[Jensboys]

I thought I would offer my perspective as well, hope you dont mind ... Currently, I am an adoptive mom and a bio mom of 4 boys. BEFORE that however, I was the kept-birthsister of my sister who was placed for adoption 11 years before I was born. I too was "unseated" as the oldest when she reunited with my mom when I was 17 (we didnt know about her at all). I did deal with some jealousy issues over not having the "first" grandchildren etc ... however ... it passed. Interestingly, my sister was actually quite jealous of me --- thinking that I had the life she SHOULD of had with our mom.

She was, as fat birdy says, not thinking intellectually, rather thinking emotionally. My mom (her mom as well) would of been 16 with a baby and no support in the 60s .... a totally different life than she had as a married, stay at home mom with me in the mid 70s.

On to the "same love" question ... I will answer it like this ... I have two sisters - the one that I was raised with and the one that I wasnt. The relationships are totally different based on the shared or lack thereof of shared experiences in childhood. I love my birth-sister, but we will never have the relationship that comes from having shared a childhood together.

My mom LOVES us all the same ... however our relationships are totally different. She is our "mommy", she is my sisters "other mom".

From the studying I have done on attachment, bonding etc .... this would be the explanation I would offer. Bonding happens pre-birth, birth and thereafter as a primary caregiver responds to the baby's needs. Its a primal response that happens between a birthmom and child FIRST, then between an adoptive mom and child --- its instinctual, primal and basic. This is where a birthmom could say ... I LOVE all my children the same -- its that basic deep whole that is only filled with love for THAT specific child.

Attachment occurs AFTER that ... its a conscious choice of child and parent to have shared experiences that bring up favorable emotions. Attachment only occurs with those experiences.

So saying that ... ATTACHMENT (that sense of being family and equal) takes time, bonding (love) pre-exists BUT has no life-experiences to relate it too.

The only other way I can explain it is this ... I have two bio sons whom I love intensely and am attached to. When we found out we were going to adopt two boys (then ages 3 and 4) I BONDED to them ... their pictures, their profiles, their place in our family was defined and permanent. Their chunk of my heart was and is UNIQUELY THEIRS. HOWEVER, saying all that ... I didnt know them, they didnt know me. We had no history, no emotional basis to form a relationship yet ... And trust me, some days after placement, it was only that initial BOND that kept me going ... that deep KNOWING that these boys were MINE and needed a parent.

Our attachment to each other has come over the years ... The first 3 years particularly. Now, over 4 years after placement, I can most assuredly say that my BOND and my ATTACHMENT to them is the same as that of my bio kids.

Is it possible for adults to restore attachment that has been disrupted for 20 odd years? I really dont know ... I suppose it depends on the tenacity of those involved in the relationship. In our family, with my sister, I just dont see it ever happening.

[patrisha]

FatBirdy, regarding your comment... "You don't have a shared history - but that was your choice. She was an innocent baby. She was raised by others by no fault of her own."

While it may be true, what difference does it make? I don't think anyone wants to be shown affection based on a sense of obligation alone.

The fact my son was raised by others wasn't may fault. I changed my mind about placement late in my pregnancy. My caseworker, doctor, and the nuns at the Catholic hospital simply figured it was hormones, and thought if they separated us for a while I would "come to my senses". I was told since my son was early, and I was ill when I went into labor, it would be best if he had a couple extra days of observation time in the hospital. When I returned to get him, I was stalled again by being told he was already "placed" and I had signed all the papers when I was admitted.

Unfortunately, their plan went array because I was so upset I left town immediately and couldn't be found to really sign the needed relinguishment papers for my son to be adopted. My son & I found out about this at reunion when my file was reopened. There were 2 sets of papers, the ones that were completed but never signed, and a typed set dated 2 months later (on a date I could prove I was over 2000 miles away on) with a signature that didn't remotely resemble mine. Neither of us felt any better knowing a third party made an arbitrary decision that affected us both for our entire lives. In fact, I think it hurt me more know how easily I was manipulated.

Regardless of the why's or how's the adoption came about the same emotional challenges of bridging 20 to 30 years of separation exists. You can't rewrite history no matter how much we may desire or deserve it.

IMHO it's more important to build on what we have today, than it is to try to somehow recreate what should have existed in the past.

Trish

[FatBirdy]

Hi Jensboys, thanks very much for your stories. I am glad that you have a good relationship with your bsib. I hope that mine want to have a relationship with me but i do not expect them to feel the same for me that they do for each other. They have no idea (yet) that I exist and I will just be a new person in their lives - as they are to me. Until recently I never knew if I had bsibs but I have always known that I have a bmomther. I can't imagine feeling the same for them that I do for my siblings that I was raised with; however, I can imagine loving them so maybe the 'closeness' will change over time?? As for my bmom, she's known about me and thought of me since they day she found out she was pregnant - although she didn't raise me, she has know that she was my bmom so we have been attached on some level from that time so I think that there should be some sort of automatic attachment.....which there is becasue otherwise we would not be in a reunion - but I guess the problem is that each side of the reunion has a different idea of what that attachment should be.

Hi Patrisha, I am very sorry to hear your story about how your child was put up for adoption. I am also sorry that I offended you. I have just been giving MY opinion about my story - I never claimed to be speaking for all adoptees - I was just trying to offer some 'food for thought' becasue some adoptees do feel like me. So, I still stand by my shared history comment because that was totally my bmoms doing. She made the decision, she told me that she didn't want to be my mom and as I said before, she told me that she couldn't get away from me fast enough when I was born. No one forged her signature - she gladly signed the papers herself so she could finally rid her self of her 'problem' a.ka. me. I think, at least, some adoptees are really bothered by the lack of control that we have had over our lives. We are the babies - yet our entire lives are mapped out and decided by a women that we don;t even know...who is a women that should have raised us becasue mothers 'typically' raise their own children. Of course, you are very right, we can not rewrite history; yet, that does not erase the pain and feelings of rejection that come with adoption.

[Jackiejdajda]

Trish wrote..IMHO it's more important to build on what we have today, than it is to try to somehow recreate what should have existed in the past.


My goodness I think those words are wise..


Jackie

[tgif41]

Hi bmom-
I'm also a bmom who placed my daughter 27 years ago, we were reunited 5 years ago, I had her when I was 17. I did a lot of soul searching before deciding to search for her, I wanted to make sure I was doing it for the right reasons, not the wrong ones. I do have a very special bond with her-not a mother daughter, more like a best friend. When we met we spent tons of time together, much like you did, but we both understood that was the newness of the relationship. I never expected to feel any different about her than my other son with whom I raised. You can't expect yourself to feel a motherly bond. It was never there, I did not get to hold her either at the hospital, I did get to look at her and did receive two pictures but at 18 months was told to go on with my life. I do know that both of us are very open with our feelings, if something is bothering me about anything that has to do with Lori, I talk to her about it, we have so much in common, she understands my feelings when I can't explain them and I truly believe that. She was recently married and I had the honor to be there and celebrate it with her amom and adad. Her bfather was killed in a car crash when she was 3 so she never was able to meet him, but she has a special bond with his family. I always kept in touch with them knowing some day I would meet her. It has been a blessing from God. I just thank him every day for having her in my life. We sometimes will go a couple weeks without talking because of being busy, but she knows I will always be here for her and she for me. So, don't push your relationship, just be thankful you have her in your life. Good luck.
Teresa

Originally Posted by FatBirdy

I am an adoptee in a 2 year reuinion with my bmom and I have wrestled with everything you have just said.....I worry and stress about our relationship - and it sounds very much like yours. I have questioned my bmom about her feelings toward me vs. the feelings of the kids that she raised....and I have yet to get a straight answer out of her - all she says is that she feels differently about each and every one of her kids. I have issues with being the 'lesser child', which I am well aware that I am - I question if I can continue a realtionship with my bmom when I am constantly reminded that I am the one she gave away....it's a far more painful that I ever anticipated. I get angry when I think how my status in her eyes is the result of her actions and decisions. Is it right that I should suffer a lesser status since I was born before my bmom was able to care for me? Or then I wonder - maybe this whole mother/baby bond thing is just socially constructed and we should just get on with our lives - seperatly. I wonder what is in store for us and your email states one of my greatest fears. Is it possible that we are forcing something that was never meant to be? No one can help how they feel.....as much as we wish we could. May I ask if you searched or were found? Did you ever regret giving your daughter up for adoption? Do you ever regret this reunion? If you could tell your daughter how you wished she acted toward you or what you wished your relationship was all about - what would you tell her? And finally, do you really think that the only reason that you do not feel motherly to your daughter is becasue you didn't raise her? - does it perhaps have anything to do with how she was conceived and with whom? Wow, sorry for all the questions - these are open to anyone who may have something to add! Please and thank you!

Dear Fatbirdy,

I'm from the Uk where things are a bit different. From 1975 onwards adopted children could ask - and get hold of - their adoption records (even the closed ones). However, it was not until much more recently that bparents could leave their names with agencies etc to let their adopted children know that they would be happy to meet with them. I didn't even know this 5 months ago, so I never tried to contact my child but that didn't mean that I didn't want to. It didn't mean that I didn't think about him every day and cry to think about all that I had missed by not being able to raise him. BUT .. I didn't want to interfere in his or his adoptive parents lives. For all I knew he was happy and didn't give me a second thought. SO .. I feel very blessed that the child (who is now a 30yr-old man) I lost decided to contact me. It's very early days yet and I think that "Patrisha" is correct in saying that you should give it time. My guess is that BOTH bmom and adoptee need time and space (and someone to talk it through) - and hey! I'd just be happy if my son thinks of me as a friend - after all, he does have a mom and dad who raised him (and I think they did a wonderful job too - many thanks to both of you). So, start with some achievable expectations (friends) and, perhaps in time, love will come. Be patient, talk it over with people, and I hope that things will work out well for you.

[shirleyville]

I am glad to see you posting again, Birdy!!!

I've missed you!!!


(((warm hugs)))
Sally

[FatBirdy]

Thanks Sally!! (((Hugs))) back at you!!

Funny that this post came back into the mix. This is something that I still struggle with. I am for sure my bmom's 'lesser child', sad but true. I can't say for sure how she feels about me but I am still the rejected one. Too bad time didn't heal this one. Best wishes to all in their search and reunion. I know the feelings and boy oh boy the 'lesser child' issue is just one of many. But I should add, despite the ultimate rejection, I am happy that I searched for my bmom and received answers to many of the burning questions I had. As well, despite the can of worms this opened for my bmom I am confident that she doesn't regret meeting me. Too bad it wasn't more than just that.

It would sure be nice if reunion relationships could take place like 'normal' relationships when you first meet someone - evolving over time. But there are no boundaries in reunions and that confuses us. We like boundaries. We like knowing how we are to be treated and how we should treat the other. We 'know' that mother's should love us - so when our bmom's don't it gets confusing. I wish I could be totally neutral and accept this whole new relationship business but I can't....I AM her child and why doesn't she love me like a mother should - or at least head down that road for her to love me like she loves my half sibs that she kept???

[SheilaK]

Reading Ohmwa’s initial post was extremely healing and validating for me. I am a bmom in reunion with bdaughter for two years. She is 40; I am 60. I found her on an Internet registry after a very short search. I did not think for one minute that I would actually find her, and I was certainly not prepared for any of the rocky rolly coaster of reunion - particularly the submerged emotions that arose.

The first year and a half were indeed like a honeymoon. It was just like falling in love - maybe even better. She lived in another province, but we had several visits, many phone calls, and several e-mails per day. What I have found difficult to admit or comprehend is that through all this exchange of information, I was having a lot of difficulty in bonding with her. I knew this was not happening, and I felt like there was something very wrong with me.

I have read a lot of books and joined a support group. This website is enormous, but after months of reading articles and posts, I found this thread. I don’t think I ever read about a bmother who didn’t love her baby and didn’t feel a magical bond and wanted to place, even though all of these pregnancies were unplanned. I recall my pregnancy as a complete devastation and trauma that I never processed. I’m doing that now, but no one can do it alone. I’m sure the thought of keeping my baby was sheer terror to me - I was so unprepared, alcoholic abusive parents, no support. I went into deep denial about the whole thing in order to survive at all.

I should add that I married (and later divorced) my bdaughter’s father and she has two full siblings, brother and sister. Believe me, these three sibling relationships have become very complicated - sometimes just more than I can deal with. As Ohmwa stated that she did not have the primary bond with her bdaughter that she did with her other kids. I have noticed this too, and because they are all fully related, it has been difficult for all. I have judged myself very harshly, and it was so freeing and encouraging to read Ohmwa’s post and the entire thread. I have been "stuck" for quite awhile, but I think I am growing again and feel a lot more comfortable with myself.

Jackiejdajda, Fat Birdy, and Shirleyville: I have read your posts all over this site and always find such well-thought words of experience, healing, forgiveness, and intelligence, and I am very, very grateful for your posts.

Fat Birdy, your remarks about feeling the "lesser" child are similar to kids feeling "not the favorite", "the scapegoat", etc. One doesn’t have to be adopted to experience painful feelings of inferiority within the family.

Best to all.

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by SheilaK

I should add that I married (and later divorced) my bdaughter’s father and she has two full siblings, brother and sister. Believe me, these three sibling relationships have become very complicated - sometimes just more than I can deal with. As Ohmwa stated that she did not have the primary bond with her bdaughter that she did with her other kids. I have noticed this too, and because they are all fully related, it has been difficult for all. I have judged myself very harshly, and it was so freeing and encouraging to read Ohmwa’s post and the entire thread. I have been "stuck" for quite awhile, but I think I am growing again and feel a lot more comfortable with myself.

.

Its such a complicated thing.. The relinquished person wants it all made right sometimes.. (some of them)
And what are we supposed to do? Feel feelings that are not there?

I used to post on alt.adoption.. I was hurried out of the place when I started standing up for the woman that did not want contact.. did not want to tell the telling..
“What about her?” I said..

I have found adoptees on this site who restore my faith.. Who give me the knowledge that we all have to learn about these complicated emotions.. They have issues and we have issues..
My bson is not my psychological son.. He is my lost son.
He is the phantom son who lived in my emotions for many years..

Jackie

[maddy27]

Jackie... your words hit a chord in my heart...

the spirit of my daughter never left me.... I did bond to her in the two days I had her... I didn't really want to place her... and a part of her truly never went away....

but the part of her that I clung to.... that I held tightly in my heart.... was not real.... it wasn't really her.... it was this ghostly image of who I thought she was... who I thought she was turning into....

and when I met her... and I have gotten to know her... as much as she will allow.... I have discoverd that she is not this ghost daughter.... she is not what I dreamed about.. she is not who I thought she would be...

of course, one of the daughters I am raising has begun her teenage years, and she isn't exactly who I thought she would be either....

but this daughter that I have raised is my daughter... I can accept who she is turning out to be... I can love this child... I can support her ... and nurture her.... and adjust my expectations.... and dreams... and allow her to become who she is meant to be... not who I envisioned her to be...

but the ghost daughter .... I struggle so much with who she is... with my disappointment in who she is... with my disappointment in her choices... I find this resistance inside my heart to loving her.... to accepting her.... I find myself thinking that I wish she didn't want contact with me....

and then come the galloping guilts....

I spent 18 years grieving the loss of this daughter... I spent 18 years believing that her life was a certain way... that she was "turning out" far better than if I had raised her... in a way, it was what kept me sane... it was what made all the pain "worth it"... that she would be good... that she would truly have a better life...

I do love her. I love all my children. But the ones I am raising love me back. They truly love me. They are mine and I am theirs in the psychological mother/daughter way.

She love her mom.... I think. Not the best relationship there.... i think...

but she doesn't love me like she loves her mom... and of course... no one would expect her to.... is it reasonable for me to love her the same way I love them?

yes.... I think I could have... had she been "okay".... had she just "turned out"... okay...

In some strange way... maybe this failure on her part to live up to my expectations makes me feel even worse about not fighting to keep her... gives me even more pain... sigh

I just don't know... I just can't figure it out... I am just lost with all this....

maddy

[levigram]

You haven't read about a bmom feeling that way because most of them aren't sharing on these sites. I know there are bmoms who never bonded from the beginning with the child. You feel how you feel. No need spending time with guilt. (He's-guilt-not any better!) Let the relationship go as it will. Maybe the "finding" was what both of you needed and that may be enough.

[maddy27]

levigram,

I have wonder about that... if it was just in the "finding" that healing would occur and we could both just move forward with our separate lives...

I know she needed to know that she was loved and wanted. I know that I was able to share that with her. Her adoptive parents both say that they saw a huge change in her self-esteem and self-confidence from first receiving my letter....

and I wonder if that is just enough.... that I have given her the gift of knowing she was loved very much... and she was very much wanted... that she was not tossed aside... and never thought of again...

and I have given myself that gift, too... of being able to express those deep feelings to her... of being able to tell her that I deeply grieved her loss for many years... I know she knows how I feel now....

maybe that is enough....

[tccplus]

I will try to make this as simple as possible, I gave up my birthson in 1983. Eventually I married his father and had two daughters. I did spend sometime in the hospital with my birthson, walked by the nursery in the middle of the night and sang threw the window. I do believe that there is a bond, at least on my part not his I am sure. I waited to look for him for 18 yrs. During that time I remembered his birthday and wondered how life for my 2 daughters would be different if they had their big brother. I found the agency that handled the adoption about 1 1/2 yrs. ago. They contacted him and they said it was not a good time for him. Last week the adoption agency called me and said that it was his adoptive mom that thought he was under too much stress at the time, and he had called and wants contact. I waited for this for going on 21 yrs. now, now I am scard. I dont know what to say to him.I am so afraid of saying the wrong thing. I want to say I am sorry,I never forgot him,and I love him. Is this wrong? we filled out forms for identity so I dont have much time

[FauxClaud]

I thin saying you're sorry you lost im, you never forgot him and you love him are the perfect thing to say