[rapunzel_001]

My birthmother pushes every boundary everytime I have any contact with her. I have expressed this to her gently and told her what I consider acceptable. She just keeps pushing. I agree to see her a few times a year out of pity. I refuse to return phone calls that fall on holidays, but she just keeps calling all day long.

Most recently she declared her intent to come to my law school graduation. She did not ask, she declared. She does this in front of other people so I feel constrained to be very polite. I told her it was a family event to me and that I would not have time to spend with her that day. It was very hard to have to say that. She blithely insisted that that would be no problem, and what was the date, she'd like to book plane tickets.

I feel like she is forcing me to be very rude. I do not want her there, she makes me anxious and upset and I want to enjoy my day with my parents and my friends. I feel like she wants to be there so she can be introduced as my mother. But she is not my mother and never will be. My mother is the woman who raised me.

The hardest part is that she and I are very much alike. Emotionally, I am well aware of how I would cope with unrequited love like this and how deeply I would feel in a similar situation. We are both people who feel intensly. So on an intellectual level I feel very sorry for her. But in the end, I have to protect myself emotionally from her constant onslaught.

I have decided to try one more time to communicate my feelings. I want her to know that I do not want her to come to graduation and I don't want the type of relationship she wants. But I don't want to crush her and I do want her to know that if she can respect my needs, I can remain open to some sort of relationship. But I am not open to an instant relationship based on biology. I want to grow as friends the way any other strangers might get to know each other over time. I feel like this might be an impossible thing for her.

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by rapunzel_001

I have decided to try one more time to communicate my feelings. I want her to know that I do not want her to come to graduation and I don't want the type of relationship she wants. But I don't want to crush her and I do want her to know that if she can respect my needs, I can remain open to some sort of relationship. But I am not open to an instant relationship based on biology. I want to grow as friends the way any other strangers might get to know each other over time. I feel like this might be an impossible thing for her.

No is a wonderful word.. Some will say that some of us do not learn it in childhood.. Not allowed to say no.. or..

“NO.. I won’t..”

I can remember walking around the house saying “NO!” over and over… what fun that was..

She may lose you.. I hope and pray you get that across to her..

Jackie

[rapunzel_001]

lol, if you asked my mom she'd tell you that I am an expert at saying no. Apparently as a child I said it constantly. I wonder why I've lost my touch with my birthmother? I guess I feel like she hasn't heard anything I've said so far, and I suppose I'm afraid that if I am completly direct one more time than I am going to have to follow through and that following through will hurt her.

I already feel responsible for so much hurt that she feels. I know it never had anything to do with me, but this woman is in so much pain over me and I am unable to give her what she needs. And it makes me sad.

[Pinakitha]

Dear Rapunzel,
Your bmom probably thought about you all your life and now that you have reunited is going through all kinds of hell as you turn away from her and tell her that you are not interested.

Are you not willing to compromise somehow? It seems to me that you have a lot of (possibly unconscious) hostility towards this woman and I am wondering whether you shouldn't speak to a professional about the whole situation. BTW friendships require BOTH parties to compromise, not one party to dictate to the other how the relationship is going to be.

If you simply want to take your time to get to know her and to build a relationship gradually, then tell her so. But ... is this really what you want? Do you really want to simply keep in touch once or twice a year? Do you really want to be "just friends"? As Nancy Verrier would tell you, this woman is not a friend, she is your (other) mother.

Try to be adult and show compassion. Try to be honest about your feelings. If you find it hard to talk to her, write her a letter. Whatever you decide to do now may affect the rest of your life. I hope you will think carefully before reaching any decision.

[rapunzel_001]

Try to be an adult? I suppose I though that was whatdo by trying to frame this conversation as kindly as possible. I consider it a compromise that I speak to her at all. She has been so incredibly invasive that I feel smothered and under incredible pressure to return emotions I do not feel. I'm afraid you can't compromise on love. You either feel it or you don't. I don't.

I do feel hostility towards my birthmother. From the get-go I was very open and honest with her and have continuously expressed my desire to have a relationship- but at a slow and reasonable pace. She has consistantantly tried to manipulate me into more than I am ready for by making demands that I am not comfortable with. For example, I have told her that if she calls me her daughter or introduces me as her daughter I feel extremely uncomfortable. She goes out of her way to introduce me to everyone by louding exclaiming, "This is my daughter!" Yes, I understand. To her, I am and always have been her child. But do we really need to announce it to every waitress at every restaurant? I went to her mother's funeral, I wanted to pay my respects. At the funeral home I was dragged in front of the receiving line and introduced as her daughter to 800 people. Turning her down would have caused a scene. Doing it against my will to be polite made me incredibly furious. These are small examples, forgivable in and of themselves. Multiple by ten, then add a lot of extraneous touching, and public exclaimations of undying affection. Try to imagine if someone you did not consider to be your mother did this to you.

Her family is mortified. At her mother funeral she went after her brother tenaciously because he did not express enough interest in me, apparently. So the poor man came over after a public browbeating to express his apologies. I looked at him and told him that he should focus on his mother and that please, please he should not think I was in the least concerned. His mother had just died, his interest was not in meeting me and that was understandable.

The biological connection doesn't mean that I should love her. It certainly doesn't mean that I should let her continue to act in a manner that makes me physically ill when I think about her. The thing is, I value friendship very much. I don't place a lot of stock in biology. Why would I, all the love I knew in my life had nothing to do with biology until now? So being my friend is a pretty big deal to me. Being my biological relative is not.

Friendship may be about compromise, but there are groundrules. I can't grow to care for someone that makes me feel so hunted.

[Southernroots]

If you have told her before, but gently, you may need to be more forceful and make sure that she gets it. I was pretty thick-headed myself in the beginning of reunion. It took several very blunt talks and emails for some stuff to finally sink in with me. I needed to lower my expectations, be less hovering and move more at my son's pace. Even though those conversations and emails hurt me deeply, I needed to hear my son - and pay attention to what he said. I did and ultimately it helped our relationship. I did not get all defensive and hurt and overreact though it wasn't easy not to.

Can you find an adoption support group in your area? Your issues with your birth mom are very common ones and talking to others who have walked in your path could be very helpful.

I don't know though, if you consider even talking to her a compromise, that makes me wonder if you do not have a ton of anger toward her that needs to be worked on. You sound ambivalent about whether you want a relationship with her at all - maybe you are. Personally, I would hate to think that my son only stayed in touch out of pity. Counseling and or a support group could help a great deal.

Do you understand that she introduces you as her daughter because she's terribly proud of you? Isn't that kinda understandable? Have you told her not to? I will admit that I have always been ultra respectful of my son's wishes in this regard. I asked him if he minded if I introduced him as my son.

You need to have a really serious talk with her and not mince words. If subtle didn't work, be more blunt. It will hurt her, but, in the long run, you gotta do it. Let her know how serious this is to you and that big changes must be made.

Makes me wince to hear that you don't want her at your graduation - so sad. Could you work on her behavior and reconsider?

[kune]

rapunzel
You do whatever you need to do to have a good and happy life. If the inclusion of your birthmother disrupts that life to the point where your patience is being tried too much - step back. Maybe she needs to be told why you are stepping back too so she has the opportunity to work through her emotions and come to a place where she is considerate of all concerned. Then you can start again - hopefully with her much wiser and more composed.

I suggest you remind her that anyone entering into a reunion should honor the other participant's role as you tread gently down a path of reconciliation.

I wish you well
Ann

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by rapunzel_001

I guess I feel like she hasn't heard anything I've said so far, and I suppose I'm afraid that if I am completly direct one more time than I am going to have to follow through and that following through will hurt her.

I already feel responsible for so much hurt that she feels. I know it never had anything to do with me, but this woman is in so much pain over me and I am unable to give her what she needs. And it makes me sad.

First, you are not responsible for your birthmom's pain. Nor is it your job to protect her or heal her. You are an adult that deserves your wishes respected. It sounds as if you are going to have to be really clear about what your boundaries are. If you do not want her at your graduation, you need to be really clear about that. Do not give her the date/time, etc. If you need to embarrass her a few times in public by standing firm, then you need to do it.

Relationships are a two way street. However, one of the main componants of a good relationship is respecting others boundaries and sensibilities. Your birthmother seems to be doing neither.

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by rapunzel_001

I already feel responsible for so much hurt that she feels. I know it never had anything to do with me, but this woman is in so much pain over me and I am unable to give her what she needs. And it makes me sad.

How can anyone be responsible for someone else’s healing.. Its living out side of yourself.. Its being a reflection of other people..

She wants her baby back.. She can not have that.. No one can turn back time..

If a woman is forced to relinquish her baby then that is what she grieves and or resolves.. the being forced..
The loss of her child through adoption..

I think we all suffer from this secret keeping that happened in the bad old days of adoption.. The aparents being told to pretend the baby is theirs.. The mother being told that she can go and sin no more.. and the child a slate wiped clean..

Its magical thinking.. and darn it thinking a person can take back time is beyond magical thinking.. I had so many dreams when I went into reunion.. unreal dreams.. Dreams I did not share with anyone.. because I knew no one would understand.. Dreams that had nothing to do with reality..

I had to find my reality in my reunion.. and I was smart enough to realize that if I did not I would end up with no reunion.. It hurt.. but I was the one who had to sort that.. He (bson) could not sort it for me.. all he could do was send honest signals..

What Brenda wrote is a right as it can get....
“First, you are not responsible for your birthmom’s pain. Nor is it your job to protect her or heal her.”

She is responsible for her pain.. she is the one who is keeping it going.. not going into the learning about acceptance.. Accepting what we can not change..

I fixed me.. I healed the stuff that was and is my life..

Jackie

[Lynard1210]

Rapunzel,

Hi there. I am an adoptee, although not in reunion. From what you are describing, your birthmom sounds very unstable. I am not trying to be judgmental but if someone is calling all day long, I would question their mental health. If she does not respect boundaries, that is another clue of instability. I agree that you are not responsible for your birthmom's pain and you certainly have a right to your privacy and to withdraw from the relationship if it is making you feel smothered and unhappy. I have an ex-friend who smothered me and brought way too much drama to my life and in order to regain my sanity, I had to walk away from the relationship. It is unfortunate but some people do not possess the ability to empathize with another's feelings. I fear that continuing a relationship with your birthmom will bring you more of the same stress to your life. Sometimes stepping away can help you detach emotionally and then you can make a rational decision later. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with protecting yourself from any toxic relationship, even if that person gave birth to you. Hang in there,

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by Pinakitha

Are you not willing to compromise somehow? It seems to me that you have a lot of (possibly unconscious) hostility towards this woman and I am wondering whether you shouldn't speak to a professional about the whole situation.

How can you say this? What if she does have hostility towards the woman.. Why is she not allowed that hostility?

Is the birthmom a poor soul who needs to be taken care of?

I think not..

I think of the birthmom that does not want contact.. do we tell that birthmom to go and get some therapy so the adoptee is not hurt.. Do we fix everyone and everything?


Jackie..

[dpen6]

Jackie,

Tried to rep you but I need to spread it around.

THANK YOU for your great post above...we have all come so far.

All we all want in this triad is to be treated as equals and you, kune, and Brenda have done so

I have so often felt on these boards(and sometimes in real life) that the burden of making everyone happy was up to the adoptee...no matter how old. It really is a relief, a lessening of pressure to hear confirmation from other bmoms.

Thanks again

Donna

[Southernroots]

I think of the birthmom that does not want contact.. do we tell that birthmom to go and get some therapy so the adoptee is not hurt.. Do we fix everyone and everything?

Heck, yes, I would tell any birth mom who doesn't want contact that she doesn't know what she'll be missing. And yes, I would certainly tell her to try getting some therapy.

But, no, we can't fix everyone and everything, however, we can at least give it our best shot. Sure don't believe in just saying "oh well, it wasn't meant to be" and giving up. That's a royal cop-out to me.

[dpen6]

southern roots,

Would you tell the birthmother to get therapy to help herself or to help the adoptee not be hurt?

[Southernroots]

Would you tell the birthmother to get therapy to help herself or to help the adoptee not be hurt?

Either or both - I think it is in both parties best interest, in most cases, to reconnect. Some birth mothers do not feel that they need to heal - I think many feel that they can benefit from therapy.

I am as much an advocate for adoptees, as I am for birth moms, maybe more. And I hate when I hear about a rejecting birth mom.