepared for the price you may end up paying. For me, I feel I have lost my son twice over, I have no idea if he will contact me again whilst tending the traumatic rejection. Best of wishes to you,

[Patty-cake]

I would not tell him until she has the information to search with. If I could do it over in my case I WOULD POST-PONE GIVING HER THE INFORMATION AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. Give her time to bond with you. My daughter asked me in the first letter. I warned her that she might not be well recieved judging by past behavior. It took only two weeks for her to find him.

If you have read my other posts you know that he hopped on a plane and met her before I could. She bonded with him
first. So when she went into information overload I was the one to go- even though his behavior way back when was unconcionable.

I don't know if the things he said about me mattered to her or not. Not lies- but he put me in a bad light.- somethings that go on between a man and woman (boy and girl) should stay between that boy and that girl. (even after after thirty-something years.)

It is easy to forgive the boy- harder to forgive the man but I'm working on it.

I don't know the circumstances of your childs relinquishment but in most cases I'd say keep your contact with this man limited. You are sitll "on your own".

[banjo]

I think that it is the adoptees right to ask for info about the bfather and to look for him when they are ready. my bdaughter's bfather pleaded with me to have an abortion and when I refused he said I was ruining his life! How could a baby could ruin anyone's life??? dah silly boy. If she asks one day I will pass on everything I know about him including photos but it will be up to her if and when she chooses to contact him.

[marymaid]

how does everyone feel when your birthmother does not introduce you as her daughter? This is what i am going thru I met my birthmom and B sister and B brother about 2 years ago but when we go to her house she tells her neighbors and friends that I and my family are friends. Is she ashamed of me?

[txrnr]

I doubt it. Maybe she's trying to respect you by no forcing a family relationship on you. Maybe she still has some feelings about the era she surrendered it and doesn't feel she has the right. Have you asked her?

[kune]

marymaid
I think she is being very respectful of your aparents. She is not wanting other to assume she is person you call mother. If you want her to introduce you as her daughter, ask her if she is comfortable doing so. I am sure you can both learn a little bit about each other if you talk about the little things (and the biggies) that have that "ouch" factor in the reunion. It's all part of building the relationship.

As a birthmother, I don't only want to know the things that are good in our relationship. I want to know the things that annoy or hurt too.

Ann

[quantum]

I agree with Kune!
I don't know how I'll introduce my bson to people. I soo soooo sooooo want to say 'this is my son' but I want to make sure he's ok with that first. I mean I won't really want to get into 'this is my son who I relinquished so many years ago blah blah'

Ask her, maybe she just needs your permission to say it!

[keds]

Here's my 2 cents - ask her! I know it's a tough question but sometimes you have to put those feelings aside and be totally honest. I am just in a reunion with my bson and haven't asked him either but we are still meeting in public places and neither of us wants to involve the rest of the family yet as we're enjoying each other's company and trying to build a trusting relationship.

One of my fears is that we'll be out for dinner or a walk and run into friends or co-workers and then what? How to explain what me, as a 44 year old happily married woman is doing having dinner with a very good looking 26 year old! The tongues will be flapping! I too am looking forward to introducing him as "my son" but would never do so without speaking to him about it first. Since we're early on it might be too soon for me to approach the subject but if you're comfortable in your relationship, and it sounds like you are, then go for it!

[marymaid]

i think too it has alot to do with the era she grew up in because she was sent away to have me (in 1962) and her parents wanted to keep everything hush hush so maybe this has something to do with it. I have introduced her to my friends and family as my birthmom. I am OK with it. Also her husband is in his 80's and he is backward so that might have something to do with it too. Thanks for understanding. Keep in touch.Mary