[BuffLum2]

I got the hospital records of my birth along with my non-ID info (all ID-info blocked out, of course) and my bmom was given Demerol and Scope (Scopolamine) 3 hrs before I was born -- the Scope-induced "Twilight Sleep" appears to have been very popular even into the 1970s when I was born.

I can understand how the combo of the drugs and the emotional trauma and the pressure from society to 'move on' would affect a bmom's memory of the birth date.

[Pinakitha]

Apparently, it is quite common for a mother to forget the date of the birth of her child she gave up for adoption.

I believe the reason for this is because of the need to block out the memories. These memories are so overwhelmingly painful and traumatic that the brain tries to "help" you by blotting out that particular memory and allowing you to function and get on with the rest of your life.

This can be very frustrating for both the mother and the child (who may want this information). It certainly doesn't mean that the mother doesn't care. It is just that this survival mechanism switched on in order to preserve her sanity when she was young, vulnerable and under terrible duress.

Think of it this way, most of us block out memories of something that was horrific in our lives - or block out those periods when we were sad or in great distress. Many bmoms were not allowed to celebrate their child's birth (indeed, the moment my son was born, the nurse said "Oh, he'll make someone a lovely baby!" - really sensitive eh?) and were made to hide away before and during the birth.

I think it's not surprising, therefore, that many women have "forgotten" the time and date of their child's birth. Sadly, for them, it was a date that was associated with such great shame, loss and sorrow that the only way for them to overcome those terrible feelings - and the trauma of losing their child - was to "forget".

It's very, very sad. But it doesn't mean that the mother doesn't still love her child and doesn't care.

[Lynard1210]

My birthmom did not remember my birthday and I was very upset initially. She could only remember "it was winter". My b-day is Dec. 10th and every year I had the fantasy that she was thinking about me on that day. Apparently not!

I agree that it is a result of trauma. She did admit that she was in a depression for several months after relinquishing me. I don't think anyone gives up their child and walks away unscathed. She also told me it was the hardest thing she ever did. This gave me some comfort, although I truly believe i was an innocent party and that what she decided really has no bearing on me as a person.

[lahdh4]

I fall into a depression for the week starting on the day I went into the hospital, the exact time I was induced, and it finally starts to lift on the day after we were discharged from the hospital.

[browneyes0707]

I could never forget the day my daughter was born, not that it's not possible, but I'm really good with that stuff, I even remember the time she was born. I remember looking at the clock in the delivery room, But I don't remember much about the experience because it's too hard to remember. In a way, I remember more about giving birth than I'd like to.

The date that she was born on was also the anniversary of the day I started dating my first real serious boyfriend, the boy I dated right before I started seeing my DD's b-dad. When you're 16, you make such a big deal about that kind of stuff, scribbling it on lockers and engraving it on keychains, and he used to say how we would get married on that day. He was not happy about our split, nor was he happy that I started dating b -dad a few weeks after we broke up. I remember my due date was a few days before, and I said to my friend "Mark my words, I will be late and deliver on that day because that's the story of my life!" Sure enough...

I too get depressed the whole month before. But I set aside her b-day for a "me" day now, I shop or papmer myself, anything to keep busy and try not to dwell. It helps, but it still doesn't take it away. This will be the first year that I've had contact with her family, I'm not quite sure how that will change things emotionally, since we have not communicated directly yet!

[lonni]

My mom even searched for me though ISRR with the wrong date.She was off by 2 years and I know she had a traumatic assault 2 years before me.I figure it all blurred into one big trauma.She has PTSD and so do I. Forgetting(blocking) is one of the symptoms.

[lonni]

Bufflum,I had forgotten about the drugs they were given in those days.They made them forget things.Some special drugs were given to moms of adoption but not married moms keeping the baby. Maybe to be kind~or maybe NOT.;~((

[Sniffles]

I have not met my b-mom, but during the first conversation with my b-grandparents my grandmother asked me if my b-day was Nov. 14, 1973. She got it right. I was thrilled to know at least someone remembered.

[vfleblanc]

I am a birthmom and I had the date of my son's birthday off by three days. It was so traumatic for me, I had a great fear that something was wrong with him and no one was telling me. I was a little older too, but circumstances in regard to my family and the birth father's family put me in that terrible situation. I had to take anti-depressants at that time, and had a very rough time for awhile. I somehow implanted the date three days later, which was the date I actually signed the papers to have him placed. My birthson and I have found each other, and I can honestly tell you, I have a very deep love for him, and am so grateful for having him in my life. I feel my life is now complete for the first time in 35 years (he is 35). I love him every bit as much as my other two children, and I fully intend to give him every benefit I give my other two children from now on. I am working on the feeling I have that I have to make these years up to him, even though intellectually I know he had a very good life and has two very wonderful adoptive parents. A mother is a mother always, even if she isn't with her birth child. The spiritual ties are always there. It is possible to get mixed up on the date. Stress and pain can do strange things to a person's mind. Hope this helps.

[Shadows]

Given the birth of my son was the most traumatic and heart wrenching event of my life, how could I not forget his birth date? And yet when we were reunited a year and a half ago, I found out that what I thought was his actual birthdate was off by a week, based on the adoption records provided and I had been wrong for 26 years! If you think about it, its probably not surprising. My son arrived by way of an emergency c-section where I was put out completely, so his birth was a haze of anesthetic and drugs. I didn't have any family with me to welcome him during his birth and as I was never supposed to speak of his existence with my family, there were no birthday celebrations or cakes or parties. However, being off by a week does not diminish my love for him or how I feel about him. And heck, its been a year and a half since our reunion and he hasn't even asked when my birthday is! (fortunately I was able to catch his on his actual date!)

[lanie777]

I am finding it is not uncommen to lose the birthdate since it is such an emotional time. I could not remember the day the year or even what season it was. I had a rough estimate of the time frame. I then found out that with post traumatic stress disorder this can occur and have found other information to support this. I would recommend to others with the same trouble get copies of your medical records. Now I have a date!

[hopefulcathy]

just want you all to know, i am weeping as i write this. this thread has been of such comfort to me. all the guilt, pain, and shame has been covered for so many years (38!). i never thought i would forget his birthday, but yrs ago when i started filling out reunion forms and inquiries only then did i realize how much of my memory was gone.

but now i realize that the big lie i have been living for so long has resulted in nothing less than an entire block of my life being fogged over and shrouded. i am not allowed to speak of "that time". my loving husband, for his own reasons, walked away from me when i first told him about my bson. i know he loves me, he is a kind and generous man, but for some reason the whole issue brings him nothing but torment and pain. i have caused enough pain for enough people to last several lifetimes, but my son has a right to know our family if he ever wishes to make contact. i have always felt he has no desire to, and i understand. but still he has the right, so i have to do whatever i can to find him.

after my first attempts to find him one thing that kept me paralyzed with grief for so long was the realization that even his birth date, the name of the hospital, the agency - all was lost to me. what kind of person can forget so much? well now i feel better knowing at least i am not alone behind this wall, and making the first tentative steps (again) has been so much easier because of all of you.

thank you.

[kakuehl]

Dear hopefulcathy,
Welcome. Maybe I was lucky... D was born on my birthday (hard to forget that one!) Try not to beat yourself up over your memory loss. Many bmoms suffer from what we call post-traumatic stress syndrome. I have also been lucky in that it was not a secret in my family (although it was NOT talked about much). After I found D, my husband commented that he had always expected the phone to ring or the doorbell and it would be D. (D is not his son, btw).

Your son may be like mine - he expected me to find him while I felt he would find me if he wanted to know anything (and made a couple failed attempts to make it possible for him). I do not know the name of the agency - when he went looking it had closed.

Good luck in your search.

[keds]

I feel for everyone although I am the opposite, I remember the exact day, hour and minute my son was born - maybe because I knew my parents/boyfriend would not "let" me "keep" him. 11:34 p.m. July 19, 1980. I can still hear his first sounds. I am fortunate that he has made some effort to contact me - 27 years later, I promised since I was so weak early on that I wouldn't intrude on his life - but we'll see how it goes from here. It is so sad to read all the posts, both bmoms and adoptees, and I hope I now can have the strength that everyone "thought" I had back then. In reunion, I am just realizing what many of you have already experienced. I feel your pain and I realize now, whether you remember or forget the details, we all have a lot to overcome. It is all of you that helps me face each day. God bless.

[kakuehl]

On my best days, I consider that I'm on a journey of discovery with D. As I have posted, the pain and sadness (grief really) of relinquishment have returned in a different way and so I continue that grief work. I also delight in an adult who wants me to be part of his life even with all the baggage we bring to the relationship. It eases my heart to see (and have) pictures of his growing up years. I'm still waiting for a promised picture of his as an infant in his parents' arms.

Unfortunately Keds, my doctor made sure I was unconscious when D was born so I couldn't see him - it would be best for me you know - therefore I didn't hear his first cry. Apparently none of the medcical staff, sw, etc, were able to comprehend that my decision was a carefully considered one, made because I cared deeply about him and what I believed was best for him,