[FatBirdy]

Hi Partisha, Thanks for your words. You are right about sensitivity - if she had not said much of what she has - I bet I wouldn't be as hurt as I am. It's one thing to assume that (of course) she would feel differently towards me than the children she raised but when she goes out of her way to tell me so...and even to explain why - ouch, ouch, ouch. It's all in the delivery.....so, I think that honesty is always the best policy - but there is no need to tell someone exactly what you're feeling.

I hope, over time, that our relationship grows! You're very right about starting off friendly....so all we need, a little patience from me and some sensitivity from her. Thx!

[ohmwa]

Hi All,

Wow - I was excited to see all the reponses to my initial post. It's good to hear all the different perspectives.

Fatbirdy - I'm glad you understood what I was trying to say. I realized after I posted my first reponse that what I was trying to express was that I don't feel hurt that I don't have the same place in my daughter's life as her Amom - nor do I expect to. But I totally understand your side of it. I will definitely get the Primal Wound book.

When we first were reunited, I guess for my protection, my daughter portrayed her childhood as really wonderful and her adult life as happy. She seemed to understand that I had this other life and other kids and that we had our established relationships and she seemed to respect that our's would be different. Well, over time, I've come to realize, that although she had a good, well rounded childhood, that there were issues with her a-parents that caused her pain (they divorced whe she was in her early teens) and probably increased her feelings of insecurity.

I feel like she is wanting to be included in the same way and claim her "rightful place" in the family. Now, I'm not saying she is wrong to want that - it's just that I don't feel ready for it.

Also, although her amom was very supportive of her searching for me, I think that now that it is reality, it has caused her some worries. So, that is also part of my holding back - I don't want to cause her amom any pain or worry.

Plus, my oldest child, that I raised, has struggled with finding out that they aren't "the oldest" - so that too has complicated things.

Banjo mentioned that she has been involved with her daughter for 12 years and it hasn't been that easy. Yes, it does take time and I hope as the years pass it will get easier.

[FatBirdy]

Omwha - my bmom may be telling my (teenage) half sibs about me soon. I am worried about the oldest as well - I don;t want her to feel that I stole her spot. May I ask how old your kids are and how they have recated to the news? Do their reactions effect at all how you feel about your bchild?

[patrisha]

Fatbirdy,

My daughter was an only child, as was my birth son, so she absolutely flipped to find out she had a brother. They get along great, and when I hear their occasional bickering about music etc. I get quite a laugh.

I don't know if there was more children if the reaction would be any different, but I also don't think relationships between siblings carry the same baggage and between birth parent and adoptee.

Trish

[Jackiejdajda]

ohmwa wrote..I suppose in some ways she is a reminder of my life at the time she was conceived. It isn't so much about the relationship I was in as much as a reminder of how awful my life was and how I didn't really have a choice about giving her up. It was totally my idea but as I stated earlier it was because we were on welfare and my parents were drunks and violent.

I believe that there are times when we need to sort the past..
I understand your feelings.. When I met my bson all that life came back. I think I got very angry after that.
I spent a long time angry..

I lived with a couple of alcoholic parents as well.. I learned to not feel a feeling..


Jackie

[banjo]

Wow scarey that your mum was a lot like me! I talked to an old school friend, called Lynda, today about what we were all like as young women in the early 1990s - when I got pregnant with my first child. She said that she was shocked that I was the one to get pregnant because I was so sensible and hardly had any partners [and one-nite stands] compared to her and our other friends. The bfather was the second guy that I had slept with and we'd just broken up after a two year relationship when I fell pregnant.
When I look back I just remember it was a serious trauma being pregnant and there was so much fallout - my exboyfriend yelling at me, while we were at a petrol station, to have an abortion because I was ruining his life! I was just so confused, messed up and scared about it all. I wish he'd have just been there for me - but he could not be and I understand that now. I guess as young self-focused women, we did not think through the consequences of our actions. I knew nothing about babies - had not held one or been near a young child for years - they were like foreign objects. Believe me, although the whole abandonment of adoption feels personal, at the time, adoption was simply the best solution and a way to give my child two stable parents and a good upbringing. I had no idea about the pain of it all and probably would have gone through the rest of my life without feeling it if I had not had another child. I would have also resented my first born for stopping me from my plans to travel etc if I had kept her.
I hope she does not hate me for it all, because I do live with regret but find this forum a great help. The adoption was not personal, I truly thought I was doing the right thing. I am sure your bmum feels the same.
Do you have a close relationship with your amum? From what I have read, achildren seem to have better outcomes if they have a close bond with their amums.
How many birth siblings do you have?
How many asiblings?
Perhaps as your bmum gets to know you more she'll realise what she has missed out on and then the reality of it all will hit?
I hope you form good relationships with the siblings.

[l-thompson]

My birthmom tells me that she thinks of me as just one of her children. I am the one that has trouble actually accepting this. My birthmom and birthdad married and went on to have 3 more children so when we reunited it was like instant biological family.

Actions speak louder than words and I know in my heart the relationship I have with them will be very different to the one they have with my siblings. I won't go into detail but there are occasions when I really feel like the spare wheel. Thats Ok and to be honest thats the way it should be - I have not been in their lives for 40 years - the three of them are siblings with history and bonding over the decades.

Relationships become strong and love grows over the years as you share experiences with each other. I think it would be unrealistic to expect someone, who for all intensive purposes, is a stranger, to be slotted into the family like they have been there their entire lives. I think too, to have that expectation from your birthfamily is not realistic either.

Does a birthmom feel differently towards the children she was able to raise herself - in my opinion yes, she would have to. She has shared their tears, their cuddles, their love, first day of school, she knows this child through and through.
I loved my daughters from the time I found out I was pregnant and that love has just intensified through the years - stronger and stronger as we share everyday life and share experiences.
Please don't get me wrong - I do believe my birthmom loves me but I do believe it is on a different level to that of my siblings.

As with building any relationship, time is the key. Day by day, little by little we can all write our own history and I believe the realtionship birthfamily/ adoptees have is really very special and unique - unlike any other I have encountered thus far in my life.

[banjo]

You said it, it's all about history and spending time together and letting those relationships develop - both good and bad sides. I think people in reunion can give up to easy because it can be hard work, I've certainly thought about it quite often but I know the whole issue will not go away so I just keep hanging in there and thinking of ways to improve our relationship.

Hi folks,

I just wanted to thank all of you bmoms for your honesty regarding your situations. I am suspecting that those situations that you have described here are probuly more real and more common then a lot of others. It only makes sense that you would feel differently towards the children you brought up as opposed to the ones you placed. Alot of adoptees feel the same regarding aparents. But as been stated many times before each situation is different. I guess in all adoption situations I just wish for peace for everyone involved.....now I an really dreaming!!!!


Donna

[FatBirdy]

Hi - I to want to thank everyone for their honest answers!! I guess, for me, what it comes down to - intellectually I understand why my bmom would feel a way larger connection and attachment to the children that she raised over that of me....BUT....being adopted almost always is, on some level, associated with feeling rejected. So when I was the 'rejected' one AND then I am also the child with the least attachment and importance in my bmom's life......ouch, my feelings are very hurt! I didn't chose to be adopted....someone else chose for me my lesser staus - and I have to live with that.....and it's a heart breaking thought to have. Why me?? Why me?? SO - I urge all bmom's, when you (hopefully) have contact with your bchild - please, be sensitive to this feeling - I know I can only speak for myself; however, I know a number of adoptees that feel the same or at least similar to me. Thanks everyone!

[shirleyville]

I am so sorry you are hurting, Birdy!! (((warmest of hugs)))
No matter what other sides of the coin we are all on, it hurts me when I know someone is in pain! (((more warm hugs)))
For me, I would never expect my birthmom to have the same feelings for me as she does for my sister and brothers. There is no way she could --- she doesn't know me, and has NEVER known me. I would HOPE she has much deeper attachment and love for my siblings -- if she didn't, I would feel SO SAD for THEM! She has well over thirty years worth of life experience with these people.....thirty years worth of day to day contact......first words and steps --- first days of school.....all the bumps and scrapes and homework and fights....all of the birthdays and Christmases.....dates and proms and cars and graduations and marriages and grandchildren......she has an entire lifetime of all of these things with my siblings. I was inside her for nine months, 40 years ago....she never met me. She's never seen me. She knows nothing about me, other than what I said in my letter to her. I am words on a piece of paper and a painful memory from another lifetime ago. I couldn't possibly expect her to think of me in the same light as she does my siblings. I wouldn't WANT her to.
Granted, I wanted to meet her and to form a relationship that would grow in time.....but even if I met her today, and we spent the next 20 years growing together, it would never, ever put me in the same place in her life as her other children. We can't go back and recapture 40 years.....I can NEVER be her "child" because I was never a child WITH her. She could only know me as a 40 year old woman and I could only know her as a 60 year old grandmother of seven. Her grandchildren have more life experience with her than I do....and they always will. There just is no way to reclaim the past.
My birthmother could NEVER be my "mother" -- she is Debbie and Aaron and Calvin's MOTHER. She is biologically my mother, but emotionally and intellectually, I understand completely that she can't be my everyday, plain old "MOM" like she is to those kids. We are strangers. I wish we werent'....I wish we could get to know one another and develop a relationship. I wish we could grow to have many, many years worth of shared life experiences ahead of us -- but we can't.....and even if we did, I would never want to be placed in the same category, in her heart and in her head, as that of my siblings. It wouldn't be fair to them. I love her very much but it wouldn't be fair to say that I love her the same way my siblings do......and it certainly wouldn't be fair for her to say she loved me the same way she loves them. How could she??? There is no logical way to think that she could, at least in my mind.
But that's just me! I understand how you feel -- I really do -- and I am not trying to say that my way of feeling is right....it's just the way I feel, personally.
Again.....I am so sorry that you are hurting!
Hugs,
Sally

[banjo]

Just ended a visit with my bchild and her amum. I do love her so much. She's far more beautiful that I ever thought possible and I wish she was at home with me now. But she seems so happy with her life and gets on so well with her amum that I feel like I'm not really needed - perhaps that's how it should be? I did not take my younger daughter and I think it's better that I focus on my bchild in a separate relationhip after reading your comments Fatbirdy about achildren feeling like they are the 'rejected' one. I didnot talk about my second child only to briefly answer questions if she was mentioned. My bchild loved the Christmas presents I had chosen which was a worry off my shoulders. Especially the gift that I made myself!
Perhaps the three of us will continue to have special lunches etc for the rest of our lives - i can live with that. It was a lovely special time. Why did i let this wonderful person be adopted? Simply because I was not ready to be a parent and her amum and adad are great parents. Yes, I do regret my decision everyday. I hope she is not in too much pain about the adoption but I can say that she seemed to be a very happy, loved child.

[ohmwa]

FatBirdy wrote:
my bmom may be telling my (teenage) half sibs about me soon. I am worried about the oldest as well - I don;t want her to feel that I stole her spot. May I ask how old your kids are and how they have recated to the news? Do their reactions effect at all how you feel about your bchild?



Hi - Sorry it took so long to get back to you.

Anyway, you asked how old my kids are - they are mid-late 20's, and I also have a 16 yo.

Both my older kids were kind of shocked and, as I said, my oldest felt "unseated". I told him he was still "my" oldest. But he really isn't and that's reality. They were all OK with meeting her and the first meeting went well. They don't have much in common with her so I think that has affected their relationship. But, they have all been there for her when she really needed some help and were very willing to help her. I think they are still a bit confused about it all.

I think to some degree, their feelings have affected mine.

I did have one "aha" moment the other day. I think that part of my daughter's desire to have this really close relationship to her b-family is due in part to the fact that we are "her's"; she doesn't have to share us with her other sibling (also adopted but not reunited). And we are her family - I wish that I could give her the same place that my other kids have but as has been discussed already - we don't have the shared history.

I think if I could stop worrying about how my other kids (and my husband) feel, it would be easier to develop more of a bond with her. She deserves it.

[FatBirdy]

Your bdaughter may feel that she likes you and your family to herself becasue you are just hers - but that is 'what is'. You are related to her and not her siblings - you are just hers. I think she just wants to love and be loved by her birth family....that is hers alone.

I worry that my bmom feels the same way toward me as you do toward your bdaughter - here is my take on your situation, which may be what your bdaugter is feeling. You don't have a shared history - but that was your choice. She was an innocent baby. She was raised by others by no fault of her own. You went on to have more children that you raised. All of your kids are as much a part of you but you love the ones you raised more.....so it's like you're picking and choosing which children you love more....and she lost.......and that hurts like you wouln't believe. It hurts to be the one given away, it hurts when her staus is dependent on what you did. It's sometime hard to understand that - society preaches to us the messge that mothers instantly love their children like no other - that a mother wouldn't let anything happen to their babies and they guard them and their feelings........BUT we were given away....not protected by our mothers - and now our mothers are the ones hurting our feelings and not protecting us. Then to see that your bmom is capable of having that unexplainable love for the children that she kept....but not for that one that she gave away........it's very pianful becasue you're always questioning, "What's wrong with me?" I have found that this whole reunion situtaion - even though my bmom is still around and wants contact - has still been a real blow to my self esteem.

So, just some food for thought. In Sally's above post, she said that she wouldn't expect her bmom to care for her like the kids her bmom raised. I wish that I felt like Sally. Intellectually I know she is right; however, intellectual and emotional thinking are very different. With my bmom, I am finding it hard to think intellectually.

Here's a suggestion - since you don't want to include your bdaughter in all your family events - perhaps if you made more of an effort to give her some alone time with just you? If my bmom made an effort to be with just me - I wouldn't be so hurt about the other events. Really, I think we all just want to be loved by our bmoms. I hope you don't think that I am being too hard on you - I am speaking to all bmoms - to give my perspective. I hope it helps.

Good luck to you!!

[ohmwa]

Thanks again for you input, FatBirdy. I imagine that my daughter does have feelings similar to yours. I think I really need to do some reading on the adoption issue from the perspective of the adoptee. It's hard for me to understand that adoptees can feel so deeply rejected. I can understand it if they have a bad childhood but then I feel that kind of rejection myself and I grew up with my bio parents.

Also, you're right about intellectual vs emotional thinking. I think it is important that people not be judged for their emotional thinking. Unfortunately, we live in a society that doesn't want to validate that kind of thinking/feeling.

I don't think you are being hard on me at all, by the way. I really appreciate your honesty. It helps me to see things from a different angle.

As far as doing things with her alone, I do that frequently. I had hoped it would help us to have deeper talks but I think she is afraid to go too much below the surface. But I've taken her to the theater and concerts and it was fun.

Take Care