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I have recently adopted a son through a private adoption. The birthmother had 2 children from a prior marriage. She has now told me that she plans to marry the birthfather and have a child within the next few years. My concern is for my son. If we keep the lines of communication this open am I not obligated to tell my son everything when he asked? How will he feel knowing that he is the only child she chose not to keep and that he has a full sibling that he may never meet? Do I want a child or even a teenager to have to deal with that information? I am considering cutting off communication with the birthmother (with the exception of sending pictures) with the philosophy of if I don't know then I am not keeping anything from him or lying about it. What is best for my son???

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Originally Posted By Nanci Worcester

Even though I am identified as an "expert" on this board, I want you to know that this is more of a personal opinion based on extensive reading and personal experience. I am not a psychologist or a social worker, but I am an adoptive mom in an open adoption. My opinion is to tell the truth and that it is only best for the child to cut him off from his birth family, if contact will be damaging in some way. I don't agree with you that it would damage your son to know that he is the only child they didn't keep. As long as he knows his birth parents' whole story, he will always know that they placed him for adoption out of love for him. Whatever was going on in their lives at the time of the pregnancy and birth that motivated them to place him for adoption was about them not being ready to care for another child AT THAT TIME. If circumstances in their lives has changed for the better, wonderful for them. It doesn't change the fact that they and the siblings and your son have a right to know one another and have a relationship. People have wonderful resilience. Give your son more credit to be able to understand that children are placed for adoption out of an unselfish love and putting the best interests of the child first. Best wishes, Nanci Worcester, Adoption Attorney and Open Adoption Advocate