[MomInTheSpirit]

As I look at the direction my reunion is taking, I sometimes wish I had waited for my son to find me. Although I don't believe things would be much different if I had. Is there anyone here who regrets being the one who found?
I feel like an intruder and I want to let it go and not cause any more emotional issues for anyone.

[shirl105]

I am in the process of putting together a questionnaire which will be the beginning research for a book about reunion and the realities of it. I am forming it from the adoptees point of view, because I know the birthmoms are doing their own work on this. I have never heard anyone say they regretted searching and I have been a searcher now since 1990....however, I think there is more not being said. Any adoptees interested, feel free to contact me and I will put you on our mailing list for the questionnaire.
Shirley Wagoner /adoptee/searcher

[FatBirdy]

Hi mom in the spirit,

I am an adoptee and I found my bmom. She was thrilled at first but after about a year, the reunion took it's toll and bmom bailed. I guess I can not totally blame her but these were HER issues that we could not get over. At least that is what I truly believe. Anyway, despite the massive heart ache that her rejection has and still is causing me I can not tell you that I regret the search.

If you do decide to walk away I would not shut the door toatlly. Just back away and let your bson know that you will always be there if and when the situation gets better or when people mature. Just a thought!

[Montraviatommyg]

I didn't actually search for my bson, had been told I wouldn't be allowed to and wouldn't have known how to anyway, but found him by accident last year, he had been searching for me for 5 years. At times, even now, I wish I hadn't found him as we have both had issues to deal with. I've worked through mine but my bson still has some that he claims to have worked through but hasn't. It is hard at times to deal with the sudden anger when something crops up that he reacts badly to even though he claims to be on a level with these issues. He also has a bad habit with turning the situation around and making out I'm the one 'with the problem' then gets annoyed when I wait for him to contact me on the hope that he has calmed down. I can't win either way.

Montravia

[restalyne]

My son found me and there has not been one moment that I have regretted...granted, we have had our problems in the reunion process...a great deal of anger at times, words spoken that were hurtful...and yes, times where we both said, "this is it, no more"...
but we were able to transcend these moments of rage and depair and heal our wounds. No, not for one second would I change a thing.

[shef]

I did a search....I found my bmohter.....I dont think she wanted to be found really.

Do I regret it......I did. But waht I think I regret the most is not the actaull searching, its the result I found at the end of the search. My search was fuelled by the orpahange telling me that my mothe wanted me etc etc, they painted me a picture that i carried all through my life.....when i found her, cos i thought she wanted to be found, what I had been told was lies....none of it was the truth. Had I known the truth of my conception...no i wouldnt have searched. I may have always wondered...but I wouldnt have searched...but we cant turn the clock back can we...none of us......

shef

[chanibelle]

I found my bmom about 5 years ago. I have a few regrets sometimes. Because I was hoping for a more closer relationship,but thats not my issue its really some problems that she has to work out. Even though she lives 45 mins away we see each other maybe two times a year. I think she has a hard time realizing her baby is now an adult. Also I think she hates the fact I was raised by mostly a white family. The not "black enough" thing ( I feel) comes up. And on a few occasions she's called me fat. I just chalk it up to someone who had a baby at 14 and pretty much stopped her education. Its not really her fault. I love her a lot,but Im really tired of trying to make a connection with her. Instead I try to cultivate relationships with those who WANT to be in one with me.

[eye_foundher]

No regrets here. Only in reunion for a few months. No desire on my childs part for a F2F anytime soon. We email reguarly, chat occassionally, have shared many pictures. I have already found immense peace in finding my child. Anything more is icing on the cake. In searching I wanted to know how, where, who my child is and also to let my child know they and their afamily are welcome in my life anytime. They knows that now. I know what I need. The rest - if there is any - will take time.

[katiedid4]

Hi MomInTheSpirit, i know exactly what you mean. That maybe if we had just waited to be wanted, to be found it would have turned out differently.

I waited all my birth son's life to find him, searched like a mad woman, cried so many tears i near flooded our house, sat in so many corners by myself and sobbed for the loss and heartache, deep pain that rocks your very core.

Then he turned 18 and my search got closer to finding him, then by miracle it all came together and i found his AP and they wrote to me. What a joyous time. Then BS phoned, then reunion. Then all came tumbling down.

Do i regret, yes, i regret not being able to hold him even though thats all i wanted to do, i regret not being able to handle the emotions and confusion that comes with a reunion, i regret that his sister also adopted hated me from the beginning and did all she could to confuse and hurt my A son.

I regret that i could only show and tell him how much i loved him via mail but when i met him just froze and i could not talk or get close. I regret that when he phoned me after reunion that we talked a few times and then i became what he called needy, i regret being so honest in my feelings in my letters to him and wish i could have done it all so different.

I regret pretending to be asleep one night when he phoned because i just couldn't handle what i felt was his rejection and my guilt over his fall out with his beloved sister over me. I regret not knowing how to handle all of this.

I regret losing my son all over again, when he finally sent me the goodbye letter saying he felt i needed him and that he could no longer be in contact.

I regret needing him.

Do i regret being the finder, most definately.

Do regret having him, never. I love him with all my heart. And i am so sorry i did all of this so badly. If only i had known.......

[Susan1987]

I am in a reunion that was close for the first month. Now it is scarece. I can't figure out if it is because he is 17 and has a busy schedule or if our closeness has scared him into thinking I need him. I do need him, but I would rather have a quick email telling me that he was thinking about me, than nothing. What do I do? Can you give me any suggestions?

Susan 1987

[kune]

Susan
A month in a 17 yr olds life is such a small unit of time. He is just at the time of life when he is trying to be an adult, trying to make his own good decisions and to work out who he is and where he's going when along comes his birthmother who wants to connect somehow into his life. I don't say you are unwanted or unloved. I just believe it must be hard for a young man to rationalise how to integrate you into his "family" at this stage of his life.

I am reunited with my 30+ yr old son. He told me that he didn't seriously need to know the reasons for his relinquishment or who his birthfamily was until he was thinking of having a family of his own.

I would suggest that you keep the lines of communication open - Tell him now that you are thinking of him and will be there for him now, or any time in the future and if there is no response, maybe an e-mail or card/letter on his birthday and other special times just to remind him that you are open and willing to have him in your life. The less pressure on him the better.

Not for you of course. I understand how this would "squeeze your heart" every time you think of it but...... patience.... time ... and lots of prayers and hoping will hopefully pay off in the end.

Did you do the seaching? Was it a semi-open adoption? Do his aparents support him? All these things could have a bearing on how the reunion goes.
Keep posting here. There are lots of women who share your fears and will support you through this.

Katydid - I am so sorry that your reunion was cut short. Maybe, like I intimated to Susan, it happened at the wrong time of your and son's life. Have you burnt all your bridges or will you, in the future, try to reconnect somehow? Those reunion nerves and two people being overwhelmed with the thoughts and feelings is soooo hard to handle. Did you write back after the goodbye letter explaining it like you did in your above post?

You are in my thoughts and I hope, sometime in the future, you find some peace of mind. At the moment you may not have him in your life, but you do have him in your heart.

Ann

[Montraviatommyg]

Susan,

Just try to be patient as he is still young . My son is 24 and I sometimes go through periods of not hearing from him for a while. Since I first posted on this thread our reunion has improved a great deal and we are close . He is at university in Canada and I'm in the UK but distance isn't an objection it's more down to the fact that I know he is studying. Also he does have a social life which includes girlfriends so I do get kept up to date particularly if I haven't heard from him for a couple of weeks. My son isn't very good at sending emails and prefers to chat on IM instead plus we ring each other occasionally.

Pip

[krielly]

No regrets here. Sadness maybe, but just at the results, not about searching............
A court appointed CI found my bmom in January of this year. She can't consent to contact at this time. My bfather was found in June of this year as well, but only to find that he died in March this year at the tender age of 59.

I am SAD and disappointed, there is NO doubt. But, I am GLAD that I searched. I am glad I finally confronted my fears about doing so. I do have SOME answers now (not many, but much more than i knew a year ago, for sure).

I am GLAD that I searched because now I don't have to "wonder" anymore what I will find. I don't have to "worry" about it anymore.............I have found both parents and although I am saddened with the results, I would do it all over again rather than just spending years of wondering what was out there......................

[carolynppk]

I do have some regrets, not really regret, there are just times I feel really bad, I know me finding her was a shock to her. I am an adoptee who found my birthmom. I don't regret finding her. It is just that I am a child of the closed adoption era. I was born in 1965. There are times I feel terrible that I found her and for any disruption I caused in her life. I love her so much, the last thing I have ever wanted to do is casue her pain. I was not talked about. Suddenly here I am and everyone reliving the past that was never dealt with, maked me feel bad for resurfacing any pain that may have been burried a long time ago. That is what I regret.

I think that part of the reason we have had a successful reunion for us, is that I was 39 when I found her. I had lived a lot of my life, I wasn't caught up in all of that stuff when you are just starting out in life. I wasn't looking for another mother. I was looking for information on me and possibly a friend, if I was fortunate enough. I have been blessed in learning so much and also learning that I do have feelings for her deeper than a friend. She became more than just the woman who gave birth to me, I now understand a "first" mom. A mom who loves you and takes care of you and loves you enough to give you life and give you up. She is very special and important to me.

But yes, now that I know the whole picture, now that I know everything, there are times I feel bad that I reopenned old wounds. Even though things have been great, I know there is a lot of pain she has relived and I feel terrible about that because I do love her so much.

Carolyn

[Jessiedo]

My birthdaughter searched for me and we were reunited in March 2005. I can't even imagine spending the rest of my life not knowing anything about her. Luckily she didn't give me time to wonder about whether I should search as she began her search at the age of 19. I always said I didn't want contact unless she desired it. The social worker w/ whom I spoke told me that in VA, there are laws to protect adoptees and even if I had tried to find her in the future, I would not have been able to. I realize how very blessed I am and thank God everyday.

Soooo, altho' I can't answer the question "do you ever regret searching?" I can definately tell you I will never, ever regret jumping straight up and saying "Yes, yes!!!!" when asked if I wanted contact w/ my birthdaughter!! No matter what I had found, it would have been better than spending the rest of my life wondering, worrying, praying that my little girl was safe, healthy and happy.