[Skye Hardwick]

Hello Ladies;

My name is Skye ---> Some of you may have read my writing on this site....I thought I would entertain you with a new article I have written called "Left Unspoken"

Let me know what you think!

Oh, keep in mind I had to edit it a bit because it was too long! The full version should be up on my page in a week or so!

* * * * * * *
Left Unspoken - © 2002

A collection of words left unspoken to our children's Adoptive Mothers. From a Birthmother's heart, to yours.


A pile of letters lay before me. Each belongs to a couple who remains in waiting. Each contains photographs carefully chosen. Each contains words woven together with hopes of being picked over the thousands. I cannot help but wonder how you've poured yourselves into each paragraph. However, profile after profile, I see the same theme: "...looking to make our family complete".

Left unspoken: Please understand,I am not looking to make your family more complete; I am looking to make my child more complete.

****
You are suspicous of my reasoning for wishing to see our child yet again. It has only been two weeks since the last visit, and suddenly, you question my intentions. Fear washes over you as you secretly slide my letter into a desk drawer. Doubt begins to cloud your face as you listen to my message on the machine for the third time. You hit the erase button.

Left unspoken: Please understand, in the beginning, I am so unsure of what I have chosen. My mind continuously wonders, "Have I made the right choice?". I call not because I desire to intrude, or disrupt - but when I see how you loved our child is, I find some peace with what I have chosen.

****
At our last visit, the tears for my son fall nerously before you. As I tenderly hold him, pain laces my downcast face. In your discomfort, your gaze falls to the floor. You never knew my pain would make you feel this way. You check your watch, stand up and announce, "Time for Jake's bedtime." I slowly stand to my feet, kiss him goodbye, and hand him to you. As you put him to bed, I gather my things and my thoughts.

After an apathetic farwell, I go home. Days later I get a call from my social worker. She informs me you question the benefits of our open adoption agreement. You think it is too hard on me, so maybe we should take a step back.

Left unspoken: Do not think it would be easier on me to cut off contact. When it comes to my child I do not seek the "easy" route, but what is best for him. Please, do not jump to conclusions about my emotions. I am capable of knowing when too much is too much.I cannot help but wonder if your desire to step back had more to do with your uneasiness, than mine.

****
Another Mother's Day passes without any word from you. Hurt and resentment wells up deep within me. Why did you not send a card, or call, yet again? I say aloud to no one, "She mustn't think I am important, otherwise, she would acknowledge my own motherhood to our child."

Left Unspoken: Please understand that I feel completely forgotten when you do not remember me on this special day. If I hadn't entrusted my child to you, you may not be celebrating Mother's Day this year.

****
Once again, you introduce me to your friends as your "special angel". Before your guests, I blush. Even though I should be glad you think so highly of me, something deep inside squirms with discomfort.

Left unspoken: Please understand, I know you intend well, and I am truly flattered, but it makes me uncomfortable to be refered to as an angel, saint, hero, or "our Birthmom". I am none of those things. What I am is your child's Birthmother. Those are all hard titles to live up to. I am having a hard enough time as it is just being a Birthmother. If you want to introduce me, please call me your child's Birthmother-for that is exactly what I am.

****
Tonight I went to my usual online support message board for Birthmothers. I roll my eyes as I see another "Looking to Adopt" message posted. When you enter this particular message board, there is bolded-red notice that this forum is for Birthmothers only. I see a hopeful adoptive mother is offened by all the posts directed to her to find somewhere else to go.

Left unspoken: Please understand, there are literally thousands of places for a hopeful adoptive couple to place their "looking to adopt" posts. And there are only a few good Birthmothers' only support forums. We need our safe place to cry, vent, and support one another. Your presence in our refuge makes us uncomfortable; and some of us angry.

Most of us are not against all advertising. We understand sometimes, that is how families connect. However, we are grieving our children, and your posts make us feel like former-incubators. The fact that you are willing to ignore red-bolded notices in order to have your petition known is disrespectful to our pain.

If you are just trying to convey advice to a Birthmother, please do so on appropriate "Triad" message boards, or email her privately. Thank you.

****
I found a letter from you today in the mailbox. You have sent me another batch of pictures along with a beautifully written letter. You are sure to update me on our daughter's latest milestones. I smile bittersweetly. At the closing of your letter, you write, "Thank you for the gift of Jenny...". For some reason, my eyes keep coming back to the word "gift". Puzzled,I go inside and sit plop down on my couch. "...gift...."

Left unspoken: Please understand, back when I was due any day, I did not clutch my swollen belly with great heartache thinking of how I was going to present such a wonderful gift to a childless couple. Do you not see? You are the gift. I gave you as the gift to my child.

****
You tell me that you wish to end the visitation we have with one another. You give me the now infamous excuse, "I don't want her to be confused", but I am not buying it. Finally, you cave and admit to being afraid. Afraid of the future, afraid of the unknown ..afraid of me.

Left unspoken: Afraid? You think I do not know about fear? Believe me when I say I know fear all too well. Do not think for one moment that I was not afraid! Fear was a constant companion on my adoption journey, but still, I forged ahead, inspite of my fear and found courage. I kept in my heart the knowing that I was doing what was best for my child - why cannot you do the same?

Open adoption shouldn't be based on your fluctuating feelings, nor mine. The openness was for our child's sake. Your fear is a reason, but never an excuse. I could have easliy kept my child and did so because I was too afraid. But then, that would not have been beneficial - for I would be only looking at my own interests, not his. When you become a mother, any kind of mother, it stops being about you.

Never, never, never think I was not afraid. As I placed my firstborn bundle into your waiting arms, do not think I was not afraid, for I was terrified! When you think of all that I have asked of you ...think for a moment what you have asked of me. My child.

****
While visiting an online adoption-related message board, I see a post by a new member who is an Adoptive mother. As I am reading her story, I skim to a particular paragraph. I exhale loudly as I read her words;

"...Others question if I am the real Mother, but I tell them I am the one to change the diapers, to kiss boo-boos, wake early, and to buy clothes."

Left unspoken: Please understand, once and for all, I did not place my child because I could not change a diaper, nor did I place her because you could. For the record, I can change a diaper--even the stinky ones. Like you, I can wake up with morning's first light. I can tenderly kiss boo-boos and although money is tight, I could also obtain clothing. I did not place my child with you because I wanted you to become the "real" mother ...but the only parent.

I placed her with you because you could give her what I could not, at that given time. I could give her shelter, but I could not give her direction. I was still struggling to find my own way. I could give her hugs, but I could not give her proper disapline. I am still trying to find order in my own life. I could give her love, oh, I could give her love ...but I could not give her the best.

Claiming to be the real mother takes from one and gives to another. Do not tear me down, and belittle my sacrafices, in order to build yourself up. You have sacraficed, and I thank you, but I signed my parental rights away, not my right to love her ..and not my right to be her Mother by birth.

Besides, a mother who is secure in the valuable role she has in her child's life does not feel the need to defend herself, nor does she consider the thought of losing it to anyone else.

****
"Should I say something?"
"It isn't my place."
"What if they cut off contact?"
"I will only look foolish."
"I don't want to upset them."
"If they only knew..."

Words left unspoken. This article was written in hopes of giving other Birthmothers a voice. Of course, I can never, nor do I wish to speak for all Birthmothers. Each has their own story, and they have a right to tell it. All too often, a Birthmother will remain silent, although her heart speaks volumes within her. Questions and doubts battle through her mind as she seeks the courage to speak, or the grace to not.

The title of Birthmother, none of us dreamed,
but it is our reality all the same.
Cast down the stereotypes, and gather up your strength.
No longer be ashamed, take what is yours ...your dignity reclaimed.
Look for the healing, restoration and recovery.
Rise up armed with hope - give voice to your pain
To my Birthmother sisters, may the truth set us free.

Skye Hardwick © 2002
Do not use without Author's permission

[harriette]

Dear Skye, I believe I used to see you in the old chat room sometimes. I never knew you wrote such beautiful messages in such a true and moving way. I love this one SO much and will be printing it. I am a reconnected birthmom after searching over 38 years and it is wonderful. Keep sharing your very touching insightful words. Take Care Harriette

[antifloyd]

This is an immensely powerful article. If this is only the "condensed" version, Iw ould need a whole box of tissue to get through the full article!

[SchmennaLeigh]

I agree with Lauri. Skye, this should come with a warning: Keep Tissues Handy.

I cried. And to think that I even have the "good" adoption as of right now, I can't imagine my other sisters who have been less fortunate. Though, while I have it "good" (or so they tell me) so many of those emotions, the "keeping quiet" and things "left unspoken" are all still there. I am all too quiet as of late.

It's just easier that way.

Thank you Skye. It truly was beautiful.

[Skye Hardwick]

Why thank you ladies. I was a writer for adoption.com and currently a writer for adoption today mag -- I can't post links to my bmom website, but if you do a search on my name along with "writing" or something of the sort ... you will find all my writings. Though, the ones on adoption.com/adopting.org are terribly outdated and I would love to have them removed.

Again, thanks!

[cathy102]

Skye...Nice to see you back... I have always enjoyed reading your posts...

Hugs,

Cathy

[Ragnarok]

I refuse to admit to requiring any tissues. But it did hit a nerve.

[Skye Hardwick]

Well, I don't know if I'm "back" ... I post here and there when I can. Thanks!!

[cathy102]

Well, it's nice to see you post... I love all that you have to say... You are such a great writer...I also have been on your site...So awesome... I have so much respect for you...

Cathy

[Skye Hardwick]

Thanks again!

[cathy102]

You are SO welcome...Hope to see you posting more... You are such a great asset to this site...

Hugs,

Cathy

[Isabo]

Bumping up another great article.