[lbmckay]

Hi, Everyone.
Happy New Year! As your (sometimes absent) hostess, I'd just like to thank all of you for sharing your struggles, suggestions and wisdom here. From what I read, it looks as if a lot of understanding and healing is taking place. Things have been very good lately between my birthson (age 37) and me. My husband and I have had the joy of seeing our grandchildren more than usual and our obvious love for them has brought us closer to my son. Grandchildren are the best, aren't they? We're expecting two more, too -- from two of our raised kids. Yay!
For those of you who are newly into reunion, it might help to keep in mind that it often takes time to "bond" and feel close. In a way, it's like meeting a new friend. We need to get to know each other, learn to trust, etc. So often reunion relationships are portrayed unrealistically -- the dramatically tearful first meeting and then everyone skips blithely off into their lives and happily ever after. Those of us who have lived it know better. If I had been able to raise my son he would be a different person. I needed to get to know how/who is is. I guess I'm still doing that. For both of us, the love was always there, but the bonding takes longer. Does this make sense?
Wishing you all peace and love,
Linda
author of Shadow Mothers: Stories of Adoption and Reunion

[MuyLaBonita]

What a wonderful post to read! Your situation sounds very normall and healthy to be going through. Thanks for all the advice on reunion.

I have only experienced reunion (in person) with my grandmother that lives about an hour away from me. It was total bliss and excitement to see her and watch her compliment me on how much I look like my Bmother. Reunion is a powerful experience to always remember and it can turn out for the better or for the worse. You never know.

God Bless you and your Bchild!

[l-thompson]

Linda - I agree, reunion is most definetly a work in progress. The initial reunion is so emotional, so full of hope, so totally overwhelming.

Its what follows months and years down the track. I actually thought that after a year the emotions would settle but realise that that is probably a bit too optimistic ( I have the disadvantage of living on the other side of the world - distance is a major obstacle in reunion)

Anyway, every happiness to you all...sounds like your reunion and subsequent relationship is working out wonderfully.

[kay_b]

Hi,
I have a question for those of you in reunion for awhile. I do not know if you saw my post a couple months ago, so I want to restate my situation.
My son made contact on April 1st of this year and we met on April 11th (Easter Sunday, what a great day for a new beginning). He is 26 and recently married to a wonderful girl (his high school sweetheart)
Anyway, it was wonderful! and overwhelming. He came back the next day and told us ( my husband is also his birthfather) that he wanted to call us Mom and Dad, but that he was a little confused. I know that he loves his a-parents very much. At that time he also met his 2 siblings and his grandparents
We were able to get together again later in the month and he met some of his cousins and aunts and uncles as well, which really overwhelmed him. He spent a night with us and we were able to have some One - on -One time together and he was very open and honest and I felt that we were setting a good basis for our relationship. He at that point stated that he wanted to develop our relationship first (mother and son) and I told him that I understand and that was fine.
They (he and his wife) have moved out of the country (3 weeks after we met) for a couple years and we have been communicating by email only. At first his emails were still very open and his greetings were always very warm and included my name, now he starts them :HEY
His signatures were: Miss you much and take care,
now they are: BYE
The body of his last email basically read: Hope you are fine, I am fine.
I can feel him pulling away and I do not know what to do. I wrote him a poem before he left and he loved it ( or at least said he did) One of the lines was "I love you still" and that is how I sign my emails. I am so afraid that I have overwhelmed him with my Love, and now his does not know what to say.

HELP ME PLEASE!! Where and what do I do from here. I have waited all my life to have him back in my life and I am so afraid that I have pushed him away with my love?!?!?

[PatHunter]

I think you have to consider that your bSon is young, just married, and living in a new and different environment overseas. He is probably one busy boy and is probably overwhelmed with a lot of new details. This pull-back may have nothing to do with anything you have done. But, pull-backs do happen, and your response must be to keep in touch and available for when the time comes when your bSon needs you again.

I belong to an online support group for birthmoms in reunion situations. To subscribe to this group (a mailing list) go to http://bmom.net/ There is a link at the bottom that you can use to subscribe.

This list allows you to post your story confidentially, and to read the stories of other birthmoms in your shoes. There is even a group-developed list of what to expect in reunion. And any question you post there will be answered by other birthmoms in reunion.

[kay_b]

Thank you Pat for your response. I have already sent an email to join. I would also like to hear from anyone else here that can help me. I so appreciate this forum and everyone's openness and compassion.
Kay

[l-thompson]

Hi Kay - I am sorry you are feeling as if your birthson is pulling away. While I echo the sentiments of PatHunters post ( very busy, new environment) I also think distance can be a major obstacle in reunion. There is really not a lot of spontaniety and often when you feel like talking or seeing each other, the physical distance between you doesn't allow that to happen.
Although email is a wonderful means of communication it doesn't capture the warmth and feeling of closeness that actually being together creates. Its hard alright, but I guess you just have to try and make the most of what you have. I truly empathise as I am in a similiar situation with my birthfamily.

[kay_b]

l-thompson,
Thank you for your reply. I see in an earlier post that you too are a distance from your birthfamily. If I could, would love to ask you some questions. If any of these are offensive or you feel too personal, you certainly do not have to respond, but it is nice to find someone in a similar situation, and as you are the adoptee, maybe we can help each other.
How long have you been in reunion with your birthfamily and did you or they make contact? Would love to hear about your reunion if you would like to share. I so wish I new about this forum while I was searching. Sometimes I feel like I am preparing for the reunion after the fact.
We had been searching for B (my son) for about 3 years. We being his siblings and me, all in our own way. I had posted on a state adoption registry, my daughter had written the agency through which the adoption had taken place, and my son (the computer wizard) was searching the net, every way he could think of..... and B found us!! What a wonderful moment when the phone rang and he told me that he thought he was my son?!!?!? I get this unbelievable feeling in my chest every time I think about it.

Have you been able to spend time with them? Have they always lived a great distance from you?
B grew up less than 50 miles from us and spent a fair about of time in the town in which we live. ( We may have seen each other and never knew, still blows me away) Has lived several hundred miles from us since college.

Do you find it difficult to communicate your feelings with them,since they do live a distance from you? (you wrote of birthfamily, so did not know exactly who that includes)
Pat Hudson also made note that possibly B's age may have something to do with his responses, but from the short time that I was able to spend with him, he is a very responsible adult. I do believe that he is overwhelmed with his new life at times.

This is getting way to long, so I would just like you to throw out any info that you are willing to share that may help me so that I do not overwhelm him anymore....
Thank you and God bless everyone who is searching, in reunion, or has been touched by adoption in anyway. The feelings that we all have is so HUGE.

Kay

[l-thompson]

Kay - more than happy to answer your questions

I was born in Canada, my a/family immigrated to NewZealand when I was a young girl. I always knew when I began to search that I would be at the mercy of the agency that handled the adoption...and I was. My search took nearly seven years. What I found was very overwhelming as my birthmom and birthdad married five years after relinguishing me - they went onto have three more children so I reunited with birthmom, birthdad, two full brothers and a full sister.

First contact was made via email last April and in July last year I flew to Canada to meet them all face to face ( actually this time last year I was with them all in Canada) It was an awesome experience, overwhelming to say the least and as you can imagine very, very emotional. I flew out to Canada a few days after my 40th birthday. I think being older has helped with reunion - over the years you begin to view things more openly, you tend not to be so judgmental and realise life is not black and white...you finally understand there is an awful lot of grey in the middle. Time, patience and understanding of others grows so much over the years.

The initial euphoria of reunion has lessened now and reality is sinking in. There was a connection from the get go and some very emotional, heartfelt emails and phonecalls were shared from one side of the world to the other. When we met face to face it was like I had come home, you could feel the love, there was definetly a bond, it was like nothing I have ever experienced before in my life. I am so glad I had the opportunity to spend time with my birthfamily although ten days was not enough ( I have a husband and two daughters and although very torn in where I wanted to be, I knew my immediate family had to be priority)

My birthmom and I email each other every day and we have phonecalls usually once a week. There are times where I would love to pick up the phone but the time difference means its not possible and when the time is right to call, the moment has passed. The emails are great but you can't pick up on voice tones in an email, you can't see facial expressions, the warmth that you want to project is difficult to achieve with written words on a computer screen.

There have been times where I have wondered whether it is worth all the hard work that is necessary for a relationship that is limited to email and the occasional phone call ~ it is very easy to drift apart and like any worthwhile relationship you need to work hard at maintaining it, nurturing it and allowing it to grow and move on to the next level. There has to be a definite committment from both sides or else it can easily fall apart ( out of sight, out of mind...you know what I mean?)

I have only spent 10 days with my birthfamily ~ in my now 41 years thats all the time we have ever had together....its difficult.
But I believe if you really want something in your life you will move heaven and earth to make it work......fortunately, my birthmother and I want this relationship and so we put in the time. It is tough at times, it really is.

My birthmom tells me she loves me and thats awesome but in developing relationships, actions often speak louder than words...herein lies the dilema when so much distance separates you.......you only have words.

I hope this has helped even in a small way. I wish you so much happiness and truly hope you and your son can recapture that closeness that you shared. Any other questions...fire away

[kay_b]

Thank you so much for sharing.... and congratulations on your reunion. Truly pulled on my heartstrings again, which are directly connected to my tear ducts these days. Your story is wonderful and so familar.
I also married B's birthfather and his siblings are also full blood, so our situations are very similar... amazing to me. I told B the first time we talked, because he was quite distressed over that fact that his Bdad and I had married and why had we not kept him. It was only a week or 2 before he contacted us that he knew this. At the time I made the decision to relinguish him, we were not together, but he was the bond that brought us back together again, and we both truly believe that.
When you B-mom says thay she loves you, you have to know that it is true, because there is always love even when we don't know where you are and it turns from a bud into this big huge bush, that just continues to grow everyday after reunion.
I so agree that the physical presence is so wonderful. I was not past the staring stage as of yet, or the fact that when he held my hand I could feel it in my heart....I miss him so much.
I have tried to keep my emails as light as possible, but I know that my emotions just slip in sometimes, and I think he knows that I love him.
I have decided to wait until he contacts me again. as I am usually just waiting for his email and respond fairly quickly, but I also don't want him to think that I am pulling away, but am just trying to give him space?!?!??! What cha think?
You and I are fairly close in age. Just out of curiosity, how old are your children? My daughter is 19 and my other son is 18. and off to college this fall so my nest will be empty....
Thanks for being there. Our situations are strikingly similar. So glad that you responded,
Kay

[l-thompson]

Hello again Kay ~ just checking my emails again before I head to bed.
It is difficult knowing how much is too much,, whether you are pushing too hard and then holding back for fear of pushing them away. Your situation is very similiar to mine and I can tell you it is very important to me to hear my birthmother tell me she loves me and how special I am in her life. It may not be reciprocated all the time but it it is certainly something I love to hear.
It took me a while for the penny to drop, it took some time before I actually realised that she was telling me what she really felt inside - for a while I felt she was telling me what she thought she should.
I am going to pm you - not that I don't think its good for others to read someone elses experience though.

[kay_b]

l-thompson,
I think that you and I were PM ing (?) each other at the same time, but when I tried to send yours it said that your mailbox was full, so I think I lost my message to you. I guess I will be unable to PM until then or maybe because we were sending at the same time, I do not know.
Thank you again for your insight. If you have any inspirations in your heart or mind that will help with this long distance thing, please let me know. I did read thru your PM and will try to respond at a later date. I will not have internet access for several days, so will try to PM you again, when I do. I am going to miss my daily dose of support from this forum. Even though I have not posted a lot, I am amazed at how much I just need to know that we are all out there for each other. I hope and pray that someday I will be able to provide the comfort and support I have felt from you.

Thank you,

Kay

[l-thompson]

Hi Kay - my fault as I had not cleared out my mailbox. Its been cleared now so when you are able to try again.
This site is very good - the support is wonderful and just knowing that many have walked the same path as you does help.

Take Care

[J'sBMOM]

[quote]Originally posted by kay_b
At first his emails were still very open and his greetings were always very warm and included my name, now he starts them :HEY
His signatures were: Miss you much and take care,
now they are: BYE
The body of his last email basically read: Hope you are fine, I am fine.
I can feel him pulling away and I do not know what to do.

Hello Dear Kay-I suggest that maybe your bson is now feeling a little more comfortable with you and may not feel the need to reassure you all the time. I know in my reunion that at first we always said "Ilove you" before hanging up. Now 9 months into it we both KNOW that now and do not feel the need too say it always. Just like with the other people in your life.

Just another way of looking at it! I guess it how you see it.

[kay_b]

J'sBMOM wrote:
Hello Dear Kay-I suggest that maybe your bson is now feeling a little more comfortable with you and may not feel the need to reassure you all the time. I know in my reunion that at first we always said "Ilove you" before hanging up. Now 9 months into it we both KNOW that now and do not feel the need too say it always. Just like with the other people in your life.

Thank you for your post. I have to tell you that since that post, I have received a "hold back" request from him...I think that being out of the country, and all the emotions that were flowing before he left has overwhelmed him... so now I am giving him some time and space...I also know that he has concerns that I am trying to pull him into my family...which is difficult to not WANT to do, but think that because I was emailing about things that are happening in my family, he was feeling a bit pressured, and that is something that I do NOT want him to feel...I want to build a relationship on mutual friendship...but cannot escape the feelings that I am his mother, but am not his parent...if that makes any sense... is also difficult not to talk about my family as they are so important in my life and truly are full blood relatives to him...but I just need to tread lightly... I asked him to forgive my missteps as we are so new to this, so hopefully time and space will be enough so that this is not an end to our relationship, but maybe just an adjustment phase....we did bond so closely during our time together...so I truly could feel him pulling away in his responses... Please pray that we can empathize with each other's positions, and move forward, but maybe just a little more slowly from this point.

Again thanks for your post,
Kay