[laurenbrooks21]

I will be 20 in less than a month and I was reunited with my bmom July 21st (and my 13 year old half sister). I found her 10 hours away, called her, and she came to meet me 2 weeks later. She cried the whole time and told me how much she has always loved me and how much she wants to be a part of my life.
I am really excited about having her in my life now and I do want to stay in contact. I have talked to her since then but I wanted to get some thoughts on what she might be feeling now and I would love advice on how I should handle things with her .
Would appreciate ANY help!
L

[julie23]

hello Lauren,

I am a birth mother. I was reunited with my 18 year old daughter in April of this year. As with your birth mother, my reunion was unexpected.

I sent my daughter a letter for her 18th birthday and expected it to go to her adoptive parents. I never expected them to give it to her.

the social worker separated the letter to my daughter from the letter to her aparents and mailed them separately. The one to my daughter went in an envelope that wasn't marked with the name of the adoption agency and SHE RECEIVED IT!!!

the social worker called me and said the my daughter would like my email address.... well... let me tell you what I was feeling....

I felt as if all things in my life were now complete.

I was elated.

My heart was joyous.

I felt as though God had kept His promise.

I thought that this must be a miracle.

When I received my first email from her... she told me she was going to prom....

I spent the whole day saying to myself "I have a daughter.... and she is going to prom tonight!"

When the sunset, it was the most beautiful sunset ever and I was sure God had sent it to me.

I felt a peace that had been missing in my life.

I suddenly said aloud... I have 4 daughters. ((I had only ever allowed myself to claim my 3 before this day.)

I kept saying... "she wants to know me!"

She was so happy to have sisters... I was so happy that the 3 girls I was raising wouldn't have to grow up wondering about her and missing her.

I had carried around a festering wound for 18 years... and suddenly, there was relief from the pain.... suddenly... it didn't hurt anymore...

My reunion has been spectacular!!! My daughter is beautiful.... she wants to know me and her sisters... and her birth family.... I am very blessed.

have there been negative emoitions? Yes...

There is an incredible sense of loss... the real loss of watching her grow up.... before now, there was an imagined loss... a fantasy.. a dream.... but now, I greive what was really lost. I do not focus on this... the feelings come and go... today my 2 year old squealed and leaped into my arms..... and i had a moment of sadness that I never felt that with S*. But I quickly remind myself... "I TALKED TO HER TODAY!!! WHAT A MIRACLE!!" And I thank God that she has allowed me into her life.

I still struggle with anger... anger at my parents for not helping me.... anger at her parents for not sending me pictures and updates... anger at the Christian community for wishing me into a closet... and I am working through it.. it comes and goes...I am working on forgiveness....

I have a raging battle going on inside of me... I want more of her... I want to talk to her more... I want to ask her to come visit... I want her to call me... but I know I have to hold back... I know I can't ask all this of her.... I gave up my rights to her... I am just grateful that she is letting me into her life... and I will take whatever she will give.... and do my best not to ask for more...

I haven't any issues whatsoever with my daughter... she didn't cause any of my pain... or anger.. or sadness... no way... she only brings joy and beauty to my life... she brings peace.... she brings magic... and miracles.... and hope.

sorry this is so long... good luck!
julie

[kersey19]

Julie -- what a great post. You have captured much of the feeling I have dealt with in reuniting with my daughter.

Lauren -- the feeling after that first face-to-face meeting is intense. There are a few things I would add to Julie's post. I felt relief knowing my daughter had such a wonderful life, that she was healthy and happy. The joy of knowing and loving her is so overwhelming (in a good way).

On the negative side -- I also have had to face fear -- the fear of possibly losing her again. While that has diminished in eight months, I still struggle with this from time to time. There are also times I struggle with guilt. Guilt from having a wonderful relationship with my daughter when I couldn't raise her. Guilt from placing her for adoption -- feeling that perhaps I was a failure because I couldn't raise her. I remind myself that we would be different people if I hadn't chosen to place her for adoption. It was the best decision for her -- and me as well.

I don't have other children so I had no frame of reference for the emotions I was facing. The love I feel is like nothing I've ever experienced .....it is so totally amazing.

Advice .... trust your heart. Every reunion is different, every individual entering reunion is different. The feelings we deal with are common and intense. Be honest, communicate and most important of all cherish every moment. Best wishes Lauren.

[Miracle0601]

WOW! I was overwhelmed at descriptions of the emotions and reactions of reuniting. They match all my feeling that I have experienced since reuniting with my 34 year old son on June 1.

As a birthmom I want to have contact with Jeff and be a part of his life. Yes, I have a family (he has a 15 year half sister) and she and my husband have welcomed him into our life.

I have allowed myself to look back only once to say "what if..." , but then I realized that this could not be that I need to look forward and appreciate what we have now. My son has called, e-mailed me, or seen me almost everyday since our reunion. I think that the two greatest gifts a birthmother can be given is acceptance and contact. I want and need no more. Anything more is just icing on the proverbial cake.

Now for my disappointments - I would like more personal time with my son and acceptance by his adoptive parents. At first I panicked with the thought of loosing him again because of the family pressures. But, I now know in my heart that regardless of the outocme (a relationship between the two of us, all families united, or the connection is too difficult to maintain) I will be alright. I know who is and I know he is alright. The only questions that have followed me all these years. My soul is truly at peace.

I forgot to mention that more personal time is difficult because of his work and he has a family. I'm a Grandmother! The only other item I might mention is pictures, Jeff was so kind to bring picutes of him growing up to our first meeting. it really helped bridge the gap of year from my holding him in my arms as a baby to hugging a fully grown man. Share your pictures, your thoguhts, and your hugs your birthmom will really appreciate them.

Congratulations on your reunion and I wish you all a life renewed with happiness together.