[Susan1987]

I was reunited with my bson August 22, 2005. He is nearly 18 years old. It was great, and has been up until about the 1 month mark. We became very close, talked on the phone, text message, and emailed almost every day. The newness was overwhelming for both of us.
I know that it scared my husband and did it the aparents I am sure.
We had so many questions for each other, and I wanted to answer everything he wanted to know.
I felt impressed to back off, out of respect for the aparents, I have only met the afather, who asures me that the amother will be calling me soon, and she hasn't. She has requested that I not go to my bsons sports, because she doesn't want to have an awkward meeting with me in the parking lot.
That is not my concern. My concern comes to the drastic change in my bson and my communication. It is next to nothing. He is a busy 17 year old with many friends, and a life to continue with even though he knows me.
I think that he is secure in having so many questions answered now, that he doesn't need me. Am I right?
And that scares me. I want him to be secure, and I want to be a part of his life. He did tell me that my role would be to be his friend and be there for him. So I think that means to let him come to me. Which is hard, but I want to do the right thing for him.
Can anyone help me with these feelings. I have not yet experienced the teenage years, my oldest is 13 1/2, Im getting there, but just unsure about things.
My biggest fear is that he will move on and the door will close again (this was a closed adoption, No contact at all) and I don't know if I can go through all of those emotions again.

Susan 1987

[lbmckay]

Hi, Susan,
Sorry it's taken so long for a response here. How are things going now? I think it's very normal for your birthson to back off from communications. At first, it's kind of like a honeymoon... with a lot of excitement and questions being answered. Then, the newness wears off and regular life takes over. Try not to take it personally (yeah, sure.) because if he says he wants you to be his friend, I believe he means it. Try to keep in mind that this is only part of your life. Even though it feels so huge right now, it will calm down. Feel free to post more and let us know the current situation.
I'll try to be more in touch.
Best of luck,
Linda

[FauxClaud]

My son is the sam age and followed pretty much the same pattern.
Lots of contact at first..and now not as frequent.
I make a point of dropping him a line here and ther. Not so much as to overwhelm him, as I know he is busy, but enough to let him know I am here, I am thinking of him, and, most importantly, I am not going anywhere. I think everyopne in adoption is very sensitive to precieved rejections, so that is a constant battle on both sides.
I am very open with what I say and how I feel..I don't edit out of fear, but do keep things tempered to a degree. Sort of filter out the intensity.

The other thing to take into consdsideration is the possibility that his parents have made it slightly uncomfortable for him to contact you as freely. He might be feeling some guilt whether warenteed or not or might just be reacting to their mixed emotions. It didn't sound like they were so gung-ho if things were decribed as "akward".
It is, usually, something that he might have to work out himself and with them and since he is young, it might take a while and some more years of independance before he can separate his feelings more form them or even just deal with them in a mature way.
If you felt it possible. you could try to talk to them to see if they have any onsight. Depending on how they veiw it and all, they might be receptive to being more involved. Seek thier advice, etc.
In the meantime, I would not take it personally. Reunion is a hard thing, as you know and very emotional. It is totally normal and expected for someone to pull back just to process their feelings in some peace. Sometimes people run from the overwhelming emotional flux and nned a break. The best thing you can do is just keep being there for him and letting him know.
Good luck.

[Susan1987]

Claud: Iwas so suprised to see when you placed, because I placed December 09, 1987, and reuinted August 22, 2005 F2F. It has been healing to find those with similar stories, and time frames too.
My bson and I have had a little more contact. He has come to me, so that has been reassuring for me. I have been able to step back and remove my rose colored glasses, and decifer between my wishes and reality. I thank another forum memeber for using the rose colored glasses analagy, it has helped me a lot.
I mostly have concerns regarding the amother. I have not met her yet. I have met the afather, and he has told me that she will be calling me. That was int he begining as well as the 30 day mark and nothing yet. I was told that she is busy with a project and is putting together photos and films because nearly 18 years is a lot to catch up on. That is true, but.... the longer it goes, the harder it is to put the fear out of my head that she doesn't want to do this. Im better than I was about putting it out of my head. I have been given some different advice about sending her a letter, or calling her myself. But my gut tells me not to call, because I was told that she wants to go to lunch with me. I don't know if it would be right of me to take the initiative. I was also told to maybe ask my bson what he thinks about me calling her. I don't want to put him in the middle either.

What do you think?

Susan1987

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by Susan1987

.... the longer it goes, the harder it is to put the fear out of my head that she doesn't want to do this. Im better than I was about putting it out of my head. I have been given some different advice about sending her a letter, or calling her myself. But my gut tells me not to call, because I was told that she wants to go to lunch with me. I don't know if it would be right of me to take the initiative. I was also told to maybe ask my bson what he thinks about me calling her. I don't want to put him in the middle either.

What do you think?

IMO you can not change what the woman is going through.. She may be having a terrible time and may not be able to connect with you or the reunion.. she may be trying but……....

I know next to nothing about my bson aparents.. I believe that is the way he wants it.. I respect this..

There are some great amoms on here who are willing to share what they go through when reunion happens.. love4 is one of them.

Jackie

[FauxClaud]

Wow...that is neat about the time frames!

Ok so the positive spin too could be that she is sweating and worring about the photo project. It's 18 years of photos to go through, make doubles, put in order, maybe she is adding notes, worring about what to say, making mistakes, having to redue ones...I mean, I could see myself in that position getting completely neurotic about it and wanting it to be so perfect that it's a mountain of impossibility,
If your gut tells you to wait, then wait.
It's so much easier sometimes to assume the bad things instead of assuming the good possibilities. And you know what? If it does turn out to be a difficult go, you'll know it for sure when it's obvious. Until then, assume good.

Sometimes it seems like there is the intense emotion and competetion between the amom and nmom because they want to occupy the same space. And the thing is that they don't. There is not just one lable for a "Mom" given out upon existance. And some people just happen to have two moms.
They can be equally important. And loved and involved. But parellel to each other on planes of life. Not in the same space at all, so there is no need to feel pushed by the other.
We each has something that the other one cannot have. One has the years and the memories. She has the stories and the pictures of his life. But the other has the bond of the womb and existance and history. Predisposition, clan and genetics.
ANd no matter what the other is permenantly lost to the other.
Ah, crying child and barking pup.

[mliz]

Dear Susan,
I know your heart much ache during this "getting to know you" process.
I am an adoptee and have been reunited for 19 years now. I was 41 when we "reunited" and certainly not a teenager but I think the same emotions apply. After the initial honeymoon period, which lasted about a year I became totally overwhelmed by the whole thing.
I thought I was certainly mature enough to handle the reunion but found that my emotions were that of a child. I felt suffocated by my birth Mother. She and I floundered for a few years. There are no rule books for reunion. Common sense isn't an issue. It's mostly about grief and love and separation and pain...for everyone involved.
We hung in there through the rough spots and always kept in touch.
Now she's 84 and I'm 61...neither young and we're so happy and grateful to have each other. My advice is to take it slow and easy. Better to err on the side of caution than to jump in and scare him away.
My best to you and your family. Mliz

[Susan1987]

Well I am sosorry that I've not gotten back on tho the forum to give you an update. First let me say thank you to those that posted. Just Sunday while chatting with my bson, I was hit will the notion that this meeting with his amother may not happen. It was really hard. This is what was said when the subject of meeting her came up:

My bson said, "They don't mind that I spend time with you they just think it might not be a good idea for them to get involved because it is a relationship with you and I, not them. NOt that they don't like you, they are just very cautious about this and don't really know how to approach it. It's not like they have gon through this before haha no one has."
So at first I took this really hard. Then part of me thought is what they said to him, or what he assumes they are feeling. I have gotten some advice about my bson maybe not wanting me to know his family, for what reason Im not sure. But Im going through hell again, beating myself up thinking I did something wrong, or ....
I can only hear my brain telling me to be patient and just wait, send him an email here and there telling him hello (which I do) and then my heart goes out of control with fear that will go through the emotions of losing him all over again. And worst of all, I hate feeling this way, Im someone that sees myself and really grounded and in control, so I feel so out of sorts. Im one of those that wants to do it all right for everyone involved, his famil, my family and most importantly MY BSON. I screwed up 18 years ago by getting pregnant, Ive set out through life to make sure I never screw up that bad again. So far so good, with some minors errors. haha we all have those.

Thank you Thank you for your words of encouragement and sound advice. I couldn't think a lot of this throught without the knowledge that there are others wearing my same shoes out there, that are willing to listen (read haha) and share with other to help them heal.

My Cup Runneth Over!

Susan1987

[FauxClaud]

Susan.....really consider yourself lucky. The fact that they see this relationship between you and him as something that they don't have to be involved in and they don't have to control is really, really a good thing. In essence, they are totally right..it IS between you and your son...and if it had happen naturally back 18 years ago, then it would not have involved anyone else...just a mother son connection. I think it is really really cool that they said this. To me, it shows a great enlightenment by them and also a great trust, in both you and him.
It would be much worse if they were hovering over every phone call, listening in, overseeing emails and letters and attending every visit.
I suppose it could feel like a personal insult, like why don't they want to meet you, but I would give that time. If they are trully OK with everything, and it all just progresses with your son in a good way, then you will be bound to meet eventually at some special function..like a graduation. To me, that's more normal. An important day in the like of a boy that all of you share in a great way. Why force it now, a great meeting filled with stess?
You know, at first I was going to be all " You did not screw up!" but then I thought about how at the time I called the whole ordeal "my last big mistake". It was not true. I am far from perfect.
But it did feel that way at the time..a major mess to be in.
I don't look at it as a mess anymore. Now I see it more as a trian wreck waiting to happen, but I am the train...too fast, broken and out of control. At least I can say that my 'derailment' brought forth a marvelous creature into this world....a most wonderful silverlining. It could have been anything. And definatly I had something to prove to the world afterwards. Surviver's guilt?
Anyway, I am rambling. Best we can do is just muddle through....sigh.

[Susan1987]

Claud Thank you for seeing it that way. I had not obviously. And It make a lot of sense. I do have one concern, and it probably is not mine to have. I worry what is going through his head about his amother not meeting me yet. I know that he is secure in knowing me, I did tell him that I was that secure too, prior to him coming into my life. I told him that he turned it upside down, and not in a bad way, and he laughed, he was flattered. I have more than I had before, and I wouldn't change a thing. I am just now working through all of those buried feelings so I can feel normal again. As said by so many Time it what it takes. I do my best, and am grateful to have this experience come full circle, and continue to grow because He wants to know me. My Cup Runneth Over!

Susan1987

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by Susan1987

I do have one concern, and it probably is not mine to have. I worry what is going through his head about his amother not meeting me yet

I think one of the biggest lesson I learned in reunion is that I can not control it..

Jackie

[dljamir]

I have been in reunion with my bson for a year now, and I agree about having no control. You think things are great and the next minute you're back at square one again.

I have found reading the posts here a great help, when "they" tell you it's a rollercoaster ride, it is so true and if you haven't been through it, you would never believe it. It is so good to know someone else understands.

Debbie

[Carol Bird]

I don't think the door will be closed, Susan. The boy is really too young to balance both mothers and the one who raised him probably takes first place right now.

Give him more time to grow up. They ARE awfully busy at that age. I KNOW WELL HOW BUSY. My granddaughters have been very close to me over the years. The oldest was 5 months old when my daughter and I reunited and she's 19 and in college now; the younger graduates highschool in Spring and then she too will be off to college.

Both of them are high achievers and both are involved in sports and other after school activities, all of which count when you're hoping to be accepted at a good college. That means time ... and because I'm so far away, there hasn't been much time for me. THEY LOVE ME! I don't have any doubts about that; when they DO contact me, it is with loving calls or letters or emails. They just don't have time, and frankly, I would rather see them ensure their futures than whine about not hearing from them.

You are facing something similar and you probably have to draw on PATIENCE and settle for waiting. Keep contact, but don't pressure him.

I don't doubt that the A-parents are concerned about his schooling, etc., right now and from what you wrote, the A-mom has never told anyone that he is adopted. Hopefully she will see her mistake and will gradually let that info out.

Let him know you understand and that you are there for him.

and, please HANG IN THERE.
Good luck and Hugs, Carol Bird

[Susan1987]

Debbie and Carol Bird:

Thank you so much for responding to me. Debbie, the no control thing is hard, and I too felt comfort in finding other women in my same shoes. It was good for me, because for so many years I thought I was alone.

Carol Bird... I thank you for your insight. I need to appologize for soundling like the Amom has not told anyone that my bson was adopted. That is not the case. Everyone knows in their family and school, friends etc...
It is in my family that he is a secret. My husband and children know, but In Laws and friends etc... do not. There are a few that I have had the courage to tell because of the reunion. And to my suprise they have all wrapped their arms around me in Joy. Don't get me wrong I am not ashamed. It was a closed adoption and to move on, I had to bury so much. It is painful and emotional. For that reason too, is why I have shared the reunion with some, because they could see my rollercoaster and were very concerned with what was happening in my life. To find the humor in things, I thought they may suspect drugs, by the emotional ups and downs. HAHA I have decided to take spreading the news of my birthson situation by situation. There are those in the world that really have no need to know.
My birthson is as important to me now as he was when I placed him. And his welfare is of most concern. He comes first. My head tells me that and my heart, and my heart also tells me that I sacrificed once and made it. Ive been patient for nearly 18 years, whats a little longer, except the chance to have more patience by the time I get to that point. HAHA Thanks for your advice. It is appreciated.

Susan1987

[Carol Bird]

I too expected people to be revolted when they heard that I gave my only child away. When people reacted with Joy, I almost fell apart again.

Susan and I reunited via a phone call from her in mid December 1986. Our first face to face came on Dec. 30, when I flew to Washington D.C. to spend the New year with her, her husband and my first grandbaby, Rachel, who was five months old.

When I came home, I had prints made of Rachel's baby picture, and of Susan and her husband. I had
pre P.C. computer called a KayPro that ran on a CP/M operating system; DOS wasn't well known yet. My printer was a dot matrix and, of course, printed only in black and white. But, I was very good at graphic design and I produced a special NEW YEAR card to send to friends and relatives announcing that I have a DAUGHTER, and giving a brief blurb about her birth and adoption 32 years previously. I tucked in the photos with each card I printed out and sent it to EVERYONE.

That's how I announced my Reunion! Only a few people knew before this, and those who didn't were stunned and, suprisingly, quite happy for me.

The world had changed without my realizing it.

That five month old just started college this September and her younger sister will be following her next Fall. Time really does fly.

Hugs, Carol Bird