[schatz]

hi everyone!

I'm writing this in the hopes of starting up some dialouge in this poor, neglected area of the forums.

In reading posts from all over, I've been so discouraged at the misconceptions, fear, and anger between adoptive parents and birthparents. Because talking to one's own aparent or bparent can be so emotional, I'm hoping this can be a safe place to get to know each other and try to see what it's like to be the other side.

I also chose this area, because I believe in open adoption and feel like many of the failures come from fear and insecurity from both sides.

I really hope to be able to start asking and answering some questions and offering some long overdue support for each other.

As a birthmother, I'm very interested in hearing what you have to say and in (hopefully) easing some of your doubts about us.

ok, here is my situation that I am having a hard time with. My babies are both adopted. First adoption we have a great relationship with birthmom. She comes to our home once a year, we email, talk on the phone, and I send pictures. The bf, by his choice, has never wanted any contact. In our second placement we thought we were entering into the same type of relationship. When we first met birthmom she was lying to her extended family about the pregnancy, her mom was not supportive, and the bf was in jail. I was very hesitant to get close to her, I did not think placement would ever occur. I went through the motions, I would drive 6 hours round trip to pick her and her little girl up to come to our house. We watched her daughter while she was in the hospital. We involved her picking out the baby's coming home outfit and the name of the baby. We would call her daily. We felt we were doing all the right things. She delivered and started to waiver on her decision to place, I was not surprised at all. Finally after three long days she decided to place. I love my baby with my heart and soul, but can not feel the same love that I have for our first birthmom towards this one. I have gotten very mad at her because she has told the bf untrue things about us. She doesn't make any effort to keep in touch, we call and she never calls back I send pic's and get nothing, yet she will complain about us! I am at the point that I want to give up on her and I feel bad for my baby. How will I explain all of this to her. I guess I am looking for some reassurance that I am doing the right thing. My fear is my baby will blame us for her birthmom's actions later on, why did we not do more. The thought of my baby even having a relationship with her turns my stomach she doesn't deserve to have her in her life. Help I am so confused!!!

[schatz]

What a great lesson.

Forgive me for using you as an example but it's a good one. I'm no expert (adoption is a very new experience for me) but it seems to me that there were a million red flags about this adoption from the start. As you admit, you went in half-heartedly which is always the wrong way to go no matter what the birthparents are like. All that discomfort isn't a good sign for the future. I have a feeling that you really hoped it wouldn't go through. I hope others reading your story won't make the mistake of sticking around during a pregnancy in the hopes that things will improve. It is the wrong thing to do. As you can testify, going through with an adoption that didn't feel good all along isn't good for anyone.

I don't think it is wrong to want to cut off contact with the birthmother, but I do think you need to be careful about your feelings towards her and the possibility of future reunion. Keep in mind that she is your child's flesh and blood and how hurtful it can be to hear you speak badly of her. Do some research on how to address these painful details about your child''s birthmother and adoption and always keep the door open for a future relationship.

I would write a carefully worded letter to your birthmother letting her know what you've decided (maybe a counselor at your agency can help) but let her know that if at some point, she feels that she can enter into a healthier relationship with you, that you would be open to discussing it.

One more point...as your children get older you may need to address why your two children have different relationships wqith their birthparents. Do some research on the best way to do this.

Please continue to nurture your relationship with your first child's birthmother.

Good luck.

HI, thanks for responding, first I want to say maybe at the time I was not into the adoption 100%, but I WOULD NOT TRADE THE EXPERIENCE FOR THE WORLD!!!! I love my baby with my heart and soul, her and my other one are my life! Do I wish things would have been different sure. You had addressed the issue of not speaking badly of the birthmom in front of the child, we would NEVER do that, whatever my feelings are towards her I want my daughter to make up her own mind. As far as telling her how we feel through a letter, we have tried telling her how we feel she will tell us what we want to hear and then she does the complete opposite. We have contacted our agency on several occasions and they have tried to work with her, but get no response. I am still sending her pictures here and there and she has our address and phone number. The ball is in her court at this point, we are hoping to adopt one more time and I pray we are led to a relationship that is healthy for everyone involved!! As far as having to explain the difference in relationships with the birthmom's to our children, I know that is going to be hard. Our first birthmom and her family are very loving to our second one also and welcome her with open arms and hearts, I am hoping that is a help!!!

[Skye Hardwick]

Hello Bailey;

Thank you for coming to the forums. My name is Skye - I am the forum moderator. Sorry I haven't been here earlier, I wasn't sure if I could commit to this forum along with my other work.

You can read my little bio above to learn more about me. In the short: I am a Birthmother in a very open adoption to Emily - who is four. I am also Mommy to my son, Isaiah. I am a writer here for Adopting.org - and also the founder of a Christian support site for aMoms and bMoms called 'Two Different Kinds of Love'.

Open adoption isn't for an adoptive mother's sake ...or for the Birthmother's sake ...it is for the child's sake. Keep in mind that open adoption is a commitment, for your child. Sure, yourself and the Birthmothers can benefit greatly from the openness, but when it comes down to it, it is done for the children.

Unless you are a Birthmother, you cannot imagine what she may be going through at this time. Even as a Birthmother myself, I can only *imagine* I do not necessarily know. Each Birthmother walks her own journey of grief. Each Birthmother deals with grief in her own way - and sometimes, people deal with grief in a way that harms them even more. Keep in mind, that before we are Birthmothers ...or Adoptive Mothers ...we are people. Often, people are broken - or hurt in their lives. They bring that brokenness into every relationship they enter, including an open adoption.

Consider accepting her for who she is. Not for who you wish she was, or could be - but for who she is. That being said, that does not mean you have to accept any abusive behavior. Keep in mind also, that her saying untrue things about you may be her way of dealing with things. Sure, it isn't a healthy way! Her complaining about you may have more to say about her, than you.

Also, her not responding to contact is not a valid reason to close the adoption. Open adoption isn't easy. If anyone told you that, they were not being honest. It is built on love, truth, commitment, respect and communication. If you feel she is being immature, don't stoop to her level - remember, for your child's sake.

Think of it as a garden. You plant the seeds in the garden. In other words, you reach out in hopes of contact to her. You water the garden, you tend to it and you wait for it to grow. Before you get frustrated, remember that we each have our own time-table of when we will "grow".

If you don't do it for anyone else, one day when your child is older you can tell her with confidence that you held up your end. You did all you could to reach out to her Birthmother. What a great example and lesson to her about commitment, even when it is hard.

Your daughter will hold the bMom accountable for her actions. She has a right to a relationship with her Birthmother. They have a bond as well - whether or not you think the bMom deserves it or not. Whatever you do, don't let your daughter pick-up on any ill feelings about her Birthmother.

Have you read any books on adoption? May I suggest the Children of Open Adoption (awesome book!) by Kathleen Silber and The Spirit of Open Adoption - by Jim Gritter. Maybe they can help you out and offer a fresh perspective. Also, a book by a friend of mine, Courtney Frey - One Birthmother's Emotional Truth ...that book also has a special section for helping aMoms understand. You can find all of those books here.

If you need to talk, you may email me at:

Lifemother@earthlink.net

God bless,

Skye Hardwick






















aucoinextbol

[ROBINVENNER]

gives the greatest gift of all. True self sacrifice. I am an adoptive parent. I think I could have an open adoption if the mother were willing to give up their child for a better life. How awesome is that love! How unselfish. Our adopted son was fostered and taken away from an abusive and scary situation so my contact with bmoms has not been good. I think that is what gives so many fear is the horror stories. To me, my son's bmom was selfish and very sick to do the things she did to him and try to prevent him from being adopted even though she was not willing to take him.

But even through this, a birthmom that gives a child out of love...how can you deny a child this kind of love and not see the bmom? Especially one who is asking for no compensation. I counseled a pregnant girl who was willing to give her child up. She was the only one out of at least a hundred. To me she was the only one with a good chance of a job and the real love to raise the baby. Either way that baby will be a winner.

Bmoms who give such love to their child are held with high esteem by me.