[Caine]

Hi,

Birth Dad here, my 19 year-old daughter contacted me a couple of weeks ago, and to say I was overjoyed would be an understatement, I've always known where she lived etc. but have always thought it best if she looked for me rather than vice versa, but have always made it pretty easy to find me.

Anyway we've arranged to meet this Saturday 17/8, and yes I am a gibbering wreck, and no I can't eat/sleep/work etc., this beats Atkins hands down for weight loss!

But what to say when we meet?, neither of us have (as far as I know) gone the counselling route there doesn't seem to be that sort of infrastructure in place in the UK, and we're probably too far down the road for it now, besides being a bloke I don't do counselling, so we are pretty much on our own with this.

I don't want to rehearse it, but just can't help it, playing the situation over in your mind again and again and again, and everything I think of just seems so, so inadequate.

I just want to pick her up give her a big hug and tell her how sorry I am and how I've missed her and loved her, but I don't want to suffocate her, on the other hand I don't want to just shake her hand and say "Good afternoon"..., how do you find the balance and how do you just break the silence.

Any advice would be so appreciated and welcomed.

Caine

[Montraviatommyg]

Caine,

Congrats on your reunion and I know this is easier said than done but try not to stress to much about meeting your daughter. I do understand what you're going through as I've been in reunion with my son for a year now and had my first f2f with him in Sept last year. A good ice breaker may be to give her some photos of yourself and your family. Keep the conversation 'light' as well. I do remember having that urge to just want to hug my son so it's natural for you to feel that way. My son gave me some photos which made me a bit tearful and because of that we did hug .... I didn't want to let go. I let my son take the lead on the conversation although I had prepared myself a bit as we are tracing our family tree so I had a photocopy of a marriage certificate to give him.

Over the counselling issue I do understand as I live in North East England but it is there to be had and possibly for free and you are entitled to get counselling anytime you feel a need for it. I contacted the local social workers who use After Adoption for counselling purposes for people touched by adoption in the North. After Adoption is based in the North of England and is a charitable organisation so doesn't charge. It may be worth your while contacting your local social workers and explaining the situation then they should be able to refer you to a counsellor. I know the social worker I spoke to said people such as ourselves are entitled to free counselling .... I had counselling sessions after being reunited.

It would be nice to have an update after your meeting with your daughter and you are welcome to pm me anytime.

Pip

[kune]

Caine,
Did you meet your daughter? If you want to share, we would love to have an update.

Hoping all is well, and you are both pleased with the outcome.

Ann

[Montraviatommyg]

Ann, you beat me to it , I was wondering what happened as well.

Caine, did you meet, would like an update as well?

Pip

[Caine]

Hi,

I tried to pst an update earlier, but it seems to have disappeared into the ether, so although I'm in danger of repeating myself if there is some delay in posting, here goes.

Firstly thanks to everyone (especially Pip), who offered help and advice it was greatly apprecaited, if not all of it acted upon. Secondly apologies for not updating sooner, but the last few weeks have been a bit of a blur to say the least.

Anyway, the meeting.... Speaking for myself it went remarkably well, quite calm and relaxed, my daughter was slightly reticent (understandable of course), so I did a fair bit of talkig/gibbering, but once we started to have a laugh it went OK from there, I think we chatted about anything and everything except of course the issue at hand, but I suppose that is the way of things. What I wasn't prepared for was a feeling kind of like contentment, difficult to explain really, (sorry can't give more detail as I said it was a bit of a blur!)

We've met up a few times since and things seem to be going OK, not rushing it but keeping a steady pace, it seems to be more on a "good friends" level than anything else at the moment whether that progresses is really up to her, but I hope so of course there have been a few moments awkward moments when comments have been taken the wrong way and the shields go up but we talk through them quite well, and they're soon forgotten. The hardest part for me so far has been learning how to text, and text quickly, so I'm awaiting my mobile bill with some trepedation.

The only issue I have I think is coping with the guilt and regrets. From what I understand she has had quite a hard life to date, her mum is an alcoholic/drug user and has had several partners so the environment she was brought up in hasn't been exactly stable, but she has risen above/fought through all of this and done amazingly well and I'm incredibly proud of her. I just wonder what difference I could have made if I'd been around, but that is something for me too work through I guess.

Thats about it for now, I'll try and post another update sometime soon.

Thanks again for all your advice, and too anyone else out there who is going through the same Pip is right when she says don't stress about it too much, it can be a remarkable occassion.

Caine

[Montraviatommyg]

Caine,

It is good to have an update and that all went well. The first few weeks can be nerve wrecking but by the sound of it you have a good basis to work on. Your relationship will change with time and carry on taking it at a steady pace. The feelings of guilt and regret will ease with time .... I went through the same so learnt with time to deal with these feelings with support from others. We will be here for you anytime you need support.

Pip

[Ellie-michelle]

Hi Caine,
Just read your post - congrats on your reunion!! It was heartwarming to read your experience of meeting up with your daughter as i am also reunited with my birth-father and there dosen't seem to many posts i 've read from either b-fathers or adoptees with b-fathers, especially in the uk. Please feel free to PM me if you want to share experiences from an adoptee 'on the other side'
Its certainly a rollercoaster of emotions,
Ellie x